Hello friends! Things have been progressing really well on my end. WH's turnaround has been nothing short of a miracle. A HUGE test was put in front of us, we went to visit his family. Historically this usually results in disaster and he regresses into his mean, selfish patterns. But this time he was completely present with me at all times, was constantly touching base with me to make sure I was not overwhelmed or cornered by an intrusive relative. (MIL and SIL) We talk a lot now about deep stuff. We also laugh and joke a lot, he faces our conflicts instead of avoiding them and retreating. Sometimes something triggers me about his past affair and he becomes very attentive. He lets me work through stuff verbally. He apologizes a lot. He has come to realize how the affair devastated me and caused significant physical and emotional damage. He assures me he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I, in turn, don't use his mistakes as leverage. As long as he keeps strong boundaries and works on our connection, he is worthy of forgiveness.
I have worked on a lot of my interactions with him and the children. DBing has even resulted in a better interaction with my two older children. I look back over the last three years and am amazed at how far we've come. It took so much time and patience but it has definitely paid off.
I now have started a job that works 7 days on and 7 days off. WH and I are working the same weeks so we have a lot of quality time. We have started fishing together and going on drives. Part of my GAL will be learning to ride a motorcycle soon. My small goals are things like learning stick shift, toning my body at the gym and spending more time one on one with my kids. Last week, 1 day before DS5 birthday, we signed the papers to stop the divorce and cancel it all together. We have successfully busted the divorce. Now we are in piecing and I am so hopeful for our future. I will keep checking in here and trying to give suggestions where I can. But every one needs to try whatever works and throw out the rest. There truly is not an exact way to do anything. Be lovingly detached, not hard or nasty. Make the marriage a hard palce to leave and an easy place to come back to. Like my DBing coach said, "It's like selling a car. You have to let them smell the leather interior, feel the smooth ride, experience the torque. Only when they start to feel like they MUST own this car do you show the price tag." My WH can't imagine life without me now. But for a long time he felt he needed to leave the marriage to be truly happy. I tried forcing my ideas and philosophy on him. Once I let go and when it became too much for me, I filed for divorce. But I left the door open and when he finally showed true remorse I made sure the path back was paved.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1801:15 PM.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara, I used to post under my prior screen name to you. Had to change for the usual reasons.
Just wondering if you could give all the newbies here a very brief run-down on your sitch. I think yours is such an excellent example of why Michelle's theories work and provide the only chance most people have at turning things around.
I'm pretty sure that you would agree that only when you completely and utterly detached and he knew it with 100% certainty did he realize what he stood to lose with you and the kids.
Your perseverance, how you held so much together, and the trials you endured are such great lessons to others.
Congratulations on all you and he have accomplished.
WH and I married after knowing each other 3 years, Within a year we experienced a miscarriage and then successfully got pregnant and had our daughter. He just started residency and I was finishing up medical school. I started my residency while pregnant with our second child and we had to commute. By my fourth year of residency (2015-2016) we were having problems. He lived in another state every other week for work and he suddenly became distant and mean. He was fixated on his cell phone and snapping at me for every little thing. In Oct 2015 I found out WH was having a EA/PA with a co-worker when he was away at work. I was 6 months pregnant with our third child, a child he had begged to have as I get very ill during pregnancy. My world turned black.
For the rest of my pregnancy WH went back and forth, breaking NC with the OW and by April 2016 he was cheating again. I did not know until June 2016 and the relationship had already died a natural death. I moved to my home state upon completing my residency and WH continued to work every other week in his work state and our marriage started to an uneasy reconciliation. I attended some IC and eventually tried MC which failed. One minute WH wanted to work on our marriage and the next minute he wanted to D, move away and in rare moments, he talked about abandoning our children. To say he was unrecognizable to me would be an understatement. I was using a DBing coach and trying to apply the DBing techniques (unevenly at best.) WH finally moved in with the family permanently in late 2016 and we had a lot of pursuit vs fleeing throughout. In 2017 I convinced WH to try Retrouville and it was a disaster. We even tried to leave early but the facilitators talked us into staying and completing the weekend. I even went to 3 aftercare appointments (sans WH) but it just wasn't a tool that I found effective.
WH continued to have poor boundaries, mostly with female co-workers and at one point I found he started using snapchat. Of course this app deletes messages automatically and this was no bueno. The fights we had were epic. Finally I gave up and filed for divorce in early 2018. WH continued to text/message females at work and I basically stopped snooping and started picturing myself single. I took my children for the state required classes for an approaching divorce, started looking around for child counselors and making my financial plans for the future. I was friendly and cordial with WH as my goal of good co-parenting was always my focus. WH started looking for nearby houses so the kids would not have to deal with too much upheaval. He even asked me to join him to look at some. While walking through one of the houses WH had a breakdown and literally became ill. We started talking about how we were going to manage all of this. He asked me for one last chance. I told him I was not giving him "another chance" but if he could win me back I might reconsider divorce. I put the divorce on hold (we can do that for 6 months) and sat back and watched. WH stumbled a lot initially and it even got to the point where we went to a second case management hearing to see how the assets would be divided. One night I walked away from WH when we were fighting (over something utterly stupid) and WH actually started doing a lot of heavy lifting. We are now both going forward with a beginners mindset. We have even started feeling limerance for each other. (something I didn't know possible after being married almost 10 years. WH has done some soul searching, some reading and we now have a lot of deep conversations. We have learned to disagree without fighting. WH has become more attentive and I have become less reactive. It is not perfect but I think for us, it's the closest thing to perfect we will experience. WH has extremely strong boundaries and shows 100% transparency. We laugh a lot more, joke a lot more and spend a lot of quality time together. We are happy most days.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara!!! So good to see you here again and read your update! I am so glad he fully removed his head from his rectum!
I have always appreciated your solid DB efforts, grit, and the honesty and vulnerability in your posts. You are an inspiration to all here. I hope you can find the time to update occasionally and even advise other newbies. It can be hard to keep coming back here while piecing, I know.
I am moving along, albeit slowly, with 2 steps forward and the occasional 1 step back.
Thank you updating and we all wish you guys the best!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi PsySara, I'm so happy to hear your positive update. Sounds like a dream-come-true. I'm so glad you persevered and gave your husband another chance. Sometimes it really does take a long time to resolve problems in a marriage but it sounds like everyone is happy now. More than anything you're giving your kids the gift of a mother and father raising them together in the same house. I hope you're finally able to breath and enjoy life and remember what it's like to feel happiness!
Sara, its so good to hear your update. At least some children are able to keep their families intact. All the credit should go to you, I have read thru all your threads and know how difficult your H made it for you. he was completely out of control. Your persistent efforts made you pull through this. I am so happy for you and to read that both of you feel genuine love for each other and are able to put the mistakes of the past behind you and look forward to the future. Once he got back, did he continue to show remorse? Did you see slow consistent changes and improvements over a period of time before he actually showed his reformed self to you?
Hi friends! Just thought I'd give an update which is just to say, things are humming along. We are kind of becoming complacent and I see WH sliding back into some of his old ways. He is working too much and it's putting a strain on our interactions. My love language is Quality Time and when he works all but 4 days a month it definitely puts a damper on us. I sat down with him and had a frank discussion that while I was happy to fill my time with other activities, it wasn't helping our connection if he was absent more than present. He decided to clean up his calendar for January and to make time for us. We still argue but I have followed through on my DB and simply disengage and make sure to address any serious concerns when there isn't an emotional charge. I once read to never argue when HALT (hungry, angry, late, tired) and it's been a life saver.
I am enjoying my new job immensely, I work 7 days on and 7 days off, effectively getting paid more money to work half a year. This means I can GAL as well as make sure I do self care. My kids have definitely enjoyed a calmer and more engaged mother and I find myself enjoying their company more. This year I am focusing on working on my physical health, working aggressively on debt reduction and also to put more towards my spiritual life. As many know I am Muslim and I have kind of back shelved my obligations. I haven't prayed consistently (we pray 5 times a day) and I definitely haven't been consistent with the kid's lessons. The new "semester" begins this January so I'll be signing the kids up for Sunday school again and getting that squared away.
Since this Summer I will be have every other week off I am perusing some ideas for family vacations. I really want to introduce camping to the kids as I have a lot of wonderful childhood memories about that. (not family but I was a country kid who went camping with friends) I also will be putting the kids in day summer camp so their swim lessons can continue. I am excited about this year. WH can continue to heal our marriage and build memories post Bomb drop.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I was happy to check-in here and see your update. That all sounds wonderful. The fact that your husband was willing to change his schedule for January is a very good sign. Those also sound like great family activities and there's every reason to believe 2019 will be one of love and healing for your family!
If you have any time to read other threads, could you please let me know if there's any chance for my husband to be redeemed in the future? I'm grieving and struggling a lot with the failure of my marriage and how this will impact my poor daughter.
