Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
you guys reading that sure doesn't help me. you guys really dont think that you can love again ? I really dont wanna hear that . that suxs

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
IMO....I will find love again but I don’t think it will be in the same way. The love I had for my Xw was innocent, naive love. The i didn’t think you could divorced without talking about it love or working together through our issues. I am much more aware now and I don’t think I would allow myself to get comfortable again. I will add when I am on dates I do not think about my Xw. I will say though that the first time I held hands,got touched or was with someone other than my Xw that was a little weird. I am still getting adjusted to that.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Bubbs - im assuming that you are a newcomer? I want to clarify that i do not mean that i am still pining for my ex. He was a liar and a POS. I am ashamed for him.

I was presenting the question, can you really love someone again when you are no longer vulnerable to be hurt again.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
I feel like the way I love now is different - but not in a bad way. I'm not looking for the intense validation of young love - that "omg he picked ME" stuff. Now I feel if someone doesn't love me just the way I am, I'm not interested.

And the love I have for others is different - it's clear-eyed. I see their flaws but love them flaws included. I can love them for existing in the world even if they didn't choose or weren't capable of being a lifetime love with me.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Originally Posted by bubbs16
you guys reading that sure doesn't help me. you guys really dont think that you can love again ? I really dont wanna hear that . that suxs


Keep in mind when you read these posts that EVERYONE is different. Just because one person doesn't think they can find love or maybe doesn't even want to, doesn't mean that you can't/won't. Everyone heals and moves on at their own pace...the pace that is right for them. If you go back and read some of the posts here in this section, you will see how people have developed and grown and how their sense of the word love has been shaped and changed by their experiences.

There are plenty here who have found love and a few that choose not to, but again, everyone is different.

Juju, I think that is interesting the way you posed the question. Can you really love someone again when you are no longer vulnerable to be hurt again? I had to think about that when I read it because my gut instinct was at what point are you not vulnerable anymore? I think D makes one more cautious in looking for love again for sure. I think it makes us more selective and more open to the possibility of finality in a relationship rather than just tiptoeing through a relationship thinking it will never end because it is "serious". I think the only time I wasn't necessarily vulnerable to being hurt was when I was SO hurt by my XH that I just couldn't imagine ever being with someone else again. I went through a period of about a year post D when I wouldn't have dated if the sexiest man alive had shown up at my door and thrown money at me to get me to go. I would've politely closed the door and moved on. Even then, I was vulnerable, but not necessarily vulnerable to being hurt by someone else because I was still processing the hurt of losing my marriage, if that makes sense.

I agree with kml too....once I went through the D process, the love I feel now is different than what I felt before. I have a more open-eyed approach to dealing with people. I hesitate to say I'm a little more suspicious of people, but I guess that is technically what it is.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 130
Thats a great post dawn. I can see though how dating will be extremely hard for awhile. The thought of it right now would make me sick to my stomach.

Jujub- yes i am new . I am still standing and haven't gotten D yet. So ya I couldn't even begin to think about dating or loving someone else.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 867
Dawn, i think you are not vulnerable if you are a love avoidant or emotionally unavailable. I dont think you can just choose to be love avoidant though.

Right now, im not sure if im that or maybe just not with the right person or hormonal. Or a combo of both. I do have so much love for my son though that it hurts. So im not a sociopath or anything.

Im just kind of noticing, that i get annoyed feeling like i might have to compromise. That there needs to be something in it for me or a practical reason that benefits me or i am not happy and certainly not willing to give. I dont know. Its hard to explain. I dont feel this huge desire to make someone else happy anymore. When I was alone, i did. I would read recipe books and think about having someone to make things for. Or go places with. And now i dont feel that way.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
So just wanted to post a bit about deception and dating and feeling deceived. Don mentioned feeling deceived from pics. That has not been a huge issue for me so hard to relate, other then height descriptions. I think i have little trust in the photos to begin with, and my attraction for a man comes more from communication and interaction then it does visual. The words written mean more to me then anything.

I have been feeling a bit bad about my relationship. Im up and down a bit. The positives are there. I am given every indication he wants a future with me. Toothbrush left in his home was offered early on, and I am given open invitation and a key if I wanted. Im the one holding back.

I feel a bit deceived though. When we first dated, he went all out. Now, not so much. ANd to me, its still early. Dates, presents, texts arent as frequent and really thought out or considerate anymore - yet in the beginning they were incredibly thoughtful. I felt bad because he gave me something for Valentines Day, that I remember him telling me he gave his ex wife. I know how rude and spoiled it sounds like to feel upset about a gift and I would never voice this. I put a lot of thought and time into his gift - I analyze and research and base them off of something he mentioned or a specific like or hobby and I felt bad that he gave me something that sounded exactly like what he gave an ex. There were no plans either, even though he knew I was coming by and I intentionally took less cases that day. For my birthday, he gave me the exact same gift that he did last year. It was nice. And I know it sounds ungrateful to complain about a gift. (GIfts are not even my LL - they are his though). I think my expectations were too high based on how he wined and dined me in the beginning but I am left feeling like this guy threw at me all this great stuff early on and now I feel like we have settled into that we have been dating 10 years pattern, even though its still early and we dont even hang out all that frequently . It went from one extreme to another. And i know it has nothing to do with him wanting to end things. More like he got too comfortable to fast with me and now it just keeps going down. Or was he deceiving me early on?

Or maybe I am superficial and entitled and had unrealistic expectations? I did not date enough either maybe. Or maybe I needed more time to heal and be by myself. At the time though my whole thought process was on returning to date, find someone and get my life back. Have another chance at a family and baby with someone. (i was 37 when ex left and it was right after a miscarriage)

A more positive update...
Everything else seems to be going well. My son has been thriving and I know that my involvement and research and consistent reaching out with the school and OTs/Social workers etc is the reason. He is most likely going to be selected into the gifted program. Living with my parents has actually been a great thing, and now I cant see any advantage to me leaving them to live with a guy. My mom helps out so much with my son. Its like the partnership I never had. I had forgotten about a valanetines day box for him to take to school - and she had it taken care of. I have also been saving money. And i am researching how to start my own side business into a niche area. It will be perfect if it takes off as I could keep my job with benefits and maybe earn more money then I am now with the same time. I do not have a business background though, so this has been hard to get going on. But I finally made the first move by reaching out to a non-profit state based small business advice agency. Im pretty excited about it. Its a really unique idea in an area I am pretty interested and experienced in. I think it has a lot of potential and Im surprised no one else is doing it.

Thing is I wanted more to be a family person, have another baby. But my path seems to not be allowing me this. Career stuff keeps opening up to me which Im not complaining about. Just commenting on.

Some one told me my problem is "I want, want want" and I never appreciate what I have. THat having another child is selfish and I need to put all my resources into my son. I get that. I really do. I just have so much love for my son. It is beyond anything I have ever felt or experienced. And I want more of it. But through a child. I don't know why just having him is not enough.

Sorry for the length of this one.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Whether your dating or married you should never stop courting your female companion. Sounds like he is getting lazy and falling into the pattern that many men do. Is your attraction for him declining? I imagine it is.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
JujuB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Yup. Its declining and I feel a lot of ups and downs.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard