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Originally Posted by JujuB
I am definitely on the nutcase spectrum. I lied about my age and twins, but have always been honest about my mental status.


Best quote I have ever heard in my life is “This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day. Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

We are here to help, Juju. Be true to yourself and the rest will fall into place...


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
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Originally Posted by JujuB
Just journaling. I know im way behind on being over my ex. Im surviving divorce. Just not thriving. You guys are just way ahead of me. Im not indifferent.

I think my anger stems from
1. He did a lot of stuff that someone should be angry at
2. It prevents me from feeling that deep pain of rejection, discardment, not being loved. Like logically, whi cares about not being loved by someone that did and does such horrible things.

Hes taking son away with his girlfriend and her young child. Upsetting, cause i was the one that always wanted to take trips. He would never have money to go, and i would end up paying to get him to go. When we went, it wasnt even fun cause i would have to wait hours for him to get ready, we would get to places late which is a waste of money. He would disappear all the time. I did all the packing and preparing. (For thisbtrip i will once again be doing the packing, as he does nit really have clothes for son)

My narrative was that ex was headed down for a trip to rock bottom. That drugs and alcohol were his demon and mistress. He had taken so much out of his IRA, had tons of cc debt,. But He has a girlfriend (probably younger cause she has a young child) and is going away places. How can that be?

This hurts me tremendously. He does not hurt. He did not have feelings for me enough to hurt, yet i obviously had them for him. Thats painful. And im having troublenunderatanding how i could have feelings, when he was so bad. He lied and squandered our finances. Will he do that with girlfriend as well?


As I took a few minutes this morning to go back nd re-read some posts on the board, as I do from time to time, this one struck me. I remember reading it when you first posted it and I meant to comment then and I obviously got side-tracked and didn't. But, you say you are "way behind" on getting over your ex. I don't think you are, though. EVERYONE gets over things at their own rate and when the time is right, you just won't feel things anymore. I totally identify with your situation in a lot of ways because my XH just walked away and never looked back and moved to D and then on to his new wife REAL quickly. In the span of less than 5 months, I went from married to separated to divorced to facing an XH with a new, serious, live-in girlfriend. I felt a lot of the same anger and feelings that you feel. While I survived and I'm thriving now, there was a period in time when all I truly wanted in this world was for his sorry @ss to burn in h3ll. I still hope the karma bus runs him smack over in the middle of the street then backs up and runs over him again for good measure, but I just don't dwell on it anymore. I have found my own things to worry with and someone who couldn't even be bothered to have an actual discussion with me about the ending of our marriage is NOT one of those things that I am going to waste my valuable time on.

You should totally feel all those feelings you feel and I thik, in time, you will find that those feelings lessen until you get to this point of indifference, for lack of a better word. If it weren't for my children and the thought that I would hate for them to deal with losing their father, I honestly wouldn't give a d@mn if he was even still on the planet.

Hang in there, juju, and keep on keeping on.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Originally Posted by EyeTie
Originally Posted by JujuB
I am definitely on the nutcase spectrum. I lied about my age and twins, but have always been honest about my mental status.


Best quote I have ever heard in my life is “This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day. Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

We are here to help, Juju. Be true to yourself and the rest will fall into place...


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That was more of a joke with Ginger who i have met. Every once in a while i discuss my self description. I figured if someone i knew saw that i frequent the forums and wanted to find me, it makes it harder this way. They would have to read through a lot more and might dismiss me based on my description.

I am a pretty honest and self aware person. I often find humor in mine and others faults...(although not waywards. They just hurt too much)


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Thank you dawn. Im not at that beautiful state of indifference yet. But some days are better then others for me.

I think i am scared at how easily i was discarded by someone. I mean, we were dating when we were both still in school. We shared history and hardships and that just meant nothing to him. I like to think that maybe it was the drugs and alcohol that allowed his brain to be capabale of leaving the way he did. He wouldnt pay me child support. He had been secretly depleting his account and building up cc debt for years. I had no idea.

The gaslighting damaged me a lot as well. I was never the type to be afraid to speak my mind in a relationship. I always stood up for what i though was right. I am not a personality that was going to do all the housework, work, and take care of son quietly, while ex slept till noon on weekdays and 3 on weekends. Ex's spending habits were concerning to me as well. I voiced and comunicated and expressed and complained and nothing changed things. And then after he left, i started thinking that was my issue. That i was abusive. That I deserved to be left.

Coming on these forums 3 years ago, did not empower me.

. Its not because of the posters. I remember Vanilla speaking out and telling me that my ex needed to hear my truth dart. Texashubby told me i was way to smart and deserved more then my husband. Mauricio told me my husband was not a man.

But there was (back in 2015 and still i think in the MLC section) this weird underlying sense of stepford wife syndrome that gave me doubt. I grabbed on to the, "i had caused 50 percent of the problems in our marriage and i needed to make 180s " that i didnt know how to just accept him. That "i didnt eat sh!t sandwiches" or "choosing being right over being happy" that i needed to do 180s and not complain about his not being involved, about his bad behavior. I argued it and debated it. I even once posted "im not an innanimate object. Why the hell do i want to choose to be a light house" but that sentiment still seeped in my brain for some reason.

But none of that is true. When your ex was lying by ommission and leading a double life for probably most of your marriage..there is no 50/50 division of responsibility. I was never given the chance to be in a real relationship. To know myself. Of course im not perfect, but there was nothing about me that warranted ex leaving.

But i am traumatized not just by my ex but by what i turned in to in order to reconcile. If that makes any sense.

This mentality kind of messed me up with dating too. I had to proove i was this nice, cool chick. Cause the real me was left cause I was out of line or too demanding of time and attention.

But i am not that person. I was never raised that way. So now i am left, figuring out who i really am. I dont really want to compromise myself to be in a relationship. I think i am starting to feel like, if theres nothing in it for me and i dont have kids with someone why should i ever compromise myself? I am tired of being nice and worried about other peoples feelings. Of feeling like i should have been better in my last relationship, and trying to be like that now.


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JuJuB - That's a great post and excellent questions and they certainly make a lot of sense to me. I don't have the excellent answers to them - largely because I don't know you. The you that you really are.

It does sound like you are trying to find that person though.

I remember getting in to arguments here that I was me and that I liked me and that if my then wife didn't - well that was her problem and not mine. And that I certainly wasn't going to try to prove that I was better than OM.

The forums have certainly changed over the last few years and there is much less "blame the victim" happening I believe. I don't know for sure because I don't wander over to the Newcomers section very often. I do wonder if being here held me back as well. That if I'd tossed her @ss into the snow bank back in March of 2016 that perhaps I'd be much farther along than I am now. But it is what it is. Our respective journeys have made us who we are currently. We can look to grow beyond where we are but we can't change the past.

So I greatly agree. Do not compromise yourself. Yes - there is give and take required in any relationship but it should never be at the cost of self. But first we need to find and love that self.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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I totally get what you are saying and I think in some ways our journeys are somewhat parallel in what happened and how it made us feel. My XH didn't have the addiction issues, but you could substitute his ongoing medical issues that ultimately allowed him to go on disability then use them as a crutch to kind of disconnect from life. It's a long story and maybe I am the only one who sees it, but I do see some commonalities between mine and yours.

While I love the DB forum for the fact that I feel like I learn a lot from reading and occasionally posting, I didn't necessarily feel empowered or even all that helped when I first came here either because it was all about GAL, 180 and reconciliation. I had to let the reconciliation part go, temper the 180 (because I didn't feel like I had necessarily changed a lot and it wasn't so much MY journey that led to my D as it was my XH's journey that led us there), but man I totally focused on GAL. My marriage couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't have been saved and while I know that now, I had doubts of that in the beginning and I think that is why I ended up here to start with. Having said that, though, I do now see that I have gained some actual value from my participation here. I have lived in small towns prior to, during and after my divorce so actual support groups and real people to interact with and lean on are few and far between unless I want to drive 2 hours one way. I do not. So, I sought an online place that would allow me to express my issues and learn and I found that here.

I don't think you should compromise yourself, but absolutely you should continue to explore who you are and where you want to go in your journey. You are driving the ship, so to speak, so it is all about you now. And, that is a good thing!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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On Andrew's thread you posted:
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Also, just a general question for everyone dating following trauma.... how do you not go for the seemingly stable person over looks and other qualities. How come you guys dont have the same fears that i do? Arent you guys worried about dating another version of your ex? Or is that not a huge fear?


It's definitely something to be on the watch for.

The first guy I dated after my divorce was a Love Avoidant, which meant he wasn't truly available, but he was nicely different from my ex in most ways.

The crazy ex-bf that I dated for four years turned out to be living a double life.

I wasn't looking to remarry and frankly, nothing since my divorce could hurt as much as that did.

The only relationship that reminded me at all of my ex turns out to be my current one with CMM. He's turning out to be a lot like my ex in some ways and it's causing some friction. Some of it is just me because if he acts the least little bit like my ex I'm just like "I'm over it!". I know my extreme reaction is due to a bit of ptsd from my ex.

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I meant to say, nothing since my divorce hurt as much as my divorce did. Crazy exBF was too weird to hurt.

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KML.- i dont think anyone will hurt me like my ex did either. But do you think its because we just cant love like that again?

I think thats why i wanted another child so badly. Children i can fall in love with. To the point my heart physically feels it.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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