Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage

[SoTorn]

Hi ST,

As a follow up to Amoawful's post, I would suggest you stop telling them how to act with regards to your wife, let them go through the pain and anger they will have. They need to ride this out as much as you do. Each one in his own way.

I also imagine that at some point your wife may find anger from her kids addressed at her and will try to involve you. I recommend you let her fight her own battles and do not get involved either to defend your kids' reactions or try to get them to "like" her. You have enough on your plate already.

In my own parents divorce the problems were never directed at me nor was I the cause but I still felt the pain of watching two people who loved each other now destroy each other. Watch how the bubble that I lived in of happiness and security was torn away. None of them were mad at me but i still faced the same results and consequences as well as watch helplessly as life as I knew it disappeared.

So no, she is not doing this to hurt them nor hurt you but she is hurting both.

Peace

Max

I know the WW already feels the kids emotions. I just don't want her mistreating them. WW cannot handle any sort of confrontation from anyone at this moment. WW can't handle being questioned. D16 had asked her why WW was always gone and WW reacted just like she does when I ask that question "Why are you trying to guilt me, you just give me a hard time about working hard for you, all you care about is yourself!" I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. I want them to spend quality time with their mom. I want them to have a good relationship with their mom. I don't want WW's negative reactive behavior directed at them. I can't handle my kids being mistreated at all. That will make me come right out of DBing and confront WW if I see it. Therefore, since I cannot control WW's actions, I have simply asked the kids to not be confrontational with her, because it will just blow up into an argument. Of course I can't control them, but they see that what I requested is rational.

I am going to take my kids to Main Event later. Its like Dave and Busters. So we have something to do tonight, it will be cool.

[Maximus]

HI ST;

When my parents broke up I went from not understanding about domestic finances to feeling the loss of being the "poorest" kid in the bunch when we went out. My mother worked 2 jobs, sometimes 3 and dragged me to 2 schools as well as leave me with family when she worked in the evening or have me for 2 hours in the waiting room while she finished work. It was then a night bus home in the cold and rain and then supper and bed.

The next day more and so on for a longtime. When I was able to I worked part time and contributed a portion to the home. There was a lot more sh1t to deal with when you have to stretch the income to make ends meet but that is my secret.

I understand that her leaving will affect your income and will change your lives but your lives will never be the same again anyway. In all of this the only images and flashbacks I have of their break up was the loneliness of not having a father, the fights and discussions I had to endure. The tense moments as well as being dragged into some of the battles.

My mind does not remember the financial hardship when it was my mum and me first but the emotional pain when they were together.

I have a friend who also packed all her stuff into a car and left leaving everything behind, just her and her 2 children for a new start. 2 years on and they are miles happier. Financially poorer but emotionally richer.

Sometimes the worst brings out the best in us. Children are stronger than you give them credit for, don't overprotect them. The bigger the bubble the bigger the bang.


Peace

Max

[Maximus]

HI ST,

I undrstand you dont want a confrontation between W and kids but unless they work their own sh1t out with all the consequences how will they have "quality time" if the built up emotions are still there and they have not cleared the air?.

Do you want them to have the same "cordial" relationship as per IHS or a healthy one? A healthy one can only be achieved if it goes through all the phases.

Peace

Max

[SoTorn]

HI ST,

I undrstand you dont want a confrontation between W and kids but unless they work their own sh1t out with all the consequences how will they have "quality time" if the built up emotions are still there and they have not cleared the air?.

Do you want them to have the same "cordial" relationship as per IHS or a healthy one? A healthy one can only be achieved if it goes through all the phases.

Peace

Max

Honestly, I just don't trust the wife right now. WW has absolutely detached from the children over the course of the last year. She spends time with them but its just very robotic. She will take them to the mall or out to dinner and she just has nothing to say to the kids.

The kids know that they can tell her whatever they want, they can ask her whatever they want. Unfortunately, both WW and I had a major issue with communication and arguing to win. I don't want my kids trying to argue to win because it is very unhealthy for them. WW is too far gone mentally to have any sort of reasonable conversation with the kids about whats going on, so even if they did try and just discuss it with her, she would mistreat them. They understand that. I just asked that they keep talking to me so that I know they are ok.

I know I will be fine without her income. She is trying to "punish" me by removing her income. That will not work because I will make it work and I also have a ton of family who would be more than happy to help me. One good thing about our MR is that we were always financially responsible. I have minimal revolving debt. I have my house, my car and a small balance on a credit card. So there is no danger of bankruptcy or ruining credit etc. Thats just not something that would happen. WW is to proud to let her credit get ruined. We have never paid a single bill late in the last 21 years.

[SoTorn]

So the WW just messaged my son and told him she had to fly out of town for work and will be back tomorrow. Aka she is with OM. God I want to message her a profanity laced message about what shes doing. But I wont. Blatant disrespect. Lying to her kids.

[Davide]

That really s@cks. Just remember that you can't control her. You can only control your reactions and your own emotions. Show your kids a positive role model through your actions.

[SoTorn]

I'm at Main Event with my kids enjoying my time with them. F@#k WW.

[SoTorn]

So D16 and D19 are actually really pissed off that WW decided to lie to them about going out of town. Unfortunately, they have pieced together what shes doing. They asked her where she was and she lied. Then blamed me for having them ask when I did not. She full tilt thinks I'm puppeteering the older kids. I haven't told them anything. They just aren't stupid. They are fully aware she is lying now. They were texting her all night and she was lying to them. D16 finally told me she was texting WW before I went to bed. Kids are NOT happy with WW. I will no longer ask them to bite their tongue. They are old enough to figure it out, so they can say what they want to say to her.

WW will blame me for her lying to the kids and for them not being stupid and figuring it out. I didn't confirm anything. I can't do that. My poor kids.

[Phoenix9]

You have strong, clever kids, ST. They will help you get through this just like you will help them get through this. You keep being the best you can be. For yourself and for your kids.

[neffer]

Hey SoTorn, Job posted this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289


The basics to detach. They will help you going there. Have you read it?

Free yourself ST