She got up way early this morning and left. Told D16 she had to go to work early. I know she drove to the airport. So shes going out of town for work again and to meet OM.
I need to know, should I tell OMs wife? I believe they may be separated.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn... I would not contact the man’s wife... for a couple of reasons. 1. That is not DBing or GAL. That is being preoccupied with what she is doing and not working on you. Telling the wife would only push her towards OM not get in her way. It would escalate the situation so that they would be forced to make a choice and most likely it would be the wrong one. If you ever hope to R, let it be. It will die its own death. 2. Do you really need to cause the wife anymore pain? If they are separated, she is well aware the marriage is in trouble. Leave it be. I know if I was the wife, I would not necessarily want to know as I would be just trying to get myself together. Talking to you would just make it that much harder. She may also already know.
Years ago...in my first life, I was married to another man. About seven years into our relationship and two years into our marriage, I discovered, quite by accident, that my H was having an EA (and heading towards a PA) with a mutual friend. She was actually the longtime girlfriend of one of his best friends. Anyway, I was away at the time but made it known that I knew so when he picked me up at the airport a couple days later, it was a very somber ride home to say the least. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to deal with it. I decided that it was more of a symptom that something was wrong in our marriage than it was that either of them were bad people. So I addressed that. I acknowledged his unhappiness, we decided to work on the things that were missing and he ended whatever was going on. I also had a choice about whether or not to tell his friend, her bf. I chose not to. I didn’t tell him because I had chosen to see the A as a symptom and I had decided to forgive both of them (even though she and I were never really friends again). I had no interest in blowing up their relationship (they had kids) or causing any pain to her bd who I liked very much and who my H saw often. There were also many other friends in that circle who could have been drawn in and it had the potential to be very awkward and messy. I did not want to do that to any of them and create even more problems. So I took the high road and worked on my MR. A few months later, I was at a wedding with mutual friends and found myself sitting with her and her bf while my H was with the wedding party getting pictures taken. At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me. When we got into the bathroom, she broke down. Apologized for what she had done...tried to explain it. I told her to stop, that I understood why it happened, that I was glad it happened because my MR was much better and I thanked her. She could not have looked more dumbfounded. I also told her that I forgave her. And I walked out of that bathroom with my head held high a much stronger, more at peace person. Now ultimately my H and I did divorce. It was a mutual decision. We wanted different things and were going in different directions. We separated for two years and then divorced when I decided to move. We amicably divided our possessions (there wasn’t much), traveled to the courthouse together, signed the papers and went out for lunch. The day before my move, we had one last lunch together and we parted with love. I cried as I drove out of town towards my new home as I was leaving my old life and heading towards a new one. He is still my friend and he and my H have actually emailed each other a few times and have a friendship of sorts. This past summer, me and my kids had dinner with him and his parents when we were vacationing. I am very proud of how we parted and of the relationship we have been able to maintain. I will endeavour to do the same with my H when/if we end up disolving our marriage - regardless of how painful it will be.
Anyway...my point is that life is long. You are hurt now. Please don’t make your decisions based on that hurt. Make your decisions from a place of peace and love and if you can’t do that now, put the decisions off until you can. You will not be sorry you did. (((HUGS)))
SoTorn... I would not contact the man’s wife... for a couple of reasons. 1. That is not DBing or GAL. That is being preoccupied with what she is doing and not working on you. Telling the wife would only push her towards OM not get in her way. It would escalate the situation so that they would be forced to make a choice and most likely it would be the wrong one. If you ever hope to R, let it be. It will die its own death. 2. Do you really need to cause the wife anymore pain? If they are separated, she is well aware the marriage is in trouble. Leave it be. I know if I was the wife, I would not necessarily want to know as I would be just trying to get myself together. Talking to you would just make it that much harder. She may also already know.
Years ago...in my first life, I was married to another man. About seven years into our relationship and two years into our marriage, I discovered, quite by accident, that my H was having an EA (and heading towards a PA) with a mutual friend. She was actually the longtime girlfriend of one of his best friends. Anyway, I was away at the time but made it known that I knew so when he picked me up at the airport a couple days later, it was a very somber ride home to say the least. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to deal with it. I decided that it was more of a symptom that something was wrong in our marriage than it was that either of them were bad people. So I addressed that. I acknowledged his unhappiness, we decided to work on the things that were missing and he ended whatever was going on. I also had a choice about whether or not to tell his friend, her bf. I chose not to. I didn’t tell him because I had chosen to see the A as a symptom and I had decided to forgive both of them (even though she and I were never really friends again). I had no interest in blowing up their relationship (they had kids) or causing any pain to her bd who I liked very much and who my H saw often. There were also many other friends in that circle who could have been drawn in and it had the potential to be very awkward and messy. I did not want to do that to any of them and create even more problems. So I took the high road and worked on my MR. A few months later, I was at a wedding with mutual friends and found myself sitting with her and her bf while my H was with the wedding party getting pictures taken. At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me. When we got into the bathroom, she broke down. Apologized for what she had done...tried to explain it. I told her to stop, that I understood why it happened, that I was glad it happened because my MR was much better and I thanked her. She could not have looked more dumbfounded. I also told her that I forgave her. And I walked out of that bathroom with my head held high a much stronger, more at peace person. Now ultimately my H and I did divorce. It was a mutual decision. We wanted different things and were going in different directions. We separated for two years and then divorced when I decided to move. We amicably divided our possessions (there wasn’t much), traveled to the courthouse together, signed the papers and went out for lunch. The day before my move, we had one last lunch together and we parted with love. I cried as I drove out of town towards my new home as I was leaving my old life and heading towards a new one. He is still my friend and he and my H have actually emailed each other a few times and have a friendship of sorts. This past summer, me and my kids had dinner with him and his parents when we were vacationing. I am very proud of how we parted and of the relationship we have been able to maintain. I will endeavour to do the same with my H when/if we end up disolving our marriage - regardless of how painful it will be.
Anyway...my point is that life is long. You are hurt now. Please don’t make your decisions based on that hurt. Make your decisions from a place of peace and love and if you can’t do that now, put the decisions off until you can. You will not be sorry you did. (((HUGS)))
Thats what I figured. I have not told OM's W. I honestly am not thinking of telling her based on revenge. I just feel sorry for her. I feel bad that she is at home with two children by herself. Honestly the way my WW reacted when I had mentioned that she should know and that I knew her name and phone number, tells me that the OM is still holding onto his marriage and kids. I am sure he cares for them and doesnt want to hurt them. He is doing the same thing my wife is now, but from a mans perspective. My IC wanted me to tell everyone and go nuclear. When I explained what I was doing he told me that I was probably the strongest man he has dealt with and that what I am doing is unbelievable because mostly everyone either goes into full outright "save marriage pursuit mode" or they go into "Nuclear meltdown burn everything to the ground mode".
I am doing my best. Everyone going through this with kids knows how hard it is. My children are very stressed out because mom is acting so weird. I spoke with my kids this morning after she left. Unfortunately S11 and D16 know what she is doing because she pretty much told them. They are mad at her. I told them not to be mad because she isnt doing this to hurt them. I told them to just focus on school. I asked them to tell me that if they were getting to upset with the situation. My kids come first. I asked them how they felt right now. Right now they are mad at what she did, but they are ok with the living situation and still comfortable. I told them to not think or talk about anything that WW is doing and to just spend time with mom if she wants to do that, because their relationship with her is important as well. I told them that they need to keep in contact with me about how they feel. I need to know if they are too stressed out by the situation. As of now, they are mad, but they are not feeling like I do. I confirmed that my S11 and D16 are ok with her living upstairs and me downstairs. They understand that I will not fight with her and that I will not cause any issues to stress them out.
I told them to tell me if they just can't take it anymore. If they get too stressed out and it starts having a huge impact I will have to go ahead and do what I need to do to protect them. They are first, I am second. My MR is not even on the table right now.
Yesterday when the WW and I were talking she was stunned when I told her that I just want her to leave me alone and that we need to just make sure that we are co-parenting together and not separate. She asked "You are ok with co-parenting now and living like this?!?" I told her that my children were more important than anything right now and that although I do not agree to live in an open marriage, or agree that everything is just "ok", our situation is what it is right now and that if the kids are ok, then I will continue to focus on them.
Before we went to bed she asked "Why are you clinging to this so hard?" meaning our MR. (I was in full pursuit mode about a month ago) She stood there until I responded so I just said again that my kids and myself are my priority and that I have let her go. I told her that I feel that she is an adult and that I understand that she was unhappy and that I don't control her. I reaffirmed that I will not argue with her and again asked that she leave me alone.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
A few words of advice from personal experience as well as suggestions made here as well.
- Do not tell relatives, friends or spouse of AP about your problems. I fell into that trap and it does nothing but divert energies from your main goal which is the relationship. Do not even focus on OM. He is a distraction.
- To temp check the effect your situation has on the kids is complicated. Emotional outbursts or public displays of pain or sadness are like the tip of the iceberg. Kids are great at hiding emotions especially if they feel it affects the fragile relationship you have with your wife right now. I do not see them telling you they cannot take it anymore and that you both should separate. I am more inclined that that they will break inside before they reach that situation. Especially if you maintain a cordial and cold atmosphere where you just get along.
- The fact you have chosen an IHS means your chances of making it through this have dropped. The time span that something favourable will happen has increased. IMHO the biggest problem with IHS is that given the right ingredients your relationship reaches a stalemate. Her A may fizzle out she may adjust her actions towards you and your relationship may be more sustainable. She however (unless you did a great job on yourself) is still on the prowl. I found that these types of relationships turn into convenience relationships and peak out as friendly.
- One final point and it really is addressed more to you, stop "knowing". I personally see this in relationships, even "healthy" ones. I did it at the beginning of my situation and and have it done to me. Unless there is 100% proof of something we do not "know" where the spouse will be, will do or thinks. If you have ever done your share of snooping you will have had hits and misses. I sometimes "knew" she was going to meet OM when she said she was going to "B" and after checking up I was wrong. So stop "knowing" and even if you are right, so what. It is common knowledge she is having an affair and to have an affair, at least a physical one they must spend physical time together so don't fret everytime she walks out the door where she will go. Own it and work on yourself and your kids.
- About kids, much like when flying and they go over the pressure loss drill. You put your mask on yourself first and then you kids. Here is the same. To be there for your kids you need to take care of yourself first. So really learn the rules, principles and techniques and follow the advice.
I wish you well and hope you overcome your situation.
I am doing my best. Everyone going through this with kids knows how hard it is. My children are very stressed out because mom is acting so weird. I spoke with my kids this morning after she left. Unfortunately S11 and D16 know what she is doing because she pretty much told them. They are mad at her. I told them not to be mad because she isnt doing this to hurt them. I told them to just focus on school. I asked them to tell me that if they were getting to upset with the situation. My kids come first. I asked them how they felt right now. Right now they are mad at what she did, but they are ok with the living situation and still comfortable. I told them to not think or talk about anything that WW is doing and to just spend time with mom if she wants to do that, because their relationship with her is important as well. I told them that they need to keep in contact with me about how they feel. I need to know if they are too stressed out by the situation. As of now, they are mad, but they are not feeling like I do. I confirmed that my S11 and D16 are ok with her living upstairs and me downstairs. They understand that I will not fight with her and that I will not cause any issues to stress them out.
I told them to tell me if they just can't take it anymore. If they get too stressed out and it starts having a huge impact I will have to go ahead and do what I need to do to protect them. They are first, I am second. My MR is not even on the table right now.
Please be careful with how much you share with your kids. It sounds a lot like you are trying to "recruit" them. To paint your W as the bad guy and that the three of you are in this together. Im also confused by what you mean when they say they "cant take it." Why arent you doing what you need to do right now? You know what I mean? Like is picking up and moving out LESS stressful for them? I have my doubts.
Id also caution you to practice validation with kids as well. Let them talk and feel. The spot I bolded looks very invalidating. How can you help them understand and process their anger. Telling them not to be angry doesnt seem like a way that they will continue to open up to you.
I am definitely not trying to recruit them. I just want to prepare them in case something crazy happens. I don't want them to feel blind sided. When my parents fought over me, it really sucked for years and years and years because it was out of the blue. I am not fighting over them in court. In New Mexico, the older kid gets to decide where they want to live. If it heads in that direction my older daughter can choose whatever she wants. If she wants 50/50 custody so be it. If she wants to live with her mom, so be it. If she wants to live with me, so be it. I just don't want them stressed out. D16 is already in counseling because she has been feeling abandoned due to the WW directing all of her attention toward her work initially.
WW actually told D16 that I had her followed because I am "paranoid she is having an affair". D16 asked for the truth and WW lied to her. D16 asked me and I told her that I would not talk about my marriage with them beyond what they can see. But D16 and D19 are not stupid. They know exactly what is going on, they just havent received confirmation from WW or I because its not their burden.
I didnt mean that they couldnt be mad. I just don't want them fighting with her. They can feel how they want. I just don't want them to go confront her or cause conflict because she reacts toward them just like she would me asking questions. The kids are entitled to feel however they want. I just asked that they don't try and pursue her or plead with her about anything. I do allow them to talk. I asked them to keep me updated on how they feel and if they have any questions or concerns they can bring them to me and I will talk about what I feel is appropriate. Unfortunately, they noticed all of the changes that I noticed as well, because WW is acting completely different than she ever has. WW is a completely different person, one that nobody recognizes.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
As a follow up to Amoawful's post, I would suggest you stop telling them how to act with regards to your wife, let them go through the pain and anger they will have. They need to ride this out as much as you do. Each one in his own way.
I also imagine that at some point your wife may find anger from her kids addressed at her and will try to involve you. I recommend you let her fight her own battles and do not get involved either to defend your kids' reactions or try to get them to "like" her. You have enough on your plate already.
In my own parents divorce the problems were never directed at me nor was I the cause but I still felt the pain of watching two people who loved each other now destroy each other. Watch how the bubble that I lived in of happiness and security was torn away. None of them were mad at me but i still faced the same results and consequences as well as watch helplessly as life as I knew it disappeared.
So no, she is not doing this to hurt them nor hurt you but she is hurting both.
A few words of advice from personal experience as well as suggestions made here as well.
- Do not tell relatives, friends or spouse of AP about your problems. I fell into that trap and it does nothing but divert energies from your main goal which is the relationship. Do not even focus on OM. He is a distraction.
- To temp check the effect your situation has on the kids is complicated. Emotional outbursts or public displays of pain or sadness are like the tip of the iceberg. Kids are great at hiding emotions especially if they feel it affects the fragile relationship you have with your wife right now. I do not see them telling you they cannot take it anymore and that you both should separate. I am more inclined that that they will break inside before they reach that situation. Especially if you maintain a cordial and cold atmosphere where you just get along.
- The fact you have chosen an IHS means your chances of making it through this have dropped. The time span that something favourable will happen has increased. IMHO the biggest problem with IHS is that given the right ingredients your relationship reaches a stalemate. Her A may fizzle out she may adjust her actions towards you and your relationship may be more sustainable. She however (unless you did a great job on yourself) is still on the prowl. I found that these types of relationships turn into convenience relationships and peak out as friendly.
- One final point and it really is addressed more to you, stop "knowing". I personally see this in relationships, even "healthy" ones. I did it at the beginning of my situation and and have it done to me. Unless there is 100% proof of something we do not "know" where the spouse will be, will do or thinks. If you have ever done your share of snooping you will have had hits and misses. I sometimes "knew" she was going to meet OM when she said she was going to "B" and after checking up I was wrong. So stop "knowing" and even if you are right, so what. It is common knowledge she is having an affair and to have an affair, at least a physical one they must spend physical time together so don't fret everytime she walks out the door where she will go. Own it and work on yourself and your kids.
- About kids, much like when flying and they go over the pressure loss drill. You put your mask on yourself first and then you kids. Here is the same. To be there for your kids you need to take care of yourself first. So really learn the rules, principles and techniques and follow the advice.
I wish you well and hope you overcome your situation.
Peace
Max
I understand. Honestly, the only reason I havent moved out is because it affects me legally with my children. Thats it. I don't want to put myself at a disadvantage with having any sort of custody with my kids. Also, I am absolutely taking care of myself. The hurt and waves of depression are getting further and further away. Me not pursuing my wife and me GAL is shielding me from her hateful actions and behavior, so its making me feel better more and more every day. I actually slept pretty well the last two nights. I havent slept well in a few months now.
I am not worried about what the wife is doing. She works with this man out of town. Every time in the past she has been with him when she has gone out of town. She is out of town again. I know she will see him. I don't care if she does because I accept that I can't do anything about it. The only worry I have is that WW went bonkers and decided to pack up and leave. That puts me at a financial disadvantage because I cannot afford my home and kids by myself. Its just not possible. Our lifestyle is set up so that it takes both of our income to sustain. If she just up and bailed out that puts my credit and finances at risk. I am not ok with that. I guess we will find out shortly here.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
If they can feel how they want then fighting with your W is a possibility. They have a right to know what's going on when things are beyond concealment phase and a right to be treated as part of a family that is breaking up.
In the same way it is your duty to protect them, it is your W's duty to care for their feelings as well when faced with the questioning. Whether she chooses to lie to them or tell them the truth or any other approach is her perrogative not yours.
If she turns on them it si your duty to defend them but not much else. You are not your W's advocate and can't fight her on the one hand and protect her on the other.
