[Living]

I do have a question for anyone that can help. Do I still do his laundry during this? We normally do each other’s laundry. Like if we are doing laundry, we have always just washed the other persons things as well. Do I cease doing that and only focus on my laundry. I’m not trying to be mean but I just want to know how I should handle that.

Does he still do it sometimes too? If so then keep doing what you've been doing like LH said. Also, go out and get yourself some sexy new panties and start wearing them. I would love to see his face when he finds those in the laundry. Make him wonder what you are up to.

Yes he still does it too. So I see no harm in doing it as well.

As far as the sexy panties, that’s a good idea. I have the day off so I’m heading out to buy myself a few things (planned retail therapy.) I’ll make sure I pick up a few pairs of sexy undies.

I also made my list this morning of things I’m going to do to GAL. My plan is to fill my calendar up with fun things I’ve been wanting to do. I’ve even planned some things for my S (who is 15) and me.

I’ve also planned a few fun things for thanksgiving. All of my kids will be under one roof and I don’t want them worrying about what’s going on with the H and I. Things will be awkward enough. So I want to shower my kids with as much love as I can while they are all home. I think having fun activities planned will help with this.

[Ready2Change]

[quote=Living]go out and get yourself some sexy new panties and start wearing them. I would love to see his face when he finds those in the laundry. Make him wonder what you are up to.

I love this!

Typically I assume there is an OW, but I don't think so in your case. Hopefully I am right. That is why I am recommending the following.

Make this fun. Enjoy this.

Men are simple creatures. We are very visual. I assume you know how to look smoking hot. Today is Friday. Be smoking hot tonight, new perfume if you have some, and then go out and do whatever. Have a bag with your workout clothes and go to the gym.

Be vague with your answer if he asks:

H:"W, where are you going?"
W:"Not sure yet."

or :
H:"When will you be home?"
W"I have not decided"

Hold eye contact with him. Smile. then go out. Enjoy what ever you are doing.

As a bonus, He will miss you. He will be thinking of you.

[AnotherStander]

As far as the sexy panties, that’s a good idea. I have the day off so I’m heading out to buy myself a few things (planned retail therapy.) I’ll make sure I pick up a few pairs of sexy undies.

Awesome!! When he asks you about them (and I guarantee he will) then just say you felt like doing something nice for yourself. He is STILL going to wonder though, LOL! "Why did she get those, who is she seeing, what does this mean."

I also made my list this morning of things I’m going to do to GAL. My plan is to fill my calendar up with fun things I’ve been wanting to do. I’ve even planned some things for my S (who is 15) and me.

Perfect!

I’ve also planned a few fun things for thanksgiving. All of my kids will be under one roof and I don’t want them worrying about what’s going on with the H and I. Things will be awkward enough. So I want to shower my kids with as much love as I can while they are all home. I think having fun activities planned will help with this.

That's fantastic too, great plan

EDIT- I agree with what R2C said. You go out looking hot and his mind is going to spin all over the place. It's human nature to want what we can't have, even if that's the spouse we've had forever. If a man rejects his spouse and then sees her being aloof towards him and going out looking like a million bucks, well suddenly he realizes the prize he's looking for was right under his nose all along. I'm not saying you can change his mind in a day or week or month but work on this and somewhere down the road he's going to start kicking himself.

[Living]

[quote=Living]go out and get yourself some sexy new panties and start wearing them. I would love to see his face when he finds those in the laundry. Make him wonder what you are up to.

I love this!

Typically I assume there is an OW, but I don't think so in your case. Hopefully I am right. That is why I am recommending the following.

Make this fun. Enjoy this.

Men are simple creatures. We are very visual. I assume you know how to look smoking hot. Today is Friday. Be smoking hot tonight, new perfume if you have some, and then go out and do whatever. Have a bag with your workout clothes and go to the gym.

Be vague with your answer if he asks:

H:"W, where are you going?"
W:"Not sure yet."

or :
H:"When will you be home?"
W"I have not decided"

Hold eye contact with him. Smile. then go out. Enjoy what ever you are doing.

As a bonus, He will miss you. He will be thinking of you.

I don’t believe there is another woman physically. Of course there is the lady he met in Hawaii. However, I don’t think he his anyone here. He goes to work and he comes straight home. He FaceTimes me from work so I know he is there. He says he’s not communicating with the lady he met in Hawaii. That could be a lie, who knows. However, I’m positive he’s not having a physical affair with anyone right now. As I stated he goes to work and then he comes straight home everyday.

I love all the suggestions you made. I think I can definitely make it fun and enjoy it. I’m going to try everything you suggested.

Thanks you! Off to finish my shopping!

[Living]

I just want to scream this is so hard. I’m having trouble with being patient in all of this. I’m sure over time that I will get better at it.

I’ve listened to all the reasons that my H wants out of this marriage. Some of the reasons really piss me off. It’s like he just doesn’t want to do the work that a marriage requires. He makes a statement that he’s bored with the routine and wants to get out and do the things he’s been wanting to do. Yet he spends his weekend being his same old boring self. Sleep by 7 pm on a freaking weekend. Not once does he go out and do anything that he claims will give him joy.

I’m wondering if all the reasons that he’s given me about why he wants out are a lie. Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be married anymore and wants to live the single life. He says BS like, I’ll always love you, I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Because if I couldn’t make it work with you, why would I try it with someone else. He’s convinced that leaving our home to go live in an apartment will bring him happiness. He’s nuts.

So today, I messed up. I asked him how soon did he think it would be before he moves out. He said he wasn’t sure that it wasn’t a rush. Hugh? So you want to continue to stay in this marriage and be unhappy and miserable? He then said that he wants to wait until we finish the projects that we have to finish in this house. I said I can pay someone to finish them. He then says that it makes no sense to pay someone when he can do them.

He lastly says that when I get to the point where I can take care of the bills in the house myself (I just picked up more income) then we can talk about it.

Guys I think my emotions are getting the best of me. I don’t understand what the hell is going on with this dude. He professes his love for me daily but wants to leave me. Yesterday he said he feels bad for giving up on me. None of this makes freaking sense. Now I know that I’m thinking with logic and he’s not. What the hell kind of magical joy does he expect to find alone in an apartment? When I first suggested that he move out, he was all...so I can just be alone in an apartment. However now he’s good with that option. I’m just so freaking pissed at him that I just want him gone. I want him to go out and find this happiness he’s looking for. I’m just so freaking PISSED. You want to blow up our marriage because you’re bored, confused, unhappy, and tired of the routine. Not to mention that when you’re out on your own, you’re going to develop a freaking routine. He’s just to freaking lost in this cloud of stupidity to realize that. WTF? I married the wrong freaking man.

[Ready2Change]

The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.

The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.


It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?

[FlySolo]

He makes a statement that he’s bored with the routine and wants to get out and do the things he’s been wanting to do. Yet he spends his weekend being his same old boring self. Sleep by 7 pm on a freaking weekend. Not once does he go out and do anything that he claims will give him joy.

Think about it this way ... if there was an OW, then he wouldn't be falling asleep at 7 PM and spending all his time DOING NOTHING. He would be buying himself new clothes, spending hours at the gym and going out ALOT without any explanation.

This screams of depression to me. Which is part and parcel of MLC.

I’m wondering if all the reasons that he’s given me about why he wants out are a lie. Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be married anymore and wants to live the single life. He says BS like, I’ll always love you, I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Because if I couldn’t make it work with you, why would I try it with someone else. He’s convinced that leaving our home to go live in an apartment will bring him happiness. He’s nuts.

My H sprouted all sorts of hurtful garbage during our 3 MC sessions. He felt pressured into the relationship and the marriage. He didn't find me desirable anymore ([censored] that - throughout our marriage he couldn't keep his hands off me). He loved me but didn't think that was enough to fix us blah blah blah. About a month after he MO, we had one of only 3 R talks. I asked him why he said those things. He said because he was trying to validate how he felt. My interpretation of this - he truly did not know what was making him so unhappy. He couldn't say it was work because he has the type of job that people only dream of, he couldn't blame the kids, because that would make him a monster, so he blamed me.

So, in answer to your question, no, it is not a lie. In his head, it is all very real. He is unhappy so he thinks being single will make him happy. He is not looking to start a life with anyone else. I doubt he has thought the far. He just wants to escape his unhappiness.

I asked him how soon did he think it would be before he moves out. He said he wasn’t sure that it wasn’t a rush. Hugh? So you want to continue to stay in this marriage and be unhappy and miserable? He then said that he wants to wait until we finish the projects that we have to finish in this house. I said I can pay someone to finish them. He then says that it makes no sense to pay someone when he can do them.

Do you want him to move out, or are you just looking to move out of the limbo state?

If you don't want him to MO, then stop escalating.

H lived with me for 6 months and it was HELL ON EARTH. During those months I made myself so small I was invisible. I was a shadow of myself. I would not relive those months for all the money on earth. Is it better now that he is gone? Yes - he can be in the same room as me without scowling at me. I can come home without fear of whatever it is that he will have found that day to blame me for. I have had the space to heal. But we are further apart emotionally and we both now that it will be harder for him to come back now.

BTW - The anger has been replaced by a kind of platonic 'niceness'. This is my new normal and it [censored].

I don't know if any of that helped.

Your H is confused. He is depressed and he probably has MLC. You have a long road a head of you but reading your thread, I thing that you have the right tools already to make it to the other side, without or without your H.

[Living]

The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.

The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.


It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?

Thank you so much for the encouragement. If he was a guy in the apartment across the hall and we talked and he said all the confusing things he’s said to me, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all. I would see someone that was not my type or someone I wouldn’t be interested in because he’s a complete mess.

I just can’t believe this is my life at freaking 42. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s so frustrating.

What pisses me off the most is Mr. I’m bored with my routine and want to start doing the things in life I want to do, hasn’t done anything. He had the entire weekend to go do some of the things he’s stated he wants to do, but guess what Mr. I Hate Routines did? He did the same thing he always does...he sat around with his boring self and was sleep by 9 pm on a Saturday evening. For someone who is tired of his routine he hasn’t changed crap. So I guess he’ll magically come alive once he moves out. I swear I want to smack the crap out of him. No worries, I won’t. I’m just venting.

[Living]

The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.

The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.


It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?

Thank you so much for the encouragement. If he was a guy in the apartment across the hall and we talked and he said all the confusing things he’s said to me, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all. I would see someone that was not my type or someone I wouldn’t be interested in because he’s a complete mess.

I just can’t believe this is my life at freaking 42. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s so frustrating.

What pisses me off the most is Mr. I’m bored with my routine and want to start doing the things in life I want to do, hasn’t done anything. He had the entire weekend to go do some of the things he’s stated he wants to do, but guess what Mr. I Hate Routines did? He did the same thing he always does...he sat around with his boring self and was sleep by 9 pm on a Saturday evening. For someone who is tired of his routine he hasn’t changed crap. So I guess he’ll magically come alive once he moves out. I swear I want to smack the crap out of him. No worries, I won’t. I’m just venting.

He makes a statement that he’s bored with the routine and wants to get out and do the things he’s been wanting to do. Yet he spends his weekend being his same old boring self. Sleep by 7 pm on a freaking weekend. Not once does he go out and do anything that he claims will give him joy.

Think about it this way ... if there was an OW, then he wouldn't be falling asleep at 7 PM and spending all his time DOING NOTHING. He would be buying himself new clothes, spending hours at the gym and going out ALOT without any explanation.

This screams of depression to me. Which is part and parcel of MLC.

I’m wondering if all the reasons that he’s given me about why he wants out are a lie. Perhaps he just doesn’t want to be married anymore and wants to live the single life. He says BS like, I’ll always love you, I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. Because if I couldn’t make it work with you, why would I try it with someone else. He’s convinced that leaving our home to go live in an apartment will bring him happiness. He’s nuts.

My H sprouted all sorts of hurtful garbage during our 3 MC sessions. He felt pressured into the relationship and the marriage. He didn't find me desirable anymore ([censored] that - throughout our marriage he couldn't keep his hands off me). He loved me but didn't think that was enough to fix us blah blah blah. About a month after he MO, we had one of only 3 R talks. I asked him why he said those things. He said because he was trying to validate how he felt. My interpretation of this - he truly did not know what was making him so unhappy. He couldn't say it was work because he has the type of job that people only dream of, he couldn't blame the kids, because that would make him a monster, so he blamed me.

So, in answer to your question, no, it is not a lie. In his head, it is all very real. He is unhappy so he thinks being single will make him happy. He is not looking to start a life with anyone else. I doubt he has thought the far. He just wants to escape his unhappiness.

I asked him how soon did he think it would be before he moves out. He said he wasn’t sure that it wasn’t a rush. Hugh? So you want to continue to stay in this marriage and be unhappy and miserable? He then said that he wants to wait until we finish the projects that we have to finish in this house. I said I can pay someone to finish them. He then says that it makes no sense to pay someone when he can do them.

Do you want him to move out, or are you just looking to move out of the limbo state?

If you don't want him to MO, then stop escalating.

H lived with me for 6 months and it was HELL ON EARTH. During those months I made myself so small I was invisible. I was a shadow of myself. I would not relive those months for all the money on earth. Is it better now that he is gone? Yes - he can be in the same room as me without scowling at me. I can come home without fear of whatever it is that he will have found that day to blame me for. I have had the space to heal. But we are further apart emotionally and we both now that it will be harder for him to come back now.

BTW - The anger has been replaced by a kind of platonic 'niceness'. This is my new normal and it [censored].

I don't know if any of that helped.

Your H is confused. He is depressed and he probably has MLC. You have a long road a head of you but reading your thread, I thing that you have the right tools already to make it to the other side, without or without your H.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and sharing some of your story with me.

I’m just so angry today that I’m sure my emotions are just getting the best of me. I’ve been doing fine for the past week but for some reason yesterday and today I’m just pissed. He is a walking contradiction. So you and everyone else on here is right, I’m not going to understand this mental state that he’s in.

I’m sure some of it is depression and the other half MLC. I truly don’t think he has a clear plan for his life and what it will be like when he leaves. You’re right in the sense that he just wants to stop being unhappy and since he’s convinced himself that this marriage is what’s keeping him from happiness, that’s what he wants to run from. He has no clue what it’s going to be like when he’s all alone in that freaking apartment. Hell maybe he’ll enjoy his new found freedom.

As for do I want him to move out. Yes and no. I will tell you this, I’m getting real tired of his B.S. He still expects to have the benefits of a wife without remaining married. He gets mad at me when I treat him like we aren’t married. He says things like stop being mean and I don’t know why you are acting this way. When I’m not being mean, I’m just not doing what he’s used to me doing. So when I think of this freak limbo roller coaster state I’m in, yes I just wish he would go the heck away.

The good news is I’ve picked up more income. So my goal for the next few months is to make as much money as I can. That way I can take over the bills for this house and he can get out and get the hell on with his life. I have got to get him out of here. If not, I’m going to start to resent him more than I already do.

[GFT00]

The only thing you should believe are his behaviors. Not his words.

The best way to communicate with him is through your behavior. Use your words sparingly. Boundaries and validation. Always speak the truth. Make sure you understand body language and that you are communicating the right messages to him.


It is best to think of him as a new man who you have your eye on. Lets imagine you are single and this is a new single guy that just moved into the apartment across the hall. How would you treat him?

Thank you so much for the encouragement. If he was a guy in the apartment across the hall and we talked and he said all the confusing things he’s said to me, I wouldn’t be interested in him at all. I would see someone that was not my type or someone I wouldn’t be interested in because he’s a complete mess.

I just can’t believe this is my life at freaking 42. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. It’s so frustrating.

What pisses me off the most is Mr. I’m bored with my routine and want to start doing the things in life I want to do, hasn’t done anything. He had the entire weekend to go do some of the things he’s stated he wants to do, but guess what Mr. I Hate Routines did? He did the same thing he always does...he sat around with his boring self and was sleep by 9 pm on a Saturday evening. For someone who is tired of his routine he hasn’t changed crap. So I guess he’ll magically come alive once he moves out. I swear I want to smack the crap out of him. No worries, I won’t. I’m just venting.

I hope I don't come off as arrogant and the age difference between my WAW and Mr. I'm bored sound similar in this.

One of the main reasons she wanted to separate and D in the future was because she felt she was too young and hadn't had a chance to better herself and live her life. But when we were together she would watch TV more than anything. She did work A LOT and I mean that! But when she did have time at home I never saw her show any interest for going back to college or ever once saw her pick up a book.

I guess they might believe that once they break free all of their ambition or new personality will take over.