An old mindset for Burned. This is thread 8.

[burned]

Vapo. That is intriguing. My IC said the same thing a few weeks ago. It would be about the ballsiest move I’ve ever pulled in my life. Completely out of character for me. Like, straight back in time to 2004 when she started wondering why her pants kept falling off every time I showed up.

Unfortunately I’ve already moved out just about all of my stuff. And we’ve already discussed financial terms and I can buy out her half of the house with retirement and savings.

All seriousness, what do I gain from that? Suddenly she realizes I’m not a doormat? I mean she would lose her sh*t. Although she wouldn’t move until the semester ends, so there would be a period of IHS. But man would that expedite the D once she was out. No? Or is this one of those counterintuitive things?

So...go on...I’m listening very closely...

[Wanted1]

Burned,

I’m by NO MEANS an expert on any of this. I keep screwing up my own sitch plenty and am still learning. However, moving back into your house would be a complete shock to her wouldn’t it? You pretty much said so. According to sandi, woman need to earn respect for their H in order to find the attraction in them again. One way for her to earn respect is to show her you will no longer take her sh!t. Will it piss her off initially? Sure. But I think you are right that it’s probably one of those counterintuitive things. A lot of this is in my mind. But when you step back and think about it, it all does make sense.

What do you have to lose by doing it? Sounds like she hasn’t come around at all since you moved out, right?

She is the one that screwed up. She knows that, deep down. Why should you be the one to allow her to stay in YOUR home and carry on with her WW life and you are the one displaced? That shows her you will let her walk all over you which = unattractive.

[burned]

According to sandi, woman need to earn respect for their H in order to find the attraction in them again. One way for her to earn respect is to show her you will no longer take her sh!t. Will it piss her off initially? Sure. But I think you are right that it’s probably one of those counterintuitive things. A lot of this is in my mind. But when you step back and think about it, it all does make sense.

What do you have to lose by doing it? Sounds like she hasn’t come around at all since you moved out, right?

I see the rationale. I’d be curious to hear what Sandi thinks. To me it seems pretty heavy-handed, especially at this point. I’ve been gone for 5 months now. Lawyer consult will help clarify. It’s true that there’s not much to lose, and a whole lot to gain. Wish I had thought of this before I moved from the temporary place to the new place.

It would also probably reset the 6-month D clock of “living separately and apart” before final decree. That could work in my favor, maybe.

This is nuts, guys. Ain’t gonna happen. She’d move right out anyway.

Edit. Will run it by IC tomorrow morning. It may not be a viable plan but it certainly gave me a little confidence boost thinking about it. Like, you know, there’s always room for a little crazy.

[Twofeet]

Burned,

You need to go talk to a lawyer, put one one a small retainer to ask questions if you need to. Then I would talk to an accountant, one that is highly recommended, especially with dealing D and separations.

BTW who cares if she moves out. She abandoned the MR with the A, not you. As far as I can tell you are the only one suffering the consequences.

[Vapo]

You are not doing it to get a reaction out of her. That would be wrong. You are doing it for you, to reclaim your balls. She strayed, why should you move out of your own home?!?

I see you are afraid that it might expedite the D. WTF? Your marriage is over. The only relationship that might come to fruition, will be a brand spanking new relationship. do not believe any bull$hit that she needs "time" to"find herself" and to "come to realization" what she really wants. It is all bull$hit. Do not go buying into this crap. She knows what she wants and it is not you.

And no amount of sheepish behavior will bring her back. You have to get on with your life and quit looking over your shoulder if she is following you. You have to live your life for you. This fact literary took a couple of years for me to sink in. And if I can shorten someone else's learning, than mission accomplished.

[FlySolo]

It would be about the ballsiest move I’ve ever pulled in my life. .

Yep. Ballsy.

I totally get all the advice you're getting here ... it is in a way getting your b@lls back ... and you will feel more in control of your life ...

... but a word of caution ...

I did a 6 month IHS and it was the worst period of my entire life. Everything about the environment was toxic. He was angry and spiteful and everything I did, including breathing made him angry. It makes detaching doubly hard because they are in your face all the time reminding you that they don't love you anymore. And you are in their face all time reminding them of how much they don't want to be with you. Since MO, space has allowed us to interact on a much more even keel. Yes, it is awkward, yes, he feels further away than ever, but at least I have space now to heal.

You mention she will lose her sh!t and you are absolutely correct. Can you come home to someone who will undoubtedly despise you for forcing your way back in ... just to get your b@lls back?

I guess what I am asking is what is your goal here? And does this bring you further or closer to that goal?

On the other hand, you might feel strong enough to handle the toxicity. Can you continue to detach with her in your face all the time? If you think you can do and you think moving back in will bring you closer to your goal, then take the advice above and move back in.

[neffer]

^^^^^Here we have a headshot from Vapo

[burned]

Wow this is confusing because...there are so many implications. I would LOVE to feel that confidence again. And all the people who know me (including ME) would look at me and go, wow look who grew a pair, finally.

Two things.

1, she would probably just leave, no? That’s my assumption. She wanted to leave in June before I handed her the keys. She wanted to get an apartment closer to school and I figured OM would join her, so I tried to stop that by letting her stay in the house. It’s out of his way (he was living out of state with his W). Ha! A lot of good that did. (Actually the night of BD she said something like, “I can just go, if you want.” THAT’s when I should have said, “yes, go.”) So really, the likelihood of IHS is pretty low. But I do get what you mean about it being harder to detach.

2, related to detaching. I don’t really like the house, and anyway it’s full of ghosts. That’s what would make detachment harder, I think.

[FlySolo]

I come back to what is your goal? And how does MO bring you closer to that goal?

The ghosts in my house are the happy memories from before BD and the god awful ones after BD. That and the feeling of emptiness when he has the kids (which is a lot).

... but I have come to accept the ghosts and the quietness and am comfortable in it ... you will get there too.

Will she MO - I don't know. She might stay just to spite you, or she might, in the cold light of day, look at her finances and decide that living in an apartment is going to leave her without much money (difficult to live a WW life when you have no money in the bank).

[burned]

Again, two things.
1. My goal is R. I love this crazy woman. I’m told that taking my b@lls back makes that more likely. Or less unlikely?
2. Money is a problem as she has no income and I have been footing the bill for everything. When talking about D all she focuses on is money. She needs her half of the cash to survive, or at least she plays it off that way.
3. OK, three things. I have NO idea if she is still in an A. So I need to be careful that my actions are proactive, not punitive.