Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gordie]

Gerda

I hope you are well despite everything

And you are enjoying that beautiful church

I put the song you recommended to me on a playlist

Whenever it comes around on shuffle

I say a little prayer for you

[Gerda]

I put the song you recommended to me on a playlist

Whenever it comes around on shuffle

I say a little prayer for you

Insert image of Gerda tearing up at the thought of this.

((((((GORDIE)))))))

Gordie = The Best

[Gerda]

Gerda - You do not pay H for misplaced iPad - ever - I don’t care how much he is at you. No. No. No.

DnJ, I love it when you stand up for me.

Also it helps me stand up for myself -- at least sometimes. When I remember about the miniatures on the mantle.

I love all your ideas on this post. And all your posts to me.

Rushing but wanted to say, as usual, how much your posts help me.

All that said, it would be so much easier for me if we could just find that iPad. I figure if all my DB friends come by and help me, we'll not only find the iPad but get this h#llpit cleaned and organized.

[Gerda]

It's so funny when you stop in Job, and just slice right through to the heart of the matter. Your vantage point from years of seeing MLC antics is so amazing and never weighed down by the LBS's fog of pain. You always make it all sound so simple.

For example -- the favorite child thing. How many times have I read that on these boards and thought I understood it? And then when it happens in my house I forget all about what I have learned and take it so seriously and think I can fix it and make my kids or my H see the truth somehow. And about trying to control me through my son -- I know they are controllers and manipulators. I figure that's also how he got his friend to pay for the D. And yet daily, because I try to forgive daily, I forget that I should not believing any of what he says.

Lately he disappears so much I don't hear as much from him. Tonight for example it's now 11 pm and no sign of him. I keep thinking of those who say how great it was when the MLC'er moved out and you didn't have to wonder when/if they would come home or feel anxious about them coming home anymore. Can you believe it? Gerda is ready for that now. Not to move on but just to have the PEACE of not having to have him in this house bringing us all down all the time. Of getting to just be me, running as happy a household as I can.

I was thinking we should take my miniature DB friends on the mantle idea more seriously. A talking Job action figure who reminds us of all these things and which could fit in a shirt pocket to whisper reminders throughout the day? There could be a panic button to press during spewing, for example. The Job doll could whisper, "It's not about you! Set a boundary!"

[Gerda]

Divorce court today. One of our Catholic friends is coming to sit in the courtroom. It's the first time H will have to face anyone we know about what he is doing.

I actually had a small victory with my other court case and might have found a solution to save me from being sued by the landlord at that biz. I worked so hard and it was a true rollercoaster.

But as soon as it was starting to clear up, now I have to go and do this. I am very tired, spiritually. About to go to church and lay it all at God's feet.

H has been away a lot, he is apparently doing a renovation project at the house of the godfather who is paying for his D. He told me that this man has been loaning him money -- presumably against the sale of his godchildren's house. And now that man is paying him to renovate his house though for the past five years of MLC, our house has fallen into a state of total disrepair and I am trapped at home because of the car. (It happened again with car this past weekend, will paste our exchange below.)

I was actually remembering something about that friend. Our entire marriage, this friend had a weird intimacy with H. H and I had many fights over spending time with that friend. For example, we would finally be going on a trip with the kids and have the chance to have some time alone and he would invite that friend and his family. Now, looking back on it, I feel that I must have sensed something. I thought it was me. But now, thinking back on it, I always wanted my H to have good friends, and I always wanted to do things with other families. There was just something about that friend that made my skin crawl. At BD, H even told me that he and that friend wanted to take over our business and cut me out of it. I was so hurt that I offered to keep the business with him (we had been planning to sell it and move to Europe) and try harder to run it as a team. I just worked my butt off and tried to be so sweet while he began his descent into all that monstrous behavior, affairs, etc. I didn't know then that he was in MLC.

Ugh, as I am writing, i hear H downstairs. He has come home from his two-hour run and is preparing himself for the day. I can feel the self-righteous indignation radiating all the way to me upstairs. He truly feels he is doing God's will by finally standing up for himself and ridding himself of me. I know I am not supposed to think about that and just focus on me, but on a day like today, it's just all before me, with him living here, it's so impossible.

Anyway, I need you guys today. Send me some prayers or some words. I am dreading court. Though I must say that having an L is very different. In the past I would have had to spend all these days preparing for court, all while having to see H in the kitchen, etc. Now that I have an L, I am not even sure what we are doing at court today. I am just letting her lead me like a sheep. And reminding myself that God is in control and has a plan for me.

Here's that latest exchange about car. He was about an hour away at the friend's, not sure why he wrote 1/2 hour. He seemed to have agreed that I could have car on weekends but every time starts up again asking for it, so I said I needed it Sun but not Sat. When I woke up in morn, saw his text, so my plan for use was dashed. I was pissed, honestly, so my reply to him was not the usual Gerda politeness. He continues to use a sweet nickname for me, I don't get it.

On Sun, 8:40 AM, H wrote:

>What time do you need the car? I could leave now and be at (home) in a
>half hour, but if you will not need it, I would stay and work.

On Sun, Jan 13, 2019 at 10:00 AM Gerda wrote:
Stay there. it's too late now for me to do what I was going to do.

On Sun, 11 AM, H wrote:
Phooey, Gerdsie! I said I clearly I could be at (home) in 30 mins, and that I was ready and willing to do it, and the only reason I asked is because you have a long history of indecisiveness regarding car use. I was just being adaptable, equal, humane, and reasonable (given past non-uses) in asking — not combative.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I am thinking about you. Stay strong, stay business-like.

I totally understand you feeling like a sheep being lead along.

With my involvement in separation, will updating, and divorce; I found there is so much behind the scenes stuff that the L looks after. They are professionals at what they do, and I didn’t need to be involved in all that, just the decision or direction, they look after all the details.

I distinctly remember a point when I just threw my hands in the air and just had to trust that my L knew what he was doing and believe what he was telling me. It was difficult, I did have some trust issues with everyone, so soon after bomb drop.

Gerda, you are an intelligent women. Listen to your lawyer’s advice and recommendations, know what it is you want and how much your willing to fight for it, know what your willing to let go of, and give your L the decision and direction you want to go. I know you’ve done this already.

The ground work has been laid, go to court and see what transpires. Then figure out where you go from there.

I know you are dreading court. This is a horrible reality of this situation you are in. Try to remain calm, you will get through this.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Thank you, my friend. Your words are always a huge help to me, and the friendship you give even more.

[DnJ]

You are very welcome. Please let us know how things turn out today, when you have the time. I am interested and admittedly a little anxious myself. I will work on remaining calm also.

[Gerda]

I am numb. It wasn't as bad as what happened to Marina but it was horrifying. It seems that he is going to fight for custody. I can't tell if all he wants is money, in which case I feel I should just give up everything in order to avoid putting my children through a custody battle.

It was so so so so horrible. A Catholic friend was with me and that was very helpful, H was horrified when he saw her. His lawyer kept lying about what is happening, said that he doesn't see the children because he can't make a schedule until he moves out, says he has no access to bank accounts which is a lie, said my father pays for everything for me, which is a lie. But in order to prove these things are a lie,I will have to go to trial, thereby dragging this out for a year or two. No one seemed to care that he doesn't work or help me, none of that seems to matter unless you go to trial, it's all about trying to work out a settlement to avoid trial, and no one cares that seeing him is harmful for the kids or that they don't want to sleep over at his place, if he gets one, and that he can't afford one until our house is sold.

But all of it ends up being made to look like I am trying to control everything. The court attorney, a young woman who has never had children I am sure, kept looking at the papers and saying, There is no money here, I don't understand how they are living, and his lawyer kept shouting about "the asset," our house, and she kept saying, but it's not liquid. And yet allowed him to suggest he would pay for the children's attorney by using the house as collateral!

So I don't know what to do. I don't want my kids to go through that. And we'll have to get a guardian for them and they'll have to go through that too.

Thank God he hasn't come home yet.

I realize I am still in disbelief. I still can't believe he is not going to wake up and be H again. I admit this. I realized in court that I keep thinking I won't have to go through the whole thing, that he will wake up first.

[DnJ]

Gerda

I am sorry.

H is revealed to you. You see him clearly. You have an idea of what he might be willing to do.

No one seemed to care that he doesn't work or help me, none of that seems to matter unless you go to trial, it's all about trying to work out a settlement to avoid trial...

From my experience that is very true.

Right now you and H are working towards a settlement. An out of the court room settlement. As I learned almost anything goes in these arrangements - really. Expect for a few, very few by the way, rights for kids - everything else is negotiable and can even be waived (remember my W?).

Gerda, please listen.

In your post you have stated many things that as you said do not seem to matter, even mentioned his lies, and yes at this point they do not matter, not until a trial. So what does matter? What are these people, mediators, looking for or considering?

You need to know and understand what arena you are fighting in, and what rules and scorecard is used. I guarantee it is not the same as you would use. And believe me, this is a fight.

You have an incline of what H is planning. Get prepared! Get your ducks lined up, load the cannons, and go after everything you are entitled too. This is a business arrangement that has gone sideways and is being disolved. Looking at it that way, will keep you focused on what you need to do for you and your kids.

Talk to your lawyer about custody, house, and money. This all boils down to just kids and money. See what your’s and his rights are in regard to kids and money - custody, alimony, etc... Rememebr at this point all that is negotiable. So what does he want? What do you absolutely want? What are you willing to let go of? And are your wants reasonable? By that I mean are they likely to be accepted by him.

If you do not feel comfortable or confident in your lawyer’s abilities - get another one! This is the most important decision / fight of your life. It really is. Do not go at this lightly.

At the beginning of your post you mentioned that maybe all H wants is money. And then you toy with giving up everything to avoid putting children through a custody battle.

A viewpoint from me. Your H may want money more than primary responsibility of children. He may even give you sole custody for a bigger piece of the financial pie. The lawyers will need to hash out what he and you are willing to settle with. However do not give up too much. Do not fear all this, or the time frame of it. This is when you need to put your fears on hold and use all your intellect. Use your lawyer, let them work for you.

Find out the worst case scenario. You need to know and accept it. Everything then is up from there. A major one being custody. I cannot see a case when you would ever receive less than 50/50 (however better make sure). Now with that starting point you can negotiate for a different split.

I am guessing you would like a different custody arrangement. If H wants less custody, go with the flow. If H wants 50/50 - now this is going to sound ugly, rememebr all this is just kids and money - you offer money for your kids. Aside from kids everything else is cash, the house, car, etc.. all cash. You two are just dividing up all the assets and time with children.

This is all just a separation settlement, a trial is a much different animal from what I understand. Still, if you and H cannot find an acceptable middle ground a trial is an option. My belief is it is better if you can settle things with an agreement.

A few final pieces of advice (for today) from a friend.

Ensure you are comfortable with your lawyer.
You make money everyday, hold firm on what really matters.
You will get through this.
Don’t fear, it is not nearly as bad as you imagine it is.

DnJ