Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

DnJ, Dejavu, Paxluv, thank you so much for checking in on me and posting. I don't know if I ever got a post from Dejavu and Pax before, and that fact plus what you said made me think, Wow, I guess this really is over the top to elicit these responses. I mean, if I have impressed the actual LBS's of actual MLC'ers with my MLC'er, it must be really over the top. I always assume we all have the same basic thing happening to us. Also because I have in the past posted other insane e-mails he sent, so I thought it was getting a little boring.

DnJ, stop trying to outdo yourself with posts that are even more helpful than the one before. It's very late so I am going to think about everything tomorrow but I have read your post already twice and it hit home a lot, as usual. (Also did you notice that we often post at the same time?)

It's 1:30 am and I just got back from the nightly walk my son takes with me. I always tell him it's too late and then I always go because it's always amazing and he opens up so much on those walks. Today his therapist, aka, The S13 Whisperer (thank you, Lord, for sending the perfect therapist finally for my lost boy!), told me that S was talking about how his feelings didn't matter in the scheme of the universe, didn't matter if no one understood him, and therapist was trying to show him that they did and said, "Well, who does understand you?" And my son looked at him and said, "Well, you. And my mom."

When he told me that I started to cry. More that he said it about the therapist than me.

Just before that I was working on my custody proposal in the waiting room and got a call from the broker from the deal I am trying to make about some huge roadblock, then hung up and got a call from S13's school that they were going to kick him out. This is what I mean, that something's gotta give, it's just an endless barrage. I had 140 e-mails in my inbox today, literally, and I have whittled it down now to 118.

So goodnight, more thoughts tomorrow, DnJ and all you other friends out in MLC Land.

Actually first one little story -- in my sorrow, a bit of light. This morning I was on the train taking S to school (I have to take him there or he won't go) and this homeless guy came on and started asking for money, said he had AIDS and told his story and kept mentioning prayer. So when he sat down by me, I said, "I can't give you any money, but here is a prayer card," and I gave him one that I had in my bag. And he said immediately, "Will you pray with me now?" The train was very crowded and people were looking curiously over but pretending not to look. I knew what God wanted so I immediately said, "Yes, of course," and I kneeled by him and took his gloved hand though I really didn't want to and started praying. This woman sitting next to him got up and told me to sit there so I did and kept praying. I wasn't thinking about anyone but him and was praying very softly using his name, etc. And then when I finished we just sat there and I said a few things to him. And then this young woman sitting on the other side took off her headphones and leaned over and sort of gushed, "You are a beautiful person!" I was totally shocked, I didn't think anyone was listening or noticing, and I said, "No, no, I am horrible, I just love God," and she just beamed at me and kept repeating it and then put on her headphones and we kept going. When we got off the train, S13 was humiliated, kept saying how could you be so disgusting, touching that gross guy's hands, you're so weird, etc. So I had to sit alone on the next train with S13 hiding under his hoodie at the other end, far away from anyone knowing he could be with me, and think about the two reactions and hope that one day S would remember it with love. (On the walk we talked about it and I think he began to understand.) It's just so interesting how the same situation can be seen in so many ways by different people. Case in point, my H and me, looking at our marriage and our life.

So thank you to all of you for helping me see clearly. LOVE TO ALL.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

"Well, who does understand you?" And my son looked at him and said, "Well, you. And my mom."

You are on the right path.



The train, was handled beautifully. Teenagers see everything as revolving or concerning them. Most kids don’t even want to be seen with their parents when we drop them off somewhere with the car. Doing something to stand out, son had typical response. He will have another response, eventually, in years from now.

Be that fantastic role model for him. He is watching and responding. He knows you understand him, and that is a good step towards him understanding you.

DnJ

[Westo]

Gerda,

Does H actually talk the same way that he writes? Do his emails sound like him?

[Gerda]

Westo -- Good morning, my friend. I owe you a post for your brave post. Remember, we are all struggling with something dark. Gerda included. Big time. Bringing that into the light is beautiful, good for you!

About H -- well, yes, if we are in a conversation about literature or really if he gets going at any point, he talks an unedited version of that. An e-mail like that probably took him an hour of mania to compose and edit it. His dissertation is like that and I would periodically edit it for him so it's understandable and then he throws out my edit. He has been working on it for 10 years and probably has a thousand pages and can't finish it. Other times he seems a little normal and we are all at dinner table normally or I am being kind even if he's a little frenetic or smoldering but this week I literally have to turn to the wall when he comes in because I can't bear to look at him. It is because of this that I am terrified when the children are with him. Not afraid he will hurt them physically but being around him is hard even for an adult to bear, that energy of darkness and fury and convoluted thoughts.

[Gerda]

DnJ, you are a steadfast friend these days, checking on me so much. THANK YOU.

I am meeting a friend tomorrow to try to draft an idea.

i have realized that what Gerda wants, no matter if H ever comes back or doesn't, is to keep her house and run it as a business alone, but to finally be able to do what she wants with it. I spoke to my dad last night to just tell him all that is going on and plant the seed so that I could ask him in the next couple of days what he is willing to give me out of inheritance so that I can do it. He liked what I said about my future though he is obsessed with getting my H to go to a men's workshop that he leads where you slay the demons of the pain of your youth, etc. Yeah, that's real.

I have been thinking a lot about all you said about what I am willing to fight for. I guess what I don't know is how risky it is to fight, what will the court be likely to do, in other words. Do I use the court to protect me or do everything possible to use any money I spend to end this quickly?

His offer was joint legal, which I don't want because he is CRAZY and three afternoons a week plus Sundays. And then when school year ends, he wanted to add to that every other weekend, including the time I go to church with them, plus every Sunday on the other weekends. But the kicker was that this schedule would only start when I sold the house or paid him out. There is no known entity for where he would live or for the fact that I planned to live on the pretty island for a month or that the kids have camp and friends and other things they are doing. No mention of child support. Also he has a job four nights a week for three hours, the one that requires the car. So clearly he is assuming that when he gets his money, he will no longer work and that's how he could do this schedule.

I want to reiterate that he spends at present perhaps 10 minutes a day with D if we are here at the same time he is, and on average no minutes with S. D wants to hang out with him but usually if I leave them alone and go upstairs, when I come back down, she is alone watching TV and he is listening to lectures and eating or drinking wine. He can go days without seeing S because S stays upstairs a lot and H won't come upstairs. So this parenting plan is a bit of a joke, thinking that the kids will suddenly want to spend that much time with him, let alone sleep at his house.

I was going to say no, we need a parenting plan for now, and then I could use if he doesn't show up, etc. I have been advised by friends with crazy spouses and divorces to do that.

But I have been thinking about what I learned here about striking while iron is hot. I think I should try to make a deal fast, but it will include him moving out now and me paying him money each month (by renting out part of our apartment) to ensure he can get a place, for him to start the parenting plan now and to reduce it to 2 afternoons a week and every other weekend, days only, and then when he has a place, the children will be allowed to decide if they want the weekend to include a sleepover or if it's just the days. And I was going to offer that he can sleep over here every other weekend on that Saturday night. I know that sounds insane but it's better for the kids than having to sleep over in the house of MLCer.

And then it would include a formula for calculating his buy-out and give me six months to work it out. But I realize that I might need to give him a big wad of cash sooner to make him say yes.

And that would be based on potential sale, not on actual sale --

Appraisal price of house and rental cabin (house is also a rental biz but we live upstairs)
minus Capital Gains Tax minus City Transfer Tax (this would be like 40K) - Broker’s Fee

So then --

NET GAIN FROM SALE of house and car = TOTAL FROM ASSET SALES

Minus LIABILITIES as per Statement of Net Worth

So -- TOTAL OF ASSETS – LIABILITIES = something and his share is Half of this total.

From that total, minus Child Support based on income of 30,000 per year for S13 from Age 12 to 18 –- Child Support for D9 from Age 8 – 18 (yes, including some for years past because that's fair since I have kept this ship afloat for six years alone) minus Small Contribution to Education Costs from now until children are 18 -- Small Contribution to Medical Costs from now until children are 18.

What do you think? I figured if he balks I could remove the last two items.

I want to make it juicy enough for him to want to do it now but still protect my kids to the max. But I would rather lose a lot of money than miss my chance for a bearable custody arrangement so what do you all think?

Can you believe Gerda has come to this?

For anyone out there reading this -- I am not bitter yet. I forgive my H and pray for him everyday. (i have not found a way to forgive the godfather of kids who is paying for his D and loaning him money against sale of our house, and I have not forgiven OW. I hope I will be able to do one day.) But I have realized from everyone here and from prayer and living my life that I have to give my H to God, and so I have to be willing to go through this fire to release him. And that God has a plan for me, too, one way or the other.

OH and my last question -- Do you think I should say that if we proceed through court, we will be getting psychiatric evaluations of both parents? Do you think it will be clear that he is nuts or might he be able to hide it?

[job]

Gerda,

I know you aren't going to want to hear what I have to say, but...you need to take all of your proposals to your lawyer and allow that person to review them, discuss them w/you and then have him/her present them to your h. You need to accept the fact that he is only looking out for himself and does not care what happens to you. I believe I stated a while ago that he would use the children to get whatever it is he wants. He sees his life one way and you see it another. You can't change his mind on this. In his mind, he feels like a victim and is tired of living the way that he has been. Maybe things weren't always the way that he wanted them, but he had a choice to remain quiet or speak up. But, that time is not gone to him.

Gerda, you can't rationalize with an irrational person. You can't fix him! You have to save yourself and then work on saving your children. Think long and hard about what you need to do. If it means selling the house, you may need to seriously consider doing so and starting over elsewhere and make that home yours and your children's. I get the impression that you are stubborn and do not want to move (you remind me of myself in many ways), but push come to shove....something has to give. You can't continue on like this forever. It's taking its toll on you and the children.

The signs are all there...time for Gerda to be brave, strong and decisive. Rip that denial bandage off your heart, mind and soul and do what you need to do to end this situation for your sake and your children's. Set him totally free and when you do, you will be setting yourself free as well. Once the situation is done and over with, you will be amazed at how lighter you will feel and yes, you will be able to see clearly again what you need to do for you and your children. Right now, he has you running in circles and you can't think straight. Talk to your lawyer and listen to what he has to say. Sometimes we have to let things go in order to set ourselves free.

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Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds