My guess is that your MIL talked to her daughter. She probably told her how hard it would be on the kids, right as the holidays are approaching. She may have encouraged W to seek professional help. As a mother, these are things I would probably ask my D, especially if I was fond of my SIL.
Her note sounded very polite. I can see how it might be difficult for you not to get hopeful, thinking this is your W "reaching out" to you and suggesting you talk and seek counseling. I think you will feel that you have to meet to hear what she has to say...….b/c you'll think if you turn it down that you'll always wonder if that was your chance to save the MR and you didn't take it. There have been many LBH's to go through this same experience, and they can't help themselves. They jump on everything that moves.
I wish having a heart to heart would change the direction of things, but if she has some other guy waiting in the wings, I don't think a heart to heart will work.....nor will MC. I do agree that you shouldn't respond with something that sounds like you are simply playing games.
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I was thinking of responding with something simple like " W, I would welcome an opportunity to have a dialogue and I am willing to talk to you next week after I return home. Once I know my exact schedule, I will let you know what day(s) work best for me.
Well, I would leave out the "Welcome an opportunity to have a dialogue". I would say something like, I will agree to hear what you have to say". As I said, I don't think you'll miss the chance for the R talk, so I will give you some thoughts as though you are meeting with her.
* Meet in a public place, so if things don't go well, you can get up and walk away whenever you want. * This is not the time to make jokes, clown around, try to flirt, etc. Be civil, calm, and serious. Act as if it is a business meeting. Be confident above everything else. That's most important. * Be prepared to listen, rather than you trying to talk. This is not a talk to reconcile. She just wants to "air her feelings". She really is not interested in hearing anything you have to say, b/c she already knows how you feel. So, go with the intention of just listening. * Tell her to come alone. Some H's who have experienced meeting for a discussion, were shocked when the WW brought her BFF or father, or someone else. So, tell her not to bring company along if she wants to have a talk with you. * Listen to hear if she talks about reconciling and doing whatever it takes to save the MR. Does she talk about wanting to save her family, or is talking about herself. Is she willing to end all contact of any kind with OM? Listen carefully to hear if this all about her feelings. Listen to hear what she is willing to do.....other than just attending MC. Is she really willing to roll up her sleeves and work on the MR, or is she looking for a divorce counselor that just tells you how to transition everyone into their new life? If you'll listen closely, I think she'll give herself away. Oh, and if she should say something about acting as if none this ever happened and pick up where the MR left off...…..get up and walk out. That is a sure sign of a WW who does not want to do the necessary work. * Observe her emotions. Is she calm? Does she seem humble, haughty, cold, distant, overly friendly, etc. Does she appear peaceful, hurt, or angry? Is her anger barely under control? Can you see her anger when she talks about your faults in the downfall of the MR? Is crying? (Don't let tears confuse you, or make you feel sorry for her, b/c they are for herself.) How does she talk about the kids? * Do not tell her you don't want a divorce! She already knows it. Repeating it only sounds weak to her ears.
You may be able to come to some conclusions during the talk, but if you are not entirely certain and want to discuss it with the board....then tell her you will think it over and get back to her. IMHO, this is an opportunity for you to show your strength. No matter what she says or how emotional she gets, you are the stronger person. She can't make you break down in front of her. She can't force you to make promises, or plead with her. She can't make you act in any way that would indicate you are emotionally weak.
I may be wrong, but I highly doubt this meeting is a sign that she's having second thoughts. I think it is her way of getting through the holidays and trying to keep Mama off her back. That's my first thought. My second thought is that Plan A is a little shaky right now, so she wants to secure Plan B for the next couple of months.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am typing with my phone so I will not be able to get into all of the details, but there has been some major events in the last weeks. Long story short, we are working on starting a new R. Between my DBing activities and my work on recovering from NBS, I have begun making changes in my life that she is very interested in. We have had recent had three “marathon” discussions where we were finally honest with each other and we both validated each other with out defending our past transgressions. I know it is only a beginning, but the path towards reconciliation is at our feet.
I am now focused on making sure I know exactly what I want and that I correctly setup the necessary boundaries that will allow us to start the process of rebuilding trust. I am also focused on controlling expectations.
I would appreciate any advice on piecing or boundaries that the board has to offer.
Thanks for the response ovrrnbw, I will start putting to gather my list and post later for feedback.
Since I have a little more time, here is more of the back story.
It is really hard to believe, but it almost feels like a complete role reversal. She is now actively pursuing me. She is texting all of the time, wants to talk, wants to spend time with each other. I am not letting myself get to hyped up about it, because I do not trust everything yet. I am taking a very cautious approach and I am holding my ground. I like the new me and I am not willing to give that up.
These marathon sessions as I called them have been difficult, but I believe necessary. The real breakthrough was when she showed up late one night 7 hours after one of these sessions in tears. She said she could not go on holding back if we are to make it work and that is when she finally admitted to the A. I have never seen anyone that was so finished in my life, she just keep saying how lost she is. Her self-esteem must be at absolute rock bottom.
The funny thing is when she told me, I did not even flinch. I did not get upset, I stayed surprisingly calm. I don't know if it was because she simply confirmed what I believed to be true in my gut or maybe it is the fact that I am no longer the man I used to be, but I simply accepted what she was telling. While what she has done is not acceptable or excusable, I feel that I have gained new and different perspectives over the last few months with the help of this forum and the NMMNG book and I just understand how such a thing happens.
The old me would have flipped out, probably yelled at her, and would have probably held a grudge until the day I die. The old me would feel the need to punish her (passive aggressively) for the rest of our relationship which would have certainly resulted in both of us being unhappy. It pains me actually to look at myself that one and believe that about myself, but I know it is true. I know now that being able to forgive is such an important part of not only a happy R, but for me personally to be happy with myself.
I told her that people in love do not ever forget the hurt they have caused each other. If the stay together it is because they have the ability to forgive each other. (yes, I know I paraphrased a movie quote) I told her that I am willing to forgive, but it is going to take hard work to rebuild the trust and respect for each other and that there are no guarantees that it will work. I know it may sound strange, but I feel at peace with that. If things do not work, I know that I will be ok. My emotions/actions are no longer being governed by fear.
I am sure I am not explaining it the right way, it is not that I do not care if it works out or not, but I feel like either outcome will be equally OK for me.
I will continue to be active on the board to gain further insight and post with updates. I know that I have gotten a lot from others here and I hope that I can return the favor to others during their time of need.
Wow Hero! What an amazing turn of events! And I love that you have learned the value and importance of forgiveness in a relationship between flawed human beings...something all of us are. My H struggles with this most of all. The idea of forgiveness. When he gets hurt by something you do, even if you have the best of intentions, he will never tell you. Instead, he adds it to his growing list of transgressions [and they can be very, very minor] that by the time he confronts you with it, you don’t even remember what he is talking about. After 13 years, you can imagine how long my list must be. It is a sad way to live your life, IMO. Good for you for taking this time to self-reflect. It takes a very brave person to do this - especially when they have been “wronged” by someone else. It would have been much easier to take the victim role and I find it inspiring that you did not go that route. Thank-you for posting and for continuing to be active on the board. (((HUGS)))
Hero18, what does R look like to you? What are your requirements for her to come back to the MR?
This is a dangerous time. Make it too easy and you set yourself up for the same thing in the future (believe me on this, I have LIVED it!). Stick to the principles. Makes sure your requirements are clear and understood. GO reread the pursuit distance thread. She is pursuing now, but the minute you start she will distance.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
