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A Message from Michele
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Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2815182
10/01/18 04:56 AM
10/01/18 04:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
Well, I finally have a little time to provide an update.

The Wife and I are doing good. We still have our moments, we had one last night, I've been having a lot of triggers lately. So I sat down and discuss them with my wife, she got defensive and said she has told me these things over and over. She also told me, she doesn't think I'm ready to move forward with this M. I told her, the choices we made in our M had consequences I informed to her that she might not be ready as well. Because she was going to have to deal with me in the capacity of having questions until I'm properly healed (this was a selfish comment on my part). We left it at that last night.

We woke up this morning and talked it out. We love each other very much. But we both realize that there will be moments of insecurity because we are human. I think my wife realize that more than I do.

Our everyday lives are normal. I go to work and she stays home and takes care of our boys. What has changed is when I get home I help out with the boys more and she works to show me that I'm a priority to her.

Something, I want to do or try to do, is give my W point of view as I understand it. I think this can help future LBSs.

My wife is working hard to prove to me that she is all in on our M. She tells me all the time she is not walking away from me or leaving me. She felt as though I didn't care or love her. She calls the A, a shallow fling. I disagree, but who cares. She sees, her A, as more of she hated me and didn't want to be around me anymore, she couldn't stand to be around me and I disgusted her. All her respect for me was gone, and she saw me as less than a man, and she saw me as a man that couldn't protect her, not from a fighting standpoint, but from a have her back standpoint. Which means, when she's having a hard time with the kids, I step in and help out. She has groceries in the car, I help get them. She wanted me to be the man and not a selfish child. And that how she saw me most of our M, before BD.

This past week and weekend was rough. She came and held me and told me that people argue and disagree, and I shouldn't get so upset about certain things. She is right, I still have my wall up and I'm ready to be hurt. I still have anger, resentment, and doubt. She has moved pass all of it, and It leaves me wondering, what am I doing wrong. She forgives/forgets fast.

Let me also say, my wife and I, both came to an agreement that we didn't get married for all the right reasons. We jumped into the Marriage because she became pregnant, and she thought she would grow to love me, but we didn't fully know each other before we tied the knot. At BD she told me she was never in love with me. Now she is saying, she loves me, but she is not in love with me, but she feels herself growing closer to those feelings. She tells me she wants to be around me all the time now, and she is starting to enjoy our life.

Are we in the clear no. Are we working to making our M stronger yes? Are there guarantees in life no. The one thing I can say is life is filled with uncertainties. We can't predict the future, we put so many "just in cases" in our lives that we don't know what to do or how to feel when there's isn't one available. Those, "just in cases" are insurances, home, car, health, flood, renters, and all kind of other insurances. Warranties, for all kind of things. Retirements. But there is no certainties for life and the complex beings we are. We are given a finite time on this Earth and then we die. That's the only guarantee. Marriage, life, nor a spouse is guaranteed. So work to be happy, no matter who you are with or where you are in life.

I have driven myself mad trying to always have an answer, but sometimes the answer is there aren't any answers. I hear people say live life with no regrets, that's stupid, without regrets, there wouldn't be growth. I say live life pass regrets. Don't give up on yourself to allow others a chance at being a part of your life and you will be alright.

My Marriage was DBed, but the work hasn't gotten any easier, I have even been miserable on days. The whole time while I was DBing, I thought to myself I will be the happiest person in the world if I get my W back. Well, that hasn't always been the case. That was a feeling for those moments. I still have a lot of healing to do and self-reflection work.


LBSs, keep y'all heads up. Keep your chest held high and love yourself hard.

M:34 W:34
T:9 M:8
S14, S10, S7, S2
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.


M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2815789
10/04/18 12:18 AM
10/04/18 12:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 836
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BluWave Offline
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Posts: 836
joejoe,

Thank you for updating. I am glad that you two remain on the path together. I can relate to so many points in your post. I don't update often, because I am not sure what to update. Yes, we sort of carry on, but it can feel quite boring and uneventful at times. Other times I self doubt because I continue to cycle back to the same negative thinking, which does not feel like progress.

You mention that you still have triggers. I think that is okay and to be expected. The trauma is significant. I believe they will continue to fade over time. My H has been back 3.5 years and the triggers have lessened significantly. I am also allowing myself to more see things that were not right in the M before this happened, as opposed to the sitch alone. The triggers can distract from the original M issues, because with the triggers, then our minds become focused on that one time period.

I really appreciate the changes you are both making.That is what this is all about. Slowly making positive changes and creating better habits. These are some of the sliver linings and how we can create a better M than we had before.

Quote
This past week and weekend was rough. She came and held me and told me that people argue and disagree, and I shouldn't get so upset about certain things. She is right, I still have my wall up and I'm ready to be hurt. I still have anger, resentment, and doubt. She has moved pass all of it, and It leaves me wondering, what am I doing wrong. She forgives/forgets fast.


I know exactly what you mean. Sigh. I feel the same way. My H DBs by nature and not even having learned it here. I have to work really hard at this stuff. Also, I think our wounds might be deeper than there's. We were not the ones that left the M.

I have miserable days too. Still. You are not alone. This is more than a process, it's a new life, and I don't know how long it will take to settle in entirely. I am not even sure where I am at today with it all.

I wish you guys the best. Thank you for the update :-) Keep coming back. I want all the newbies to see that this is no easy path.! Of course we only want them back when they are gone, I did too, but when they are back, it's a different, confusing, and possibly longer journey. There are no simple rules or recipe for this part.

Blu


“The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose.” — Thornton Wilder
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2818155
10/19/18 10:38 AM
10/19/18 10:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
Blu,

Comfusing, you are truly right about that. Battles being fought all over the place. Hope you are doing good.


M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2818643
10/22/18 03:42 PM
10/22/18 03:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 836
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Posts: 836
I don't update much either. Partly because I don't have anonymity - I blew it somewhere along the way - but also because I don't often know what to post. I am so far down the road, but I really can't say that I have fully restored the M. Sure, we are together and so is our family. This is not the type of R that I imagined I would have in my life. I still doubt things all the time. You are fighting battles; perhaps that is a good thing. Would you say you are highly invested in making it work?

I don't even have much energy for that. The battles are more in my head. I don't even know if "battle" is a good word for me. I have these ongoing informal lists of pros and cons in my mind, and I know it's no way to live, but I can't seem to rally momentum in one direction or another. If that makes sense. I wouldn't even describe myself as stuck, but more in a lull or hiatus.

Blu


“The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose.” — Thornton Wilder
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2818942
10/24/18 02:28 AM
10/24/18 02:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 895
San Antonio, Texas
Blu,

Well, well, well......I think you and I are surfing the same wave. Man am I becoming ambivalent. I just want to run out the front door or some days and never look back. My W wants this to be normal. I can't see no got dam normal. I guess that's how I feel when she says some of the things she say. And I know she is right, but I still have some anger in me on some days. And she can see it in me. In those moments I dont care what the hell she does. I love my wife and love is a choice and so is forgiveness and for some reason choosing to love is easier than choosing to forget. I'm guarded as well. Even, now that my W is more transparent than she has ever been.

Some days I feel like a plum fool and other days I feel just fine. I'm doing so much better in other aspects of life thou. Better than before BD. I would of gave almost anything to be in this position last year. Halloween marks our 1 year mark on deciding to piece. Time sure in a hell a$$ flies. Life is short, and I don't want to spend anymore days feeling like this. I have read and listen to all kind of podcast and videos and I know this is part of the process.

My wife and I have gotten a lot closer and I'm the one pulling a way most days. She just gives me space a pouts. You are not alone BLU. You my girl BLUE. "All these tears".

Onward and forward


M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2820363
11/02/18 02:50 PM
11/02/18 02:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 923
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neffer Offline
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Posts: 923
Onward and forward. I always carry those with me. Thank you jj. Glad to read your posts.

Onward and forward man! Great!


WW H(me): 48
W: 43
T: 23 M: 18
S: 13
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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