Feeling good. Much better than this point last Monday. A fairly significant shift in our sitch. It's nothing to write home about, but it is of note.
To recap:
Friday evening I was talking to my dad who got into his verbal abusive characteristics (trashing my mom), to which I shut down. Told him I did not call him to drag mom's name in the mud. This whole call was about me. Leave mom out of it. W asked me if I made it home. I did not respond. I drove home and spent some time with D4 and W's mom. For the first time in a long time I actually talked to W's mom about our challenges, the depression we faced, and how hard it's been for us. We reassured each other that things will work out for the better. I told her I'm starting to see things turn around already. We went inside and both W's mom and D4 went to sleep. I get a call about 20 minutes after they went to bed. I ignored it. It was way past D4's bedtime. She texts me that she was "trying to catch me and if D4 is ok". I ignore it. Just as I was going to my shower (I love long hot showers) I overhead W's mom talking to W. I hear W's mom telling W that "he is in his bedroom doing something". I also assumed that since D4 and W's mom are co-sleeping that W's mom told W that D4 is ok so I had no need to respond. So I continued about my night. I showered, and said my night prayers. She texts "hello?" and then tries to call me. Ok...I pick up. She seems "relieved" that I picked up. Asked me if everything was ok. I said "yes". She said she was trying to call me to check on D4. I said I heard W talking to W's mom and I assumed that W would have asked W's mom about D4 so I did not need to call. She said that is weird and still wants to go through me to talk...I said..."uh...ok...still do not understand it". She then tried to make small talk, I just told her "yes. Uh huh" and told her that I'm pretty tired and need to go to bed. End call.
Call at 7am the next morning. I ignored it (Phone was on night DND mode to it goes to VM). She asked me if I was on the other line. Again, I ignored it. W calls W's mom about what's going on with me. I don't hear anything. W's mom just sounded irritated that W called her and woke her up. I leave the house. I get W's call AGAIN. Ok...I figure I should let her know that I am ok and that I was GAL by myself before I spend the day with D4. So I pick up. She asked me repeatedly if I am ok. I repeatedly say "I'm great'. Makes small talk and told me about the party she went to where our friends were. Told me that they are all "miss me very much". I said "ok". She said they really want to hang out with me and felt weird that when W was there I was not there. I said that they want to get a hold of me to make plans, they can get a hold of me themselves. I was ready to end the call, but she kept me on the line. Started to talk a little about her moods and feelings and asked me how I was feeling. I validated. She kept asking me that this felt weird and asked me what was wrong. I said "wonderful. Life if great". She said I sounded manic. I said "no. I'm feeling great." She kept me on the line for almost 30 minutes. The longest we have casually talked. I wanted to end the call numerous times.
Had my DB coach session. Coach was happy for me that I'm standing up for myself. Picked up D4 and took her to breakfast. W texted and asked where we were going. I said that we were going to the coffee shop near our house. She said she can meet us there. Sure. Went there and had coffee and chatted for another 20 minutes. Again, I did not ask her to do any of this.
The rest of the day I spend with D4, shooting pictures, shopping, etc. W asked me how D4 and picture taking was. I answered "great!". No response for the rest of the day until that evening she called around D4's bedtime. I let D4 answer and D4 talk to her. When D4 was done, she hung up the call.
Two or three hours later she texted me three times in the course of an hour to "check how D4 was and if she went to bed with no problems." I finally replied that she went down with no troubles. End Saturday.
Yesterday, I got ready for another busy morning with D4. Went to get some groceries and W called. I let it go to voicemail. She left a message telling me that our friends wanted to see D4 at lunch. So I made plans to drop D4 off and go about my day. W called around lunch and started to talk about her work sitch. I listened and dropped off D4 with W and her friend. Friend asked me to stay for lunch, I said I had to go do other things. Went home and...cried. Got myself together and finished getting slow cooker food going. Left for a few hours. W called and asked me if I was going shopping. I said no (figured she can shop for her own food). Went home, W asked me to clean some of the house, I agreed. Went to my bedroom, prayed, showered, and went to sleep. Think W knocked on my bedroom door and opened it and saw that I was asleep.
W is sniffing. You not answering and being fully available has her chasing. Now, I'd be even less available. Don't turn down lunch invitations from a friend! (Unless maybe you had a reason to, which I don't know).
I'd put that phone down when you are out and about and live in the moment. And if W calls, oh well. You're living in the moment. You moved back in to YOUR bedroom and kicked the cheater out. She clearly is trying to get her hooks back in you, and nobody knows what the reason for that is. So don't assume it's because she wants R. But don't let her get her hooks back in you. Keep detaching. It seems like less communication is helping you do that. So quit feeling bad for her. She isn't going to have you there 24/7 if you guys get divorced. So let her deal with the consequence of her choosing this path.
Good job man!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
.....You moved back in to YOUR bedroom and kicked the cheater out...
Move back into MB with the "I decided I like MB. W, you can sleep where you want. If you are uncomfortable in here, I understand".
I decided I like this side of the bed more. I decided I like the bed here. I decided I didn't want that picture in here. I decided I like this style more than the old style.
Be manly. Lead.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I get a call about 20 minutes after they went to bed. I ignored it.
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She texts me that she was "trying to catch me and if D4 is ok". I ignore it.
OK let me touch on this as a lot of people seem to misunderstand the concept of "sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour later, and sometimes not at all." The reason for this is to create mystery about where you are and what you are doing. Let her mind wander, contemplating the awesome GAL you are engaging in. However, it is most effective when you REALLY ARE GAL'ING and are too busy to answer. If she knows you are at home with D and her mom is there, well you are accomplishing nothing by ignoring the phone other than causing resentment. Instead of looking like you are GAL'ing, you come off like you are ignoring her. Which in fact is EXACTLY what you are doing. That is NOT going to bring her back! Again, LOVINGLY detach. That does NOT mean be cold, uncaring, indifferent. Don't ignore her calls if she knows you are at home with D, answer. Now if she has D and she's calling you and doesn't know where you are or what you are doing, then feel free to wait until later to call back or reply. Even better if you call back from a busy place with all kinds of activity in the background. See the difference there?
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She then tried to make small talk, I just told her "yes. Uh huh" and told her that I'm pretty tired and need to go to bed. End call.
Now that part is perfectly fine!
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I was ready to end the call, but she kept me on the line. Started to talk a little about her moods and feelings and asked me how I was feeling. I validated. She kept asking me that this felt weird and asked me what was wrong. I said "wonderful. Life if great".
Don't TELL her, SHOW her.
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I wanted to end the call numerous times.
Then do it. Cut the idle chit chat and just stop her off mid-sentence if you have to and say "I'm sorry but I really do need to run" and hang up.
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I said that we were going to the coffee shop near our house. She said she can meet us there. Sure. Went there and had coffee and chatted for another 20 minutes. Again, I did not ask her to do any of this.
That's fine, no harm there. It's something you were doing with or without her, so if she wants to come along that's OK.
TBH, I do not want to move into the MBR and sleep on the bed where W and OM likely had sex. It's gross. I like my bedroom more and I'm likely buying my own bed.
Everything else...yeah...buckle in, because now it's getting serious. I'm done looking over my shoulder. I'm done with the friendly small talk. And I'm done with her cheating, lying ways.
Edit: Saw your update, AS. I am forcing myself not to be tethered to my phone. I may have taken off my smartwatch and left my phone in the other room. It does not matter. It was such an obvious temp check with right after she called her mom she called me. It was glaring.
And I hear you on ignoring vs. genuine GAL. I'm just needing to GAL at home as well if I am forced to (I'm cooking, or cleaning, or editing my photos, etc.). I always let her know that D4 is ok. And I'm going to assume when she calls during the evening it's because she want to check on D4. That's it. No expectations.
Sorry, to add the next night it was just D4 and I. I got three texts in the course of an hour that I actually could not respond to because my phone needed to be charged and D4 was asking for extra affection from me. All texts were asking if things were ok and if D4 went down easy, etc. I checked my phone and saw the three messages. Second message was her telling me she is going to bed. When I was done, I told her that D4 was wonderful all day and at bedtime. She responded "Perfect." and she was happy to hear about it.
I'm getting this down pretty well. This feels good.
I'm getting exhaused with these rapid ups and downs.
To summarize, no contact with W all day yesterday. W called for two minutes telling me she is going to yoga again and needs me to watch D4. Ok. No problem. I can lift after she is done. Second question was Halloween plans. Confirmed plans. Finished workout. Prayed (while crying) and drove home. Mom sent me pictures from a cousin's engagement. They all looked happy. I broke down and texted my mom that I'm being punished by God and this is just another twist of the knife. Told her how much it hurts. She called and apologized numerous times for sending me the pictures. I told her that there was nothing to forgive. That she just wanted to share it with me. Cried wondering when my opportunity will come. Hung up. And just went to an outlook and just stared at the river for about 20 minutes. Drove home. As I entered, I got a text from W telling me she is not feeling well and is going to bed. D4 was awake so I went in and read her a bedtime story. Grabbed dinner, went into my room, ate, prayed, and went to sleep. Heard W mulling about after I went in my room, but I did not care.
Woke up the next morning, her bedroom door was open and she asked me if I "had a cold". I said "Nope. Just waking up." Showered, she made small chit-chat, I got ready and drove in to work.
Lifting after work tonight then I don't know. Probably the same thing I did yesterday evening, hopefully without tears.
Thinking about the holidays and her birthday. I may just give one gift for her birthday and not acknowledge it otherwise. I don't know.
W wants me out of the house three days per week again. Says it's healthy for us. I said I cannot do that. Lots of back and forth in which she said it's not fair, we need to detangle, etc. I refused to budge. She said that she is going to have to move out and get a third job to afford her own place.
I validated and told her that her viewpoint is valid. She said that we "need to detangle". She really wants to go back to the three day on/three day off schedule we had. I dug in my heels and said that I am not leaving our house anymore.
