I think your realtor has given you good advice. I would put it back on the market in early March because houses don't usually sell quickly between Nov. - Feb. Before I agreed to take it off the market, I would discuss what the realtor advised you to do.
If you use the house as a bargaining chip, she may tell you to keep it on the market. Proposing or giving ultimatums doesn't work well when some is in MLC. They always pick the option that is the easiest and she will see this as manipulation. I would just lay out to her what the realtor said and not bring up the divorce issue...but that is my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. I think she is about to hit rock bottom too. Job search is not what she hoped and she's extremely depressed. May want to go back to school to do something that pays the bills but not something she really wants to do. Also feels shes wasted her life, etc...She tried to engage me again this morning by saying "if we get divorced I will need a good job. I know that's not what you want to hear"
I said "I get it" she started to cry and I left for the gym.
It's so hard because the husband in me wants to embrace and tell her it will be ok. The DB in me just wants to get out of the situation.
Reading your situation just stirs me up inside, so familiar.
Only difference is my husband has left physically and come back a number of times to pursue his fantasy life/affair. But he always keeps constant contact as though we are still "together" even while gone. Once he returns he is distant emotionally but wants hugs and is kind to me, but secretive.
When I read your interactions it very much sounds like ours, including the time line except this is our second round; which is much harsher than the first. It sounds like she may be a clinging boomerang type, like mine is. They don't want to let you go but don't want to commit either. The thing with MLC is they can be in multiple stages at one time and it makes it confusing to navigate. I can relate very much to your feelings. People say to detach and to not focus on them but it is hard when you can clearly see they need you and do want your attention. Also because they give you hope with politeness and appreciation it just feels like your being mean by doing 180 and detaching behaviour. If the desire is to keep family together, I have such a hard time with doing my own thing and not being concerned with my H. I just find the connection is important if they are keeping connected. Chasing after the connection when they clearly don't desire it; I can understand pulling back for them to come to you and to stay out of the drama. But, if they are present but in inner turmoil and not projecting it on you anymore, it makes it hard to be patient and detach. For me anyways.
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
You may think she is about to hit bottom....but they scrape the bottom for a very long time and when you think she's hit it, she will again float to the top. Bluesun is correct in saying that they can be in multiple stages at one time. It's definitely not a linear crisis. They are mourning their youth and just like people mourning the death of a loved one, it takes time and yes, they too, bounce through the stages of grief.
Dig deeper for patience. It takes a lot of time, energy and patience to walk this path.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No matter how hard they seem to fall or how hard they appear to have landed there is always more bottom to be found.
I never would have thought my ex would be still chasing after her dreams and his wallet over 3 years out having sacrificed her home, family, losing both her parents, losing her standing in the community etc etc.
She's even gotten the stereotypical tattoo. The little I hear about her indicates that she is an angry bitter woman despite her situation being completely the result of her own choices.
There's still farther she could fall though - there is always a door pointing down.
The real question is when they say "enough" and try to climb back out. Many never have the strength nor courage to do that. And many keep chasing after the phantoms of happiness.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks guys. The other night she declined an invitation to dinner and suggested I find some friends. So, had lunch with some coworkers and she asked me if one was female. I said yes and she became visibly angry. I find it comical.
I agree with the above input. I do feel like I care less and less as the weeks go by. I am in the prime of my life and have a timeframe of when I am throwing in the towel here. Sometimes it is too much to handle.
So went to dinner 2 nights in a row with kids. Last night was great. Tonight....not so much.
Background: W feels I never made her part of my work life. She also knows nurses have been giving me numbers and hitting on me (she has a friend at the hospital telling her this stuff).
Dinner was ok. She had IC today and I think they've been hitting hard topics. Then, who is at the booth behind us? It's the attractive nurse practitioner who was basically been hitting on me non stop for 2 weeks. She's there with 4 other nurses I know. I introduce then to the family and W seems upset.
Then bowling. Who's on lane next to us? 8 ER nurses celebrating a birthday. I hear in unison "Hi Dr. XXXXXX" W is visibly upset. Kids are upset because they aren't bowling strikes. W looks at me and says "I hate doing things as a family. I hate it and dont want to do it anymore"
I just say "ok, I'm sorry you had a bad day" I start to plead and day we can do things non competitive but back off.
In the car discussed plans for tomorrow. I remind her on going out with friends. She said "oh you found someone to hang out with you" I said "I have friends and don't have to find anyone"
In my experience my H likes to "test" me, a lot. Suggesting things to see what I will do, watching to see how I will react like he is checking to see if I still care or maybe determining how much control he still has over me. He often makes "suggestions" for me about taking up a hobby and things like that, but to be honest I think he is projecting his own thoughts about himself when he says that. Maybe your W is doing the same, when she says find some friends etc.
That's why its good to change it up and give an unexpected reaction at times, so they get caught off guard a bit and think. For myself I find it tough to keep playing the game. I too have days or even weeks where I feel fed up with the games. I guess the trouble is we are in our 40s + and dealing with someone who has the social skills and perspective of a teenager (and a toddler at times). We have matured and they are still in the process.
What gives me hope is that I went through my own crisis about 10 years ago when I was hit with a health issue that changed my life in every aspect (I am 43, H 48). I also watched my father go through a mlc when my grandpa passed away, my dad was in his early 30s at the time, 5 kids and a wife at home, a few years of being off and on gone and I have a half sister as a result. My parents worked things out and have a solid marriage, they celebrated their 50th anniversary a couple years ago.
I know there is possibility for things to repair because Ive seen it happen. My husband and I got through my MLC and Round one of his. We are on round 2 and 7 years in, thank goodness we had a break of 5 years limbo before he hit me again, though I saw it under the surface. My sister is presently in MLC and she completely left her family and has been gone for 2 years living a very horrible life in a abusive and awful relationship even living out of her vehicle but still wont come home and face the damage, completely abandoned her children and husband of 16 years; its truly amazing how low rock bottom can be. Ive also seen it work and seen it not work out but I think if you have a good marriage to begin with and you have hope, communication and patience there is always a chance on reconciling if you have forgiveness and see the crisis for what it is and don't take the horrible projections and actions personally. Just my thoughts.
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
Yea it hurts her to see you getting attention, but no regard for you when the OM is in the picture. That's the fun of MLC... whats good for them is not for us, unless of course they tell us it is and then we still aren't supposed to do it because they are testing us or using it to justify their poor behaviour. Mind games and mind games.
I can just imagine the feeling of every corner there being the nurses, one shot of it would have been a bit funny if it were me to be honest, but every turn in the evening I don't know for you but for me, I would've thought...seriously? Like Im trying to have a good time and keep the peace here....why.
Love the comment " I have friends and don't need to find anyone"
Im thinking it is her low self esteem and guilt beating her down, not you or anything you are doing. If she is bothered by the nurses then maybe she has been afraid of losing you to begin with, like maybe abandonment is a root issue for her. Maybe she knows she messed up and needs time to figure out what direction she wants to go in life in general.
I know for myself I had to accept things in my MLC; once I did the fog lifted fast, I accepted things and then felt it lift, the clarity was surreal. I remember it like this... One day I was a real Bee* to my H. I had this thing I would do where I would throw his blanket on the bedroom floor and say to myself how much I didnt want him to sleep with me and laugh to myself when he would come in and pick it up. Pretty childish tbh. This day he came in and saw it and was annoyed, he said Im starting to think this is on purpose and said he had it with me, and well...he meant it. When he left the room I laughed to myself but I also thought about it. He was genuinely angry and it was at that moment I realized maybe he would leave me. The next day I thought, alot.... I was looking out my bedroom window, sitting with my legs crossed on my bed. I was very obsessed during my crisis with my Papa who had passed when I was 4 years old, I would talk to him and sing to him nearly daily. While I sat there I talked to him, I sang him a song and said goodbye to him and told him how much I loved him and missed him. I thought about my health and accepted that things will be how they will and that I would be ok no matter what because I had a great support system and would always be ok, maybe not rich but always ok. I could feel myself almost as though I was a little girl, for a few minutes I actually felt like I did when I was very young, it was strange and then I felt the love I had for my husband in my hand...I took my hand and put it up to my chest, I literally felt the love fill inside me and I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. It was very strange and most people would think I was crazy to tell them this. But this is an experience I had in my own MLC.
Listen to the things she refers to , like work and stuff like that. There may be some meaning behind it, a fear or issue. People say don't do that because it will make you crazy but if your situation is like ours its a bit different than a spouse who is still in heavy replay with crazy in their eyes. If she is like I was she will realize things and remember her love for you once her acceptance comes. She is very lucky to have you being patient and understanding. If she doesn't realize it now, sooner or later she will. Hopefully for her and the future of your family she realizes your value and clears her mind before you give up and cave to attention from other women. Its very lonely being a LBS, being rejected, walking on egg shells and knowing you are wasting away while they brood or "run". Its exhausting really and we need attention and affection too. But, for me I don't want attention from others at the expense of my marriage if it can be repaired.
You are strong and patient. Just try to keep focused, it isnt an easy task. If you want your marriage intact once her Crisis is over try not to fall for temptation it will just make it harder to repair things after, its enough with their damage. My opinion anyway.
Watching the sky for the space shuttle return...relief, lights at last BD May/12 (37, H41- D18 D13 S11) July 2012 ILYBNILY reconcile oct/12 no AP 2nd BD Jan/18 start again Original AP
You nailed it. Her mom left her dad at age 3 and abandomnemt is her main issue. Her parents are good friends now and both single. She still wishes her parents would get back together. That's why she had hope we would be friends if we get D. I put a quick stop to that lone of thinking a couple of weeks ago.
After all this last night she came downstairs to say goodnight.
Tonight I'm going out with co workers. 3 guys and 5 females. I'm sure the W will be asking questions.
