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The other thing is to view this situation as a Valuable time /lesson in your life
Maybe not exactly what you wanted...but it needed to happen for whatever reason

It can become an extremely important time:

you get to re-discover yourself
you get to see the M..
the mistakes , the changes you would want in yourself if you had another chance

You get to look at your relationship with your kids, what you would change, whats important
your friendships and family

maybe there are some issues in yourself, that can be healed also-or changed
The way we take care of ourselves
our compassion expands ect…
our religious or spiritual views
much to learn here

Without the crises, we may not look within
we may not be aware of things even in other people that we need to see

It doesn't seem as such, but maybe a gift in some ways-

Usually the LBS gets to the other side with many new gifts, maybe a new view on life
and definitely happy again

Depending the the MLCer and if it is true MLC, some do not make the other side better than b4

more will be revealed later..
now is time for patience and inner healing and work

hang in there


married 14 years
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So since I informed her I would not be friends with her if we divorce, things have changed. I feel she respects me a bit more and she has NOT tried to throw daggers or start any arguments. Things are smooth.

I am trying some 180s to see how things go.

Last night she did not want me to light her cigar, but I did anyway. She did not pay much mind to it.
I got her an extra blanket because it is cold. She asked what it was for and I explained it to her. She gave a soft thanks.
This morning I asked her what kind of coffee she would like and said "I dont need you to make my coffee for me"
These are things she has never had a problem with before. She later texted and apologized for being rude but kids woke up early today and shes in a bad mood.

I will preface this with the fact I am still focusing on myself. I do wonder though, if she respects me more or if she has just given up. I do think if she has given up there would be MORE daggers, fights, etc... but nobody can understand the mindset here.

My big question is: are 180s attempted once or a few times over the course of days?

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There is no right or wrong way in dealing w/a MLCer. Each person has to experiment and figure out what works best for them. If something doesn't work now, it might later on. I would suggest that you not smother her with 180's. I would do a few every now and then and drop them for a bit.

Remember...you can't rush the process and you do need to give her plenty of space to figure things out. You do not want to look like a pursuer and making her feel pressure. If she says she doesn't want you to do something, then maybe you should "listen to her" and honor her wishes.

Keep the focus on you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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If she is really in MLC, you will continue to see crazy behavior and a lot of come closer, and push aways
mood swings and odd behavior

I don't think the MLCer gives up for long, because the issues run deep-
The crises usually takes a long time
some do return quickly but we rarely see that on this board-

if it is something besides MLC you may see someone shift back into the relationship
and perhaps work on things in a shorter time frame


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So the work banquet went well. One of the things she said was missing from the marriage was that I never made her part of my work life. Heck, it took me 1.5 years before any of my work friends could meet up due to our busy schedules.

She agreed to go as long as I didn't make any PDA, etc... I was completely hands off. Had a nice dinner with some co workers (even people who know our situation-which she was always afraid of). Then after we met up with some work friends for drinks and had a great time socializing, something we haven't done in a while.

Of course, meeting new people you have to discuss how we met, where we've lived, etc... One other wife had helped her husband through med school and residency, currently have busy schedules and little time for herself.... and my W realized she is not alone here.

At home we say outside and she let me light her cigarettes. Had some deep talks about life in general and family stuff. No future talk at all. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress and she said I looked very nice myself. I said we are a dead sexy couple and she giggled and said thanks. Night ended with her hugging me.

During the night I placed my hand on her upper back--no movement or push back from her. This morning I got a hug. I looked back at the times I would get some leeway and would come on too strong, pushing her back. I will try and do things slowly and stepwise here.

When doing 180s it would be either hot or cold (not mean though). So maybe the key is some small steps with physical affection while still finding time for myself and keeping some distance while together? I will see how this formula works.

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1 week and absolutely NO daggers thrown. I have given her plenty of opportunities too. I don't know whether to be scared (if she gave up) or happy (she realized I'm not a door mat anymore).

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Just go with the flow. Learn to accept her for who she is at the moment and no pressure.

Keep the focus on YOU!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Still taking care of myself. I have a wonderful work family who is giving me support.

With regards to the wife, we had plans to go out with friends fri night but friend is working. I made reservations for the 2 of us but she wants to go out as a family instead. Then she is going out with a friend sat night and asked me to watch kids. I said, no I'm going out with friends. She said "WHO are you going out with?!?!?!" and I said "friends"

This is something I would always have jumped at the opportunity to hang out with my kids but we are going out as a family fri night. Plus the kids love the baby sitter. We also have plans to go out thanksgiving and she said she may not be in the mood. I said I will take kids out myself. The old me would have sat around and felt sorry for her.

I'm not going to sit at home and wallow in her misery anymore.

Doing for myself feels great. I come home in an upbeat mood, have fun at work and am enjoying what I can.

Next up is Brazilian martial arts on thur.

Last edited by job; 11/13/18 06:40 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
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You are doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing, i.e., not wallowing in her misery. Go out, have fun and you do not have to tell her who you are going out with. Her curiosity will eventually get the best of her.

You handled this conversation very well. Keep up the good work, especially on yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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New development. Realtor suggested pulling house off the market in dec if no offers. That would be 4 months. Plan would then be to re list in late jan. I have thought to only do it if we dismiss the divorce and re file later if we need to. Otherwise we need to keep all options open. Dismissal was on the table until I discovered the EA was still intact (in late sept). It is over now. She pulled it due to distrust of me snooping (go figure). Is this a fair bargaining chip?

Fyi, divorce filed as fault for her infidelity, which she hates. Bonus is that I get big chunk of change back from unused retainer.

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