SJ6 - I appreciate the kind words and they do resonate with what I am looking at in the future. Yes it's hard, but I am just taking this time to go DIM and work on me. Funny how much they pursue when you distance - it really is a dance. I have not done anything in 2 days and she texted me 13 times yesterday and called (which i let go to VM and never called back) and 3 times today - might I add with pictures of her on both days. Just crazy stuff. Yes it's hard letting the kids go, but I know I get them back soon and that is what I look forward to. Just try to not think about the W and move on with my life. I know it will get harder soon enough and everyone's advice helps me prepare. Thanks again.
PT and Job - again thanks for the advice and I am trying to do exactly what you say. I don't look any farther than today and just take it one foot in front of the other. Looking any more forward than today gets the mind into the "what if's" and I just can't afford that emotionally right now.
11/9/18: So she stopped by the house to pick up the kids from the bus stop and I happened to be home, but I didn't know she was out side. She started texted me if she could use the bathroom - which I was so confused because I didn't realize she was outside the house, but she saw my car in the driveway. Eventually I realized she was outside and went out to get her and let her come in and use the bathroom. I started putting away the dishes and when she got out of the bathroom - she said "Thanks" and just walked out the door. Well I thought that was weird that she didn't even say anything else and didn't grab her mail on the counter. So after a few minutes I walked out to give her the mail.
She opened the window and I said why did you rush out? and she tells me that she didn't think I wanted to talk with her because my back was too her putting dishes away and I didn't say anything when she said "thanks." I told her, no biggie, but I wouldn't mind talking to her, that I didn't think she wanted to talk to me, because she just jetted. Anyways we talked about the week for a bit - her asking me how my week went (we hadn't talked really all week - DIM). Then she proceeds to compliment me on how good I smelled. Anyways, boys get off the bus and run up to me for giant hugs and kisses - I hadn't seen them in 5 days. As I was hugging them and talking to them I turned towards her and could see her eyes were all watery (don't know if it was guilt or she was happy seeing me with the boys or they don't get like that with her - who knows). So the boys get in the car and pop their heads out the back window and ask for kisses. So I give them kisses and here is where I totally muffed it - completely not thinking about it, I kiss my hand and put it on her cheek. I about had a heart attack after I did it, because it's the first time I have done anything affectionate like that and it was totally without thinking - like unconsciously did it. Well she didn't freak out - but leaned her head into my hand, closed her eyes and smiled. So I just said have a good night and she left. Was totally freaked, but I know we are going to make mistakes now and then. But I don't think it bothered her too much because she texted me about 10 times after that taking the kids to the haircut place and such. I just responded short to answer questions and that was that.
11/10/11: So I was talking to my boys this morning on the phone and my son's invites me over to my wife's place for dinner tonight. So I asked him if his mom knew he was inviting me and he told me "yes - she just asked me to ask you." So I finished up talking to him and asked to speak to his mom. I asked her if she was inviting me over for dinner tonight because our son just got done asking me. She told me "well if you have plans tonight I don't want you to break them." So I asked her again - do you want me to come for dinner and again she said not if you are going to break plans. I told her, "I wouldn't say yes if I didn't want to come", so she said okay I will see you at 6pm. Then she proceeds to tell me that the person she is renting the house from dropped off a 15 pound turkey for Thanksgiving, but she didn't know how her and the kids would eat it all. So I asked her, "well didn't you invite me to Thanksgiving last weekend?" and she says, "I wasn't sure if you really wanted to come spend it with me and you just said yes because the kids were there when I asked you." So again I told her I wouldn't say yes if I didn't want to. So she said okay.
So here's the dilemma - My same son that invited me told me the other day - "if mom invites you to do anything with her you have to say YES." When I asked him "but what if I have plans?", he told me "it doesn't matter - break them." I said why would you say that - that doesn't seem fair to whomever I had plans with. He tells me "because for the last several weeks, when you and mom are together, she laughs and smiles all the time and you guys just seem to have fun together." Wow - what do you say to that? Those 11 year old's are very observant I guess.
So with all that said - I told my wife I would come to dinner tonight - and I didn't really have plans except with my brother, so no big deal. Going to go with zero expectations and just have a good time with the kids and her and appreciate the time I get to spend with her. Again just a little scary that she has wanted me to do stuff with her the last two weeks now. It almost seems like she thinks I don't want to do anything with her - so maybe I am "DIMMING" pretty good right now - I back away and she dances towards. But I won't put pressure - that's why I already told her if she wants me to spend anytime together, she has to ask me. So we will see - wish me luck.
I'm glad you went. Hopefully everything went well.
If she asks you to do something, accept...unless you have other plans and I would advise her that you do. There is nothing wrong in being honest about other plans. She needs to understand that you are moving on w/your life and aren't sitting around waiting for her to call, text or invite you to do things w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it is great she is happy when she is with you and your son notices it
But also agree to keep up GAL and not waiting around for her invitations
Tricky part is the no expectations part
How was dinner
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Okay - sorry it took so long to post because I got the kids back today and was having fun with them. OA, Gordie and Job - thanks for the words.
So to answer the question it went really well. I went in with no expectations and told myself to be upbeat and have a great time with the kids if nothing else.
Got to her house and the boys let me in. She had been cooking dinner and was in the dining room doing a jigsaw puzzle with one of my boys. I said hi to all of them and then put some things in her fridge for the dinner. My other boy was a bit sick with a cold, so I gave him some meds and we sat down to start watching a movie. About ten minutes into it my other son comes out and says why don't you go see mom and work on the puzzle, so I agreed.
I went in and we just started talking and working on the puzzle together, but talked and laughed the whole time. She asked me to pour us some drinks and I did. About 30 minutes later I asked what I could help with for dinner and started getting the table set and such. We all sat down to eat and she asked which boy was going to pray (which she hasn't done in a while because the prayer always ends with "i wish mom and dad were back together with us as a family" ). Well of course it did and she told my son "good prayer" (kind of blew me away). We had dinner and all talked and then the boys went back to watching their movie. Since she cooked I offered to do the dishes and she dried and talked with me. The boys asked for ice cream, so I ran out and got them all some and came back. After that, she and I started on the puzzle again just talking about the holidays and family. I let her do most the talking and me the listening.
In the middle of us talking she tells me "you don't have to stay if you have other plans." and I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She said "I just don't want to keep you if you have something else to do. I mean you are probably bored just doing a puzzle with me." I told her I would like to stay if she wanted me too and she said she did. Now all this is really out there because my body language and mood gave off nothing but being comfortable and having a good time and we were laughing away for a lot of the night - so not sure why she said that. Then about 20 minutes later she starts telling me about someone she knows at work who was texting her about the divorce they are going through and how lonely they are that shes has moved out and he doesn't get to see the kids - see where this is going?? So she tells me that he screwed it up by sleeping with someone else and not telling his wife while they are getting divorced and she found out and he screwed up, blah blah..And she says "well I told him if you ever did that I guess I couldn't blame you since we are separated right now, but would hope you would tell me if we got back together" - or something to that effect. I didn't say a word! I couldn't tell if this was her way of saying she might do something or trying to gauge whether I was - especially with the wondering if I don't want to spend time with her and been doing my own thing and not answering many calls etc, DIMMING. Every part of me wanted to tell her I would never do that - I'm married first of all, and second of all, she is the only woman I want. BUT I DIDN'T. Just sat still, and kept listening. So she had to wonder why I didn't say anything I bet.
We talked a little about her upcoming cancer surgery which is this Tuesday - she had not told me until last night the exact day and I kind of pushed her because I am concerned - she has been afraid to share it with me because her greatest fear is that she wants me to be the one to lean on and doesn't think its right with her leaving. She started telling me some of the other people she works with are going to try and bring her dinners next week while she is recovering. I told her the boys and I would be happy to bring her a meal over - but only if she wanted us to. She said that might be nice on Wednesday or something - nothing concrete. Then she told me she was going to have to tutor on the side because she needed money. I didn't say anything except she was a great teacher and she would be good at it. I mean I feel bad, but she left me and separated or accounts, so that's on her. Anyways we put the boys to bed and I saw she had put a picture of all four of us from about 2 years ago in a frame by each of their bed sides. Another thing that blew me away.
After that we just had drinks and talked and did the puzzle and hung out. It was fun - we kept laughing. Eventually I told her I was going to have to stop drinking or I wouldn't be able to drive home and she made a comment about I would look funny sleeping on the little couch in the morning. So I figured it was best to leave. Told her thank you for inviting me it was a good time and I left.
11/11/18 - so this morning she calls me about my son still being pretty sick and he didn't want to go to church and wanted to know if I was okay with that. I told her sure if he wasn't feeling good. She asked if I wanted her to drop the boys off and I told her I had to run some errands and I would pick them up at 11am. Went and got the boys and she had all their stuff packed for me. As we were leaving the boys almost didn't give her a hug, and I told them to say goodbye. Then I just turned to her and told her if she was scared about the surgery and just wanted to talk - she could call. She said thanks and gave me a hug and I left.
When we got in the car, I asked the boys if they had a good time with mom and they said yes - but last night was the best when we were all hanging out together. I said really. Then they both told me their mom asked them at breakfast if they had a good time when i was over last night - and of course they said the same. Then the boys tell me "mom said she had a really good time with you too." I was like what?? Then the boys said mom told us - exact words "I had a really good time last night with your dad." Blown away. I had to double take and make sure they were making it up to do what younger kids do and make you feel good and they both said they swore that she bought it up and that's what she said. So that's the story - and now starts a new week with the kids and her going through surgery and then she starts radiation - I know she is going to be off for a couple weeks, so just going to play it day by day - but I will be there for her while she is going through this if she wants me to be - regardless of what is happening.
Just not real sure how to play it now - as I don't want to DIM this whole time, because I feel like it would be very uncaring considering the circumstances. I will make sure I text her at least on Tuesday and I will initiate it to wish her well and prayers for the surgery and then will wait to see if she asks me about bringing the kids and dinner on Wednesday. ANY SUGGESTIONS on how to handle this situation??
Stop second guessing yourself. You handled that like a pro. You dealt with the scared little kitten and didn't rush in to save the day. You gave her space, you validated, and you were not her fixer. Let her deal with her consequences, mirror her behavior, and keep the expectations out of it. Keep reading Gordie's thread. I see a lot of him in you.
I agree w/OneArt. You did a great job handling the situation. You are still second guessing yourself and maybe even over analyzing everything. Relax, go w/the flow and trust me, you will know if something works on not. Just treat her life a friend for now...that is what she is looking for.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I missed the part earlier that she has cancer. WHAT THE HECK?!!!! I can't believe she is doing this while undergoing cancer treatments!!!!! That is truly a jaw dropper.
I think you are doing really well. Amazingly. And as is generally the case here, I am thinking, "What woman would leave a guy like that?!!!" You are clearly a wonderful man and dad.
But as a cancer survivor I have to say I don't think you should be dim/dark in that context of her treatment. I think you should offer to take her to the hospital and you should check in with her twice a day at least, you should bring food over that she can just reheat -- and not only for her when she has the boys but just in general, if she can eat, have food in the fridge for her, etc. You should do what you would do with a close friend who had cancer.
She is going to feel like crap; how can she possibly take care of the boys when she feels sick from treatments? It's totally insane to go through a separation when you are going through treatment, it shows how desperate she is to fix the hole in her heart.
I don't know, I would not hold back from offering help in the cancer context, just make it the tone of a good friend without romance in it and continue with the no expectations and the listening. But I would be there big time, cancer is horrible and scary. My H totally abandoned me during my treatments, that was year two of MLC. It was painful beyond imagining to be alone through that and that wound I have only been able to heal a little via my faith. I know it's totally her fault that she is alone but I would just encourage you to stay true to your values on that and not rely on MLC strategizing in the context of cancer except to avoid romantic implications in your helping and to give space when she wants -- which is what you would do with a friend who had cancer anyway.
And in the context of vows, yes, no matter what happens later, I would want to be the one who came and cared for my spouse, even when he broke my heart and didn't deserve it. Looking back on this later, no matter what happens in the end, I think you will be glad that you did.
Last edited by Gerda; 11/12/1802:40 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda - I totally get where you are coming from. She said she wanted the divorce and filed paperwork about 15 days before she found out she had breast cancer. It is a 95% success rate for the type she has, but bottom line is she had already started proceedings before we knew. But even after all that she still moved out - only thing is she still has not served me papers and she filed about 70 days ago with her lawyer.
And I hate it going through things like this - I want to be there for her during this time - but it has to be on her conditions and I told her that. Like I said in the last post, her big fear is that she can't have me as her best friend and support because of what she did/doing, and so she doesn't want me involved because she says it's not fair to either of us. I told her I would be here for her - IF she CHOOSES me to be - I won;'t pressure her into it. But like I said, I still have offered to bring her dinner and to call me if she is scared and wants to talk. I told her I would be there for her. So that's why it's so hard - do I push being there regardless - even if she is to stubborn to ask for the care and help, or do I wait for her to ask. Ugghh!!. But your words help - I will push it without pushing the envelope - hopefully.
