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Also wanted to add that I was thinking back to the spewing and it's been at least 5 weeks I think since she has spewed anything bad at all. I mean I get the snide comments every now and then - you know the it's all about me and let's see if I can get a reaction, but nothing real horrible at all. Any ideas?? Do the low cycles really last that long? I also found out tonight that she hasn't been sleeping and is very tired. She told me she bought a box fan to help make noise to fall asleep and still has a rough time of it. An done last thing I forgot to add and I don't know where this plays into it, but my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month after BD. I know this adds to her feelings of being scared - since I am, even though the type she has is 95% curable. She has to have surgery in about 2 weeks and 4 weeks of radiation after that. Anyone know how much a major life issue like this will play into the MLC??

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Her diagnosis of breast cancer plays a role in her crisis. Even though she has a 90% curable rate, she is scared and most likely is running from it and yes, wants that one last shot at happiness and do the things that she always wanted to do, but couldn't. Be supportive and don't smother her. If she asks you to help her, I know you will...

She's got a lot on her plate, depression and her upcoming surgery, also her acting out towards you. When some people are in depression, they not be able to sleep and others can sleep all of the time. Also, if she's in crisis, there are times that they can't sleep because they can't shut their brains off. The demons come out to play when it's very quiet and they rumble in her brain all night long. Again, her upcoming surgery could also be creating some sleep issues...but time will tell.

For now...listen, validate and above all else, be supportive. Also, I know you are worried, but you've got to find a way not to over analyze her every move and comment. It's going to drive you nuts. Try to keep the focus on you and give her the space and time she needs.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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KeepFig Offline OP
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Well was a tough day today - first one where I had to give the kids up for the week since we are spliting them 50/50 every other week.

I took the boys to church and packed their stuff into the car. Never heard from her, but figured she would show up and she did. She sat with us at church and it went well. Even though she sat on the other side of the boys, which I was expecting, she called me over to her half way through to talk to me. Anyways, after church I loaded the boys stuff in her car and she invited me to go to lunch with her and the kids. Had a good lunch and she sat next to me. She definitely made a sneaky effort to physically touch up against me multiple times - like she was testing me to see if it bothered me - even going so far to ask if it was bothering me that her legs kept rubbing up against mine. I told her it was fine and acted like it was no big deal - i kept the emotions under control. When we left the boys were sad and hugged me and told me they would see me next Sunday and said goodbye. She didn't say anything, just kind of turned and so I didn't say goodbye to her either. So I have seen this pattern of running though - everytime she gets close to me and seems
like she is enjoying herself, she bolts at the end like she's telling herself you can't feel this way with him - weird.

Well did lots of stuff around the house this afternoon to stay busy and that helped. Just not sure how much I can do to keep myself busy this week - can only clean so much. Good news is I have to travel 2 days this week for work, so that will help. Wish me luck and I will post again later in the week - I'm sure I will need to journal to let some emotions out. Everyone take care.

Last edited by job; 11/05/18 02:50 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
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KF

You are doing great

She may have many games and confusing signals to navigate through
Keep expectations at 0
they are confused and torn with their choices-
they give up a lot to pursue a fantasy life
as you read if it is true MLC, their fantasy new life rarely to mostly NEVER seems to work for them

instead do exactly as you did...be kind, validating and let go

do your own thing
time will show you the direction she takes as well as your new direction
the old M is over
start with friendship.
.you do your part to be a good friend-then let go

find new activities friends hobbies ect..
let her see a positive, active , busy social-you-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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KeepFig Offline OP
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PT - thank you. Anyone think that this is like "cake eating" with the physical touch and "tests" as I like to say, or could this be a way she is trying to reconnect and see if I am "safe" in some way? Like PT mentioned, if she is trying to be friends right now and playing games, I don't want to throw a boundry in there that shuts that down. Hard to differentiate between what could be "cake eating" and some type of reconnection even if it's small.

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I don't see this as cake eating. What she is doing is temperature checking to see if you will still react to her actions. They do things like this to see if we are still there, right where they left us. It's typical behavior while in crisis.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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KeepFig Offline OP
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Job - thanks again. Got another question for you and PT, because I want to make sure I am making the best decisions:

So when she temperature checks - is it okay if she does that as long as I keep my emotions in check? Like if she hugs, or says nice things, or tries physical touches - as long as I never initiate it and am just kind and validate, but come off as no big deal - is that okay? Or do I just avoid it or tell her I am uncomfortable with it? I feel like its such a fine line. Believe me I don't do any pressuring anymore for the last 6 weeks or so - every call, text, spend time, has to come from her and I do wait unless it directly involves the kids. So as long as I do nothing that seems to be pressure - can I let her temp check and see that I am not exactly buying into what shes selling - I'm nice like a good friend. Thank you all.

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Im not sure about the best reaction
Job will know more

You many have to play with it..
To see what works to bring her closer and keeps her comfortably engaged without initiating anything

If someone hugged me,.I would hug back
If she touches, smile
If she compliments,.I would say thanks
I would not initiate any closeness
but I would compliment her if she does anything that deserves a compliment or thank her if she does something nice?
without overdo
like a new friendship-that's it
be authentic where its appropriate for a MLC


One think I can recommend is getting your energy right around this situation
This is something you can practice in your mind and it will help you heal
for instance; If you think of her send her good thoughts and let go..over and over and over

If you believe in God..
Give him control on this situation
use this time to change you-
work on acceptance
listen to upbeat seminars, Tony Robbins, Joel Olsteen Les brown
all free on utube
apply the principles of DB as well as all these seminars if you can-
practice-practice letting go-read on detachment

Then become the H, a good friend, the person you want to be
take this time to find yourself
connect with kids
watch any shared accounts and credit cards

take up a new sport or hobby
make new friends

you don't have to be transparent with her
you are free to create a new life while you explore any possibilities of reconciliation
let her wonder a little
after all- she moved out-

MLC takes a long time-sometimes 2-7 years or longer
If she does return --of course most of us would have gone that route
But if she does not, this time gives you tiem to recalibrate and create new


Not dating but just friends, activities healing seeking within ect…
let her see a change
a happier, posiitve new you-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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PeaceToday has given you excellent advice. You will need to experiment for a bit to see what works. Here's the fine line...if you do not accept her hugs, etc., she may view it as punishment for her expressing her feelings. After all, her feelings are hers to own at this time.

You can't go wrong in saying thank you when she does something around the home or for you. If she hugs you, there is no harm in responding to the hug. However, this is her dance and you can follow her lead. Do not initiate closeness...allow her to feel safe enough to come to you.

It is possible for MLC to last longer than 7 years, so you will need to buckle up for a bumpy ride for quite some time. Find things to keep your mind active. Any changes that you make are for yourself and you need to be happy w/them. Those changes will need to become a permanent part of your life and not just to win her back.

Hang in there...it's a marathon, not a sprint.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey there fig.

I don't think I have posted to you, but I've been keeping up with your sitch. I can relate to you and what you are going through. I guess we can all say that to some degree, but some of our situations are a little more closely related than others.

About 5 months ago my W moved out after a year and a half of live in MLC. Having to give up your kids for 50% of the time is hard. I used to have 50% of the responsibility 100% of the time. Now I have 100% responsibility 50% of the time. I miss my kids in the off week something fierce, but also feel conflicted when is time for them to go back to Ws because at that point I need a break. I hate needing that break and I hate losing my kids for a week. The struggle is real.

And temp checking with your W, those things can be hard. I've read so many scenarios on here with people doing one thing or another. What I have learned from my experiences is that a lot of it doesn't really matter. In the beginning, my W was still attached emotionally and conflicted with the things she was doing. During that time, we kept up a lot of pretenses. I needed them, and I think she was doing what she was used to doing. Like, hugging when leaving. Making me a cup of coffee when she made herself one. Kissing me when she left. I saw these as signs, but at least in my case I think it was more like habit for her. As she drifted further in to the MLC tunnel, a lot of that stuff stopped (at least for us). It was hard on me when the little niceties that we did for eachother stopped. But, I also realize that everyone told me it would get worse before it got better. Knowing that didn't really make it easier to experience, but it did give me a frame of reference as to what was happening.

I think a lot of these things will change for you as you move further along your journey and her on hers. Just remember through all of this that YOU did not cause this so as things progress in whatever fashion they do, that ALSO is not your fault. No one decision that you make is going to break this situation for you. Just work on being the best you can be for yourself and try and take your focus off of her for a bit. That is very hard to do, but it will need to happen.

I wish you the best in all this. You are in a good place with a great group of people that have been through all this and can offer you the best advice you can possibly hope to receive. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad that you are!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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