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It hurts when they say and do things that are out of the ordinary for them. However, the way she feels right now are her feelings to own. They tend to say the words "they have to leave" because they feel smothered and think that they will die if they stay. That is the depression talking.

Once she is gone, make the place your own, i.e., move furniture around, change up the pictures on the walls, paint/remodel, etc. The holidays are coming, make they extra special for you and the kids and it's also a good time to make new memories.

I'm glad you are allowing her to come over for Halloween, but you are right, it's time to set boundaries about coming into your space once she's gone. Set up a visitation schedule from the beginning and see how it goes. You can always tweak it if it doesn't work out for you.

Hang in there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sounds like a good plan to go dim
In the beginning many will come by a lot...to see the kids, house dogs and LBS

they are going into a new lifestyle much different than the M life with kids- they are used to

so they cling a bit..my XH cam over a lot -they also want the security to know they have a plan B


Is she leaving the kids with you or sharing 50/50


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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KeepFig

You have a good plan going dim. Give her space and time, she needs both and lots of each.

She is probably going to appear and behave confused over the next little while until she fully enters the tunnel and starts running. She will say and do things and cause lots of stress. Try to relax and just breath. You will get through this.

As much as possible I would keep your expectations at zero. It is a bit of a strange concept at first - expect nothing and anything - just don’t focus on it. Focus on you and your boys.

I like the idea of having her over for Halloween - for the boys. She may be on time, or late. She may be angry, happy, sad, who knows. Try not expect the evening to go the way you planned it. Just go with the flow and make slight course corrrections if needed - for example getting out on time for kids to go trick or treating.

I know you are thinking about what you said during that vulnerable moment, maybe even beating yourself up a bit. DON’T!

No one thing you say will make or break this MLC.

It is a difficult idea in the beginning - nothing you say or do will affect her, and everything you say or do will affect her. It is paradoxical, and true.

So, be the best version of you possible. Look after yourself and your kids, and be the best you will be. Do it for you. Focus on that.

Best of luck KF.

I am thinking about you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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KeepFig Offline OP
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Kids are going to be split 50/50. Every other week

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DnJ
Thanks so much. Nice hearing from others in the same boat. Helps me keep my sanity.

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Kf,

Not much I can say but..

You found an amazing place to vent.
Go to divorce groups and they also have dg4k
Your kids will also need support.

Remember about you amd and kids.
Is going be hard but we LBS must do.

I remember finding my d10 journal and d10
Blamed herself
If I was smarter
If I didn't talk back to mom
If I got better grades, btw my d is straight A..

I knew my trio's where hurting I then realized
Time to put my super hero cape on and not taken off
I shifted to US not just me. We started GALWK, get a life with kids
This help Us me seeing them smile was my best medication I needed
And don't get me wrong I still have my moments but I have some amazing
People here. To many to name but them simply writing to me helps me so much.

I hope they all know that.

So you are in a safe place to vent and speak your mind, your anger your sadness
We are here.

But best advice be that DAD, W will regret of losing.
It sounds crazy but I am a woman and everyone in school knows me as
The lesbian, single hot mom and W was a fool to leave me.

I have had other moms ask me to dinner with all kids
I was never this involved in my kids life I was so involved in Work,
Making money, New car New clothes, My trio's having it all.
And we still ended like this.

The best feeling you will get when your kids will look at you and say.

Mom/dad you where fun but now you a better Mom/dad I love this new person.
I get butterflies in my stomach hearing them.

Is hard now easier said then done but you will get through and get there.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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Thanks M7

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Well she moved out yesterday. I called her to see if she was done so I could come home. I knew it would be too hard to watch it. We were supposed to take the kids together to the haunted hayride that night but I just couldn't do it knowing she left. Told her we could do it next weekend if she still wanted - she did invite me which was weird (first time really she has asked me to do something with her and the boys). Anyways I was kind of short on the phone.

When I got home, I was a mess. To walk in and see sofa and dining room set gone - no beds or any furniture in their rooms anymore - it hurt bad, but I mustered with my brother and moved a futon to one room and the old guest bed to the other, so they would have a place to sleep - especially since they are spending the week with me starting today. I texted her that I was disappointed she took the dining room set since she said she was going to leave it and she started texted me back I told her she could take it - which I never did, but seems like she forgets a lot of things lately (probably classic MLC - i remember after not too long after BD she completely rewrote our marriage saying how awful it was for so long, etc, etc. And then like 6 weeks ago she was talking about how good most our marriage was and she didn't regret any of it except the last year we were like roomates. When I challenged her on what she said before, she told me she never said any such thing - and I was like when the one you love says something like that which cuts so deep - you don't forget). Anyways I texted her back it didn't matter and she started texting me asking why I hated her so much. I told her I didn't and she kept texting me when I wouldn't reply asking why I was so short and what was wrong. What's wrong?? You just walked out of my life - are you kidding me. I didn't write that obviously but told her "I was fine - just hit me harder than I anticipated" She told me it was hard on her too, but she understood. Well with all the moving she forgot to take pants for the boys and wanted to come back in the morning before church to get them pants.

Now it gets better - she calls me this morning to tell me she is coming and starts off with she doesn't have hot water in her new place so she is running late and won't have time to get boys to church and if I was going. I just couldn't go to church with them today - too hard, so I told her no. She asked if she could still come by and get some stuff because she left some stuff here. She got all upset when I told her I put the majority of it in the garage. Then she started to ask me if she could take the boys to hockey on Thursday since I normally don't get home until they have to be there at 6:00 and I told her I already made arrangements with someone to get them there and I will meet them (my brother), and then she started to cry - I told her I would see her later.

When she got here she was very cold and I could see her starting to cry as she was loading her car with more stuff from the garage. I asked her why the tears and she told me that she would never use the kids against me. I was like I am not using them against you. This is what YOU wanted. The kids and I didn't want you to run out on us. You told me we had our own weeks and now your upset that you don't get to see the kids on my week??? Told her sorry but this was her doing not mine. She then went on about how I could come over and see them whenever if it was her week and she wouldn't do that - my guess is this was so she could see them whenever she wants - But AM I WRONG here in keeping them when its my time? She wants no responsibility or consequences for her actions - like she can leave and still get to see the kids and the dogs whenever she wants when I am not around. I told her if she wanted to come to the house she would have to notify me and schedule it first - I feel like this is one of the only boundaries I can control right now. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but that's how it was going to go. Then she said she knew I was hurt but that she wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose - okay that makes me feel better! Then she hugged me and cried and left.

So then I had to drop the kids off anyways to her new place for 3 hours to go to an engagement I could not get out of. I brought over extra clothes for the boys and when I was unloading the car and giving the clothes to the boys to bring inside she came out and I had one extra load. She said aren't you coming inside. I said NO. Seriously - I don't want to see our stuff in your new house or where you will probably bringing in new relationships (as MLCs do). I just didn't want the visual. She got a bit offended I think. I told her to drop the kids back off at 6:00 and I would be there shortly after. Anyways I went inside and was typing in my gps and she came back out and knocked on my window. I put it down and she proceeded to give me a box of cookies for the boys because she "doesn't want them to go bad". I told her - aren't you bringing the boys back to the house in an hour to get their costumes for the church trick or treat and she said yes - and I was like well why would I put them in my hot car for three hours when you could just drop them at the house?? She agreed - so was that a trying to validate and see if I was angry with her by coming back out of the house to talk to me???

Well tough night. First one just me and the boys with her gone. And it irks me to no end that she knows the boys go to bed at 9:00 and never calls them to say goodnight. When I am gone I always make sure I call. Instead - sometimes she texts them "i love you more than the world" but always 15-20 minutes after their bed time, so they never see it. And they are definitely hurting. Both prayed with me tonight out loud and all they wanted was for God to bring mom back to dad again. It crushes me - I don't even know what to say except we are all trying are best and that she loves them and so do I and its not their fault. And they always tell me "we know you still love mom too" and I tell them I do. I just pray to God to please answer my children's prayers even if he can't hear mine.

It's going to be a long haul folks. I just hope I am strong enough. Especially since I still haven't gotten divorce papers and thought she would definitely give them too me when she moved out. She filed the papers with her lawyer 60 days ago, and still nothing. She brings it up every now and then, but not lately in the last 4 weeks. Which is even harder because I am not sure what's going on. Early on she said she didn't want to separate and get it done as fast as possible because she is "superstitious" - which she isn't at all and that she wanted to start 2019 as a new person. But since filing I have heard about it less and less. She is Irish Catholic with parents married 45 years until her father passed 7 years ago - her family doesn't believe in divorce and I know she never did. And her mom is dead set against it - she has been saying since day one to separate for a while and see how that goes - so I don't know. I have tried to keep from talking to her family at all, but I do know she doesn't get along with her mom at all (she is classic critical and non validating of her daughter her whole life) but they have been talking at least once a week and my W said the other day I hope my mom's check comes soon because I am running out of money. So I am wondering if mom is giving her money to be on her own for a while with the caveat of separating - but I just don't know.

So I wait and I try and go DIM. Still have to see her for Halloween on Wednesday, and then probably going on the haunted hayride with her on Friday. So still going to see her twice this week. But in the meantime, no initiating texts or calls and only responding after ample time goes by. We shall see and wish me luck folks.

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Good Morning, and (((KeepFig)))

My heart hurts for what you and your kids are going through.

You made it through that first quiet night of her being out of the house. I am glad your brother is coming to stay with you for a week, that will help.

I can see that you are working on understanding this MLC nightmare, and I believe you are making great strides in that area. Understanding and living it are two different things, I think you are strong enough for both. It will be so hard, I won’t lie, very hard, continue to be strong.

You know that you need to go dim, for you and her. I do agree with sticking to the schedule regarding the children. Do not give in, she is baiting you into a fight. Just keep to the schedule and put the kids first. Of course the odd time schedules can be bend, but do not allow “you can come over anytime during my week”. That is not punishment, you dear KF need the space to heal.

All of us here have gone through something similar to what you are experiencing. I would not wish this on anyone. Please take care of yourself and your children.

I, and so many others, will be here for you. Share your successes, your pains, your confusion. Ask any questions, vent, anything you like. From my experience, this place has people who know what you are, and will be, going through, an invaluable resource.

There is much to pass along, but one can only take so much at one time, and I am running late again. smile

Go dim, focus on and protect you and kids, be easy on yourself, and just breathe. You will get there, you have time, don’t worry or rush.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ has given you excellent advice. Now, it is time to go dim. Do not be so quick in responding to her texts/emails. She doesn't need to see that you are sitting there waiting for them. She needs to realize that life goes on and you are busy doing other things.

As for the schedule for the children...stick to it. Do not waffle because she will then see that she can do whatever she wants. She needs to learn that schedules are to be kept and that this is the way it will be if and when a divorce may take place. You are not punishing her by sticking to the schedule.

I think you did quite well last evening and I am also glad your brother is going to stay for a while. You need the support and it's nice having someone there until you can adjust to your family not being there.

You are going to discover that your journey is very difficult, but you can accomplish so much as you walk the path. Do not fall for her "poor me" approach. She will become very good at pulling that card out and when she discovers that she can't use it, she'll become cold and angry. Don't take her bait. She will be looking for ways to bait you into arguments to justify, in her mind, why she had to leave.

Try to remember...she's not the person you knew and loved at the moment because she's the exact opposite (mirror image). Keep your expectations at zero because she will be forgetful, rewrite history and tell some tall tales.

For now, like DnJ posted, be easy on yourself, keep the focus on you and your kids, watch your bank and credit accounts and remember to breathe. There is no need to put a timeline on your healing as it will develop as you walk the path.

We are here for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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