ok folks - been reading the threads here for about 6 weeks and decided to post.
Here is the background:
Been together with the W for 17 years. Married for 14 with twin 11 year old boys. Had a great marriage and did'nt realize anything was amiss except as I look back we started to become roommates over the last year. Me travelling about 9-12 days out of town a month and kids in all types of after school stuff. So even when I was home we were passing each other. Anyways I digress - started out that she came crying one day and told me she couldn't keep going on and we needed to find us again. For 2 weeks we had an awesome time making time for us without always being with kids. After two weeks she freaked out one day and told me 2 magical weeks did not make up for the last year. Next day she took off her wedding ring. 2 days later came BD (3 months ago now) of EA and kiss of someone she was talking about our marriage problems with (had no idea). She broke it off and 5 days later wanted divorce.
So the spewing starts and the rewriting of our marriage history - ILYBNILWY bomb as well. Took me about a month of believing I was not a good husband until I realized this was not the girl I spent the last 17 years with. Started digging and learned about MLC and been doing everything possible to read up on it.
So here I am today - W was cycling a lot between "monster" and her, but in the last 4 weeks she has stopped talking about divorce. She has started crying a bit more and telling me that she feels like something is inside her she can't pin down that is eating her up. Has started to talk more positive about our old marriage and telling me she wants to be happy with me again, but she just can't find those feelings right now.
So she is moving out in 7 days - got a place of her own she is renting and taking some stuff. Feels very guilty about taking much of anything. We have been in separate rooms for 3 months, but since last Saturday (4 days now) she has slept next to me in our bed. Not a cuddle but in the same bed. Which is blowing me away because 2 months ago was" I cant be in same room with you, I don't want you to touch me, etc, etc"
So my question is why the big shift in behavior lately and the crying and the sleeping in our bed 5 days before she is moving out?? Feel like she has been in a low cycle MLC mood for a while now - i mean "monster" still pops out but for much shorter of a time. Seems like she is looking for lots of validation that I still want and love her too - which I am trying to give her when its appropriate - no clinging or begging for 2 months now - still do lots of "DIM" work since we have been at home together.
And next question is so how do I work this when she moves out? We will be exchanging the kiddos every other week so I am going to have to contact her, but I need to stay relatively "DIM".
Looking for suggestions and sorry if this is to much info.
Last edited by job; 10/24/1810:10 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
There are many kind and compassionate people here with much hard earned wisdom who can offer much guidance and support.
So why the big shift in her behaviour. The confusion from her of now sleeping in same bed, but two months ago can’t be in same room and don’t touch me, are signs of how mixed up she is. In MLC her emotional state is a wreck and cranked to 11, she will jump back and forth until she most likely runs in an effort to “find her happiness”.
As for why. Well that is the difficult part. Hard for us to know why they do what they do, when they don’t even know. Perhaps guilt, saying goodbye, old feelings surfacing, it is hard to tell. My own W cuddled next to me all afternoon playing cards with the family before, hours later, she blew up her’s and everyone’s lives at supper.
As for how do I work this when she moves out. You focus on you and your children. Nothing you say or do will have much effect on W’s journey - I noticed that you are not begging or pleading, good for you. Be kind and compassionate, speaking to her civilly especially in front of the children.
She has a long road to journey, and so do you and your kids. Look after and protect what you can, you and your children. You are the sane and stable parent now, it helps to keep that in mind when wondering how do I work this out.
KF, you are looking for understanding and I believe that is a good thing. Start to turn your focus on to what you need to.
Post often, ask any questions you like, vent, journal, whatever - we are here for you. And don’t worry about too much info, you have quite a ways to go before you reach that level.
Stay strong. Keep focused.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
In the moments where she spews and cannot stand you
She really feels that anger
In the moments she is nice and wants to sleep in your bed
She really feels that she wants to be closer to you
Some compare it to a teenager
Others compare it to a mental illness
My experience is that the MLC spouse really has some issues to work out
They often have nothing to do with the LBS
But you are the closest to the MLC spouse
So you get the most collateral damage
And what to do when she moves out
Detach and focus on herself and your kids
She is going to do what she is going to do
She may not move out
She may move out forever
She may move out and come back
That is why they say one day at a time
None of us know the future
So do take care of yourself
Physically mentally emotionally socially
Follow your conscience
Talk to a DB coach
Talk to a friend who has been through something similar
Get the support you need
You have already been through a lot
And it may get worse before it gets better
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
KeepFig, what Gordie and DnJ said are so true, the feelings and emotions of our Midlife spouses are shifting so quick, they are quick enough to confuse the left behind spouses. Right now, what you could do is try to calm down (which is pretty hard) and focus on you and the children. You may still love her but please from distance. You may be friendly but please set the boundaries. Please also learn that this whole process takes 'time'. It will be longer than we expected but you will survive. Do come to the forum when you have questions, there are great people here who could help with the midlife crisis issues. Please take care !!!
I have a DB coach and he helped me understand by explaining that my H had fallen into the white water rapids. That he was being tossed around and turned upside down. I was still in the boat and couldn't help him or I would too end up submerged in the rapids. BUT I kept looking over the side and insisting that he answered my questions about whether he wanted chicken or beef for his tea.
This is what it apparently feels like to be in an MLC. They cannot answer your questions or act like you want them to and when they can't even make those simple decisions it can be very humiliating. Humiliation never saved a marriage.
So you can choose to jump off the boat and perish yourself or sit steady and safe in your boat and hope that she finds a way to save herself and climb into your boat.
How difficult is it to keep your boat steady? Very! But it is the only way. You will be saved and she may be saved also.
Separation is difficult for it's own reasons but believe me that you could do it all wrong and still pursue even from a different location. It's just geography. It doesn't matter where she lives because SHE has to find a way out of her rapids. So, I see it as an advantage and it helps me remain distant and pleasant when there has to be contact. I personally, would find that very difficult if he was still here. Enjoy your peace and calm away from Ws turmoil. It is hers to own and sort out.
I agree with the others. . The MLCer is confused.. They want their freedom.. They want to have fun They may be conflicted they still love us too But the pull to play is great..they cant fight it They give up adult responsibilities to have fun I think they give up a lot Some give up their kids too Some spend money beyond their means They may hook up with younger friends, new clothes, new cars, jobs,tattoos, hair changes, gym ect.. Some turn to affair partners, drugs, alcohol or any other addictions to ease their pain The W you know is no longer in control.. The MLCer is in control and you will see glimpses of both people in her.
Usually they don't want help-Some will go to therapy and usually they stop or don't do the needed inner work to heal Most MLCers go through the tunnel into replay(fun and freedom)
This leads them to more pain but there is nothing we can do to help except be the strong rock -wait and watch Be there and support and validate when appropriate be the adult parent the kids need and do our individual inner work to heal ourselves
You wont know what she chooses now- some will return Some will not But It is not the fault of the LBS.. many of them have unresolved childhood issues that need to be addressed to heal. but most wont do this work because it is painful
keep posting and take care of you Lots of good information is here to learn about MLC
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I appreciate all the feedback folks. It does help to hear others. Tough day today. She is moving the last of the furniture she's taking. I couldn't be there to see it. She will be gone tomorrow. Told me last night again that she loved me but just couldn't find the feelings she used to have. Said she's sad to leave but feels she has too. She needs time for herself . Told the kids she was sad but it wwasnt forever. I told her I didn't think she would come back once she left. I know I shouldn't have said that but was vulnerable in the moment. Wants to come to the house on Halloween to take the kids with me. Going to let her for the boys. She still thinks she is going to come by and see the dogs and kids on my weeks before I get home. I told her she would have to schedule anything like that with me first. It made her very sad but it's boundary I have to set. Going to stop all calls or texts and try and go dim for the next several weeks. Wish me luck
