just got back from a short 6 mile hike with dogs. was supposed to go to a big one today, which would be out of town, had some drinks with friends last night woke up with a headache. D14 is out with her best friend and spending the night. WW texted and asking me if i’m still going out of town, haven’t replied yet. I’ve asked her couple of days ago if she could watch over D14 and the dogs, she said it’ll be ok. But now all plans have changed. don’t want to aggravate her, should i just reply “ no. am not” or should i tell her the whole spiel. trying not appear like an a-hole.
update, saw my IC today, cam to th conclusion that I need to share my schedule with WW. give her some responsibilities and effort to. co -parent. sent her this message ... opinions?
WW, went hiking with the dogs at little granite mountain, sat down and contemplated. As it dawned on me and things have slowed down, this is our new norm. And my thoughts always circle around on how to help adjust to this or even try to define to D14 what is “normal” with her family now. as i was wallowing in my own thoughts, i’ve realized that my actions towards trying so hard to protect D14 and not sharing my schedule, is based on my emotions, pride, anger and spite. I have come to the conclusion and realization that we now have separate lives. I would like to think that imin a better place now but i need to move on to figure out how to make it work for D14..
she doesn’t have anybody but a parent for now. she needs parents, not just a parent. And I know I can’t be there every minute, every situation and everything a teenager child goes through. For now, you and I have to live with the fact that she will not make this easy. Asking her to forgive and forget is never going to happen within our set time. It will be on her time as to when, I can’t answer that, she is 14 and can be as stubborn as us. But action speaks louder than words. We do what we need to do to earn her respect and like it or not, it will not be so easy. But there are more pressing things that I have to plan for her. Not only that I have to continue providing her needs, I also know that I have to think about situations if I am sick or unavailable to meet her needs. She will still need you to step up.
One of us have to be with her at home specially by 7pm. Provide dinner if she has not done so. If she does not respond to you, just have something for her. If you can’t, I need you to let me know ahead of time so I can figure something out. D14 does not warm up to the idea that she has to be “propped” up with friends. She developed a deep feeling of shame and embarrassment about the situation. Not even when those friends does not know the whole story or the truth. We can’t blame her for that. She will be alright by herself at home.
Time, finances, medical, education, and emotional support - that is something you and I need to work on together for her. I will not ask anymore from you other than make her “the priority”. And I know that I need your help on that.
and not that you would care, the only people that know about our situation are the same people you have spoken to. i haven’t even told my side of the family. my brothers loved and treated you more than our real sister and they would be devastated. i still and will still respect you as a person.
just borrowing this from burned and posting it here.
a simple reminder of WW mindset.
Originally Posted by burned
I was just thinking about this because my WW wasn't always a selfish person. If anything she was NOT selfish enough. She had NGS toward me! (G=girl)
What I know about my WW, though, is the shame and the guilt stuff she has been dealing with her whole life plays a role. Some people feel so poorly about themselves that they seek external validation. When I stopped being her source of validation, she turned elsewhere. It was a survival thing. Funny, because AFTER BD it was all about me being the "desperate" and "clingy" person.
Then there's the guilt. I think THIS matters a lot. Rationalization, AFTER the fact.
WW self-talk: "Oops, I had an A. Oh no, this means I'm a terrible person! Oh NO, how will I ever live with myself? Wait a minute, if I had an A, it means that something was wrong. Yeah! My H wasn't a good H. That's probably why. If he was a good H I would have been happy with him and then not had the A. Whew, glad there was an explanation, otherwise I might have been unable to go on. OK, so that's what I'm going to tell people. Then they won't hate me as much as I hate myself. Oh, and I might as well tell myself the same thing, because then I won't hate myself, either. Oh and get rid of H because who wants to be reminded of that nonsense? He wasn't a good H, AND he thinks he can fix it, AND then people will think he's better than me, AND just seeing him reminds me of the horrible thing I did."
Hey Toenail, just saw this that you posted in another thread and figured I would bring it here to yours to reply to it:
Originally Posted by toenail
^^^ sorry to hijack your thread EZ, but for AS this is where i get lost. As much as I would love D14 to spend time with WW, D14 vehemently refuses and i have to respect her feelings. Do i force her? Do i consequence her if she doesn’t want to? With regards to WW, her reply would just be, “ I know she can never forgive me, and i just have to live with that”. So WW will just wait for time until D14’s anger is resolved? is that how i see it?. Right in front of D14’s IC she firmly said, “I don’t want anything to do with my mother!” Really lost on this.
My apologies again, EZ.
Don't force her to spend time with W if she doesn't want to. It sounds like you have D14 seeing an IC, which is great. This is exactly what IC is for. You might discuss this issue with the C (without your D) and let him/ her explore it with D14 sometime without you or W present. It sounds like your D is having trouble processing her grief and is falling back on hating your W instead of working through it. The IC should be able to help with that.
Long time no update toenail, what's been going on?
Also, any vets care to comment on this quote, I thought it was great but I don't know everything either:
Originally Posted by burned
WW self-talk: "Oops, I had an A. Oh no, this means I'm a terrible person! Oh NO, how will I ever live with myself? Wait a minute, if I had an A, it means that something was wrong. Yeah! My H wasn't a good H. That's probably why. If he was a good H I would have been happy with him and then not had the A. Whew, glad there was an explanation, otherwise I might have been unable to go on. OK, so that's what I'm going to tell people. Then they won't hate me as much as I hate myself. Oh, and I might as well tell myself the same thing, because then I won't hate myself, either. Oh and get rid of H because who wants to be reminded of that nonsense? He wasn't a good H, AND he thinks he can fix it, AND then people will think he's better than me, AND just seeing him reminds me of the horrible thing I did."
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
hey ovr, thanks for the concern. just been busy lately with GAL and of course focusing with D14.
first and foremost, WW has stopped going into T with D14. WW thinks progress isn’t going to happen (i guess she’s srill the same person, if it doesn’t go her way, she walks away). secondly, she finally decided to get an L, i got a phone call from him yesterday and he wants me to sit down with them and discuss the terms with regards to the D.
i have already expressed my terms with WW. i want full custody of D14, sign a waiver that D14 will be the 100% beneficiary of my 403(b), (she’s contemplating on going to med school) and split debts in half, and of course child support for D14.
WWhas stopped paying half of the mortgage, which is kind of a burden now. she used to write checks for the bills, and the mortgage. but she decided that we need to put the house on the market (we just got it april, 2018), and that’s when she stopped paying her half of the mortgage.
funny thing about it is, since she moved out (august, 2018) and stared living with POS, the checks that she was writing doesn’t include any $ for D14. am ok with it. i had to keep on reminding myself not to ask for support for D14, when the time comes she wants to fight custody, i can use that against her.
when i got the phone call from her L, i wasn’t surprised or was anxious about it. i told myself that whatever happens, i will be ready and accept any outcome. but what got me yesterday was, i worry about her trying have custody of D14, wherein D14 really doesn’t want anything to do with her. D14 despises her, and the R between them is non- existent.
i know i may sound vengeful and angry, but frankly speaking, i am not. i have to respect D14’s wishes. i cannot and will not give in to the notion that D14 needs her mother. as what i’ve said, there is no more mother-daughter R between them. hence the request for full custody. maybe in the future, when D 14’s wounds have healed, i can ask her to spend time with her. but as of now, i don’t want to succumb her to a life of anger and misery just so i could satisfy my “ good co-parent” image.
after this long post, my question would be, is it a good idea to go and sit down with WW and her L without having any L with me? I would like to go, sit down, express my terms again, and not say any word. if they don’t agree to my terms, i walk out. would this be a good idea? or should i start retaining my own L and let her handle it?
TLDR. sorry. off to taking D14 to a cruise for her spring break. i would try to be hanging around here as often as i can.
