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I probably differ from everyone else. I think its on your W to want to fix R with D, and to also be willing to face the reality of what shes done. Maybe this is because i have somewhay of a similar sitch in regard to my WW and our son. My WW has done everything she can to hide it from our S so our sitch is a little different in that regard. He still doesnt know, hes been lied to fo almost 2 years.

I domt think its going to change what your ww is doing, but its her cross to carry in the end. Your job is to be there for your D14, to make sure your her rock, and to not undermine their R. I think the more i tried to tell my S how much his mom loved him when he talked about being hurt in all that shes done, that i think it caused him to feel like i supported her and not him.


Together:20 years
M:3 years
Me:40
WW:40
S15
A suspected:5/17
AC:5/18
BD:8/18
WW in full blown R w/ OM
Still under same roof
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Originally Posted by equalzr

I think the more i tried to tell my S how much his mom loved him when he talked about being hurt in all that shes done, that i think it caused him to feel like i supported her and not him.


thanks for this insight e. D is 14y/o. she already has concluded that WW is never turning around. i can keep on saying that WW loves her, but again, actions speaks louder than words, this is where WW is falling behind. hence, D14 thinks that i only day those things about WW is because it’s the generic reply.

the way i feel it, and i might just be mind reading, WW is just waiting for D14’s hate and anger to die down, then she’ll swoop back in there and start cake eating. have a POS and have her D14. but good luck with that, when D14 builds a wall against you, not even gorbachev can tear it down. D14 already has NC my in laws, because they told her
not to get mad at WW and not disrespect her, guess where those comments led them? just sad, that D14 doesn’t have anybody to talk to, except her close friends, IC, and me.

haven’t told my side of the family yet. and i don’t intend to. my brothers treated WW like a real sister. they hangout and drink and they even take WW to nudie bars. and i don’t want to destroy that dynamic for now. i know my brothers would really be devastated.

D14 has seen, heard, read things about WW’s waywardness so you’re right, it is WW’s cross to bear in her lifetime.


LBH (43) — WW(41)
D(14)

M(16) — T(22)

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just journaling...

had a big argument with D14 about her grades. i know i approached it the wrong way by showing my frustrations. i should’ve known better. sent her a text message right now, and just validated about how she felt with the way i wrongly showed my emotions. and validated that i know she’s having a hard time with that particular subject.

i think am getting good at this “validation thing”, or am i?


LBH (43) — WW(41)
D(14)

M(16) — T(22)

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Toe, practice makes perfect. Just do your best. What helped me the most is in times of frustration is to step back and take a breath. Think things thru rationally and then proceed with caution. It is not easy- for I feel our kids are in a fragile state that you really gotta stay connected and in tune with them. All the best!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Toe, practice makes perfect. Just do your best. What helped me the most is in times of frustration is to step back and take a breath. Think things thru rationally and then proceed with caution. It is not easy- for I feel our kids are in a fragile state that you really gotta stay connected and in tune with them. All the best!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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It´s the way to do it T. To validate her feelings. You should set some boundaries for D14 regarding grade improving too.Teenagers are natural rebels and that´s a facet we need to learn to love too (I know you do). Setting boundaries help them learn about limits and they feel protected even though they kick and scream.

Hang in there T!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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thanks for the concern lw, neff.


LBH (43) — WW(41)
D(14)

M(16) — T(22)

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update...
WW informed me that she will be gone next weekend, and that i needed to be off at work as D14 will be by herself. i work nights. replied to her that i can’t make any changes to my schedule that easy in a short notice. she said she can ask one of her friends if they can take her, i told her no D14 doesn’t want to, didn’t tell WW that D14 feels embarrassed staying or going with our friends, she rather stay at home by herself. ours is a nice neighborhood and a home security alarm is in place. work is five minutes away.

WW didn’t like my reply. suddenly she’s concerned about D14, wherein she used to come home late when her A with POS was starting. then started ranting about she needs to know what my schedule is , blah, blah, blah. i told her the reason why i won’t give it to her is because at least she can text and ask D14 i she’s all alone by herself, that way D14 can see it feel that she’s still concerned about her. and then she started with, how will this co-parenting work if am
not cooperating. suddenly am the selfish one. i replied and validated her feelings. i said am sorry she feels that am uncooperative, and explained to her how D14 sees this “co-parenting”. explained it to WW a little bit. Right now D14 only sees a “parent” and told WW that she knows and feels this too. “D14 doesn’t want anything to do with you and i’m saying this with no malice intended. am just throwing in suggestions on how you can connect with her, re asking her if she by herself, because as of now, she has built a wall around her that you alone will not break, hence the advice or suggestions am offering. you can take them with a grain of salt and ignore them, and keep on doing what you’re doing if you think it’s going to work.”

Then i added,” yes you are here when i work, but she doesn’t even know why you’re here.D14’s own words, she just showers and blow drys her hair here. she sees it that way because you don’t engage her. yes you do, but you give up easily. if she doesn’t talk then i won’t talk to her either. maybe we need to tone down our egos a little bit and understand why D14 is this way. let’s put emotions in the side and approach this with right logic and right reasoning.”

I suggested this to, “ try placing yourself in her shoes and see it in D14’s perspective. how do i want my mother to approach me to at least have little bit of convo.”

then i concluded with asking her if she wants to sit down one of this days and talk more on how to fix this R with WW and D14. hoping this didn’t look like pursuing.

sorry for the rant.


LBH (43) — WW(41)
D(14)

M(16) — T(22)

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day is almost over. tomorrow is another one. just staying strong and patient


LBH (43) — WW(41)
D(14)

M(16) — T(22)

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^^^In other words, your doing good! 1 day at a time my friend!


Together:20 years
M:3 years
Me:40
WW:40
S15
A suspected:5/17
AC:5/18
BD:8/18
WW in full blown R w/ OM
Still under same roof
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