I am so sorry for everything you and cmm are going through.
This is a really hard decision to make. I think its easier to write factual and clinical information, however i wonder if this is a HIPPA violation? I know that you are not his treating physician, but you are privy and have a much bigger understanding of the details of his illness then a regular girl friend or family member would. To share that with family members he is intentionally not relaying this info to seems like a violation of his right to privacy regarding his illness and health.
Would something less detailed but very heartfelt work? Something along the lines of "i know your dad loves you. this type of illness is not predictable and i would hope for all of you that you can come to some sort of peace and resolution wnile given the chance"... im sure some one out here can word this more eloquently.
I didn't mention dating him as I don't think they are probably very ready or interested to hear about his dating, even though it's been 5 years. I put personal friend and they can draw their own conclusions. I didn't want to have that color their responses.
I also didn't want to sound like I was pushing them to contact their father, or presuming that they should love him or to tell them he loved them - that to me sounds like me being too much in their business. For all I know they may have legitimate reasons for not wanting to speak to him. That's why I used the word closure rather than reconciliation, since for them it may just be their last opportunity to tell him what they really think of him. Maybe at the end I will just add something to the effect of "I am very sorry about this terrible news."
(Btw, I don't actually believe he was a bad father or did anything horrible. I'm not sure why the girls are not contacting him and he legitimately doesn't seem to understand it either. He is a little OCD and maybe he was more difficult to have as a father than I realize, but he seems to have been a loving and responsible parent. It's possible that they just think this is some kind of ploy for attention, or that it isn't as serious/urgent as it really is. My guess is that it's more likely the ex-wife has told them some kind of lies about him but to be fair, I haven't known him that long. )
Don - I do think I must have been put into his life for this reason. I'm doing ok. It will not be easy to watch him die if that's what happens but I am better suited to dealing with that than most, in part because I am a physician and used to seeing death and in part because I believe in an afterlife of some sort. I will say that being with someone with cancer has a way of really making you live in the moment.
Unfortunately the only way I have of contacting them is through Facebook. I wish that wasn't the case, as it means they will see pictures of me - and I happen to look a little bit like their mother. (Go figure - maybe he has a "type").
If there is no connection between them then I have been thinking of asking him to keep a journal, writing the things he would say to them if they were here. Then at least I'd have something to give them after his death that might be of some comfort to them.
Juju - he has already told them his diagnosis and current treatment, so I don't think giving them the survival statistics really violates any HIPAA compliance. (I have been encouraging him to send regular updates even though they are not responding.) I would certainly ask his permission before giving them any genetic results but he has already told them about that testing being sent too.
A little insight to a couple of estranged kids in case it helps.
You know my H texts the kids even though they don't respond and they have told him they don't want that kind of relationship. My daughter wants nothing to do with him, or so she says, but there are ways to get through to her. He just isn't trying. He texts my son that he is sorry that my son doesn't want to speak to him. You see, nothing could be further from the truth. My son does want to see his dad. He wants to speak to his dad. He just doesn't want to text the alien currently inhabiting his father's body. Every single time my H has come to see my son, he has gone. He has been pleasant. He has shared things about his life and his pain. Every single time my husband seems happy to see him and for the most part they have a good time. Then he disappears for progressively longer periods of time. Texting isn't speaking, and when you aren't even asking to see your child, you can't expect them to want much to do with you when you've hurt them so badly. Not saying that is the same with your guy. Just please, don't blame mom. Chances are that he has a lot to do with it. He needs to meet them where they are. Not where he wants them to be or where he thinks they should be.
I'm not jumping to blame mom, although she was a severe alcoholic when he left and from other tales of the marriage sounds like a possible personality disorder.
He was the one that left but didn't cheat or leave for another woman. His oldest two were in college at the time and the youngest a senior in high school. He has attempted to stay in touch ever since but I think his resolve is failing over the last year as their responses to him get fewer and farther between. They all live far enough away that you would have to fly to see them. (Ages 22-26) I've seen him text and leave phone messages, all appropriate. He refuses to badmouth his ex to them.
He's not the typical WAS in that he was trying to stay until the kids were grown despite his wife's alcoholism, and only left because she made a false accusation about him to the police (which they quickly determined was false) and he knew it wasn't safe for him to stay there any longer.
I got my new car this weekend. And learned something about CMM.
Some background: I've never actually dealt with jealousy in a partner. Seems odd I've gotten to this age and not encountered it, but I just never had. I'm not flirtatious or unfaithful so nobody would have any reason for jealousy but it hasn't ever come up.
After my car got totaled a week and a half ago when someone ran into me at a stop light, I needed to buy a new car. I knew what I wanted as I had been thinking about it and researching it for a while, as I knew I'd have to replace that car in a couple of years anyway.
There's a young guy I dated VERY briefly 7 years ago (we mutually agreed to call it off because the age difference really was too much - it was really more of a brief fling) but we became good friends, although we talk only rarely (maybe 2-3 times a year). I gave him some work and helped him in some other ways way back when. It so happens that he used to work at the Toyota dealership that I patronize (and now works for their Mercedes dealership next door). I asked for his help in getting a good deal on my new car as he kind of owes me one. He arranged a good quote for me on a no frills bottom of the line RAV4.
He said he'd meet us there and I thought he was just going to introduce me to a salesperson but instead he stayed for the entire negotiation. He was a lot of help, got me a very good deal, and threw in paying me back some cash I had lent him years ago (and completely forgotten about, as I don't usually lend money without being ok with losing it.)
Now, CMM knows my history with this guy, as I've been very honest about my dating history and he has asked. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't been so open. He took my friend giving me all these discounts and paying back that money as somehow a territorial act, trying to lay claim to me or show off to CMM.
Now, that is NOT who my friend is, and that is NOT what our friendship is about. And my friend was nothing but polite and friendly to CMM during the whole thing. He was just returning a favor.
I think it's just a world view that CMM has - he thinks that men are one-upping each other thinking "haha, I had her first" when they meet.
Now that I understand CMM's mentality I will certainly be cautious about any further introductions to ex flames. I just honestly have never ever dealt with this in past relationships and at my age, I kind of feel like he needs to get over it since of course I have had previous partners (as has he).
I'd be interested in guys here giving me their take on this. (And no, it didn't help matters any that my friend was dressed for his work at the Mercedes dealership in a nice suit and a sharp haircut - he IS a handsome man, but so is CMM. )
And one problem this brings up - I feel like I can't ever friend CMM on Facebook. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to spend time on FB and he hasn't asked. But now that I know this about him, I wouldn't want to friend him. I have lots of male friends, some of whom are ex dates, and they occasionally will post something on my page that they know I will like. NOTHING romantic, usually political or occasionally funny. But I fell like he would start snooping around and maybe become offended or jealous that I am still friends with these men.
Not sure if this will matter that much to your core question but what I think MAY have happened here is your friend got a cut of the omission. I can't be sure about this but have had it happen to me, which is how I got clued into this industry custom. If someone brings in a client and is helpful in making the deal happen - which clearly is what happened here - they are often cut into the commission or paid a "finders fee" cash by the saleperson. That could be very well where the money came from to pay you back as well. I had the same thing happen with a firefighter/friend years ago. He put in all this effort and I'm like, dude you don't need to do all of this for me - to which then he came clean that he got $200 for his "trouble". He knew the sales guy that he steared me to and that put it all in motion. I know you may not care but let CMM know that's perhaps what really went on here - so he's not as smart as he thought he was having it all figured out.
As to your core question, yeah, I really don't get it either. I've never been a jealous person - actually to my detriment. My ex W actually listed that as one of the things she had issue with - that I was never jealous, to the point that I didn't care enough about her to be jealous. I just figure it's useless energy. Of course, it bit me in the butt because clearly I should have been jealous of all the time and attention the guy who she later had an affair with and married. He moved right in right under my nose - helping her with things, taking her places, picking her up for work, etc.
Especially at our age, being jealous is just such a useless thing. It's just not at all attractive. I've more got the attitude, of "let him try to take you away - not going to happen" or if he does, well then I dodged a bullet. But that's just me. I would tell him how it makes you feel however. That's often my go to however - tell him how you feel about it and then it's up to him if he wants to alter his behavior or not.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Especially at our age, being jealous is just such a useless thing. It's just not at all attractive. I've more got the attitude, of "let him try to take you away - not going to happen" or if he does, well then I dodged a bullet. But that's just me.
Yeah, me too! I've tried explaining but he has this notion stuck in his head - it may be a little bit of an OCD thing for him, as he does have some OCD, or it may be a reflection of him not feeling manly enough because of his cancer diagnosis.
As for my friend - yeah, he may have gotten a small commission but if so, he probably gave it right back to me. I know from other dealer's offers that I got a rock bottom price, some freebies, and some things thrown in for dealer's cost, like extended warranty. He usually does NOT want his friends to come to him for a "deal" - which I understand, it's his business - but for me he's so grateful for my past help that he was willing to do it. Good karma comes around.
