After some consideration, I have considered that Ws don't only reframe from sex because we disgust them. Although at the height of waywardness we certainly do.
I think that during DB they also may reframe because they don't want to send the message that things are Okay. Either out of compassion for the feelings (once they are capable of compassion) of the LBS or simply because it is a powerful holdback.
What do you think?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I think that during DB they also may reframe because they don't want to send the message that things are Okay. Either out of compassion for the feelings (once they are capable of compassion) of the LBS or simply because it is a powerful holdback.
I think you mean "refrain" and yes, I think a lot of that is because they "don't want to send the wrong message." And sure we can all sit here and say "I can still have sex with her and know that it doesn't mean anything" but the reality is we're usually trying to hang on to them by doing that.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
In the most natural and confident way I asked. "I miss you, come on up? "
W: I can't. (which pisses me off. I hate when W blames outside forces instead of taking ownership)
M: What's wrong?
W: I'm content not doing it.
Well fine. But then W goes into an R talk which is, as usual, an abstract puzzle with missing pieces. I mostly listen and validate. Nothing new, just reasons for detachment and how she has nothing to look forward to. (I so wanted to say, who's fault is that, but I refrained). So I go upstairs and continue with my morning and she leaves without the usual goodbye.
Now, remember W has been moving toward me for some time. Demonstrating respect and consideration like I haven't seen in years. I say this because my actions were not appropriate for the initial stages of DBing.
I send a text: So not even a goodbye, I'm leaving? (I know, bad RR17)
W: Sorry. I didn't know whether to say anything or not. (these "sorrys" are something W could never do before.)
Anyway, this is the first text convo in months other than "can you pick up..."
The last text I sent was my mistake: Last thing I'm going to say. It is disappointing when you read something into what feels like some sort of progress, only to find out that you are completely wrong and probably wasting your time and heart.
No reply.
Later that evening, W shows up temp taking and suggests D15 is out with friends and do I want sushi. She is as if she wants to pick up right where we left off. Now I'm not reading too much into this. Should I have sent that last text? Probably not.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I don't regret it. At first and as I wrote it I initially regretted the text exchange, but now I not sure that it was a mistake either. W tends to get caught up in tasks and forcing a pause to reflect or add perspective hasn't seemed to set things back at all. The fact that I didn't react to some of her claims during the R talk, when I realize that she was merely trying to stop any kind of perceived attack, provided an opportunity to demonstrate a change in me. The few questions that I asked? She often didn't seem to know the answer. Like she was torn between what she feels and retaining some sort of hold-back to use when needed. The fact that she seemed to want to rush back to the harmony that we experienced prior to my attempt and the R talk speaks volumes as well.
On we go and patience prevails.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
After a failed attempt to move romantically closer I have come to the realization that I read too much into what seemed like progress. One more time after the above-mentioned attempt I tried a more subtle approach and got the "I don't think of you that way". Along with a disgusted "why don't you know this?" look. I very matter of factly asked why this look.
I don't believe that there is someone else. The only thing that I can think to do is pull back again and focus on other things like me and my life. Not be so available. Limbo Land continues.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Sorry to read that RR. So it’s time to go GAL and low expectations to a minimum. Being there wainting for crumbs is a passive position man. Get DBing on again. Go GAL and show W what she is going to miss.
No expectations, moving forward RR. It’s gonna be her loss. Be there for the girls, detach and GAL. What do you think?
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hey RR- I'm with Neff, I think you should refocus on you. minimize expectations and keep progressing being the best RR there could be. Patience is a virtue. Wishing you Peace and Harmony.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
