I’m almost certain he is still with OW2, I just think it’s not going well. He has tended to find the new supply before cutting the old. I just think the love hormones are gone so he is remembering his kids, etc. I guess my hope is that he will find a new source of supply and go back into his fog and stop the nonsense. Lawyer and I discussed a restraining order but she doesn’t like the idea of acknowledging this stuffs bothers me. She just wants me to cut down his opportunities like moving to PO Box. The school thing will only work the one time. They will tell him how to set up an account to see the online grades and then tell him to pound sand. I’ve warned my D to be on the lookout. But she has blocked every number he has called from, changed her email, and because she’s 18, he can’t find anything about her without her consent. S has a script prepared for the next time he shows up. I guess this all that can be done for now.
You have and are doing all that you can. You never know what kind of crazy-making stuff that they will come up with. Just keep your eyes and ears open because that is about all you can do for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, he’s been using silent and proxy hoovers, so I guess this is more of that. But a little less subtle.
Before he took up with OW2 he was circling in toward home for a few months. He was posting poems on FB, which he later confirmed were for my benefit. He posted a poem about Odysseus on his way home to his wife and child, and the pull he felt between obsession and responsibility.
Yesterday he sent S an article about a piece of art on a sunken ship. The title was about Odysseus chaining himself to the mast of the ship so he wouldn’t give in to the siren’s calls (he gave his crews beeswax).
Obviously this was one of his hidden messages. I’m sure S thinks it’s about a shipwreck. I just think he thinks he’s Odysseus, facing all these temptations on his way home from war. Amusing I guess, but nutty.
Well, there has been a rather seismic shift. I would probably be best not to give any specifics. Suffice it to say Job that you are 100% correct, when they don't get the attention they are seeking they absolutely take it to a whole new level. When you respond in a detached and unexpected way you see an entirely new face of them.
What does it mean in the grand scheme of things? Likely very little. But it did help me test a hypothesis, show commitment, detachment, and kindness at the same time. It enabled me to take a situation that began in a very upsetting way and turn it around so I had a good chuckle at the end. There are a few days yet to see whether the tide will turn. Either way, I will weather the storm.
Thanks Peace. I'm working on me. I think that is the real difference.
I have been forced into much more contact with him for a variety of reasons of late and just had a long telephone call for the first time in almost a year. This on the heels of the sneaky behind my back stuff he was doing. I never let on that I knew about any of it. I just charged neutral as they say and kept to the discussion, which was about one of the children, but oddly never mentioned the other or the divorce or anything else.
He is still displaying far more emotion than he should have for this late in the process. Insofar as I can have a completely neutral conversation with him now, it is a little jarring to hear so much emotion in his voice. Cold fish is more his thing. It is largely still coming across as anger and accusation, but it quickly melts into a real softening and a return to himself. He used to love rubbing in my face his plans and commitments with the OW and why he couldn't see the children as a result. Now he only mentions work and "appointments".
We discussed him seeing the child and I once again set down the boundary on no third parties/places in view of the child's emotional issues and this time there was no push-back at all, which previously caused the almost year-long period of no contact and the nastiness that resulted in his filing (from his end, I was being calm and offering alternatives for resolution without court).
Just as he asked to have a call with me before meeting in person to try to resolve the divorce issues between us (which I requested because of the looming tax change), he has now asked for a call with the at-home child before seeing him for the first time in more than 6 months. I literally think he is afraid to go into these face-to-face meetings without some indication of what reaction he is likely to get from the other person. Even before he would talk to me about the somewhat emergent child issue, he repeatedly asked me to tell him what it was about in email before the call. I finally said I wasn't angry, or mad, and didn't want to hurt him but that there was an issue with the child that needed to be dealt with. With that, he actually called me. Shockingly, he also unblocked me immediately after the call and sent me a text so I would be able to figure out that he had done it.
Holy moly! This guy is text book narcissist. The level of spinning when he feels he is losing control is highly disturbing. I am going to go against the grain and tell you to get a house alarm, have your lawyer issue a strong letter that he is not to alter your mail (federal offense stuff!) and only communicate through a third party. The most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is trying to separate from an abusive man. This is when the highest rate of murder, maiming and assault occur. Please don't underestimate this man, there are so many red flags popping up while I was reading this. I literally had a knot in my stomach while reading the progression of his attempts at control and and stalking.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara, thanks for checking in. Given your particular specialty, it is concerning that you see cause for concern. Don't know if you recall, but he is a member of yours and your H's profession. I am very concerned about hurting him at work. I still don't think he is NPD. I think his stress has exacerbated some narcissistic traits and perhaps created a character trap. I think he is BPD and massively PA and the fear of abandonment/loss is freaking him out. He is very subtle about everything he does, and relatively careful about limiting his exposure to being revealed, but there are definitive things I can use against him if need be. I think he filed for divorce to keep OW2 happy as part of a deal to move in with her (I think he couldn't keep the demons at bay alone anymore), but now the days are ticking by and he is getting worried that I am not trying to stop the divorce or beg him to stop it.
One fact I found disturbing. I have long suspected that the daily texts (and more recently calls) to the kids were about me. I just found it odd that he would do it and not ask to see them and the content was often something that only I would get. Once I contacted him about a stupid letter his lawyer sent (I predicted he would use the case to up the ante when I did not respond to the other stuff), he stopped contacting the kids for a week. He had really been spinning and calling (unusual) and never did talk to them, hear from them, or see them, but then suddenly he stopped when he heard from me. I think that by my reaching out to him calmly and asking him to meet with me to wrap up the issues in the divorce before year end satisfied whatever had him spinning. He said he would meet me, and then claimed to be busy for a face-to-face meeting and asked for a call to set up a framework before meeting in person (he's had a draft 24 page agreement for two years--no need for a call on framework).
If I'm not mistaken, Cluster B's struggle hugely between October and January. I'm just hoping to get through this period without much more drama.
I'm glad you had a conversation w/him and yes, I do think you satisfied his "need" to hear from you. He's definitely feeling a bit uncomfortable about meeting you face to face and wants to do a temperature check prior to meeting up. If he had sensed that you were angry, the meeting would not take place.
I do hope that you will be able to get some of the work wrapped up before the end of the year. I might be wrong and completely off base, but if he has some type of communication w/you, the drama may dwindle a bit over the next couple of months. He has abandonment issues and it will be interesting to see what happens when the divorce is final.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
