Sounds like you've been convinced to get your head out of your arse Joseph so I don't need to pile on there. I am still concerned about what at least appears to me as not at all being yourself bur rather following some un written rule book and playing games. No, I don't think you are purposely trying to play games but I swear this is what women mean when they complain of game players.
Clearly not calling until Sunday in THIS case would have been wrong. Now, what to do now, that's harder. Lunch dates other than an initial meet and greet can be a pathway to the friend zone. That said, I think my second or third date with my ex w was a lunch date - so there you go.
What SHOULD you do? I'd reach out to her with some simple banter. After a little of that I'd say that I really enjoyed Saturday night. It's too bad it doesn't look like we can get together again until next week but if your schedule changes, let me know. If she suggests lunch, take her up on it. She's clearly interested enough to see you again. That in itself doesn't seem to happen a lot until it's followed by a flake out soon after so I'd not let things die off. If she doesn't hear from you until Sunday she will either think you are not that interested or are a player who was trying to find something better and when you didn't you decided to give her another try.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey DH....yeah, I don't think I will suggest lunch this week. I agree that lunch dates do not have a romantic vibe too them and it's probably best to save them for later on in the courtship when we are more comfortable with each other if it gets that far. Saturday night was left opened ended other than we both made it clear that our intentions were to see each other again. So now it's really about when to hit her up and mention meeting up next week which I will probably do on Wednesday as today is too early in the week. If I wait until Wednesday that will be 3 days of no contact from me which I don't think is too bad. I could also just send her a simple..."I hope you are having a great day" text which lets her know that she is on my mind.
You are still WAY over-thinking it. These arbitrary rules are just making you trip over your own feet. Get out of your head and send the D@MN text!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Alright.....I sent her a text. We shall see if she responds or if her feelings have changed. Before our date we only spoke twice in two weeks before we met and she didn't flake. Hopefully she doesn't take this as over pursuing or being needy.
Hopefully she doesn't take this as over pursuing or being needy.
OMG - dude LOL LOL LOL, If ANYONE thinks that sending a simple text two days after a date is being needy, that person is wacked. Now if you follow that text up in an hour with, "Hope I wasn't bothering you with that text" and then an hour later say, "Hmmmm you must be busy today huh?" And then "Wow, did I say something wrong, why aren't you responding to me?" Finishing off the night with "Clearly we must be done and you are ghosting me, I don't know what I did to upset you, will you please at least respond?"
NOW THAT ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Is being needy - not sending a single simple text 36 plus hours after a nice date.
What concerns me Joseph is how will this woman see who the real you is if everything you do (at least between dates) is predicated on some set of rules and overthought of anything you do? Just be you and from all we can see, you are nowhere near needy behavior or being clingy or something.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
ok ok ok....I get it. The last time we spoke was Saturday night which was a brief text exchange to make sure she got home ok. So yeah I agree, makes sense.
Hopefully she doesn't take this as over pursuing or being needy.
OMG - dude LOL LOL LOL, If ANYONE thinks that sending a simple text two days after a date is being needy, that person is wacked. Now if you follow that text up in an hour with, "Hope I wasn't bothering you with that text" and then an hour later say, "Hmmmm you must be busy today huh?" And then "Wow, did I say something wrong, why aren't you responding to me?" Finishing off the night with "Clearly we must be done and you are ghosting me, I don't know what I did to upset you, will you please at least respond?"
NOW THAT ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Is being needy - not sending a single simple text 36 plus hours after a nice date.
Again I find myself saying ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Don hit the nail SQUARELY on the head. Sending a text or 2 does NOT make you seem desperate or clingy. Sending a string of escalating texts is needy. It really is that simple. I don't need constant contact from a guy but a text every few days does not give me pause to assume he's needy...it simply makes me think he's interested.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Alright, I get it well she knows as she just responded to my text so obviously she is still interested as well and her feelings haven't changed. I won't ask her to lunch this week so I guess I will just banter with her for a bit.
Alright so we texted for about 30 min with each other, I had to get my daughter to soccer practice so I had to cut it off and leave work. I found out that she is not going to Florida this weekend however I didn't ask her out, the timing just didn't feel right. Obviously she is still interested but outside of touching base with her nothing else was accomplished. We have a running joke about me wearing a tank top to the date so we had some banter about that topic and she told me she would put glitter on hers, wash it and give it to me. I told her she could give it to me when we meet up again. Any way I think I am going to let her sit for a bit and I will reach out to her fri or sat to make plans for next week. The convo was left open ended by the both of us with ttyl. I still don't think she will be reaching out to me, while she was upbeat, responsive, etc. I didn't pick up on that vibe.
Obviously she is still interested..... but any way I think I am going to let her sit for a bit and I will reach out to her fri or sat to make plans for next week.
Oh for crying out... we clearly are going to need a bigger 2 X 4!!!
At least we don't have to worry about harming that thick skull of yours! Ladies, do you want to finish off what I've T-d off here???????? Let's see if they pick up right where I left off - but spoiler alert Joseph, I would not wait until Friday!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joseph, if I was on the other end of the way you're acting, I would be very confused.
I'm one of those people who are super sensitive to other people's vibes, and I totally get where they are at and what they're about straight away, especially once I've met them. But I can also get those vibes of messages, emails...whatever. I also have a job where that is really important, so I'm using that skill all the time.
If someone's actions don't match up to what I'm feeling instinctively, it's very confusing. I might not be able to intellectually understand what it's about, but I can definitely feel it, and I know that I'm feeling it.
I would tend to stay away from anyone that I got that feeling from. I'd maybe keep them in the outskirts of my life, like as a vague acquaintance or something, but I'd not really wanting them any closer than that. Because there's something there that's inconsistent and really I don't trust that incongruity I'm getting off them.
They may be acting like that unconsciously, in which case it's about self preservation for me. They may be acting like that because they're following some sort of plan, in which case I'm thinking there may be some sort of game playing going on, and I'm not sure I want to be on the receiving end of that kind of calculation.
I don't really even need to have worked out work out why I'm feeling it. I know that if I'm feeling it, it's enough.
I want to weigh in here with what I have researched and am implementing and based on some of your posts.
You had a date Saturday and it went well. The following Sunday would have been to long to reach out. Yesterday was probably too early. IMO Wednesday would have been fine.
Early on in the courtship the man should do most of the pursuing. The goal in the beginning is to try to set one date per week and try not to do or say anything to talk her out of liking you. Obviously the more chit chat going back and forth over text the more chance you have to screw up or she takes something the wrong way. Now I know in the past you have mentioned you have pi$$ed some girls off over text so you have to be extra careful.
Once maybe twice a week a "hey how is your day going" text is not going to get you in any trouble.
Eventually as time goes on and she starts to feel safe and comfortable with you she will reach out more. When she does, assume she wants to see you and set the next date.
Remember, this is suppose to be fun. Your words "kid in a candy store". If you over analyse you will most likely take the fun out of it and more than likely do something to screw things up.
Thanks L.....I don't want to get into this idle chit chat stuff as I agree with your assessment. Yesterday was more of a "hows your day going" text as we only exchanged about 3 messages between the both of us. She indicated that she was not going out of town this weekend but then followed it up with I am just going to spend time with my son. So to me that indicates not open for business this weekend. I didn't get the feeling she was annoyed by my text as we did exchange banter back and forth...she also ended the conversation with a ttyl . However I just got the feeling that I needed to be careful, it was just an intuition. So my current plan is to reach out to her this Thursday or Friday and try to set something up for next week, maybe we can meet up after work one night for happy hour or dinner. I will be out of town over the weekend visiting my friends in Nashville. So I am trying to take it slow, not over pursue but also wanting her to know that I am interested.
I don't think going long period of not contacting her is a problem for her as I didn't reach out to her for 9 days after our initial conversation and she agreed to go on a date with me. I then set the date on Wed of last week for Saturday and didn't call her on Saturday at all to confirm. She did send me a text to let me know she was on her way and I told her I was at the bar and that I was wearing a white tank top. That is how our tank top joke got started.
So maybe a small misstep yesterday but not something that I can't recover from but my strategy before the first date was working fine so in my mind if it's not broke don't fix it or change things up too much.
J9, I honestly do NOT get the sense that you are a player. I actually get the sense that you are a pretty genuine guy. I also get the sense that you are fairly black and white, which is not overly surprising, as men tend to be more so than women. However, your most recent post about texting her and the ensuing chit chat seem to me (and this is solely my opinion, so if it is wrong, then so be it) to be exactly why women label men as "players". I still think you are way over-thinking this deal. Honestly, I don't understand why the "rules" about when texting is "right" or too soon/too late or whatever. Just like Don was saying (maybe on someone else's post, but still applies here) that men can sense when women are too needy, women can sense when men are playing games. Now, don't get me wrong, the game playing goes both ways (as does the whole neediness thing, for the record), but seriously, you are putting WAY too much thought into all of this. I think Focus already said to you something about women sensing things so I concur with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you don't sense things as well. From your posts, you strike me as a pretty intelligent man. From my standpoint as a single woman, if a man expresses an interest in me and asks me on a date and I enjoy it, I would behave very much like the lady you are talking to did. I'm not at all aggressive. And, to be honest, your date with her very much mirrors my first date with Sparky. We met online, chatted for a bit, met for lunch for our first official date, had a BLAST and when he walked me to my car at the end of the date, he said that he'd like to do it again and I told him I'd very much like that as well. Then, later in the day, after I got off work, we texted back and forth a bit and we actually ended up making a date for the very next day. I say all that to say that I just don't think there are as many rules as you think there are. Sometimes you just have to go with gut instincts and feelings. Now, I don't need a text every day from someone, but honestly, after that first date with Sparky, if he had waited a whole week before he even spoke to me again, I would've wondered what I had done wrong or whom he had met in the meantime that he liked better than me.
LH just mentioned that Monday texting was "too early". Why? Why is there a timeline? I guess that is what keeps hanging me up about your posts, J9. I don't understand the need for a specific timeline and all this over-thinking. If you feel like chit-chatting, reach out. If you don't, don't. I'm not saying you should force anything so that it comes across as fake, but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, just relax and go with the flow. EVERY little detail does NOT have to be planned out. I, obviously, see things from a woman's point of view so maybe the difference is how men view things vs. how women view things. Not sure.
Having said all that, I really am rooting for you, J9. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a nice lady to date or whatever else you are looking for.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
D - Your right I am not, I am a one woman man...that's my nature. The funny thing is that I am not really putting too much thought into but when I post something about my OLD experiences and what I am going to do etc. people respond and turns it in to more than what I intended it to be. So then I respond because they took their time to respond to me and then it gets started.
So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
I know some will disagree with all of this and that's fine but just remember our DBing principals or strategies we deployed as the LBS. IMO there is no difference, everyone has a different philosophy or strategy that they use and those strategies/this board from MWD brought us all together (we could have chose to go follow someone else if we wanted). To a certain extent everyone plays a game. This woman for whatever reason is not initiating contact with me but it is obvious she is interested. Maybe she is playing a game????
[quote=Joseph9]D - So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
quote]
This is so not true from my point of view. Maybe I am the odd one?
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest. If the interest is mutual, please do not give me time and space to wonder in the beginning. I'll figure you aren't interested and move on. When you have a mutually good date and want to see eachother again, I want that guy to reach out and make that happen.
I have had dates where the interest is on their side, but not on my side. That's when I don't want him to reach out. But if the interest is mutual? I want that text! I want you to ask me out again! I don't need mystery and yearning, and guessing. Take the lead!
I think these so called dating coaches are making things worse. Sheesh.
I think it depends on what the woman is looking for G. If she is looking for a relationship or has an extremely high interest level then she will reach out, she will initiate, etc.. If the woman is casually dating and/or has a medium/low interest level then as a man you are going to need to raise it by taking measured steps to make that happen. So once you figure out what the woman is looking for, by reading the signs she is giving off you can determine what strategy you need to deploy because they are never the same depending on the woman.
Again.....from the dating coaches not J9's philosophy.
If I have a high interest, I am waiting for that guy to reach out. I won't reach out. I expect him to lead to guage his interest in me. I usually don't want to wreck it with not letting the guy be the alpha male.
That's just me, and I guess I am not your ordinary woman. But you do what works for you.
But your woman is clearly giving you signals for your next step. And it's not to sit back.
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest.
A couple things regarding the post above.
Again, we are talking about one date per week and one or two how is your day texts. So we are talking two or three days of silence early on. If you lose interest that quick, you weren't too interested in the first place. At this stage we all work full-time, have kids, workout, have our hobbies and give unsolicited advice on message boards lol. Probably most people wouldn't even realize it's been three days without hearing from someone.
Lastly, like J said there is no reason she can't reach out to him.
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest.
A couple things regarding the post above.
Again, we are talking about one date per week and one or two how is your day texts. So we are talking two or three days of silence early on. If you lose interest that quick, you weren't too interested in the first place. At this stage we all work full-time, have kids, workout, have our hobbies and give unsolicited advice on message boards lol. Probably most people wouldn't even realize it's been three days without hearing from someone.
Lastly, like J said there is no reason she can't reach out to him.
2-3 days is good. Wait a week after a first date which went well? Well, that tells me you aren't interested. And I have an overly full life. Not enough time in the day
She can reach out to him. I have a feeling she will, once he takes on the alpha male role.
It's a truth. I have also been told by men too. They like to pursue in the beginning. A woman who pursues is a turn-off. It doesn't make it right or wrong. Now, if he pursues and she unresponsive, well, that shows no interest. But that is not the case.
I agree, J should do what makes him comfortable. But it seems like he is following these rules written by some guy who calls himself a dating coach and it isn't natural to him. If you really are too busy to be reaching out until Friday, then don't. If you don't want to because you aren't interested, don't. But not because some dating coach says so. And not because some random woman on this board is giving unsolicited advice.
The good thing about this board is that the unsolicited advice you are getting is from women, in a similar position as you.
I don't want to overstep my bounds. I want you to do whatever makes you comfortable and is true to YOU.
I know it is my responsibility to move the relationship along with making dates and also escalating things physically as well. I am just trying to read the signs she is giving off since the courtship started on the online app about a month ago. It just appears to me that taking it slow with her is the appropriate strategy as it took us about 3 weeks from our initial conversation to meet and our texting conversations back and forth have been extremely limited. I was dark for 9 days and she agreed to a date, I made the date on Wed and she showed on Sat night without me confirming on Sat as well. All of this with only 2 texting conversations in a two week period, 1 hour long convo to get to know each other and then 9 days later another from me to set the date. That was it so I am not compelled to just start blowing up her phone after 1 date with all of these unnecessary texts which are essentially temperature checks on my part to make sure she hasn't lost interest. With that said if she reached out to me today I would ask her availability and make a date. If she doesn't then she will wait until I initiate conversation again.
Again I refer back to this board that we are on and the strategies we deployed, some of it was unnatural and counter-intuitive but we were told to follow the process blindly from random people and this is your best shot to get your spouse back and if you don't you will still win in the end. Go dark, no contact, be the lighthouse, validate, don't be available, don't respond to text messages that don't require a response, remove your spouse from the bedroom if they are cheating, etc. etc. etc. There is a strategy for everything, why should there not be a strategy for dating????
I do agree that some of his actions, thoughts are way over analyzed and come off as unnatural.
You have to remember that we are all new to this and haven't been doing this kind of stuff for 20-30 years. Heck, last time I was dating there wasn't even the internet lol!
Totally agree with Ginger on this one. But I also agree, J9, that you should do what makes you comfortable, so feel free to throw my unsolicited advice right out the window. If you think it is the right move to wait, then wait. If you feel like it is right to move forward, move forward. But, I still concur with G that these so-called dating coaches are full of crap and they are just muddying the waters. My point all along has been that there is no need to over-think, but you should just do what feels right in the moment, not what feels right because that is what some arbitrary dating coach SAYS is right.
What it boils down to in my mind is that we are all our own individual people. My thoughts lean more toward the likes of Ginger's and maybe that is because we are both women, I don't know. What I do know is if I had a great date with someone then they didn't text me within a few days, I would think they were no longer interested and I would respond accordingly. (And, I don't mean actually respond, so much as I guess I mean act accordingly, but that is a matter of semantics.)
You said something in one of your posts, J9, about how maybe she's playing a game in not responding. I think you are right that she CAN respond to you, but from my perspective (solely based on things you have posted, as I'm obviously not involved in the situation), she's waiting for you to take the lead. I don't see that as game playing, but maybe you do and that, again, is about perspective so obviously, you have to act accordingly because YOU are the one dealing with/living the situation, right? Doesn't matter one iota what I think or what anyone else thinks, for that matter.
In short, I'll say what I say to people all the time....you do you, J9. I'm enjoying reading because this all has been so extremely enlightening to me. I think the woman is interested and clearly signaling that, but you do you, man. And have fun!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks everyone...I am an over analyzer by nature And yes, the Internet didn't even exist the last time I was dating as well. If it was me I would contact her every day with something but I think we all agree that is not the right thing to do so it appears the debate is how long do you wait to contact etc. in between dates or just in general. Everyone probably has a different opinion on it and the person on the other end has a philosophy on it as well (the girl I am talking to). I think it would just be easier if I asked her and determined her expectations
I did reach out to her Saturday night after our date to make sure she got home ok (that should show my interest). I also sent her a text yesterday and we sent about 3 messages back and forth (again that should show my interest). The next time I reach out will be to make a date for next week some time which I will do either on Thur or Fri. which will be roughly 2 to 3 days of NC unless she reaches out to me during that time. If she does, I will make a date.
I agree waiting until Sunday was too long but I do believe that I have showed her interest.
So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
See, I find this VERY interesting. I NEVER in my whole experience of OLD had more than one or 2 men reach out to me at a time and that was a lot, to be honest. So, I'm not sure what I was doing wrong that I wasn't getting some huge waiting list, other than being fat, which is what it is. Of course, living in Podunk, Arkansas, is not necessarily conducive to large numbers of men to choose from either, but I'm close enough to Little Rock to make dating there possible and still no luck, so I find that women automatically had a huge herd flock to them absolutely fascinating. Totally not my experience at all, which absolutely shapes my perception of OLD and as we all know "perception is reality" so that is MY reality.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
I guess I'm old fashioned or possibly just weird, but I don't see why it is a bad thing to use the phone to get to know someone a bit first. But, then again, I'm not a typical woman. I would never want to string someone along for months, not meeting them, but I also don't want to meet up with someone in the first days that I talk with them. I think one thing that I have always agreed with you about is that I think you know pretty quickly if there is a spark there or not. I may find different things that "spark" for me than you do, as I tend to lean toward senses of humor, where you have mentioned a certain look (which is totally fine because we all have different things that catch our attention), but I agree there is either a quick spark or there isn't. For me, because my spark is based more on an attitude (for lack of a better word), it is easier to pick up on over the phone. I'm not saying that is right for everyone. I'm just saying that is how it works FOR ME.
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I know some will disagree with all of this and that's fine but just remember our DBing principals or strategies we deployed as the LBS. IMO there is no difference, everyone has a different philosophy or strategy that they use and those strategies/this board from MWD brought us all together (we could have chose to go follow someone else if we wanted). To a certain extent everyone plays a game. This woman for whatever reason is not initiating contact with me but it is obvious she is interested. Maybe she is playing a game????
Let me say this about DB. While I have learned some great things on this site and I absolutely cherish all the comments and advice that I receive and I do "listen" to what is said to me either directly or indirectly, DBing did not ultimately work for me. I'm not saying it is a bad thing nor am I saying it can't work for many others. I'm just saying, in my case, it did not work at all, because we went from BD to D FAST once my XH had his mind made up and his mind was made up, I found out later, because he was already sleeping with wife #3. I didn't have time to DB. Now, have I since learned things that I can use moving forward in new relationships? ABSOLUTELY! And, would I steer people to these DB principles who are going through a D? ABSOLUTELY! What I appreciate about this site more than anything is the valuable interactions with others who may or may not have experienced similar things but who can still all share information about dating and seeking relationships in new ways after years of marriage. I know I can always learn new things and that is a good feeling. I don't know that I necessarily agree with your thought process on everyone plays a game to a certain extent. Maybe I do and don't realize it, but I detest games. I think I'm pretty black and white and if you like me, fine, tell me and if you don't, fine, tell me. In my opinion, this woman is clearly giving you signals that she is interested, but she is taking a more submissive role in allowing you to make the moves. I don't see that as a game so much as kind of a normal female reaction, particularly if she's a true Southern woman. Southern woman tend to be strong and have an independent streak, but we also tend to be those women who go the Southern Belle route and let our men be MEN. And now that I typed all that out and I think about it, maybe that is a game.........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Thanks for always making me think, J9. I sincerely appreciate your opposing viewpoint as it gives me other ways to look at things.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Well D call them games or strategies I think everyone does something. They might be subtle but unfortunately it happens......even going no contact is a strategy. Well she is from a small town in Arkansas D so maybe you are on to something
Oh boy L......well I have about $1200 in my flex account that I need to spend before the end of the year and condoms are an item I can purchase
This discussion has been really fascinating. Like J9, I've seen the same advice from internet dating coaches. (Is this Corey W?) It's been weird for me to follow that advice, but everything since BD has been weird and new. Since I have NGS tendencies, I've done a lot of work on myself and changed in ways I never would have imagined. It's difficult to know what to incorporate and what to reject, without trying it out.
It's good to see the female opinion on these dating coaches. Of course, the female rejection of this approach is addressed by these coaches - they'll say women don't realize they're doing these things, but this is how they operate on a subconscious level. I think for a certain kind of woman, this may be the case, but not for all. The question is, is the kind of woman that these games work with, the kind of woman I want to be in an R with.
Dawn, I wonder how effective DB was for me, or if it even made a difference. In terms of my XW wanting to save the M, probably not. But it gave me something to distract myself with mentally, so that I could have some structure to the chaos. It's something I (tried to) follow without really believing in. It did give me hope, which I desperately needed. Was it like the game the father played with his son in Life is Beautiful?
Anyway, J9, if the advice you're following makes you feel uneasy, follow your instincts a bit more. As the R progresses, you'll eventually be texting more (you said yourself you'd prefer once a day). So why not go there now and see how she responds? If you're a frequent texter and she's not, that could be really frustrating for you.
One thing I've read in NGS literature is "get to NO as soon as possible". If there's a dealbreaker or incompatibility in there, it's best to face it now.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dating is in our evolution J9. There are some primitive behaviors that generally over rule social manners. It’s the base of our existence. Just do what you find comfortable but...(hahaha yes: but)...
...insert Jaws music here (again)...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hey H - If she was initiating contact then I would feel more comfortable reaching out. I am actually really comfortable with my current strategy which is less is more for me right now. Yes I have watch Corey W videos along with AMS Strategies which generally mirror each other. Now I will deviate some from what they teach depending on the situation but their general strategy with a woman that never initiates contact is make 1 call per week to set up a date.
I assume though that if she is not reaching out to me that this is the same approach she uses with the other guys she is talking to as well. Most guys would probably be blowing up her phone as she is very attractive and very successful so my thought is that I will be different than those guys and do the exact opposite as this is what has got me to this point so far. I do believe I made a mistake yesterday in reaching out to her but I won't do it again. I can recover from it by backing off the rest of the week and when I am comfortable reach out to her again to set up our next date.
If she is wishy washy, ghosts me or just declines then I will assume she got a better offer from another guy. As long as she continues to talk to other guys then that possibility always exists. As I should be continuing to talk to other ladies until the point is reached when a relationship forms.
At the end of the day if it's meant to be it's meant to be......strategy or no strategy if she really likes me and I am really into her then it will work out no matter what. Just my opinion. I have no problem taking the lead, making dates, paying for them and escalating things physically I just think at times you have to be systematic about it.
OMG - I'm watching this Cory douche right now - what a cocky dick! OMG OMG OMG again - he just made the women will sleep with you on the second or third date line. This is like the pickup artist. No, this is like those guys that rather than selling real estate sell books or do seminars on how to sell real estate. I've had this video running for like 15 minutes and if I've heard "Buy my book" and "Read the book 10 to 15 times" once I've heard him say it no less than two dozen times. It's all he keeps saying - read the book, go to my website, buy the book. I'd be very very cautious of the advice you get from some self-proclaimed pickup artist or "dating coach" than i would a phd credentialed author like MWD. Is he married - does he have a GF? I think all he's going after is being a player and hooking up with as many women as he can - which then makes those women hate men and say we are all players. Just be careful with advice from someone like this is all I'm saying.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LOL....yeah DH he can be a little annoying to watch. I don't know that I subscribe to everything he talks about but I have implemented some of his strategies with this girl and it has gotten me to this point so far. I do like his ideas of being a man of value and you create that value (outside of just having a life of abundance) by having a deliberate texting strategy because the texting game is just as important as your in person game. Since many times the date never happens because of something the guy does or says when texting (it has happened to me). Which is why he advocates only using the phone to make dates.
His book is more than just picking up women. It's also how to keep the woman you have in love with you. Quite frankly if I read his book and implemented what he teaches 15 years ago I am quite sure I would have never needed this website.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way but based on your track record with women I recommend you buy the book and read it 10-15 times.
DH if you really want some more solid advice listen to AMS (AMS Strategies) on YOUTUBE also. Again more strategies around not coming off needy when texting, when it is ok to text, how to act during dates, how to confirm dates, how to deal with ladies that don't initiate contact, high to handle woman that have high interest, etc.
So here we go.....explain this ladies. She is active on the dating app, obviously emailing or doing something but she doesn't have time to reach out to me but yet she is soooooo interested?????? A perfect example of a lady who is casually dating and talking to multiple men. Again, no issues with it but she has time to contact them but can't initiate contact with me????? Explain that
How do you know she’s emailing other men? This is a serious question, not a smart aleck retort. Just because she’s “active” doesn’t necessarily mean she’s sending messages. She may well be talking to other men but there’s no way to know if she does so only when they initiate contact or if she’s actually reaching out. I don’t think any of us can explain it because we’re nit her. I can only speak for myself and I behave pretty much the same in most situations. In dating situations, I’m very reserved and prefer the man take the lead.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I Js thread always makes me want to post the Jon Stewart eating popcorn gif
I'm still laughing at that one - good comment!
I'm not saying that everything he suggests is wrong. I half listened to some more while I was doing other work - so it was in part background wah wah wah but I did hear multiple things come out of his mouth that you've written here Joseph. I'm totally fine with you being the lab rat here so have at it if you think it's going to work. But here's my take, his number one goal is to try to sell his books and make money. Can't fault him there but take it for what it's worth. I also looked around and the comments of his critics are much like my concerns - namely, what training or degree or education in all of this does he have? He seems to be a self-proclaimed life or dating coach, who is divorced by the way and doesn't appear to have a GF. Hmmmmm, that's interesting. I think some of his suggestions will work on a larger base of women. However, I think in great part, his target are not the type of women at least I want to have a LTR with. They are not the Gingers or the Dawns or the KMLs. They are these broken women that don't know what they want, ghost guys at the drop of a hat and have never had a solid R. They are the exact type of women I want to stay away from. I also think he's breeding and creating the types of guys that are ruining it for many other women out there.
Again, all that said, he also has some great points, like don't beg, don't keep texting, don't try so hard so fast, all things I totally agree with. So, yes, his tactics might work on this current woman because she likely is the type looking for the next best, etc. She's like the woman in the kitchen who wanted one thing one minute and another the next. These are totally the women I DO NOT want to win over. Heck they are the ones I'm trying soooooo hard to avoid! That's my concern.
I'll try to check out this other guy and see what I think.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
So here we go.....explain this ladies. She is active on the dating app, obviously emailing or doing something but she doesn't have time to reach out to me but yet she is soooooo interested?????? A perfect example of a lady who is casually dating and talking to multiple men. Again, no issues with it but she has time to contact them but can't initiate contact with me????? Explain that
Yes, of course she is still active! You guys went on one date! She certainly is still looking around. So you were active when you checked her out, does that mean you are emailing other women? I told you why she isn't reaching out! She wants you to take the lead! She has time to do it, yes. She can be interested and no initiate contact. I bet after another date or two she will.
Honestly, you need to make a much more relaxed and less serious approach to this. All the women on there are casually dating and talking to multiple men. And she could have seen you active and thought the same thing about you.
You aren't serious, you are going onto the second date...... I bet she is interested by not head over heels interested. No offense to you. How interested do you get?
Throw the rule book and these crazy Vlogs out the window for a little and RELAX!
I wasn't emailing other women, I got a notification on my phone that someone liked my profile so I checked it out to see who it was. I am interested but not head over heals as well which technically is probably a good thing as all the other girls that I have chatted with or went on dates with that started really fast all fizzled very quickly. So I am glad she is interested but not head over heels interested based on my previous experiences. I hope that make sense. My assumption is that her strategy with all the men she is talking to is to sit back, let them take the lead and then weed them out based on their behavior, neediness, etc.
Anyway I had a really good quote pop up on Instagram today that I thought I would share. Maybe some of you have heard it before.
"Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you and do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?" - Rumi
Yes man...there´s no need to do such biased mind readings. It´s about where you put expectations: stock them in the refrigerator but have the toaster near by.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I hear ya G.....I am not going to worry about it any longer. I do plan on reaching out to her tomorrow to see what her availability is for next week either Sunday night or after work one evening. Today is just a day too early for me as it will have been 3 days of NC since our brief exchange on Monday. I really do get the impression from her that she is wanting to take it slow , not that she is not interested but that she is in no hurry. Dating others I am sure but that's ok......I don't have an issue with it. That's why it's called dating. I do believe that if I called her every other day, sent her good morning texts, etc. that those things would be too much at least until she starts to reciprocate.
Obviously she can reach out to me at any time which she has not and based on her track record I don't expect her to. So I did not ask her out for this week but will for next which won't be consecutive weeks. If I don't see her next week then it probably won't happen until after Halloween but if she is that interested it won't matter unless she is willing to meet for lunch or something which I don't like to do (unless she is open for a nooner .
Either way I'll just what happens and take it a day at a time with no expectations.
Alright....so I texted Blondy about next week. She responded within an hour and I asked her what her availability was on my second text (we did have a little banter . She told me she was going to be out of town for work Tues-Thurs, she forgot about my trip next week so she indicated we might need to wait until I get back. My daughters have soccer games on Monday and Thursday of next week which really only leaves Sunday night available (since both of us will be out of town in some capacity). Anyway, I just told her I had limited time as well due to my daughters soccer games, it was cool and we can figure something out when I get back. I felt she was sincere and wasn't blowing me off since she bring up waiting until I get back as an alternative. I guess I could have suggested lunch but that is not very romantic especially for a second date.
I am not concerned but at the earliest it will be about 3 weeks from our initial meeting before we might go out again so I am not sure how often to text, call, etc. I went 9 days before but now since we went on a date that seems a little long to me. Obviously she doesn't seem to be bothered by it so IDK.
Today would be the only day as she is out of town for work tues through fri and I leave to go out of town on Friday morning. I would have been inclined to ask last week if I felt she was more interested than what she is acting. To your point earlier G she is interested but not over the top to where she is blowing up my phone, so I just feel less is more with her and taking it Uber slow is the way to go.
F- I mean I guess she could be but there is nothing that would indicate she is remotely concerned. I am sure she is confident that I will eventually reach back out again and make our next date. IMO if she was concerned she would reach out at some point to just say hi, ask me how my week is going, etc. She has multiple options and I am just one of them.
I am not complaining or mad it’s just the way it is....I get it and understand. I had another woman hit me up yesterday that didn’t respond to my email about 2 months ago. She has not been active online in a while so I assume the guys she was with didn’t work out.
The truth is, you can only get so excited after one date. I would worry if she was over-the-top interested after one date.
With me and my new guy, I was interested after the first date, but it wasn't like fireworks going off all over the place. It really built up over time, getting to know each other, and spending more time and having more dates. Now, we have that really strong chemistry on all levels.
I find that fireworks on the first date usually fizzle out pretty fast. It's good to keep in contact and interested, but the excitement will build after more than one date.
And stop ASSuming why she didn't answer your email 2 months ago. Maybe she wasn't active because it was "screw this, I need a break" Or maybe it didn't work out with someone. But it doesn't matter.
If this new girl isn't as interested as you would like her to be, or isn't reaching out the way you would life, maybe she just isn't for you and it is time to move onto the next. You have to really measure your expectations.
And stop ASSuming why she didn't answer your email 2 months ago. Maybe she wasn't active because it was "screw this, I need a break" Or maybe it didn't work out with someone. But it doesn't matter.
And maybe also life stuff happened, or work, or friends that needed help...who knows?
I'd also throw in that you're expending a lot of emotional energy and taking up a lot of brain space speculating. I might have said that before? If I have, I apologise, my brain is pretty fried at the moment.
It is what it is, at this point in time. Until you get to know someone better you might not ever get to know the circumstances of why they're not getting in touch sooner/been in touch sooner. It might be simple, it might be a really weird reason. But who knows. And does it affect you now, at this moment in time? And your plans for yourself?
Why not use that energy and brain space for something that's good for *you*, at this moment in time and/or in the immediate future. Instead of filling your time with speculating and imagining and tangling yourself in all sorts of maybes, what nots, perhaps and what ifs.
I feel tired just reading about what might, or might not, be going on...
Seriously, when I met the man I'm with now (and have been for almost two years now), we chatted a tiny bit online, and just for a short while. He cracked a few jokes, made me laugh, and suggested meeting up. I said yes, we had a lovely chat in person, there was *a lot* of chemistry...much more than our online chats. And that's what it's about really, you have to look at the other person in the eyes, be with them, to see if there's any chemistry.
After our date I messaged him that I'd had a lovely time and would really like to seem again. It was that easy and straight forward, no games, no mind reading, no tying oneself in knots.
In the previous six months before I'd ever even started talking to this wonderful man, I'd been chatting to someone else. We chatted a lot online, and for a long time. He was funny, sharp, obviously talented. If he'd asked me out at some point in those months that we'd been chatting, I probably would have said yes, particularly early on. Then it just got to the point where it was obvious that he wasn't going to ask me out and there was some issue as to why he wasn't asking me out. No idea what it was, he never told me. It could have been anything: lack of confidence, circumstances, he was still married, he had a girlfriend, he was a figment of his own imagination...who knew? And to be honest, I didn't particularly care. The bottom line was he didn't ask me out, I never met him, and now I absolutely wouldn't dream of chatting to him.
My point is that he put some sort of obstacles in the way of my meeting up with him. They might have been real, they might have been imaginary...I've no idea. But the outcome was the same essentially. Make things overly complicated and you'll end up turning people (women) who like things that are straightforward and uncomplicated cold. And you'll miss your chance.
If they then turn out to be not worth your time or energy for whatever reason, so be it. But you need to get to that point first.
I really am ok and was just journaling more than anything. I have enough going on in my life to keep me occupied.
My goal is to not complicate things however IMO the women are the ones making things more complicated than they need to be. I am just trying to read the signs they are giving off and handle each situation differently as they come.
Blondy....has never once initiated contact outside of her initial interest. We started communicating on 9/20 and have went on 1 date in a month. It appears that I am not a priority to her so why should I put a ton of effort into her? I am not saying it bothers me but obviously there is something going on with her which is why she is taking it slow. I don't want to speculate what that is but the signs are the signs.
New girl.....way too early to tell, she initiated contact with me yesterday and even sent the first email. We sent two emails and she hasn't responded to my last email that I sent around 1 yesterday. Again I don't want to speculate but it is what it is....I am not going to send her another until she responds. Why she has been dark for 24 hours? Who knows. It's on her at this point, I definitely don't think me asking her "Where she was from" turned her off after two emails but whatever. At that point you are simply trying to build a little bit of rapport so in lieu of sending nude pics of myself or cussing or whatever (which I didn't do) she doesn't appear to be over eager to respond.
The point is that I don't feel that I am the one playing games. I am simply reacting to the level of interest I am getting from the woman I am interacting with. To me they are not being straight forward.
Just a few updates......my daughters soccer game was cancelled last night because of all the rain we have had here in Texas. I think she has only played like 3 games so far this year....it has been really horrible. My oldest is slated to have a game on Thursday night but it is supposed to rain all day Wednesday so we shall see if they still have a game. I will miss their games this weekend since I will be out of town so it is definitely bittersweet.
No word from Blondy....I will reach out to her tomorrow and "check in". The other girl did respond back yesterday but I blew it with her. I asked her if she was ready for Halloween and if she had her costume picked out. Then I told her we walk around enjoying adult beverages while the kids trick or treat and its amazing. She never responded back. I guess she didn't like my Halloween comments.....man so sensitive. I guess some like to banter back and forth and others don't. I was just trying to steer the conversation away from all the mundane where are you from questions, etc. etc. etc. Oh well.......
Yep.....no expectations, easy come easy go. I just had a 33 yr old hit me up though so that makes everything a little better I seem to attract teachers for some reason......IDK what it is about me.
Then she isn't the woman for you, you didn't blow it. A bunch of us get together, pregame at the host's house, pack up the doggie stroller with booze and take the kids trick-or-treating! That's how we roll over here!
Right.....I mean that's the only way I can get through it. People are sooo sensitive these days. One girl doesn't like Ice Cube and the other isn't into Halloween. I mean really??????? Who doesn't like Ice Cube? SMH. Some people take themselves wayyyyyy to seriously!
Two days before my trip and I am started to get excited. I am visiting my two best friends that I have known since 1st grade so it should be some good man time. Friday night we are going to go see Skynyrd in concert so that should be interesting
On a side a note I should reach out and check in with blondy today but I am just not feeling it. Outside of the interest she showed on the date she still has not reached out one time. I don't expect her to blow up my phone but I guess I do expect something on her part. I know some girls won't engage until after 2 or 3 dates so IDK. I have given her plenty of space as the last time we chatted was a brief interaction on Friday.
On a side note I played basketball yesterday and some dude took my legs out from underneath of me and I landed awkwardly on my hip. I think it is a hip pointer or a deep bone bruise but I can barely walk and had to take the elevator this morning vs the steps up to my office. It's so fricken painful.
I think she does but what are YOU doing to build the attraction? It seems like your only method of building attraction is to be quiet, distant and "mysterious". That may work sometimes on some people but attraction can die just as fast if it's not nurtured. You have to do something to build attraction with her - like reaching out and saying something.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Well we have only been on one date in a month, she never initiates contact with me and when I do we usually just end up bantering back and forth with each other. Last night we shot about 4 messages back and forth about tank tops, tattoos, and me wearing her workout pants.
Me.....hey you how’s your week? It is raining again
Her......definitely not tank top weather you can borrow my workout pants instead lol
Me...so you shrunk my tank top and now it’s a midriff and now your wanting me to wear your work out pants? What is going on here?
It just continued liked like this for maybe 3 or 4 more messages then the convo ended through natural progression of me saying ha!!! to something she said and she didn’t respond back. I would initiate contact more of she was reaching out but she isn’t so I am just trying to read the signs she is giving off.
Obviously she is not ready to end it yet or ghost me so I am not sure what she is thinking other than she is casually dating or else she just wants me around for me to hit her up every 3 or 4 days. I am not purposely trying to be mysterious but I don’t think calling her every day or every other day is the way to go. I will reach out to her when I get back in town next week and ask her out I just thought yday was too soon. I also would rather build the attraction in person
So I don’t know what’s going with her but I am not worrying about it really. Maybe she just wants a f buddy and is determining if I can handle it or not, or she is casually dating and just wants to have fun, or I am option b or c and she is not really serious yet with her first option.
Again I am just trying to take it slow and read the signs she is giving off.
Honestly, it's all a bit weird, I am beginning to see what you are saying from the beginning. She still is only responding to you.
Interesting conversation.....
So, what are YOU looking for J? A F-buddy? Some casual sex? Something that could become a relationship? I don't know if what you are looking for ever became quite clear. I think you are up for taking what someone else is willing to give you?
Do you want a "play mate"? Because if you do, that's just fine. That's all I wanted when I first started dating. But decide what you want rather than what people are willing to give you.
Thanks G.....I would engage more if she was engaging me back. All of our conversations, the 3 or so that we have had since our first date are all like this. Just banter, nothing of substance. I will say she was asking me a lot of questions on the date, in person, touching my arm, we kissed, etc. so maybe that is all that matters. I sort of feel like these little check in texts that I am sending are exactly just that to get us through until the next time we see each other.
I don't think it's due to a lack of interest on her part because if it was there would be no reason for her to continue to respond to me. Just ghost me unless she is hoping I get the hint and just stop texting her all together. If that was the case though I don't think she would respond like she did with the bantering or she wouldn't respond as quick as she does. Does that make sense?????
I have interacted with enough girls in the past few month to get an understanding of what they are looking for through their actions. The girls that want a R or have extremely high interest will text you more, initiate contact, and look to spend hours on the phone chatting with you in an attempt to get to know you quicker. This girl does none of that which just signals to me that she is casually dating or is trying to mask her interest level due to her beliefs or maybe this is her game/strategy as well.
Now she is very successful financially so she definitely doesn't need a man to take of her in that way so I assume she might be looking for a casual f-buddy or maybe someone that she can hang out with and have fun. Which is why she is not pursuing me or trying to fast track dates, potentially seeing how hard I would push to get her into a relationship which if I did that she would run really fast.
I know that I am not ready to get married again, it would be nice to have a side piece for a bit to have some no strings attached sex but I would be open to a R to see where it goes as well. So I guess I am really open to whatever someone is willing to give so for me I just need to continue to work on keeping my expectations in check.
As far as my expectations go I feel I am still pretty centered. While I am journaling here I don't feel that I am wrapped up with her and have/am interacting with other woman. Unfortunately they don't like Halloween or Ice Cube
I think you are playing your cards right with this one. if she is attractive as you say and successful she has an abundance mindset and she doesn't need to reach out to guys.
I was talking to a girl (very attractive) from OLD who has been doing for six months. We were joking around exchanging texts and I said "are you asking me out on a date"? She replied " I don't ask men out on dates, I don't have to". She said she hasn't sent one message in OLD because she gets enough action without having to. Needless to say I discounted because of religion and it came out she doesn't sleep with a man for at minimum 10 dates. (good luck with that)
I can totally see why OLDing drives people who have expectations crazy. Bumble is so cruel. I matched with a hot 35 years old yesterday who lives in a 5 mile radius of me. It has the clock that counts down how much time she has to initiate a message. Brutal when the clock ran out lol. I have a date scheduled for Saturday and haven't heard from her in three days so we will see what happens.
Keep talking and dating other girls until you become exclusive with one of them. You know what coach says " When kitty cats compete J9 wins". LOL
Thanks L......I actually listened to a video from AMS strategies that was titled "Why doesn't she initiate contact in between dates". He said with girls like this never ask them out on back to back weeks because these girls are casually dating and have low interest. He said you can raise it with your game but if you start blowing up their phone, pursuing too hard, and trying to lock them down into a R they will dismiss you very quickly. IMO the only reason why I am still around is because of how I have been playing it. He also said with girls like this you call them once every 7 to 10 days but again never ask them out on back 2 back weeks until they start pursuing and initiate contact with you. These girls may start off just wanting to casually date but as you display your value and increase their interest level their attitude will change with what they want.
Yes....OLD is brutal in that regard. I have matched with several ladies on Bumble and have had the same thing happen. It actually happened 3 days ago. The only site I use any more is Match as that is where I have had all of my success. IMO you have to cater your strategy to what you feel the girl is looking for and "yes" if they are relatively attractive they have the abundance mindset. You just have to hope that most guys will be blowing up their phone after one date and if they are really into her trying to lock her down into a relationship.
As the coach says......woman are like cats and sometimes they just want to roam the neighborhood for a bit but eventually they will return
I hear ya....I have not waited his recommended 7 to 10 days for me that is too long. With this girl I have reached out about every 3 to 4 days. We texted yesterday so that was 4 days from our last interaction which I think generally falls in line with what the coach recommends I just didn't set a date because when I asked her last week for this week our schedules didn't line up. So I will probably reach out to her again on Monday (4 days) and see if we can set something up for next weekend. If she says she is busy then that would the 2nd time reaching out to her with not having a date so I think if that happens I will tell her to get back with me when she figures her schedule out.
[quote=Joseph9] Now she is very successful financially so she definitely doesn't need a man to take of her in that way so I assume she might be looking for a casual f-buddy or maybe someone that she can hang out with and have fun. Which is why she is not pursuing me or trying to fast track dates, potentially seeing how hard I would push to get her into a relationship which if I did that she would run really fast.
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I must be reading this wrong, J! Just because a woman has money means she is probably just looking for an F-buddy? Please tell me I am reading this wrong. Women don't pursue because they are looking for financial gain!
I'll tell you a secret of those single successful financial women. They work so hard and do so much and usually have to rely on themselves all the time for their success. Sometimes, they really just want a man to be there for them emotionally, snuggle up with them, let them take care of them for a bit..... so maybe that's why she isn't pursing you. She probably is always chasing people and the dollar, e specially in medical sales, she might like a little reverse in her personal life.
lol.....well hell G......I am not sure I can extricate myself from this one but I didn't mean it that way (my heart was in a good place) however I do know how it reads. If I upset I apologize, certainly not my intent.
You do know though that there are people out there who are in it for financial gain or want someone that makes more money than them. Heck on Match you can filter people out of your search based on income levels.
lol.....well hell G......I am not sure I can extricate myself from this one but I didn't mean it that way (my heart was in a good place) however I do know how it reads. If I upset I apologize, certainly not my intent.
You do know though that there are people out there who are in it for financial gain or want someone that makes more money than them. Heck on Match you can filter people out of your search based on income levels.
I think you assume too much about people's intentions or have too many preconceived notions.
There are cr@ppy people out there for sure. There are lots of gold diggers. Men and women alike. I dated a guy who owned a business when he was a boss at work but off the clock, he wanted to make no decisions, put no effort into anything, and what was easy for him is to use his money to make people happy. However, I didn't want that. I wanted someone to be present, engaged and take control sometimes. I wanted a partner, not a meal ticket.
J- I think you always come from good intentions. But I do worry about how you are approaching these women and trying to guess their intentions on a stereotype. Treat each woman and their circumstance as completely unknown until you get to know them.
Doing well....hip is much better, going to go for a run in a bit. The weekend with my buddies was awesome, we had a ton of fun and I am still recovering. I took today off to get some recoup time but then my youngest told me her tummy hurt and couldn't go to school today so I guess that ruined my plans
On the girl front I texted with blondy last night for about 45 mins last night and then she ended the convo saying she was going to bed to read. I still don't understand her as it has been 3 weeks since our first date but she still keeps on responding to my texts and bantering with me in conversation. She shows no sense of urgency to meet, never initiated but is still responding to me. I will hit her up on Tuesday and ask her out for this weekend and she how she responds. At this point I am not too confident and really her lack of initiation with me is starting to put me off a bit.
Something just feels off, like I am getting the slow phase out. She never initiates contact, our last two conversations have been really short and she never really asks anything about me. I just don’t think she is as into me as she was after our first date. It just feels that instead of her ghosting me or just telling me the truth I am getting the slow phase out with her hoping I read the signs. Part of me feels that if I never contacted her again that she would never initiate with me. Me being the only one to ever initiate is starting to turn me off.
She never initiates contact, our last two conversations have been really short and she never really asks anything about me.
I have a rule that I will send up to three messages asking questions and if she answers them without asking questions back I cease communication. If she doesn't ask questions in my mind she's not interested.
I hear ya L.....that is kind of where I am at with this one. She responds within 45 minutes but it's just superficial type of conversation. I was out of town all weekend, hit her up when I got back on Sunday night she just never inquired about what we did (she said it looks like we had a blast) and her never initiating conversation is getting really old. I sent her a couple of pics of the concert and she just ended the convo by telling me she was going to bed to read and to sleep well. I mean I hadn't spoken to her in 3 days I just thought there would be a little more...IDK, I guess I am just running out of patience combined with her lack of interest/initiating has me ready to just stop initiating contact with her.
I try to not have any expectations but I would expect someone that was really interested in me to at minimum be inquiring about how my day is, etc. So I think I am just ready to move on. I just feel like she should be proactively engaging me more.
Thanks guys......I am, I need more than what she is giving. I will just stop initiating and if she ever reaches out just go from there. Based on her past history I highly doubt that she does.
I am, it's ok. I just need something more than she is giving. If she was really interested and playing some game or whatever she will reach out. On a side note.....I have not been able to get out of bed in the morning this week to hit the gym. Maybe it is daylight savings time approaching or I am still recovering from my weekend but man I have not been able to get my body moving. I will try again tomorrow...............
I think you are doing the right thing. Like coach teaches women want to naturally bond and connect. I had a date on Saturday with a girl I had been talking to for a month. Due to logistics and her having a broken foot it took us that long to meet. We would text like twice a week. Well since our date she now texts me probably 5 times a day. If she was really interested in you she would reach out.
I just matched again with a girl on bumble who is beautiful but never would ask me any questions. I am going to give it another shot but if I get the same treatment she goes bye bye.
My ex is acting weird, I will post more if I think there is anything to it.
Nice L.....good for you. After what we have went through it is nice to have members of the opposite sex having interest. I matched with a 48 yr old on Bumble last night as well so we shall see if she reaches out to me within the window. I have had many conversations start and then end....maybe it was something I said or their interests changed but for me I am who I am and it wasn't supposed to work out for whatever reason.
I do feel it is a matter of time, just staying patient.
My X runs hot and cold.....she texted me this am and asked if our oldest had problems with her Halloween costume and then commented on how cute she is. Her BF has still not showed his face around any of our kid events so I really don't know the dynamics of their relationship. My kids also never mention him either and I don't inquire. She has done a really good job of respecting my boundaries of not wanting to know anything about him unless it involves our kids and she also has stepped up with the child support money and uses it to relieve additional financial burden on my part to the extent she can.
Her BF has still not showed his face around any of our kid events so I really don't know the dynamics of their relationship. My kids also never mention him either and I don't inquire.
I wonder if this is a defense mechanism or something related. My daughter mentioned XW's OM once, just after XW introduced OM to D and as they went to a "fancy place", I asked whether D had friends with her. She told me that they were with mum, S and a guy whose name she can't remember. After that I haven't heard a single comment about OM. D always actively lefts him out of the picture. Like now when they are moving, D just said "me, mom and S are moving". I have hard time believing she would be "protecting" me so I'm a bit worried that she's actively "removing" a part of her life. Hopefully it's nothing.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Well I hope not.....I know the are old enough to figure out that mommy has a BF and I can’t imagine my X would tell them to not talk about him around daddy so idk. I guess it really doesn’t matter because at some point someone is going to show their face. My guess is that they are not ready to take it to that level yet. My x is pretty selfish so I would be shocked if it had anything to do with me.
You kill me sometimes, J! You wanted to know nothing about OM, and here are speculating and everything is complete speculation! You ex doesn't mention him, your kids don't mention him, you can just go on and pay him no mind.
Sometimes people don't see it from the inside. So here I come shooting bullets to save you some grief, J! You got what you want, just ride with it!
LH, honest question out of pure curiosity and no judgement. If this woman on Bumble who never asks questions wasn't beautiful, would you be giving her one more chance?
LH, honest question out of pure curiosity and no judgement. If this woman on Bumble who never asks questions wasn't beautiful, would you be giving her one more chance?
Honestly no. We both know that beauty gets special privileges on both sides.
My BUMBLE girl never initiated contact with me so the match expired. That happens a lot to me on BUMBLE, I guess they can only chat with so many guys so it appears I wasn't option number 1. Oh well.
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
. However I just got the feeling that I needed to be careful, it was just an intuition. So my current plan is to reach out to her this Thursday or Friday and try to set something up for next week, maybe we can meet up after work one night for happy hour or dinner. I will be out of town over the weekend visiting my friends in Nashville. So I am trying to take it slow, not over pursue but also wanting her to know that I am interested.
