Alright so we texted for about 30 min with each other, I had to get my daughter to soccer practice so I had to cut it off and leave work. I found out that she is not going to Florida this weekend however I didn't ask her out, the timing just didn't feel right. Obviously she is still interested but outside of touching base with her nothing else was accomplished. We have a running joke about me wearing a tank top to the date so we had some banter about that topic and she told me she would put glitter on hers, wash it and give it to me. I told her she could give it to me when we meet up again. Any way I think I am going to let her sit for a bit and I will reach out to her fri or sat to make plans for next week. The convo was left open ended by the both of us with ttyl. I still don't think she will be reaching out to me, while she was upbeat, responsive, etc. I didn't pick up on that vibe.
Obviously she is still interested..... but any way I think I am going to let her sit for a bit and I will reach out to her fri or sat to make plans for next week.
Oh for crying out... we clearly are going to need a bigger 2 X 4!!!
At least we don't have to worry about harming that thick skull of yours! Ladies, do you want to finish off what I've T-d off here???????? Let's see if they pick up right where I left off - but spoiler alert Joseph, I would not wait until Friday!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joseph, if I was on the other end of the way you're acting, I would be very confused.
I'm one of those people who are super sensitive to other people's vibes, and I totally get where they are at and what they're about straight away, especially once I've met them. But I can also get those vibes of messages, emails...whatever. I also have a job where that is really important, so I'm using that skill all the time.
If someone's actions don't match up to what I'm feeling instinctively, it's very confusing. I might not be able to intellectually understand what it's about, but I can definitely feel it, and I know that I'm feeling it.
I would tend to stay away from anyone that I got that feeling from. I'd maybe keep them in the outskirts of my life, like as a vague acquaintance or something, but I'd not really wanting them any closer than that. Because there's something there that's inconsistent and really I don't trust that incongruity I'm getting off them.
They may be acting like that unconsciously, in which case it's about self preservation for me. They may be acting like that because they're following some sort of plan, in which case I'm thinking there may be some sort of game playing going on, and I'm not sure I want to be on the receiving end of that kind of calculation.
I don't really even need to have worked out work out why I'm feeling it. I know that if I'm feeling it, it's enough.
I want to weigh in here with what I have researched and am implementing and based on some of your posts.
You had a date Saturday and it went well. The following Sunday would have been to long to reach out. Yesterday was probably too early. IMO Wednesday would have been fine.
Early on in the courtship the man should do most of the pursuing. The goal in the beginning is to try to set one date per week and try not to do or say anything to talk her out of liking you. Obviously the more chit chat going back and forth over text the more chance you have to screw up or she takes something the wrong way. Now I know in the past you have mentioned you have pi$$ed some girls off over text so you have to be extra careful.
Once maybe twice a week a "hey how is your day going" text is not going to get you in any trouble.
Eventually as time goes on and she starts to feel safe and comfortable with you she will reach out more. When she does, assume she wants to see you and set the next date.
Remember, this is suppose to be fun. Your words "kid in a candy store". If you over analyse you will most likely take the fun out of it and more than likely do something to screw things up.
Thanks L.....I don't want to get into this idle chit chat stuff as I agree with your assessment. Yesterday was more of a "hows your day going" text as we only exchanged about 3 messages between the both of us. She indicated that she was not going out of town this weekend but then followed it up with I am just going to spend time with my son. So to me that indicates not open for business this weekend. I didn't get the feeling she was annoyed by my text as we did exchange banter back and forth...she also ended the conversation with a ttyl . However I just got the feeling that I needed to be careful, it was just an intuition. So my current plan is to reach out to her this Thursday or Friday and try to set something up for next week, maybe we can meet up after work one night for happy hour or dinner. I will be out of town over the weekend visiting my friends in Nashville. So I am trying to take it slow, not over pursue but also wanting her to know that I am interested.
I don't think going long period of not contacting her is a problem for her as I didn't reach out to her for 9 days after our initial conversation and she agreed to go on a date with me. I then set the date on Wed of last week for Saturday and didn't call her on Saturday at all to confirm. She did send me a text to let me know she was on her way and I told her I was at the bar and that I was wearing a white tank top. That is how our tank top joke got started.
So maybe a small misstep yesterday but not something that I can't recover from but my strategy before the first date was working fine so in my mind if it's not broke don't fix it or change things up too much.
J9, I honestly do NOT get the sense that you are a player. I actually get the sense that you are a pretty genuine guy. I also get the sense that you are fairly black and white, which is not overly surprising, as men tend to be more so than women. However, your most recent post about texting her and the ensuing chit chat seem to me (and this is solely my opinion, so if it is wrong, then so be it) to be exactly why women label men as "players". I still think you are way over-thinking this deal. Honestly, I don't understand why the "rules" about when texting is "right" or too soon/too late or whatever. Just like Don was saying (maybe on someone else's post, but still applies here) that men can sense when women are too needy, women can sense when men are playing games. Now, don't get me wrong, the game playing goes both ways (as does the whole neediness thing, for the record), but seriously, you are putting WAY too much thought into all of this. I think Focus already said to you something about women sensing things so I concur with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you don't sense things as well. From your posts, you strike me as a pretty intelligent man. From my standpoint as a single woman, if a man expresses an interest in me and asks me on a date and I enjoy it, I would behave very much like the lady you are talking to did. I'm not at all aggressive. And, to be honest, your date with her very much mirrors my first date with Sparky. We met online, chatted for a bit, met for lunch for our first official date, had a BLAST and when he walked me to my car at the end of the date, he said that he'd like to do it again and I told him I'd very much like that as well. Then, later in the day, after I got off work, we texted back and forth a bit and we actually ended up making a date for the very next day. I say all that to say that I just don't think there are as many rules as you think there are. Sometimes you just have to go with gut instincts and feelings. Now, I don't need a text every day from someone, but honestly, after that first date with Sparky, if he had waited a whole week before he even spoke to me again, I would've wondered what I had done wrong or whom he had met in the meantime that he liked better than me.
LH just mentioned that Monday texting was "too early". Why? Why is there a timeline? I guess that is what keeps hanging me up about your posts, J9. I don't understand the need for a specific timeline and all this over-thinking. If you feel like chit-chatting, reach out. If you don't, don't. I'm not saying you should force anything so that it comes across as fake, but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, just relax and go with the flow. EVERY little detail does NOT have to be planned out. I, obviously, see things from a woman's point of view so maybe the difference is how men view things vs. how women view things. Not sure.
Having said all that, I really am rooting for you, J9. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a nice lady to date or whatever else you are looking for.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
D - Your right I am not, I am a one woman man...that's my nature. The funny thing is that I am not really putting too much thought into but when I post something about my OLD experiences and what I am going to do etc. people respond and turns it in to more than what I intended it to be. So then I respond because they took their time to respond to me and then it gets started.
So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
I know some will disagree with all of this and that's fine but just remember our DBing principals or strategies we deployed as the LBS. IMO there is no difference, everyone has a different philosophy or strategy that they use and those strategies/this board from MWD brought us all together (we could have chose to go follow someone else if we wanted). To a certain extent everyone plays a game. This woman for whatever reason is not initiating contact with me but it is obvious she is interested. Maybe she is playing a game????
[quote=Joseph9]D - So I agree Sunday would have been too long. The general direction that men receive from OLD dating coaches, etc. is that you want to give the woman time and space to miss/wonder about what the man is doing. Also most woman already have an abundance mindset and generally they are getting hit up by multiple men so you need create value as a man because as a man you are already far behind the woman based on the number of interactions she is getting from other men. Meaning that woman get far more men reaching out to them than men have from woman reaching out to them. So by nature women already have an abundance mindset and can take it or leave it because if 1 man doesn't work out she knows there are 50 others waiting on her. If a man reaches out too much then she starts to think he is needy, desperate, thirsty, etc. I also live in Dallas so there is a lot more to chose from as well.
Truthfully....I could chit chat all day. I could text her right now and say Good Morning but that doesn't mean I should. It would be nice if you could skip all the strategy stuff but that doesn't seem to be the case. There are a couple of dating coaches out there that subscribe to and recommend the theory of the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. And that if a woman is not initiating contact you reach out 1 time per week to set a date and that is it. If she reaches out to you assume she wants to meet and make a date. If you do this initially, over time the woman will eventually start to reach out as it is in her nature to want to connect, etc.
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This is so not true from my point of view. Maybe I am the odd one?
The more interactions, the more someone would have to capture my attention. And no, staying quiet does not capture my attention. I lose interest. If the interest is mutual, please do not give me time and space to wonder in the beginning. I'll figure you aren't interested and move on. When you have a mutually good date and want to see eachother again, I want that guy to reach out and make that happen.
I have had dates where the interest is on their side, but not on my side. That's when I don't want him to reach out. But if the interest is mutual? I want that text! I want you to ask me out again! I don't need mystery and yearning, and guessing. Take the lead!
I think these so called dating coaches are making things worse. Sheesh.
I think it depends on what the woman is looking for G. If she is looking for a relationship or has an extremely high interest level then she will reach out, she will initiate, etc.. If the woman is casually dating and/or has a medium/low interest level then as a man you are going to need to raise it by taking measured steps to make that happen. So once you figure out what the woman is looking for, by reading the signs she is giving off you can determine what strategy you need to deploy because they are never the same depending on the woman.
Again.....from the dating coaches not J9's philosophy.
. However I just got the feeling that I needed to be careful, it was just an intuition. So my current plan is to reach out to her this Thursday or Friday and try to set something up for next week, maybe we can meet up after work one night for happy hour or dinner. I will be out of town over the weekend visiting my friends in Nashville. So I am trying to take it slow, not over pursue but also wanting her to know that I am interested.