Well Friday CMM had his first chemo treatment. Really no side effects so far except napping more than usual. I'm not sure if this is good or bad - it's nice he's not having side effects, but seems like he should be have no more if it was actually killing tumor cells.
Saturday we got rear-ended while stopped at a light. I'm afraid my faithful little Toyota Matrix is no more - they will total it as both rear quarter panels are linked and bumper is broken - those repairs would far exceed the 2-3,000 value of the car. I had hoped to keep drivingbit for a couple more years, this is not a good time financially for me to be buying a new car as my alimony ends in February and I'm still helping one child in grad school. But it is what it is. Luckily I'm not hurt (the mystery is, how did my Key break off in the ignition but my knee is unhurt? Not even a bruise).
CMM had some back pain (he had previous low back surgery years ago) and pain over his lung surgery site but seems pretty ok today. Luckily the crumple zones crumpled as designed and absorbed considerable impact.
Some of you may remember that years ago I had a brief fling with a French Moroccan guy who was way too young but became a good friend. He works for a dealership and is trying to find me a deal on a RAV4 - I could use the bigger cargo space for transporting my vibraphone and drums.
Grateful to be unhurt. Sad to say goodbye to my little car - that was my first post-separation purchase and had some great memories.
I am so sorry to read that you got rear ended. I hope both of you are okay. Sometimes aches and pains don't show up for a day or so. RAVA4 is a nice vehicle and hopefully your friend can assist you in getting one at a good deal. Actually, this is the time of the year that dealerships have some great deals.
Glad to hear that your heart transplant friend is doing great. I hope he continues improving.
If CMM isn't having any side effect yet, could it be the dosage wasn't strong enough or maybe he's not telling you if he is? I hope he's feeling a bit better today. I know that you are watching over him and taking excellent care of him. I just wish his kids would come around and at least communicate w/him. It's got to be difficult and depressing for him to know that they won't.
Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My goodness, but you seem to be having quite the unlucky streak. Positive thoughts and vibes coming your way, kml.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Well the first round of chemo is often the best tolerated, and they did give him an infusion of something to control nausea for 48 hours so that may be why he is doing so well. He's definitely tired though and more so today.
He's not a guy who is used to being taken care of (doesn't seem like his ex did that) and of course, having a Y chromosome, he's very uncomfortable with being debilitated. He's very grateful though for the care.
Well the third day after chem things got rougher, nausea and fatigue got worse, but tolerable. He had a bad couple of days but has been improving yesterday and today.
I'm still contemplating contacting his daughters and have drafted a note, but am going to sit on it for a week and think. I hope they will contact him first. IF I were to send it - not sure that I will - this is what I plan to say: (Opinions welcome)
Information about your father: Hi, I’m sorry to barge in like this but feel like I have information you need to know. I’m a personal friend of your father’s, and although I am not HIS treating physician, I am a practicing physician myself. I met your father in June and have been helping him through his treatment.
I know that you girls are estranged from your father although I do not exactly know why. That’s not my business. But I wanted to make sure that you have all the information you need to make informed decisions about your relationship with him. I know from my ex-husband’s family that the burden of being estranged from a parent can be greater on the child than just having a polite, if distant, relationship. I just want you to have the facts about his condition.
Your father’s lung cancer is now Stage IIIB. I try to help him keep an optimistic attitude, and I tell him what I tell my patients – “statistics are statistics but there is no cancer so bad that SOMEONE hasn’t survived it, and that may be you”. Still, you should know that his prognosis is rather dire. His tumor grew rapidly during the month from first diagnosis to start of chemo. Generally his type and stage of tumor has only a 5-10% 5 year survival rate, and a median survival with treatment of only 13 months (meaning there’s a 50% chance he may die before 13 months.) His odds may be worse because of the rapid growth we’ve seen and statistically because he is male and African-American.
He is awaiting genetic marker tests on the tumor which may help them decide if he is a candidate for one of the newer immunotherapy drugs. If so, that may extend his life, although they don’t always work. Also, we did send off a genome test which will hopefully let us know if he has a hereditary form of lung cancer – this is rare but it is suspicious that his father was also a nonsmoker who had lung cancer. This test won’t be back for another month or so. If there is anything genetic that you girls need to know for your own health I will be able to share that with you.
Please don’t tell your father that I contacted you. I just wanted you to understand that if you do hope to have any type of closure with your father, time is of the essence. You can email me at XXXXXXXXX if you need to contact me for any reason.
I think this is very well written. I think pretty much anyone who reads it should get an accurate view of where things stand. There are only a couple things I question or at least want to ask you about. You may have reasons for using the wording you have and for omitting what you have but just in case:
1. You make it seem like there is zero romantic involvement with you and their father. That really is not true. There may well be a reason you stated things this way. I just would not want them to think you are trying to shade the truth. Is it possible they will know or figure out that you are more than just someone who met and are helping him through this? I think that might be at least in the ballpark for you, but we know for him, he's in love with you. I'm not suggesting you need to say that, just worry about anything that they might see as not being forthcoming.
2. I think it's great that you included the genetics and heredity piece to it. That makes it more personal to them and show's more care for them. That said, should you be including something about how sorry you are to have to tell them, that this is happening, etc.? In other words, should you be a bit more personal and compassionate with them or are you purposely trying to be more "clinical" for lack of a better term.
Otherwise, I think it's very well written and even if not immediately, I do think at some point it needs to be sent and then as I said before, let them do what they wish right up until the end is very near - when I'd give them one last chance to say goodbye.
Now, KML, how are YOU doing with all of this? CMM hit the jackpot meeting you! Perhaps the Lord brought you into his life. Whatever or however the case, he's so very lucky. However, it's got to be hard on you as well. While you see patients die all of the time I'm sure, you are not dating them. This is just so much looking like at least one of my friends. While in his case he was a smoker 20 or more years ago and there was family history, it really was a shock to him and everyone else. He started at IIIb and then became stage 4 after the other lung became involved. He survived about 10 weeks. Another friend at stage 4 is into her third year. You just never know. Still, it's got to be hard for you. I hope you're still taking care of yourself in all of this and again CMM is at least in some ways, a very lucky guy. Let's hope that luck continues.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I still don't know that I would ask them not to tell their father. That is the part where I didn't like it. I can see why coming from a physician and being able to paint a more accurate picture helps. I like that you didn't rub in their faces that you are with their dad given the situation. I think you come off very physician-like and say enough that they should suspect there is something more to the friendship.
I was never estranged from my dad, but he died from esophageal cancer and no one told us that he was very near the end. It was awful. We were unprepared. You are giving them the chance to say what they need to say. If they choose not to do so, they may bear extra grief from not reaching out if he doesn't make it, but they will have had the chance.
I would send it as is, but for the end. Maybe say, I know how sorry your father is for the estrangement and wants very much to make things right with you both, but he does not know that I am writing to you. If you are unable to reach out to your dad or would like more information, please contact me at ________________. My best to you in this difficult time. I also wouldn't talk to them about closure, etc. They can make that determination themselves without thinking someone who has known him only a few months is telling them how to feel.
