Thanks neffer - hugs are in high demand here. And pretty rare IRL.
Dinner was good as was the gravy. I did it much differently than my ex but then, she never cooked duck. It was perhaps a bit richer than what we are used to but both S24 and I liked it.
As expected there was far too much food so there will be left-overs for a while.
I did cave and message CL a "Happy Thanksgiving". She and her kids went out to a restaurant saying that they are "avoiding holidays".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am sorry on how the holidays stir up emotions - missing family, the big empty house, yep I got that too. You know it will pass and will be better.
I understand your frustration with CL. Remember what is causing it - not her. Your expectations are different than what she is or can provide right now.
Dating is different in regards to expectations. You should have some realistic expectations, the mantra of keep expectations to zero does not apply here. If a potential relationship does not meet them, that’s ok. However, you deserve better and unmet expectations is a pretty good sign to gracefully and gently let her go and date someone else. I think from your posts you are feeling this.
Take care,
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your dinner sounded delicious. The holidays do tend to raise the emotions for us, but it will pass in time.
As for CL, she's got a lot going on in her life right now and needs to concentrate on the divorce, her children, and of course, herself. It's nice that you touch base w/her, but I would suggest that you back off a bit and allow her to contact you periodically. Yes, you are doing it as a friend, but it may be putting a bit of pressure on her to respond back when she's got other things that she needs to focus on. Andrew, she knows that you are there and a friend...but it's time to give her the space she needs and when she's ready, she'll contact you.
She may not be ready for a relationship for quite some time. Are you willing to wait? If not, then maybe it's time to leave the door ajar and let her go and continue dating elsewhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah - you are both quite probably right. I've not bothered contacting her today with my previously usual "good morning". Perhaps she'll notice, perhaps not. Perhaps she'll care, perhaps not. I had only contacted her once for the entire long weekend as well.
I have indeed decided to step back but not necessarily away.
I am indeed struggling today and it took effort to drag myself in to work. I almost didn't. I hear echos of the dark times that I'd rather not remember. Not related to CL - but most likely just as you both mention - big empty house that used to be full of love. Another year coming to a close.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Not all "db'ish" related - but I need somewhere to explore this as I often do so off it goes. This is where I miss someone to come home to to talk to. S24 listens from time to time but just sort of nods and waits for me to be done. My ex was always so busy talking about her own drama that I would rarely get a word in edgewise.
Yesterday was busy. I was blind-sided by a conference call with the new company to talk about integrating computer systems. What I thought had been discussed and agreed to was suddenly not the path being taken. Since I had no background, I asked for a separate call after I could do my research.
This may sound "bad" and my ex would often get upset at me for it because she hated it when I "tooted my own horn", but I do indeed consider myself to be one of the best in the world at doing what I do. Part of that beyond more years of diverse experience than I care to think about is the fact that not very many people do do what I do - at least not the specific combination of skill sets which are both diverse and unique. Most people of my experience and skill level have moved on to executive positions but for a variety of reasons I'm still the guy on the front lines making stuff happen. Unlike some people who believe that they are not appreciated for their awesomeness (like my ex) I do know that I am well respected by all I work with and that is in part one of the things that got me through some very dark times knowing that even if my now ex was chasing after something "better" that there were lots of people who wanted me around for my professional skills.
One down side of this is that it makes people senior to me in the organization but junior to me in experience nervous. So I was annoyed but unsurprised when my boss who was also on the call requested one of his "hench-men" to also be on the next call - quietly and he thought discretely.
The call happened more or less as scheduled this morning. We covered off the issues, got a bit side-tracked but overall it was productive. My boss it turned out had called in to the phone bridge but - as he has done before - sat there silent not commenting except once towards the end where we were all surprised he was there.
Grumble.
Another thing that happened today was that the floor plan for our new offices was revealed as was the move date. Nov 1st. Rather short notice. On the floor plan 2 places were identified for the team that I'm on. The team contains 3 people. I did study to be a mathematician (no degree) and even I could figure out what that means.
I got a call in the afternoon from one of the team members who has been "very" worried and he told me that he had actually approached the other side of the partial merger and been politely rebuffed. The thought of doing this myself had crossed my mind but for a variety of practical and political reasons I never did. I figured that if they were interested, it would be best if they approached me and that it wouldn't be done until all the dust had cleared. I do hope my colleague hasn't shot himself in the foot with this bone-head move. I was much more polite talking to him and do have very real concerns myself.
I have had more than a few people at a variety of levels including fairly senior express the wish that I shift to the buy-out company with them. Having been a student of both Sun Tzu and Machiavelli I've certainly been positive but non-committal about this. This is not a time like during my divorce to burn the boats on the beaches. There is more than one path to the future.
I'm working on adding value to the company beyond my actual job description (which I have ignored for my entire working life) and it seems to be going well for me. But nothing in this world is guaranteed. I think anyone reading this would agree.
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Changing tack here, S24 had asked me on Monday if we could do driving practice on Tuesday. When I got home, he wasn't keen on it but we went out and he did fairly good. He did take one corner rather fast which had me clenching parts of my anatomy - but that is one advantage of doing this on an old beat-up car.
I took advantage of the time trapped in the car inspired by a recent posting by DnJ to do something that is unusual and difficult with him. We talked. I asked about his job - he's not real happy and is thinking of looking for something else. We talked about some of the options available to him and he's already pursued a few. One of the good but surprising things is that this part of Ontario has the lowest unemployment rate in the entire province so at least for now he has options.
We talked about him getting his license and various options for him there. I was surprised when we were talking about needing new snow tires for the old car when he volunteered to pay half.
A key thing that I wanted to talk about is the fact that I've been "down" lately and why. I told him that it's a big ole house and that lately it feels rather empty especially considering the time of year. I did mention that things were on hiatus with CL which seem to be quite a surprise to him. Even if he's rather selfish and self-centered, he did learn compassion and does have a kind heart and I think that my comments brought my recent moods into context for him.
I wasn't looking for help and he has been cutting me a lot of slack lately but I just wanted him to know that yeah - I still struggle and don't always do it well.
No idea if any of this gets passed back to his mother or not but that doesn't really matter. I did have a very vivid dream of reconciliation again last night but given everything else, that's not a surprise. It's also not something that I have any expectation of happening.
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On trivial but interesting to me matters, I took the pan dripping from the Thanksgiving duck and separated out the duck fat. I've been assured that it has 1001 uses around the kitchen and so will be cubing it and freezing it while I figure out what those uses are. Even though my culinary skills are pretty basic and modest, I'm rather proud of what I can accomplish. The bones are boiled and after I finish here, I'll separate out the meat and broth and bones in preparation to make duck stew this weekend.
We had an amazingly mild or even hot day today. I got a nice walk in at lunch, about 4 1/2 km and then cut the grass after work. Since it was the last time of the season, I siphoned off the last of the gas in the lawnmower gas tank for use in the snow-blower (and since it's a bad idea for it to sit). Fortunately I have some beer to help deal with the taste of gas as I'm not as good at siphoning as I perhaps should be
Dawn may be interested - if she managed to read this far down - that I'm doing an experiment with my kitchen compost. I have a "big" compost heap which is snow fence around about 400 cubic feet of space. The kitchen compost is mainly in a 40 gallon plastic barrel with vent holes. Much of what is in there is sloppy goo but I want some nice compost for the spring for my flower beds so today I added in a large amount of grass clippings / shredded leaves from the lawn mower plus perhaps 2 lbs of icing sugar of uncertain vintage that I will never have a use for. Presuming that the composter and the shed next to it doesn't explode I may have some very rich compost in the spring.
I heard from SIL1 today complaining that my ex continues her multi-week silence on social media. Knowing that she's been down to see D26 and had (presumably) a nice Thanksgiving dinner with her son that is also surprising to me. If I knew what was going on in the mind of my ex for these past few years though, I wouldn't be here.
Nothing directly from CL. She did a rare for her post to FB today. A meme about being tough and getting through stuff. A few hours late I noticed and pressed "like". When I was new here I would make a big deal out of such things. Now, it's not a big deal.
One thing that I've not mentioned here before which I will for a minor giggle is one of the complications of being an available guy on social media. There is a lady who S24 has instructed me that I'm not allowed to date. In learning more about her he may well be right. Humorously but perhaps somewhat unkind, her last name rhymes with "stalker" and I smile because within an hour or so of me posting anything to Instagram, there she is. She is quite pretty, age appropriate and has been divorced after her most recent short marriage for a year or so more than me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am sorry you are experiencing some feelings of “down”, the big ole house feeling does press on oneself.
I was quietly reading your post at 6:10 this morning, everyone else asleep, the house quiet except the whirl of the furnace fan and the fridge purring away. Then read:
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Presuming that the composter and the shed next to it doesn't explode I may have some very rich compost in the spring.
Ha ha. Totally off guard over here and a full out loud laugh. In this quiet still environment it sounded so loud! I must have woke someone up, still heavy footfalls were heard from upstairs soon after.
I do understand your stress at work, and from my point of view you have made good decisions regarding your future. I agree that allowing the new company to approach you would be a better tact. I also studied math and can see the floor plan and current staff misalignment. I do hope the best for you.
Wow, I am glad my rambling of having a talk with my D16 when driving as helped. I think it is good for them and you to not focus too “fully” on driving, a little distraction calms everyone involved. They are also in control of the car, having a conversation then also puts them in control of it, something they do not feel elsewhere. Just watch out for those fast corners.
I too miss having someone to explore ideas with. Here is pretty good, lots of good people. Talking to yourself is ok as well, but people look at you funny. So I keep that for the commute.
Hope today is a good one.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
kml - LOL - I think I'm in a non-finite sample group at this point. There's a lot of noise in the data making a good statistical analysis difficult
Still cruising along the bottom part of the roller-coaster but doing reasonably well.
A fair bit of news from the last couple of days to share. Liz is curled up around the tea-pot so if you don't have a fresh cuppa you're perhaps out of luck.
One of my best friends is having a tough time right now. He's on the other side of the corporate merger and coincidentally is the primary buyer for the product line that my side manufactures and packages. We joke a fair bit about that "my prices will amaze you!" but are pretty careful to not have a conflict of interest. He, and a fair number of others are very nervous about their careers as everyone expects some downsizing. He is very competent and well respected so I hope he'll be OK. He has a lot of anger going on though and I do worry from time to time that it will get the better of him.
He presented me with an ethical conundrum on Friday that I am struggling with. Despite in past times referring to her as a "stupid cow", he and my friend WL seem to be bonding. Perhaps over their common friendship with me. There certainly isn't anything untoward going on that I can detect. On Friday my friend told me that WL had asked him for a small loan so that she can take a course. She is very unhappy about where she is being slotted into the new organization. It was a bit of a red flag for me about her over-all being as she's 42, lives with her parents and the amount being talked about is fairly small. She's not approached me about a loan so it's not my problem. My friend and I both have been helped by the kindness of others both in material and emotional ways so it's difficult to step away from a friend in need.
It also made me think that this is yet another example on how I could make problems go away for a lady that I'm attracted to. Something that I'm not in the business of any more.
I did have a chance on Friday as well to talk to another friend who happens to be fairly senior in the finance group. I did express to him my concerns about my future and he responded with a look of complete horror and rapid assurances that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Being as he's the guy who does the budgets I think that I can trust his comments. As much as I can trust anything.
I'd been working with another very nice lady who I think is interested in me at work. She's quite nice. Right after she heard about my separation she suggested that we "hang out". She's a couple of years older than me and has been single her entire life. In the 15 years I've known her I can't even recall her dating although she is a moderately private person and I don't pry. She's also been very positive on the contribution that I've been making to both sides of the acquisition. She lives in downtown Toronto and there was a concern about conflict of interest as we work(ed) on related projects not to mention the logistics of dating someone who lives so far away. She is like everyone else worried about her own future but I think that she'll very likely be fine. She may chose to quit though as there are no offices for her to work in that are close to her home and she hates commuting.
One thing that crosses my mind from time to time is that even with the support payments that I make I could indeed probably support a stay-at-home wife and a kid or two. At least if S24 stopped emptying the fridge. I do think though that I would want any new partner to have an income that at least covers the expenses that they would incur. Cold-hearted perhaps but practical.
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I did reach out to CL on Saturday morning with a short note. I told her that I "wasn't a ghost" but that I just didn't want to be an "unwelcome distraction". She responded back as I was getting ready to head out that she would welcome a distraction. Gears spun, priorities were balanced and I wrote back that after I was done groceries the rest of the weekend was available and that perhaps we could hit a farmer's market close to where she lived. That got a response listing all the things she had pre-planned for the weekend and regrets. The biggest thing is that her kids are struggling and fighting all the time. Her S13 is being especially difficult. I responded with a "no problem - we'll figure something out later" and she thanked me for being understanding.
Thinking about it, it's probably good that I've not sent her flowers. That would be very confusing for her kids, probably especially her son. At this point I'm not going to mention the stag and doe in 2 weeks. She did text me late last night letting me know about a production of Man of LaMancha on at a local theatre suggesting that S24 and I might like it. I thanked her and said that I'd check it out.
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Congratulations to those who have read along this far. Yesterday morning I used up the last of the left-over mashed potatoes as potato pancakes. I mixed an egg, a small bit of flour and some pepper and garlic in. I felt quite clever when scooping it out with a small measuring cup which gave me a ball on the frying pan which I pressed flat. Topped it with the tomato jam from a friend. Feeling proud of my accomplishment, I posted a picture on Instagram which in a few minutes had a like first from Stalker Lady's daughter and then the lady herself.
I was a bit surprised a bit later when getting my scone to see SL working in the kitchen of the cafe helping out on an astoundingly busy day. She does work there from time to time doing some of the baking mid-week when the cafe isn't open. The cafe was featured recently in an airline magazine and in the "Butter Tarts & Buggies Fall Frolic Tour" that is going on this weekend so it being jammed wasn't a surprise. SL really wanted to chat but both as they were crazy busy and because I'd been told that she has ADD and has difficulty focusing and getting stuff done, I kept it short and headed home after telling my friend the owner that if she was struggling to make it home that I had wine chilling in the fridge to sustain her for the next 3 blocks. She didn't stop and she never does - but it's fun to joke around - both of us staying very carefully on the friend side of this lovely and married woman.
At the flower shop I had a nice chat with the lady there who seemed surprised and slightly flustered as she was explaining how to tell how good a rose was that I said - well you know far more about that than me. I think she perhaps doesn't think of herself as an expert on things? Or perhaps is used to men talking down to her? Her S6 was off with his dad and I almost suggested going out later but didn't (where did I put that courage?). I mentioned that I had been starting to buy Halloween candy and suggested that I bring some in for her son and she was very keen on that. It seems that the chocolate coins I usually pack are a big hit with him.
I did stop by the local auto-wreckers and was able to score a new set of snow tires for half the price I was given for new. I'm getting those put on next weekend.
At home I spent far too much time putting in a new outlet for moving the internet router from the front bedroom I use as a home office to the hall closet. Much of the time was used up trying to fish the phone cable up from the basement. For some reason my fish tape wasn't going up the wall cavity. After much frustration, I cut the doorbell wire that goes through the same spot, pulled a string down with it and then both the doorbell wire and phone cable back up. I then spliced the doorbell back together. Not the preferred method. S24 watched the boxes when I restored power and the house didn't burn down so that's good. A second test with my circuit tester indicated that all the wires were connected properly. I'm debating getting a technician in from the phone company to finish the hook-up or doing it myself. I re-wired this entire big house by myself when we moved in nearly 30 years ago. I'm surprised at how much it took out of me to do this one simple job. I felt exhausted afterwards.
Part of why I want to move the router is the outside chance that I'll need this room as a bedroom in case I hook up with a woman who has more than 2 kids. Optimistic perhaps. But what the heck.
When tidying up the mess from the wiring job, I was very shocked to come across my ex-wife's old pool cue in it's case in the closet tucked in behind some camping equipment. I can't understand how it got missed and was sure that I had put it in the front porch 2 years ago for her to take. I took it up to S24 to hand over to her.
There was also a phone call on Friday morning from the retirement home that my ex's (deceased) parents were in. No message although S24 might have dealt with it. I expect that it was just them trying to reach my ex with an out of date phone number. This sort of stuff will probably happen for many more years.
On the ex-wife front there is pretty much nothing. I drove past her apartment on my way to work on Thursday and her car wasn't there in the morning but that could mean anything. She's silent still on social media but I was told that she was tagged in the city that OM lives in at a restaurant with a friend. I sent her her monthly payment yesterday and if she's true to form, she won't pick it up until the 15th when it is due.
----------------- A friend had sent me a link to a job opening at the sign factory in my village that he thought I might be interested in. It's a pretty junior position and TBH if the world hadn't changed dramatically 2 1/2 years ago, I might have taken it. If not for my ex-wife's affair, the house would be pretty much paid off and I would be considering cruising into retirement. A significant cut in pay wouldn't be a problem.
While checking out the job though I noticed that the same factory had just posted an opening in their production line. I immediately brought it to S24's attention and he's going to apply. Since it was buried online and hasn't been in the paper as yet and was just posted 2 days ago, he should be at the front of the line. He seemed pretty keen on it.
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This post or one more will quite probably end this thread. I'm still more or less on the path that I was on when I started this thread and so will continue in the direction intended. I'm not "up" like I hoped to be but that's ok. I'm not as down as I was several days ago when I did feel like collapsing into a puddle.
It's a beautiful fall day here. I think I'll put out my bird feeder today. I have to build a shelf to hold the router in the closet - it's nice doing the more traditional AndrewP tasks around the house. I miss a lot of the puttering and fixing and such that I used to have the luxury of time to do. My tea-pot is now empty. The cat has gone off to rest after her exertions of sleeping next to the tea-pot and I need to head over to the cafe to see what soup they have for my lunch.
Laundry, ironing and perhaps steak for Sunday supper. It's been a couple of weeks since we had that.
a bien-tot mes ami.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
