Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Previous Thread:

Moving On To The Bright Side Part 6

Time for a new thread, the journey continues!



Last edited by job; 09/24/18 09:02 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well I guess my XW and her BF got back together. I found out last night as my youngest one called me and said they were taking his dog for a walk. Who knows and I don't care........

On the girl front.....the blonde from last week reached out to me yesterday apologizing for not getting back with me over the weekend. I assume she had a crappy date on Friday/Saturday night so I responded with asking her out which she accepted. She gave me her number to use if I preferred to text so we bantered back and forth for about an hour last night. She is going to be out of town in Florida for the majority of this week and I have my girls next week so we probably won't be able to meet up for 1.5 weeks at the most. It is what it is and if she is really interested she will wait.

The other girl texted me last night and we chatted for about 10 min. I could tell she really wasn't into it and I felt like she did it just to follow through with what she told me on Sunday that she would today. It also felt like she was trying to slow things down so I assume she has tapped the breaks due to other guys and trying to weed through the ones she wants to pursue. She recently just back on-line so I assume she is getting blasted.

I will say the conversation and banter with the first girl has been much better than with the second. Anyway all is good now I just sit back and wait.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
You should buy a belt hook key holder and leave it and her BFs front door as an anonymous tip. hehehehe


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
LOL......sounds like he came crawling back and they made up. I do wonder what the dynamics are of their relationship. It does sound like he is a nice guy and is good with my girls so for that I am truly grateful. I heard through the grapevine that he doesn't drink or cuss and knowing my XW I assume he is putting up with quite a bit. Again my assumptions however I know how she is since I was with her for 17 years and I highly doubt she has changed. None of my business but at times I am curious.

Hit the gym this am...had a good workout. Had another girl reach out to me this morning that I am on the fence about. The girl I was talking to over the weekend has went kind of cold on me. She did give me her number and we texted for about 10 min or so on Monday but when I asked her about meeting up she didn't provide me with a firm commitment. Then yesterday, around 4 or so I get a random text from her asking how my day was. I responded to her and asked her a question but never heard anything back from her the rest of the evening. Whatever but I guess that is the world of OLD.

I did not hear from the blonde from last week either after our exchange on Monday but I didn't think I would. I will let that one sit for a few days and reach out to her over the weekend or something. She is out of town anyway at a conference through late Saturday.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Had a great weekend.....went out with my neighbor last week, stayed out until after midnight and was pretty tired the next day. We went out to eat and then hit up a local establishment and played some darts. Made no female connections however it was still a great time and I was hurting the next morning.

Watched football over the weekend, my daughters had soccer games on Saturday. My youngest and her team got smoked however my oldest won her game and she scored 2 goals so that was fun. I did nothing on Friday night and Saturday went over to a friends for a bit and then took myself out to dinner. I don't have any problems going out alone, I sat at the bar watched some football, had dinner and a couple of drinks.

Hit the gym Friday and Saturday....didn't do anything yesterday but went this morning and got a good workout in. I have my girls this week and they sang in church yesterday morning. The X did not go although she said was going to. I think something came up because and now that I think about it she pulled a fast one on me. She originally said she was going to the 11 am service and would drop them off at choir practice at 4:30 and I would pick them up at 6. Yesterday morning she texted me and said the girls wanted to come over after church and told her it was no problem as I was just going to be watching football and doing stuff around the house. At one point I got on to the girls because they wouldn't go outside and play....I then made a comment about why did they want to come over if they just wanted to hang out inside. My oldest then said we didn't want to come over mommy asked if we wanted to. It then hit me......something came up that she wanted to do yesterday, that is why she ended up not going to church to watch the girls sing and told me that the girls wanted to come over early because she probably knew I wouldn't say "no" to them. Truthfully it doesn't set well with me, I got to spend more time with my girls which is a good thing but I enabled her to go do something. So I am torn emotionally.

Nothing new on the girl front. The one from last week is dead and I have still not reached out to the blonde and she has not reached out to me. That one is not dead though however I am slow playing it as I know she Is dating around. The original plan was for us to get together this week however I have my girls and it is good for me to be a little unpredictable. She thinks we are going to get together this week as she said she was open but since I have my girls this week I will try to plan something with her for next week. So I will reach out to her on Thursday....she has my number as well so she can hit me up also. I hate playing games but it seems with OLD you really don't have a choice


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Truthfully it doesn't set well with me, I got to spend more time with my girls which is a good thing but I enabled her to go do something. So I am torn emotionally.


Whoa, whoa ,whoa! This is concerning bro! Why do you give 2 $hits what she is doing? You got to spend more time with your daughters.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well.....I don't care what she did, if she didn't want to watch the girls sing then that's on her. I just feel like by me agreeing to take them early that I enabled her to go do whatever. Obviously I agreed to take them because it is what I wanted to do but she only asked because she wanted to go do something and it appears that she lied to me about it. So yeah at the end of the day I got to spend more time with my girls but I ended up enabling her to go do something. I don't care what she did but it is my enabling her to do it is what I am on the fence with.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Lying to you was wrong. If she needed you to take the girls for whatever reason, she should have just been honest.

However, what exactly are you "enabling" her to go do? It's irrelevant now, you guys are divorced. There is no enabling. She's got stuff to do, whether go on a date with her BF, go out for a night of drinking with her girlfriends....... She gives you first dibs as the father. Yes, by taking the girls, you are allowing her to do those things, but you aren't her enabler.

My ex has social plans this Friday. It's his night. He asks me if I could take our daughter. My schedule allows, so I do it. I don't care if he is going to a whore house with that time or having a romantic night with his wifey. The only way I make that decision is if it works for me.

I even ask my ex sometimes to take an extra day or switch if I have a date or plans with my girlfriends. I tell him as much too. He doesn't care what I do with my time, he takes the time if his schedule allows.

Playing devil's advocate here...... do you think she lied to you about the girls asking because she knew you would say no because she knew you would feel like you are enabling her to do something?

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
J,

I guess I am not following you. The only question should be do you want to see the kids more? With me it is yes, unless I have plans. Whether my ex lies to me or what she's doing is none of my business or concern we are not married anymore.

To be blunt: your ex is not a drug addict or an alcoholic there is no enabling. She is a divorced woman trying to live her life. The longer you go without accepting it, the longer you will suffer.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
She has asked me to take them before and told me what was going on when it has involved her family, friends or work so I can only assume that it had something to do with her BF which is why she wasn't honest with me. Early on when she told me about him and wanted to go into details about who is was I stopped her and told her I didn't want to know anything about him or discuss him unless it involved our girls. This was after our D was final but I still have no desire to listen to her talk about him....I am not her friend. A couple of weeks ago she was at his house and when my oldest asked her where she was on facetime she struggled to say she was at his house. I could tell by her voice that it was awkward for her. Now they did break up which she told me but then I guess they got back together which she didn't tell me so I can only assume that it had something to do with him which is why she wasn't honest.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
....because she knows you are judging her or you feel like you are "enabling" her.

Still, being dishonest isn't right. You want to decline taking the girls because you don't want to "enable" spending time with her bf.... that is your right.

But let's go back to your theory of enabling. I think it's kind of important. What do you feel like you are enabling her to do and why does it matter to you what she chooses to do as a single woman?

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I obviously haven't said anything to her......all of my processing is currently being done smile

I told her early on, after I moved her in that I was done being her maintenance man, chauffeur, etc. Then come to find out she had a BF all the time I was helping her.

I then told her I didn't want to know anything about her BF unless it involved the girls. She tried to talk to me about him, tell me about him, asked me if I wanted to meet him, etc.

I guess I just felt like if I continued to do it and allowed her to talk to me about him that you get put into the friend zone and ultimately you get no respect. I was also still processing my own emotions as well.

Did I have plans....."no", would it have been more enjoyable to watch football in peace and quiet..."yes" but if my girls want to come over I am not going to tell them "no"....especially if I am available. However to find out that it was under false pretenses is where I am hung up. I guess though my X doesn't feel comfortable being honest about her BF due to her respecting my wishes of not discussing him. She has not approached me 1 time since that conversation early on about him and I meeting.

I guess enabling comes to my mind when I think about DBing and sticking to a parenting schedule and not enabling her to put you in the babysitter position so she can go live it up. This is what you wanted and I am not their to support you and if something comes up that you want to do sometimes you might not get to do it because that is what happens at times being a single parent. So she calls me, lies to me and gets to go do whatever.

Again it's not about what she is doing or did do it was the pretense it was done under.

So do I hold my ground and still not discuss the BF or do I approach it from a lets work together standpoint because I may have a date and I need you to watch them and I just need you to be honest.

I don't think she is comfortable talking about her BF because I have not made her comfortable to do so but should I make her feel comfortable to do so? I don't know what position is better to be in? Her respecting my wishes which means that she may not be 100% honest or her just being 100% honest and for her to tell me what she has going on and why she needs to me to watch them especially if it involves him.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I would call her out on being honest when asking to watch the girls. Honest in that all she has to say is " can you watch the girls for me on so and so" instead of saying the girls asked to see you.

She just needs to ask, she doesn't need to tell you who what when where or why. Then it is up to you if you want to say yes or no. If you feel like she is abusing it, then say no. If you feel like watching the game in peace, say no. If you want to take the girls, say yes! What she chooses to do with her time is irrelevant. If she chooses to abuse it, it is irrelevant also. All you simply have to do is say "no". You don't have to discuss the BF or anything else. If she wants to go live it up, that's her business. Your only business is if you want to take the extra time if it works for you.

You can certainly ask her to take an extra day or switch a day too if you so desire. Maybe you could ask her if you would like to have a date and not wait a week.

It's up to you how flexible or rigid you want to be.

Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
I agree with LH and G

Originally Posted by Joseph9
So yeah at the end of the day I got to spend more time with my girls


Just take this J9.

Let the water pass under the bridge.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks guys......makes sense. I don't need to know the details but I would rather her ask me then lie about it.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
I don't think you need to make it so that she can discuss her BF with you. You're not her friend. If she's using your boundary about not wanting to talk about BF, unless it involves the girls, to then not be upfront about she needs to see if you can watch the girls, then that's her problem about honesty and you should call it out. I agree with what others have said - she doesn't need to tell you what she's doing with her time, but she needs to be straight about asking you if you can watch the girls or not and not make up some excuse and use your daughters as pawns.

If she doesn't have it in her to ask you straight up, then she needs to get better at that and you not tolerating that kind of nonsense will move her towards that.

I just really hate when people use the kids to lie. It's going to come out at some point.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks....I sent her an email and just told her to ask me going forward and that I would expect the same in return. I also mentioned that yesterday just seemed weird to me also and that I didn't need to know the details.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
She responded to my email indicating that her and her BF are back together so maybe I was picking up on that and then she said that it felt like a lot of back and forth yesterday as well. she also said she wasn't making anything up.

I told her that I assumed they were together because the girls had mentioned his dog and that when you asked me to take them early combined with her not going to watch them sing it felt like she wasn't being up front and just asking. I told her I didn't need nor want to know the details but going forward even she felt like it was a lot of back and forth to say something.

she responded with an "understood" and nothing more. So I guess I will see what happens.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I always feel like I'm behind or have missed something when I read your posts. But, maybe it is just me and I'm a crazy person...who knows. I guess the first thing I would say that has already been said over and over is y'all are divorced and you are both grown people, so she doesn't owe you an explanation about anything she does with her time. Just like you don't her any explanations for your time. I also concur with everyone who said despite the fact that she doesn't owe you explanations, lying to you is NOT the right way to go. Just be an adult and be honest....no big deal. However, having said that, it seems to me, just based on what you said, that you have not created an environment where she feels totally comfortable doing that. You have made it clear to her in no uncertain terms you don't want to hear about BF unless it relates directly to your kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from because I had to tell my XH the exact same thing because he kept wanting to tell me all sorts of stuff about the woman he cheated on me with when she became his girlfriend and I was so not interested in hearing any of it. So, if I were in her shoes and you had told me you didn't want to hear it, I would likely be reticent to tell you when things with him came up, if it didn't pertain to the children. Again, lying is NOT good, so not condoning that, just saying I maybe can understand the reason she did it.

Also, no one else mentioned it, but I will because again, I feel like I missed something. You say that one girl is "dead" because there has been no contact from her so you haven't reached out. Then you talk about the blond where there is also no contact currently, but you are going to hang on with her and play the game because that is what you have to do with OLD. HUH?????????? I do NOT get the sense that you are callous, but that kind of comes off that way, IN MY OPINION (and I stress that because I'm NOT trying to speak for you or anyone else). It almost comes across as girl number one is dead to me, but girl number 2 is blond and attractive, so I'm not going to write her off just yet. If that is the case, that is fine, as we have all said before that EVERYONE has a physical "type" that they are attracted to. So, if the blond is the right type for you, by all means, hang in there. But, honestly, I don't think playing games is the way to go. If you are interested, reach out. If you are not, don't....end of story. No need to analyze things to death.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
J,

I guess I don't understand why the communication can't be simple.

Ex: J do you mind if I drop the kids off early at 12:00?
J: Sure no problem or sorry I have plans

Also , you stated that you didn't need the details nor want the details again. IMO bad move. Why stroke her ego?

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
That's what I want...I want it to be simple. I want her to just say something to me...hey it's a lot of back and forth can you just take them after church or whatever. She is complicating things. Just be honest and up-front.

I don't want the details because I don't want her to feel like she has to explain herself to me or give me the details on why she wants to drop them off early or whatever.. IMO her giving me the details on what she is doing, especially if it involves doing something with her BF seems to friendly to me. Just like I don't want our mutual family friend to tell me how often her and him have sex. I don't care but I don't need to hear it.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
J,

Sounds like a mutual respect thing with both W and your friends.

My W or mutual friends don't offer me any info out of respect. You would think it would be self evident but I guess not.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Truthfully L I think my XW wants us to be friends, her therapist, etc. Which is why I don't want to know anything and when she started talking about him I shut it down. She no longer brings anything up which is what I asked for but I didn't ask her to lie to me either. As you guys have indicated she can still be honest with me without her spilling her guts to me about what she doing or where she is going.

I feel like I would be taking a step back if I started allowing her to talk to me about him or tell me that she needed me to watch the girls so she could go see him.

Our family friend I think thought she was helping me by telling me how often they had sex (like it would help me move on or something) but she also has a big mouth and likes to talk. When I told her I never wanted to discuss my X and what she was doing ever again it pissed her off and then she brought up it involving our girls and her bringing other men into their lives. I had to remind her that this has nothing to do with our girls and as their father I am fully aware of what I need and do not need to know. She was overstepping her boundaries.

I just feel as though I have made too much progress to turn around and be ok with her telling me about what she is doing. I actually had to have the same conversation with my mom. She started talking to me about what she had found on the Internet and I had to tell her to keep whatever she finds to herself.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Wow your mom too? Why would they think you would want to here that $hit?

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Yeah.....the only thing I can think of is they just don't understand all the emotions even though they have went through divorce themselves. I don't think it is with malicious intent I just don't think they are thinking or maybe in some way they think they are helping.

As far as the X goes I think if I were friends with her it would make it easier on her.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
No I know they are not doing it intentionally especially your mom.

Your kids are really young you are stuck with this BS for a long time.

Like I saw Accuray post once " you will get a point where if you saw your ex having $ex on your lawn you would just say to yourself "that's weird" LOL.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I feel like I am getting closer but I am still not ready to hear about some things. Honestly she should be moving on as well and not feel the need to tell me certain things either. I know she doesn't want to recon but she is not as detached as she would like to believe. On Saturday I made some funny joke to some soccer parents and she laughed and said "Oh J9". Those things don't bother me any more but I still notice them and she catches herself as well.

Anyway....it is what it is. We only live 4 miles apart and we do a good job of co-parenting with each other. She has also been really good about using the child support money I give her towards the girls. She sends clothes with them to keep at my place, puts money in their lunch account, paid for their soccer uniforms, etc. Those things don't happen every month but I know she is trying.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Yeah I have a good ex too.

She did all the school clothes shopping and everything to prepare for my Ds birthday party and just asked for half the money when she is entitled to 60%.

She let me keep the house with no fight and barely took anything inside. I definitely used the guilt to my advantage.

Hope it lasts but at some point, probably when I get a girlfriend or when she realizes she is screwing herself I expect it to change.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Mine barely took anything either....my mom was actually shocked at what she left behind. Mine wanted no part of the house as well. I'm glad I was able to keep it for the girls.

Things will definitely change when you meet someone. My buddy has been dating the same girl for over 2 years and she made the mistake of taking his daughters out to get their nails done. When his XW found out she was unglued because his girlfriend did that. Get your popcorn ready LH!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Don´t know why but I´m having an evil smile on my face...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Sorry D I missed your post yesterday. The difference between the two is how our last conversations ended. The first girl sent me a text last Tuesday and I responded to her question and then asked her a question. She never followed up with me nor did she answer my question. I assumed something changed with her and since she did not respond to me and answered my question I am not going to send her another text. I hit the ball over the net and she did not return the ball back.

The blonde girl and I left our conversation open ended with us both agreeing to talk to each other later. There were no un-answered questions and we both ended the conversation with TTYL. Now with this girl since our last text exchange was left open ended I don't consider it dead. Now I know she is talking to multiple guys, she is active on the dating app. She has also not reached out to me either.....she has my number and can just as easily text me as I can text her. This tells me that she is casually dating which is fine so I am going to take it slower with her. If I push this girl to meet up quickly and I over text her she is probably going to run scared for fear of me trying to put her into R status. So I decided to play it slow, I will reach out to her on Thursday and make plans for us to meet up next week.

I guess those are the two differences in the sitch. I would have continued talking to the first girl but she did not respond to my last text so something changed with her and I am not going to double text her. I hope that clears it up.

I don't want to play games but it has become obvious to me that with OLD you really have no choice. I think if the girl is looking for a R you can pursue a little more but if she is just casually dating you must show extreme patience.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Joseph9
My buddy has been dating the same girl for over 2 years and she made the mistake of taking his daughters out to get their nails done. When his XW found out she was unglued because his girlfriend did that. Get your popcorn ready LH!


Back when I was a fool and was trying to use logic and reason with my Ex, I asked her how should would feel when I met another woman and she took my D to get her hair and nails done. Her response was she was too secure in her motherhood to let that bother her. Will see but I bet she loses it too lol!

As for OLD, I am having trouble with girls being able to hold a conversation.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I remember I wanted to beat the crap out of OWW when she was doing those types of things with my daughter. Now? I'm thankful because I don't have to pay all the time! Nails get expensive!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I don't think they are as detached as they think they are. IMO they are so wrapped up in their own mess they probably never really thought about another woman entering their lives. I think you will see a different side to your X.

I have had some girls that it was very easy to hold a conversation with and others where it was extremely difficult. For me I can tell a lot with how they respond, how enthusiastic they come across and whether or not they make jokes and can make fun of themselves. The blonde that I have pseudo been talking to has been very easy to talk to, the banter between us was instant. She told me how handsome I was and how she would meet me wherever I wanted and for me to pick the place. So it has been hard to hold myself back and restrain myself from over pursuing someone who is clearly casually dating.

I think you have to try to figure out what their intentions are and adjust your communication style to fit. I think the girls that want a R will have no problems texting you and reaching out to you between dates and/or initiating contact. The ones that are casually dating will never initiate with you as in their eyes that means having more of a vested interest.

I tend to gravitate to those girls that make the conversation easy and fun. The blonde girl and I had almost our entire conversation about high school, the fact that she was 2 years older than me, and that she used to wear shoulder pads with a chili bowl haircut. I told her she was not getting a date with me until I saw picture. I just try to look for stuff like that to banter back and forth with but she made it pretty easy by her communication style.

The other girl that went dark on me I guess did not like my comment about the rapper Ice Cube. She asked me how my day was and I told her in the words of Ice Cube "Today is a good day"........she never responded back which is fine with me because if you are too wound tight or take yourself that seriously then your not the one for me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Originally Posted by Joseph9

The other girl that went dark on me I guess did not like my comment about the rapper Ice Cube. She asked me how my day was and I told her in the words of Ice Cube "Today is a good day"........she never responded back which is fine with me because if you are too wound tight or take yourself that seriously then your not the one for me.


I don't think that's why she went dark on you. She asked you how your day was, but you didn't ask her how HER day was. Maybe she was going to come back with a witty response if you asked her......

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I left the part of my message off G......after I said that I told her I was trying to decide on whether or not go to soccer practice tonight. Then I ended the message with How is your day?? Crickets.

I guess she doesn't like Ice Cube smile I mean who doesn't like Ice Cube. Really??????


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Just an example of how flakey they can be. With this one she initially reached out to me. We chatted for several hours on Sunday. We exchanged numbers on Sunday. She initiated the first text to me on Monday and we chatted for 10 min or so. Then she initiated contact with me again on Tuesday......so I responded with what I said above and she doesn't respond to me with how her day was and now she is not initiating anything. She went from pursuing me hard to nothing and the only think I did was quote Ice Cube. Which was a joke but I mean if this is what your going to do and this is what is going to cause you to flake out then it worked out the way it was supposed to and it saved me $50.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Yeah my ex is totally not detached. She hates that a friend of mine's W is my running partner. She hates that I still see her cousin who has been in my life since she was 9. Right before she moved out she said if I ever sleep with her she will never speak to either of us again lol.

Here's a message string from a beautiful girl on Bumble:

Friday at 6:00 her: Good evening!!

Friday at 10:30: Hey ____ how is your Friday night going?

Sunday at 10:00 her: This weekend went way to fast

Monday 7:15 : They always do! I hope you had fun! After reading your profile I realized I don't know anything about you lol. (just pictures)

Her: Men actually read those? lol

Me: Good point but I'm not like most men lol. Observation: Pictures were taken in a bar. Patron or an employee?

Her: First pic in bar. Others with friends.

Me: (running out of options) I see you are wearing a (NFL Team) shirt. Are you a big football fan?

Her: uuuuh sometimes lol.


At that point I gave up. It was tough because she was smoking hot.

I have a good one going with another girl that I can't meet just yet due to logistics but I don't want to put my eggs all in one basket.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I would give up too.......it is clear that she is casually dating by her delayed response times. You matched....she can always circle back at a later time and get the conversation going again. She also wasn't making it very easy on you.

I wonder if she was looking for a date over the weekend since she hit you up on Friday night at 6 pm? Usually Friday and Saturday nights are no's no's since no one wants to be the one that doesn't have a date smile

I have actually started to factor that in.....the time and date they initiate conversation. I had one girl hit me on Saturday morning and asked me if I had any plans. Dumb me said something stupid and she never responded. It seemed clear to me that she was looking for a date.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
On a side note, a guy I work with texted me this morning and asked if he could talk to me. I said sure come to my office at 9:00. Long story short, his W wants a D and he knows I just went through it so he as asking my opinion.

Gave out real life DB advice. I swear this $hit is an epidemic!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Dude.....it is amazing how much you hear about this type of stuff happening. It is nothing I ever wanted to have knowledge on.

On a side note I got hit up by a 50 yr old last night smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
Originally Posted by LH19
On a side note, a guy I work with texted me this morning and asked if he could talk to me. I said sure come to my office at 9:00. Long story short, his W wants a D and he knows I just went through it so he as asking my opinion.

Gave out real life DB advice. I swear this $hit is an epidemic!


Since my D, I've helped 4 guys going through their own D. I've tried to pass on my DB wisdom (such as it were), but 3 have already ended in D. It's depressing at times. I enjoy being able to help guys through the process though. So much was given to me and I want to give back.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well i had to put down our 15 yr old Golden Retriever last night. I'll spare all of the details but he was struggling with his breathing so the vet said it was time. I have the girls this week so our neighbor came over to watch them while I took him up to the emergency vet clinic.

He was the first pet the X and I got about 3 months after we got married so him dying meant a little bit more. I called the X when I was at the vet to tell her what was going on. She was upset as well and started crying which shocked me but it was nice to hear her have some emotion. She sent me several pictures of him and I when we were much younger which was cool to see. Obviously she has them saved on Shutterfly or something so we had a moment together (it felt like I got a glimpse of the woman I used to know) and I put her on speaker phone when I got back to the house so we could talk to the girls about what happened (they wanted to talk to mommy). The oldest was fine the youngest took it a little harder but she really likes animals. Obviously nothing has changed but it had been a while since I had seen her tender side.

Anyway we have 1 dog left which we got about 3 months after this one and the girls are already asking me for a puppy. Not going to happen smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Hey man I am sorry. I don't have animals but understand that it is like having another child per se.

Someday you will look back and say what a couple fuched up years.

You will also know you made it through and came out stronger.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well.....it's bittersweet. After having them for 15 years it is more of a pain than anything. Especially with it only being me 50% of the time in the house and always having to run home to let them out before dates, finding someone to watch them when I go out of town, etc. I won't be getting any more that's for sure. If the girls want any more animals they can ask their mom smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Quote
Since my D, I've helped 4 guys going through their own D. I've tried to pass on my DB wisdom (such as it were), but 3 have already ended in D. It's depressing at times. I enjoy being able to help guys through the process though. So much was given to me and I want to give back


I really wonder what the stats are men vs. women and why both are either stepping outside the marriages or walking away.

In my friend network, I am seeing so many women who have cheating husbands and now they're dealing with the aftermath. But I also know from this board that there are plenty of women doing that as well, either cheating or walking away. I wonder what the story is with the 4 guys you've helped and other men that we've encountered.

The women are telling me how trash all men are, and I am telling them that I know that there are good men out there. But it's hard to keep up that argument when all you see is men cheating on their wives. I feel like it is just this institution of marriage that isn't working any more and whether or not it is a smart move to get into a marriage. It's hard not to be cynical with the kinds of life experiences we've had.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
M I think a lot of people are cynical and really afraid to put themselves out there again for the reasons you have stated. In the online world I see the same girls cycle all the time, one may disappear for a bit but most don't disappear forever. It makes you wonder how often these people are actually going on dates and are they really trying to find their next great relationship. If they are going on dates then they must be picking the wrong people since no one seems to take their profile down smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Joseph9
If they are going on dates then they must be picking the wrong people since no one seems to take their profile down smile


I think it is because people are a lot more selective the second time around. There is no rush, most already have their kids, are self sufficient and are leading good lives.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Yeah....makes sense.

It's interesting how OLD works when you can determine what the woman is looking for. I texted with the girl from last Monday yesterday, we hadn't spoke in 9 days. She agreed to meet up next week, seemed enthusiastic, and I told her I would reach out next week to firm up our plans. Our interaction my have lasted an hour or so with breaks between texting but it looks like me slow playing it might be working.

Another girl reached out to me last night that I had spoke to about a month ago. She initially blew me off I think due to a comment I had made but she hit me up last night asking why our messaging stopped happening. I felt like saying....."Woman, you could have texted me at any time instead of getting all butt hurt" but I didn't. I just played it off like nothing ever happened and asked how she was doing. SMH.............


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Maika


I really wonder what the stats are men vs. women and why both are either stepping outside the marriages or walking away.



I think the real question on stepping out or walking away is how many of these marriages had healthy sex lives with eachother and not in some type of sex starved marriage.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Mine was NOT sex-starved. In fact, my ex said, near the end of our marriage, that he didn't actually think the sex would be as good with someone else! We were together 26 years and the sex was always good AND regular. Sometimes with men I think it's just about having some "strange" as they say. No matter how good it is, they get tired of the same person. In my ex's case, he has depression and I think when he couldn't feel better other ways, he thought trading me in would make him feel better. I would venture that most of the WASs here are suffering from depression and/or midlife crisis, and think (usually mistakenly) that leaving their lives/spouses/families/responsibilities behind will fix that for them.

(Not saying that sex-starved marriages don't occur. But the assumption that men stray because their wives aren't doing enough for them in the bedroom is wrong more often than right.)

Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by kml


(Not saying that sex-starved marriages don't occur. But the assumption that men stray because their wives aren't doing enough for them in the bedroom is wrong more often than right.)


I was actually not just talking about men straying but women also for the same reason. Women like sex just as much as men do, so its honestly tough to say what regular is with sex. Women may not admit this but they like strange just as much as men do. I would venture to say women cheat now a days more than men do. Only thing is they get away with it more often, because as long as their husbands are getting some love they dont think anything is wrong. Being single and around the dating scene. It is much easier for women to find sex than it is for men. Most women can go out and find what they need, its more of a conflict within themselves about what they are actually wanting than finding a willing partner. And its opposite for most men, its finding a willing partner for the most part. Now there are outliers of men who look so good that they will get hit on by most any woman, but that is not most men.

My ex and I would have sex atleast once a week, and I thought that was regular, but some people consider that starved, and even though it was regular, i would have preferred 3 or 4 times a week.

In my ex's case she was 32 and felt like she had accomplished nothing in her life. Maybe the fear of mortality or just wanting to srtike out on her own is what she was wanting. I cant say because i am not going to even try to mind read her thoughts. Honestly i am indifferent about her now anyways. She had her chance so maybe she will find what she is seeking.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Since I have been old for a few months now I get a red flag if a woman wants to meet up right away. The girl that hit me up yesterday after getting mad at me a month ago wanted to meet this weekend. We exchanged numbers and I told her I already had plans and she said during the week was tough because of her kids. She said next weekend family might in town so she would let me know. Now maybe she really just wants to meet me and feels pressure because of her kid situation but I am already starting to question.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Buddy,

I read this post three times and don't understand what you are talking about.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I guess it just seems odd that she would immediately have time available to meet. Like she didn't have anything else going on and could make it happen. Maybe it's just me..............


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Its just you. Way over thinking it.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Just go with it. If there are any real red flags you'll find out during the date. I was just speaking with some women in my office who have done OLD and they say they've pushed for a meet very quickly. Just go and see what happens.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well I can't meet with her this weekend, and she can't meet during the week due to her kids (sounds like she has them full time) not sure where the dad is and next weekend she might have family in town. So it might be a while before we can get together. I am also going out of town to visit my buddies the weekend of 10/26 so who knows when it will happen.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
You asked for it, you´ve got it...

I´m sorry about your dog J9...pets are family...

(((Hugs)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Nef....yeah, loosing my dog was rough. It brought back a lot of memories as well since that was the first pet my XW and I got together after getting married. She cried as well so I know it touched her also.

I did ask for it smile. Now that I am more experienced with OLD it is really fascinating. Some of the woman have it down to an exact science. The blonde that I will meet up with next week is still active on the app, building her "stable" so it makes me wonder how many guys have her cell phone number and she is actively interacting with not on the app. It doesn't bother me since I understand the game now but it has been really eye opening.

Girls keep their stable on the app, then if they are lucky the pass onto actually getting her phone number and the direct texting begins. Then depending on how the date goes or how needy the guy is they fall off or she dumps them and then just replaces him with someone from the "stable".

It is truly a work of art smile.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Joseph, I think you are losing or have lost your way with all of this OLD stuff. Just what is your goal anymore? You seem to be so overthinking everything. All of these "rules" all of this stuff about not texting a second time, etc. what's up with all of this? Are you even being yourself with these women? Take the woman that texted you back after a month. When I first read about you not texting her a second time I thought, how much you want to bet both are waiting for the other - and sure as heck, that's what happened. She's thinking, what is up with this dude and you are thinking the same about her. Why? why these games? Now I'd not text a bunch of times. Most people say no more than three. I sometimes only did or do two. But people forget. We are not the only person or thing going on in their life. I have totally lost or forgotten texts. Hell it happened today - not with a woman just in general. There is nothing wrong with showing a little bit of interest. You have to put yourself out there at least a little bit. You seem to be looking for red flags at every turn. That mindset is good and needed but not so soon and not with EVERYTHING someone does. You have to give a little bit of leeway and then watch for patterns. If she fails to return texts on a regular basis that's a big deal - but one single time?

Dating in general is a numbers game. You've got to meet a lot of women to find one worth dating for awhile. You are casting so many off before you even get started. Like if she waited 2 minutes too long to respond, you cut her off - I'm being sarcastic of course but you get my point.

I think you are now seeing what others and myself have said about OLD. I fear it's changing you, like it has so many others and you are losing who you are. Are they seeing the real Joseph? Is the real Joseph someone who casts someone off due to a single missed text? If so, who wants to sign up for that? I'm not saying you need to be some nice guy beta male that begs a woman for a date. What I'm saying is be the real you - be someone a real quality woman would want to date.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Originally Posted by Joseph9


Girls keep their stable on the app, then if they are lucky the pass onto actually getting her phone number and the direct texting begins. Then depending on how the date goes or how needy the guy is they fall off or she dumps them and then just replaces him with someone from the "stable".

It is truly a work of art smile.


J9, I find your posts fascinating because I learn a TON about myself and what I do and do not want. I'm literally laughing out loud at girls keeping their stable. Seriously? Apparently I'm a total loser because I was lucky if I could get ONE GUY to talk to me, much less a stable of them. And 9 times out of 10, the one guy who WOULD talk to me was either a complete loser (no job, lived with family, not divorced, or 45+ and never been married, which does not make one a loser in and of itself, but it certainly does raise some red flags) or he was just interested in sex (again, not necessarily anything wrong with that, if you find a willing participant, but I did not go OLD to "hook up"). Several have said on here you have to kiss a lot of frogs and I found my share of frogs. Fortunately for Sparky, he made it past frog-dom, but I just don't know that I agree with that being the reality of how OLD works. Hell, maybe it does, though...what do I know? I'm not a man. And, apparently not a very good game player so OLD didn't really do it for me. Too few men who were their real selves.

I do wish you all the luck in the world though and truly hope you find what you are looking for. Oh and so sorry about your dog. That made me tear up. I feel bad for you and your family. Pets are part of our families and it is tough to lose them for sure.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well I got yelled at last night over text, accused of “fishing” which I guess means searching for the best deal????? I have heard of the term but I didn’t think that applied to the person if they were not the one to initiate contact. Smh. I guess she didn’t like me not blowing up her phone, telling her to get back with me when she figured out her schedule, and me telling her I wasn’t available this weekend. Well she saved me $50 or so and I kind of had a bad feeling about her anyway so it just reaffirmed the notion of trusting your gut. Man what a psycho.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Some of the woman have it down to an exact science. The blonde that I will meet up with next week is still active on the app, building her "stable" so it makes me wonder how many guys have her cell phone number and she is actively interacting with not on the app. It doesn't bother me since I understand the game now but it has been really eye opening.

Girls keep their stable on the app, then if they are lucky the pass onto actually getting her phone number and the direct texting begins. Then depending on how the date goes or how needy the guy is they fall off or she dumps them and then just replaces him with someone from the "stable".

It is truly a work of art smile.


Joseph, when I was OLD over the course of a year, I was messaging a few (and literally a few) chaps on the app I was using. They were just a few because the majority of messages I got were way too full on, as in obviously looking for hook ups or really aggressive, and a few gave me the weird vibes straight off. There were a few who I exchanged 'normal' messages with.

Then there were literally just a few I got to the stage of Whatsapping. Again, it was just chit chat mainly. But I got into some more personal conversations with a couple, life stuff, life situations etc. I met some of those. And I knew straight off if there was any chemistry or not. Did I kiss any of those? One or two I think. One was a mistake and I knew it even before I kissed him, one there was some chemistry with.

There was a little chemistry with a couple of the others I met over the course of that year, and I maybe only met them once or twice. And that was because they just weren't a good enough fit for me in some other way, like I could tell straight off that they were too immature for me in some way, or had too much of an ego thing going on and was just looking for some action, or one I knew without him even saying anything that he had just split up from his wife and was trying to think of himself as interested in other women again (he was a nice guy and we had a good laugh together, literally laughing like drains the whole time we were talking, but he had along road ahead of him emotionally).

What did I learn in all of this? When I started OLD, I was very much in the mindset I had in my early-mid 20s: that if you agreed to meet someone for a date it was a serious thing. There was no internet then, and the way you met people was through friends or where you worked/studied. So you knew them (at least a little) before anything happened. A date was a Friday or Saturday night thing, just the two of you, and you were kind of exclusive if you got to that point.

Now what seems to go on is you agree to 'go out' on 'a date' with someone you meet online, but you don't really know them at all. So it's more along the lines of a chat for an hour or so and cup of coffee. It's not 'a date' as I would have considered it before. And it's certainly not exclusive (not until you know each other at least a little and decide to have the 'exclusive or not' chat together).

Addressing the red flag thing. Yes, there were some messages I got that were full on red flags straight off (aggressive, overly sexual, disrespectful). Then there were some guys I was chatting on the app with and when I said I couldn't message/chat with them any more (because I'd met the man I'm with now), they became red flags in a big way. They were very clingy and needy, or very, very aggressive, like they owned me in some way. That gave me the major creeps.

I think only one chap thanked me for chatting with him, said he'd enjoyed out chats and wished me all the best. But I'd had that impression about him all along, from the very first chat we'd had. And in fact, I'd been due to meet him a couple of weeks after. It's just that I hadn't wanted to go any more because I'd met someone I was really interested in. Then I have to say I also had respect for the guy who had just split up from his wife and was just starting to date again, because he was just absolutely himself.

When I ask the wonderful man I'm with what he'd been looking for in OLD, he said 'someone genuine' who 'wasn't just interested in me for a free lunch'. So there you go, that's how it looks from the other side as well, pretty much the same as it looks from this side.

So I guess the lesson is to be yourself, don't play games (you know you're doing that, you know someone else is doing that, someone else knows you're doing that...we can all see through that sort of behaviour), and take each person as they are, don't project your own issues onto them (I think we all have/had had issues with trust at some point, having been on the receiving end of an A/multiple As), and let time show you who they are and what they're about.

I don't know how it goes as far as hook ups are concerned. Maybe it's a different scenario.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Focus......when I started OLD I was pretty naïve and took everyone at face value thinking everyone must be looking for a relationship. Then as time wore on I realized that was not the case...some just want someone to talk to and have no intentions of meeting, some just want to hook up, others just want to casually date, etc. Getting past that helped me realize not to take it too seriously in the beginning and you just have to figure out what they person is looking for. Then you have to deal with the whole over pursuing, being needy, etc. labels that we face and trying to balance when to meet, how quickly, when to ask, etc. If you chat too long you run out of things to say and the conversations becomes boring but you have to chat some to at least build a rapport so both people feel comfortable. So while it might not be a game their are definitely strategies to employ based on each person.

I try to stay true to who I am which is why it hasn't worked out for me so far but obviously it wasn't supposed to since I have not met the right person. The very first girl I went out with she could tell I was brand new at OLD as you said I am sure it was 100% obvious to her. I had a couple that I was not attracted to upon meeting and I knew it was not going to go any further than the first date. I have had a couple of ladies flake on me during our conversation so maybe I came on too strong, said something that didn't vibe with her or she got interested in someone else. I had kitchen girl that just wanted a weekend fling but I didn't recognize it at the time and thought she wanted something more and another who I think just wanted to chat because she never agreed to the date and time I had set for us.

I guess the point is that I have probably interacted with 20 or more woman, went on dates with about 1/2 of them and while I don't think I am playing games I do believe their is a strategy to be used depending on what the girl is looking for. For example, the blonde that I am going to see this weekend. We talk about once a week and she never initiates conversation but when we chat she is very interactive and from what I can tell seems be excited to meet. So either she is purposely holding herself back from initiating conversation with me because she read it in some book that the man should do all the pursuing or she is casually dating and doesn't wants to keep her options open.

The girl that went off on me this past Friday telling me I was fishing (I didn't know a person could fish when they did not initiate contact) I think she wanted something more, might have been insecure, and couldn't handle me not giving her my undivided attention and I guess didn't like me telling her to figure out her schedule and let me know. Maybe she wanted something more and didn't like my approach to her.

When I am on a date or texting I believe I authentically act like who I am however I do think when you are initially attracting, setting dates, texting response times etc. I do think there is a little gamesmanship involved since in the beginning that is your first form of communication.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
J- I think you need a break of OLD. I can't begin to tell you how many breaks I have had to take. I needed that period of time where I knew it was my choice to not have any guys in my life and just not think about it.

I believe since the D, this has been my biggest dating year, and mostly OLD. I have learned a lot. I don't know where it's going with me and M, although I think it's a good place. But man, the crap I went through to find him.

Just when you think you have seen it all/heard it all with online dating, something else comes your way. Taking a break is good sometimes, where you just delete all the apps and go about your life.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Funny you should say that G but I was starting to feel the same way. Reaching out to people and going through the same introductory exchanging of information has become boring, mundane and a little stale. I just hid my profile and will see how it plays out with blondie and go from there.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I do believe their is a strategy to be used depending on what the girl is looking for. For example, the blonde that I am going to see this weekend. We talk about once a week and she never initiates conversation but when we chat she is very interactive and from what I can tell seems be excited to meet. So either she is purposely holding herself back from initiating conversation with me because she read it in some book that the man should do all the pursuing or she is casually dating and doesn't wants to keep her options open.


OK, so here we are, at the very sharp end of it all. You've spent a bit of time and energy trying to work out where someone else is coming from and their motivations for it, and you're not really any further forwards with any of it. You don't know where they're coming from and you have no idea as to their motivations.

Does any of that time and energy you've spent thinking about it all make any sort of a difference to where you are with it all now? Can it help you predict what's going to happen in the future?

No. It is what it is, and it is what it is in this precise moment in time.

You could actually have spent that time and energy on yourself, doing something positive and constructive for yourself, instead of spending that time and energy speculating on a stranger.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
The girl that went off on me this past Friday telling me I was fishing (I didn't know a person could fish when they did not initiate contact) I think she wanted something more, might have been insecure, and couldn't handle me not giving her my undivided attention and I guess didn't like me telling her to figure out her schedule and let me know. Maybe she wanted something more and didn't like my approach to her.


Who knows. Does any of your speculating make any difference to where you are now, in this precise moment in time? No.

And does it make any iota of a difference to the outcome if you hit the nail on the head and get the right answer here or not? The situation is still the situation.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
When I am on a date or texting I believe I authentically act like who I am however I do think when you are initially attracting, setting dates, texting response times etc. I do think there is a little gamesmanship involved since in the beginning that is your first form of communication.


Does it actually matter in the end? If you meet someone, hit it off, have the chemistry, want to see where it goes, begin to like them as a person and have feelings for them for who they are, then great - if that's what you're both looking for.

If you meet someone, hit it off, have the chemistry, want to see where it goes, and they turn out to be a player, well, they've shown themselves to be who they are and what they're about. Which is a good thing. You just need to give them the time for them to be who they are. People always show themselves to be who they are. You can't change that by speculating, projecting, being empathetic towards a situation you think they may or may not be in, or have been at some point.

Do you see what I mean? I've been super guilty of being an over thinker and over analyser in the past. I'm one of those people that needs to make sure I can see the big picture, from as many different viewpoints as possible. And those different viewpoints need to be fair and true for all the people involved. I'm really, really good at it.

Does it actually make a difference to my situation? Talking with regards to my XH here. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to work out what was going on after he left (October 2015), trying to be empathetic to whatever it was that he was going through in the 6 years leading up to it. Did he actually tell me any of it? No. Has it actually made any sort of a difference to where I am now (D)? No.

Looking back, all those hours I spent turning things over in my mind, reading, researching, speculating, all that huge amount of energy I expended...I could have used that on myself. A big part of me thinks 'what a huge waste of time and energy that all was'.

I tried really hard to stop myself doing any of that when I started OLD. And have gotten a bit better at it. OLD was good for me in that sense, as it made me understand that I had to stand right back from it all and let people be who they were going to be. Once I understood that and got a bit of a handle on it all, I was really surprised at how quickly I got what people were about. And it stopped me getting suckered into their rubbish (games/manipulation) whenever there was that sort of vibe going about.

The best gift you can give yourself? All that time and energy you're spending thinking and analysing. Use that to make yourself a better person - the person that you want to be.

Sure, you'l meet some nice people on the way, and you'll meet some absolute humdingers, and some OK people, and maybe someone who is very special too. Much better to have invested all of that time and energy in yourself, so that if/when you meet someone extra special you are a much better version of yourself than you were previously, and you have less personal rubbish you're dragging behind you than before.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks F and I agree.......I have found myself caring less and less about the interactions. When I was at the gym this morning I was listening to a podcast and realized that I started to get off course with the things that had been focused on, none of which was OLD. My diet was suffering, I have been drinking too much, have not been as involved coaching my oldest daughter's soccer team, etc. So I think it's a good time to stop and just re-calibrate.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
Yup, sounds like a good plan.

Something that's taken me a good long while to learn, but simply doing the practicalities involved in life can be really good for you, for me anyway. It takes up my time, which means it stops me from thinking about stuff and going down that track.

I don't drink much at all, but if I drink more than one, I notice a big difference to my mental health the next day. I feel down, drained, and negative. I'm happy to have the occasional one when I'm out (which isn't much), or with a special dinner now.

it's hard work staying focussed on yourself and your life, especially if someone else has been the focus. I have to constantly work on it.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I have my girls 50% of the time so when it is my week I really don't have time for anything. Between getting them out the door in the mornings to shuttling them back and forth to soccer practices at night there is not much time for anything else. It is the weeks where I don't have them where I have most of my free time however it is nice just to come home to a quiet house and chill a couple of nights during the week. So between doing that, attending a practice during the week so I can see them, meeting up with friends, and potentially having a date lined up there is really not much time for anything else. I get up at 5 am every morning to go to the gym so I am in bed by 9 pm most nights so there is really not much time left in the day.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
It´s good to see the lighthouse shining...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Nef......I feel like every day just gets a little better.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
J9, taking a brief break from OLD is probably a good idea, even if it's only a week.

I may be following soon behind you. I'm starting to feel like Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption: "So you go ahead and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time."


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Originally Posted by Holding
J9, taking a brief break from OLD is probably a good idea, even if it's only a week. q


I'm curious Holding, just what good would a one week break do? Some OLDers only check in a few times a week. What would such a brief pause provide?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by Holding
J9, taking a brief break from OLD is probably a good idea, even if it's only a week. q


I'm curious Holding, just what good would a one week break do? Some OLDers only check in a few times a week. What would such a brief pause provide?


OLD is a cycle. Swipe on people you like to get a match. If you get a match, chat for a few days to a week to make sure they're not a total flake. Then ask to meet on a date. Wash, rinse, repeat - concurrently.

Not looking at the apps AT ALL in a single week is a cycle-breaker. It's a small start.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I will be reaching out tonight to my last on-line date prospect to set something up for Friday or Saturday. Our texting conversation has been minimal (I think we have only spoke twice in the last 2.5 weeks) but when I reach out she has been quick to respond, and enthusiastic about meeting so we shall see how it goes setting something up. I thought about reaching out to her yesterday but I thought it would be a little better if I waited until it was a little closer to the weekend. With this one I like the fact that we have not gotten into long drawn out conversations, when we have chatted it has been back and forth banter so we should have plenty to talk about when we meet. She lives close to my house as well so that is a plus. I was a little concerned about her not initiating conversation however she initially reached out to me first, showed her interest, and then backed off. I do know she is dating other people so that is probably part of it as well but I am cool with it. I actually feel more relaxed about this one than any other, I really feel no pressure.

Hit the gym this morning, have basketball tomorrow morning, and went out with an old friend last night for a couple of beers and some pizza. This buddy and his wife my X and I were friends with when we were married so he has known us for a long time. It was good to catch up with him and he have a quarterly date set between us. He asked me if my x and I have had sex yet and I obviously told him "no" but he swears up and down it's going to happen. I just laugh at him but it's kinda funny.

On a side note I have been attending church for about 2 years now (I went as a kid and then just got away from it in my adult years) and this past Sunday in our small group I volunteered to give my testimonial. I am not a private person nor an over the top religious person but I really haven't spoke a ton to anyone outside of my closest circles about my divorce. So I told our group leader that I would give mine as I thought I felt strong enough to tell my story. Well I almost made it through without tearing up and as usually when I started talking about my daughters, and how hard this past two years has been I had to start and stop several times because I was on the verge of loosing it. I know I am much better than what I was a year ago this time but it sure would be nice to be able to talk about it and not feel my emotions get the best of me.

Lastly I will be heading out of town to Nashville in two weeks to visit my best friends from 1st grade. I unfortunately will be missing a couple of soccer games but I am really looking forward to getting out of town for a couple of days!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I will be reaching out tonight to my last on-line date prospect to set something up for Friday or Saturday.


Good luck! If it doesn't work out, meet me on the beach in Zihuatanejo. I'll be working on my boat.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
He asked me if my x and I have had sex yet and I obviously told him "no" but he swears up and down it's going to happen. I just laugh at him but it's kinda funny.


A divorced friend said the same thing to me. My response was a combination of disgust, shock, and WTF.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
Well I almost made it through without tearing up and as usually when I started talking about my daughters, and how hard this past two years has been I had to start and stop several times because I was on the verge of loosing it.


The pain my kids had to go through hits me hard as well. It's really the only thing that still gets to me. Good for you for being willing to share that with others. Did it help you any to talk about that?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I think it does H.....you get a lot out here through journaling so I think the more you can process your feelings in different format's the better. It could be journaling, making Youtube videos, talking in public or whatever. So yeah it did.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Alright date set for Saturday night, 7:30 pm at craft beer and craft pizza restaurant. I offer to come to her town and she said it is boring their and suggested we go to a couple of other neighboring towns that have more nightlife. I have had the least amount of interaction with this lady than any of the others. I have spoke to her twice in 2 weeks for maybe a total of an hour via text but she seems very excited to go out and meet me. So I will say this one does feel a little different so we shall see what happens. No expectations.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
That's great! Hey, if anything, you had craft beer and craft pizza. That's a good Saturday night in my books.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks G.....we have had good texting banter back and forth so hopefully that will carryover to when we meet. She seems very bubbly, talkative, and outgoing which is something that I like in a woman. I do think she is a little high society though which is totally not me, so if she expecting me to roll out the red carpet and take her places that is not going to happen. I am a pretty simple person, I guess that is my country roots. Although she did grow up in Arkansas so her roots have to be in there some place smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
So we are comdemned to go check for your weekend updates...man, you are under the spotlight...you are watering our expectations ;-)

Remember the boundaries...no drag queens except the blonde ones, right?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Thanks G.....we have had good texting banter back and forth so hopefully that will carryover to when we meet. She seems very bubbly, talkative, and outgoing which is something that I like in a woman. I do think she is a little high society though which is totally not me, so if she expecting me to roll out the red carpet and take her places that is not going to happen. I am a pretty simple person, I guess that is my country roots. Although she did grow up in Arkansas so her roots have to be in there some place smile


Don't borrow trouble, just enjoy the date. Roll out the red carpet, NO. Take her places, yeah, why not?

Myself for example. I am very versatile. I will go on a hike, eat pizza and drink beer on my couch as a date, but other times, I like to try some new nicer places, get dressed up, ect. My favorite date so far was our kayaking/fishing date. However, I always make sure I pay for every other date (I pay for more with M, because I treat him after he helps me, but he always tells me I don't have to).

I went away to college for one year out of high school. My roommate was this petite little blonde (you would love her) who seemed so proper and high maintenance. here I am, this girl from Jersey, who is anything but.......
We hit it off so amazingly. She's got a potty mouth like me, drinks pickle juice, and parties. She was the total opposite of what I assumed. It was only one year, but we went to each other's weddings, and kept in touch for the last 20 years.

My point is, Don't go in with preconceived notions. I bet she could go from country girl to glam girl no time, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
LOL NEF....I will give you all and update. G....By take her places I mean like trips and high roller stuff like that. I can take her fishing but I got child support to pay smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Also she is in medical sales, makes more money than me, and recently wrote a book. I am not intimidated but it is a dynamic that I am not used to. I guess I could her pool boy....hehe.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Oh, the medical sales chicks..... watch out for them. They are usually gorgeous and can talk anyone into anything......

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
LOL G.....now you see what I am working with here. It will be interesting.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,265
Likes: 58
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh, the medical sales chicks..... watch out for them. They are usually gorgeous and can talk anyone into anything......


They really are often cut from the same mold. Interestingly, from what you've told us Joseph, I think you kind of like that mold. But, yeah, often ADHD or ditzy types but well focused when needed to get what they want. Of course after they do, they are off to the next. But on the positive side, many are pretty nice. The role a penny plays on Big Bang Theory is not all that far off from what I'm talking about. But above all else, just be yourself. No overthinking, no games just be you and it will either be a match or it won't.

I don't want to hijack your thread here and I may write about this on my own but since we've talked so much here about OLD I thought I'd Tee it off here. So you know I've said I tried OLD multiple times thoughout the years but have been totally away for at least two years now. So, I now and then get an email from several of them - which I've just deleted. Well it finally made me think, hmmmm I may still have profiles active out there. So I went to look and sure enough I did. I've got a story about that too but will hold off. Anyhow as I'm administering to turning them off, I get a message from someone who seemed interesting enough. Turns out we have some things in common and have been emailing and texting for the last several days. Who knows where if anywhere it will go but how funny is this? Perhaps this is the way to do OLD without really doing OLD. As I looked around, while I can't be positive, I swear I saw multiple women whom I remember seeing years ago. Yep, they are still at it. The other thing I noticed is a marked increase in profiles with complaints about the OLD process and all of the things that go on. Clearly it's gotten even worse. And yes, I now fully removed my profiles. If anything happens with my happenstance meeting I'll write about it in my thread.

Good luck on your date!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Look at you DH back in the saddle again!! While my profile is currently offline, I had started to take that same approach. I had not reached out to a girl and initiated contact within the last month and just sit back and wait to see if they like me or send me an email. I have found that if a girl is interested she will initiate which is what this blonde girl did to me. She liked me then backed off so I could pursue her. I have had no success when I attempted to initiate contact on a cold attempt.

So you might just keep it active, don't initiate contact with anyone first, and just check in once every couple of days so they can see you are active on the site. That is all I do any more.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Alright had the date last night and I think it went really well. I was attracted to her and she is my type and I could tell by the signs she was giving off that she felt the same. She was asking me a lot of questions, was actively trying to keep the conversation going, touching my arm, had her body turned towards me, etc. We talked about quite a bit and it lasted around 3 hours. The topic of divorce came up which it always seems to so I tried to keep it brief but she commented that I seem to be in a really good place and I told her I was doing great. We shared pictures of our kids, she told me that I looked really good in my shirt, said she had a really close friend of hers that I needed to meet, and asked me if I have an active passport because she goes to grand cayman every year. We did kiss at the end of the date, an appropriate first date kiss.....it was a little awkward because it was by the valet stand and she commented that she hoped we would do this again sometime. I told her I would be in touch and I texted her when I got home to make sure she got home ok since we had been drinking and we’re about 20 min away from our houses. She responded right away, we had a brief exchange, she told me to sleep tight and that was it. The only negative to the date was about for the last hour of the date a band started playing so it was very hard to carry on conversation. She did say though that she had a blast.

So I will reach out to her later this week and try to set something up for next week and see where it goes. She still is not actively pursuing me or initiating contact which is concerning but maybe that is just part of her playing the game and keeping her options open.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Good for the early update. Didn’t sleep last night waiting for it.

I’m in a hurry right now but I promise to explain to you later a sentence I’m writing now:

“It’s a marathon and not a sprint...” wink


Uffffff


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Hey Nef....yeah I hear you. Actually having my girls this week helps with moving slow along with her being out of town this weekend. So there is really no reason for me to contact her this week as it would be just be idle chit chat. The funny thing is that my office is in the town she lives in so I could meet her for lunch but I am not going to initiate contact to make it happen. If she reached out to me and initiated contact then I might consider it. So my current plan is to reach out to her on Sunday of this week as I assume she won't be reaching out to me. After the date she did say she hoped to go out again some time and I told her I would be in touch but I didn't say when so outside of me reaching out to her on Saturday to make sure she got home ok she doesn't know when I will be reaching out again.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
OK, first, I am so glad you had such a nice date. She seems like a good fit so far and she seems interested in a second date.

But hear me. She is not going to initiate communication nor is she going to actively pursue. Why? because she is a woman, and we are told as women if we do so in the beginning we come off as too needy. I am told ALL THE TIME on here that I need to let the guy pursue me. Which is hard, because when I like someone, I reach out to them. I have had learned to put the reins on it in the beginning. A little further in I am more comfortable pursuing and inititating.

However, she should be responding to your contact. That would be a great sign. But you are going to wait until Sunday??? Idle chit chat is good when you can't see eachother because it keeps a connection of some sort.

I suggest you reach out. She isn't going to reach out to you, and if you don't, she might think you aren't interested.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Hey G...thanks, she seems interested however this is the first girl that I have ran into that has not initiated any contact. The only thing she has initiated so far was when she originally liked my profile. She is still active on the dating app so obviously she talking to and going out on dates with other dudes so I just wanted to give her some time and space as it appears she is just casually dating. If not Sunday then maybe Thursday before so she leaves for Florida so I guess I need to think on it.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Originally Posted by Joseph9
Hey G...thanks, she seems interested however this is the first girl that I have ran into that has not initiated any contact. The only thing she has initiated so far was when she originally liked my profile. She is still active on the dating app so obviously she talking to and going out on dates with other dudes so I just wanted to give her some time and space as it appears she is just casually dating. If not Sunday then maybe Thursday before so she leaves for Florida so I guess I need to think on it.


everyone is casually dating on dating sites! Until you have a few dates, maybe you don't want to go on anymore. No one is taking down their profile after a first date. Yu didn't.

Sunday is way too long. It's only Monday. So, how did all those women work out who initiated contact with you?

In the beginning, as old fashioned as it way sound, the dynamic should be the guy pursuing the girl. I wouldn't wait that long if you really are interested......

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Ok, like Ginger, let me start off with, I'm glad you had a great first date. But, I'm going with Ginger on this one. We women are CONSTANTLY told not to pursue, to let the man be "the man" and do the pursuing, and when we do pursue, we are called easy, slutty, etc. So, I totally agree with what G said about this lady not pursuing you.

And, why is idle chit chat a bad thing? I mean, I'm not saying you have to be talking all the time, but what is wrong with a well-placed "hey, hope your day was good" message in the evening or something of the like. She doesn't reach out to you, but you have said more than once that when you do reach out to her she always responds enthusiastically. Doesn't that tell you something?

So what if she's still active on the app and likely dating other men? Are you not still active on the app as well? What difference does it make? I still think you WAY over-think this stuff. Why do you have to have a plan about when to reach out to her? Don't get me wrong, that may have sounded harsh and I don't mean for it to, because I'm the world's BIGGEST over-thinker. I over-think EVERYTHING, but man, you just need to relax. If you like her and you had fun and you say she had fun, TALK to her and go out again. If the new wears off, so to speak, then you can decide whether to pull back and when. Just chill and have a good time. Quit thinking so much about it.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
For sure I don't expect her to take down her profile and stop dating, etc. I just think if a girl is really interested that she will reach out and won't play by the "rules". I am also concerned that by reaching out and showing her my interest it take some of the excitement and challenge out of it. I don't mind reaching out and pursuing but I think it has to be done in a way where the woman is not 100% sure of my interest level. It builds some mystery, suspense, makes her wonder why I am not blowing up her phone like every other dude....it provides a little bit of a challenge. I asked her out, I even texted her afterwards to make sure she got home ok and she texted back so if she wasn't interested she just would have ghosted me and if I wasn't interested I would not have reached out to her so she knows there is interest. So I give her a little bit of time to talk to her girlfriends about me, re-assess how she feels, maybe she shows them some pictures, etc.

Whether we want to admit it or not everyone plays the game to a certain extent. If a girl is not pursuing when she really wants to because that is what she is taught or has been told then she is guilty of playing the game as well. I think everyone has been giving some guidance or advice along the way about not showing too much interest. It goes both ways.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
The dating game and all these "rules" can be useful, but I'm afraid they may actually get in the way of something real. I've heard that it's natural for the woman to pursue, and making her wonder about me will actually increase her attraction. Obviously, both sides are being told, "don't pursue".

You know what I'm really looking for? Someone who'll say "F*** all these dating rules. I really like you."


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Well I agree with the girls here...you need to pursue a little. It shows interest. Ease your mind and go for it.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I really think you are shooting yourself in the foot here. Reach out to the woman and ask how her day is. A woman who is interested will LOVE that and perhaps feel more comfortable pursuing when you show her the lead.

Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Joseph9
We did kiss at the end of the date, an appropriate first date kiss.....it was a little awkward because it was by the valet stand and she commented that she hoped we would do this again sometime. I told her I would be in touch and I texted her when I got home to make sure she got home ok since we had been drinking and we’re about 20 min away from our houses. She responded right away, we had a brief exchange, she told me to sleep tight and that was it. The only negative to the date was about for the last hour of the date a band started playing so it was very hard to carry on conversation. She did say though that she had a blast.

So I will reach out to her later this week and try to set something up for next week and see where it goes. She still is not actively pursuing me or initiating contact which is concerning but maybe that is just part of her playing the game and keeping her options open.


She may not be initiating contact but she is pursuing in her own way. you had a date, and she was very responsive with your text afterwards. There is no harm in a text midweek around wednesday asking how she is and setting up a date for the next week. The date doesnt need to be on the weekend could be during the week when you dont have your kids.

You do not want to be to much no contact, because then she might think you are not interested and she could move on.

Rex


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
^^^^ all that Rex bolded is her laying the groundwork for your to advance. That's her way of pursuing. She expressed strong interest now she is hoping you will follow through with her obvious signs of interest.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
ok ok ok......I will reach out, should I ask her if she is free for lunch this week or just save it and get together next week? She is out of town this weekend and I am out of town next weekend so my only opportunities are a lunch date this week and if she is available during the middle of the week next week. The cool thing is that I work like 5 min from her house and she works from home....her kid is in 7th grade so I could do a mid day quickie smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard