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burned #2813857 09/22/18 09:42 PM
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I can vouch for GAL. Until I started eagerly pursuing things that make me happy, I was sad, depressed, and miserable. Now I can actually say I'm quite content. H is stuck, but I now realize that whether we stay together or not, I am prepared to have a full, content life. Of course I have periods of sadness, but that's o.k. Who doesn't,? What really helped me is rediscovering my faith.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
burned #2813867 09/22/18 11:33 PM
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I’m GALing hard right now at a wedding with my colleagues...who are all psychologists. But I took a bathroom break to check back here, mostly because I’m completely overwhelmed by what they decided to tell me after a few drinks.

W worked at my place of work for a couple years (until the day after BD), and she was always with me at various parties, so my colleagues know her well. And they are very fond of me, but not her.

There now seems to be a unanimous opinion, from people who don’t even know each other but know W and I and have seen us interact over the years. This includes my parents, my friends, and now my work family.

The unanimous opinion appears to be that I have been M to an emotionally abusive, selfish, naive, manipulative, passive-aggressive, vindictive, and “prickly” woman...the entire time. The A was just an inevitable step along the trail for W. She takes what she needs and leaves the bones behind.

Not one person I’ve talked to has held back now that things are out in the open. And what they’re telling me is fairly hard to digest.

The woman I thought I knew never existed.

I’m just completely floored. I have no idea what to do with this. Im trying as hard as I can to remind myself that this isn’t a dream. It’s going to take a lot of work to convince myself that I’m the only person who really understands. And repairing the MR would probably cost me the respect of everyone who cares about me.

I’ve been standing for an illusion. Unless this is an inevitable step in the process of “people wanting to help,” I think I just saw the writing on the wall.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
burned #2813884 09/23/18 05:32 AM
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All that advice you heard tonight supporting your "cause" is probably the same stuff your wife is hearing from her camp. If you truly believe all of that, why did you get married in the first and how is it that no one saw any of that before now?

You should be at the wedding to have fun, not talk about your sitch. Plus, what is talking about your sitch doing? Providing clarity? Destressing? Detaching? Or just causing anxiety?

Are you going to decide how to handle this on your own, or have everyone's words affected you to the point where now you are going to file for divorce? If their advice isn't that important, and you're going to decide on your own anyways, of what use was the advice? Maybe you should talk to an IC or trusted person about your sitch when you need to, but I don't agree with talking to all your coworkers about your sitch. I just don't see any benefit for you, but feel free to let me know if I am missing something here.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw #2813904 09/23/18 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
If you truly believe all of that, why did you get married in the first and how is it that no one saw any of that before now?


Supposedly they always knew it but chose not to tell me because they don’t consider it polite to meddle in other people’s relationships...until they decide that the relationship is over. Hmm.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Plus, what is talking about your sitch doing? Providing clarity? Destressing? Detaching? Or just causing anxiety?


It’s a long story but it comes down to my own mistake of having been too public in the beginning. I regret it. Now everyone has advice. Especially the ones who are so much happier after their own Ds. Mainly it was distressing.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Are you going to decide how to handle this on your own, or have everyone's words affected you to the point where now you are going to file for divorce?


Here’s the heart of the matter. I’m learning that a lot of the things I do in life have been because of what I’m told or what I think people will think. Lightbulb.

Amoafwl, I can see now why you might feel frustrated. It’s almost like I beg for advice and then stubbornly reject it. Great, another lightbulb.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Maybe you should talk to an IC or trusted person about your sitch when you need to, but I don't agree with talking to all your coworkers about your sitch. I just don't see any benefit for you, but feel free to let me know if I am missing something here.


You’re not missing anything. I’m realizing that I need to start buttoning things up. In fact, I think my chances of R were slim from the start on account of how publicly I’ve been dealing with things after BD. Let that be a lesson to the people reading this.

So, time to stop acting like this forum is my IC, and time to start focusing on me and my future.

Today’s GAL: food and music in the city.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
burned #2813913 09/23/18 01:15 PM
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I think it would have been perfectly acceptable last night to say something like “thank you for your thoughts, but let’s talk about something else.” I find now that when the topic of my ex-wife comes up, I hardly talk and just let whoever else is with me have their own conversation. Nobody else really KNOWS much - they are just reflecting on their experiences and their relationships with her - that doesn’t mean a whole lot in considering my past relationship. The long and short of it is that your friends want you to feel better. The easiest way is to trash on W. It could be real, could be their impression, could be figments of their imaginations. It doesn’t matter. They are just trying to help you “get over it” and feel better.

Now how about some actual GAL where you don’t spend hours contemplating your marriage...?

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Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Now how about some actual GAL where you don’t spend hours contemplating your marriage...?


I’ll set that as my goal for today. smile


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
burned #2813916 09/23/18 01:33 PM
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Burned,

I'm in the same boat in which everyone in my corner is now telling me they never liked or cared for WAW. Saying she was an emotional bully, vindictive, manipulative, selfish, etc.

I'm sure that I am now the biggest SOB A-hole that walked the earth in the eyes of WAW family/friends....

I don't give it two thoughts anymore...as I know the only people that really no the dynamics of my relationship are me & WAW. Unfortunately WAW is so far down the rabbit hole as it stands she won't even have an adult conversation with me and just stays in her own head and let's the perception of me that's she's created fester.

It [censored], but the reality is that I do believe her pride & ego are really the only deterrents that are standing in the way of R. She doesn't want to eat crow and look like a jerk if we were to come back together.


Me - 38 W-37
S6
M 10 years T 13yrs
BD 3/18
W moves out 4/18
W files 7/18

Never waste a good crisis
burned #2813922 09/23/18 02:17 PM
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Well then we have a lot in common in terms of what brought us here.

As to how to get to the point where it doesn’t grind up my insides, I’m hoping GAL will help.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
LITB #2813945 09/23/18 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by LITB
Slow down and breath. It usually isnt as bad as our fears make it out to be.


Gonna re-read this often. Thank you, and thanks for any insights you might have.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
burned #2813958 09/23/18 09:25 PM
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GAL, ftw.

Pretty girl sitting off to the side of the concert hall. I go to concerts here once or twice a year. I’ve seen her before but back then it was irrelevant. Today she was there with those cute boots. No rings on her hands.

I’m probably kidding myself, but she seemed to have intentionally walked near me on the way out. Sadly she was with her parents, and I’m deathly shy.

Anyway, a little taste of what’s in store for me. Refreshing. Detachment. I hope she’ll be there next month.

So, next question for the grown ups: how does one build up the nerve to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger?


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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