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My "hope" has been for some time that she would get her happily ever after with OM. Having her circle back isn't something that I want to have to deal with.

As time passes and I get perspective I feel more and more that she has in some ways been a victim as well. I expect that there were promises, expectations and lies on both sides between her and OM. I certainly can't imagine that her current situation is one that she planned on. In a number of ways her situation is precarious as her housing and employment is dependent on her now aging employers. I saw the wife side of the couple that owns the shop the other day and barely recognised her. If she were to lose her heavily discounted apartment and her job she would be pretty uncomfortable even with the money I send her. Money that will only be coming for a few more years.

I do think that her leaving was in many ways a calculated strategy to get a "better life" than the comfortable one she left. Limerance may well played a part but I don't think that was the deciding factor. She may well have been counting on his and her ability to control him via various ways like she controlled me for many years.

One thing that she posted in the spring was a meme that said "I can't give up. I have too many people to prove wrong." She never had to be humble nor apologize during our marriage. I did that for both of us wink She would have to be in either pretty desperate straights or come to realise the magnitude of the impact of her actions to do that. No. I expect that if she were to contact me it would be a mix of charm and pity that she would use.

Ah well. Time will tell and my future reading, mind reading turban has been on the fritz for quite some time.

On a more pleasant note I got a message from CL this morning thanking me for the supportive messages I have been sending. It would be nice if things were moving more smoothly and rapidly than they are but it is what it is. It's been roughly 3 months now since we connected and only 3 dates and no smooches. She's got a lot to deal with though and while I'm not waiting for her, I'm also not going anywhere else at the present.


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Yep, ex-spouses are like a combination of chronic burning rectal itch, unwanted ear hair, and gelatinous green snot.

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doodler,

What a description! LOL!


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by doodler
Yep, ex-spouses are like a combination of chronic burning rectal itch, unwanted ear hair, and gelatinous green snot
I'm glad you qualified that as unwanted ear hair laugh

When I was in Virginia I picked up peanuts - 'cuz Virginia. Depending on what else is going on, I'll be making peanut butter cookies either this afternoon or Sunday with extra peanuts. I'll try to set some aside for you doodler, but my ex-wife does still know where the spare key is so if they're all gone by the time you get here, blame her.

I had an odd realization yesterday. S24 and I were talking about Thanksgiving which here in Canada is coming up in 2 weeks. We both just take it for granted that we'll be spending it together as opposed to his mother swapping from year to year. This will be the third Thanksgiving we've spent together without her. She's not gotten ANY of the holidays on the day of the holiday since she left. To quote the ancient philospher Vizzini "Inconceivable".

Back in July when I first found out that CL was available and interested I mused to myself about celebrating Thanksgiving with her and her kids. Considering the speed at which things are moving that ain't gonna happen. Too bad. I think she'd like my roast duck. Starting to think through the menu now. Boiled turnip, fresh bread and fresh covered apple pie I believe are going to be had. Finding the duck might be a challenge. The place I went to before isn't dressing their ducks until the end of next month. It perhaps takes time to sew up the little bow ties and cummerbunds.

I sent CL a supportive message yesterday evening which she hasn't read yet. I expect that she will at some point in time. I've not pestered her with a "when shall we two meet again" for some time. She knows my availability and interest. I don't her's but she essentially could see me on any 6 of 7 days in any given week. She's an hour and half drive away but she's worth it and I've told her that. Since she's not the chatty sort via text at least with me, I don't know how her various issues have sorted out. I did notice late in the week that she'd posted some things online for sale. More purging I expect. It's going to be tough for her on the settlement I think as she has most of the actual property. I do hope that she is able to keep her house. That was top of her priority list. Oh well. I have two spare rooms although that means that she would need to share with someone wink

Writing that reminded me of the start of my relationship with my ex. She immediately took over my life and when I moved out of the shared apartment I had been living in, she immediately moved in with me. I was given no choice. She just assumed that she would.

Time for me to check to see what may have gone wrong at work in the last 18 hours, get my lists together. I need a new tarp to cover up my sloop - the high winds last night were not kind to the one that was on it. Fresh roses, groceries, a fresh baked scone for my tea later. It should be a good day to hang my washing outside today too despite the weather having turned suddenly cool overnight. I put fresh batteries in the thermostat - the furnace might come on in the coming week and I need to consider getting my storm windows up.

The leaves have started changing in the last few weeks and will probably start with a vengence now.

I do feel lonely but life is good. In many ways this is much the life that I would have imagined for myself 5 years ago, just not alone. I'm grateful that I have this place to "talk" lacking someone on the other side of the breakfast table. My cat Amy got bored some time ago and left. I miss having someone to listen to.

A bientot


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Andrew

I will bring the homemade rye bread for the peanut butter and we will sit and have tea. That will be healthy you know.

Just a word about exes, I like the description sparkly t@rd and of course Wassock.

What a lovely word Wassock. These exes go wassocking.

I get the lonely thing, that has started in my life, my recent injury has made me feel quite vulnerable. And of course I miss the physical stuff, it's got worse as time goes on. I also miss dancing too........

I did meet a lovely guy, Rugby player from Scotland, I bought his knee scooter on eBay. He came locally to play Rugby dropped off the scooter and invited me to the game. He is very very tall (a bit of an Adonis in physique, a red head too, my type) and I am some what short and curvy. But there was spark, I haven't persued it. 700 miles is a long way for a hug!

So I am sending you a V type internet rainbow hug.

I have learned a lot about ankles, tendons, muscles and toes. I know that if S23 is in pain, he should stop. Has he had an X ray? As by now any extra stress fractures may show. NO weight bearing and particularly no impact at all for a minimum of10 days on any bone injury whilst the soft callus forms. Lots and lots of mobility exercises because we dont want frozen shoulder of the ankle (well makes sense to me). If he has inflammation contrast baths ending with cold, and friction massage on any scar tissue. I suggest looking up flossing techniques as I found that was super helpful in getting rid of ankle inflammation. YouTube has got bobandbrad on physical therapy (they will make you smile as they are sort of morcambe and wise ish) and docontherun is amazing (google) but very serious indeed. Try googling Maya and ironcast ankles at least she is cute for a S23. I also took bone up which was developed from helping horses heal bones (that's the human formula version they made it because peeps kept eating the horse pills), K2 complex and of course lots of vit C.

Take care lovely Andrew, I am crossing all my fingers and toes that your romance goes well and one day I can come and throw some rice.

V




Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted by Vanilla
I will bring the homemade rye bread for the peanut butter and we will sit and have tea. That will be healthy you know.
I usually eat rye bread here. I'm an unreformed ingredients reader when shopping and it seemed to give me the best balance of nutrition. There should be lots of peanut butter left after I make the cookies. They should be ready mid-afternoon. I'll set a place for you.

Originally Posted by Vanilla
Just a word about exes, I like the description sparkly t@rd and of course Wassock.

What a lovely word Wassock. These exes go wassocking.

I get the lonely thing, that has started in my life, my recent injury has made me feel quite vulnerable. And of course I miss the physical stuff, it's got worse as time goes on. I also miss dancing too........
The only dancing I can do is the "awkward white guy shuffle". My ex didn't like dancing and on the few times we did, we moved at different rhythms and it was actually quite uncomfortable physically. CL assures me that she is a quite good dancer. Perhaps she'll be patient with me and teach. I'm glad that my ex has stayed away from me and is off wassocking somewhere else. I think that I am still vulnerable to her but much less so than in the past. There are days though that she could probably just walk back into my life. Fortunately she doesn't know that nor what those days are.

Originally Posted by Vanilla
So I am sending you a V type internet rainbow hug.
Awwweee Thanks. I'm sending a big Canadian bear hug back to you.

Originally Posted by Vanilla
I have learned a lot about ankles, tendons, muscles and toes. I know that if S23 is in pain, he should stop. Has he had an X ray?
Thanks V. I looked at a few of those and sent one over to S24. He did have a pretty thorough set of x-rays etc the day after his injury.

Originally Posted by Vanilla
Take care lovely Andrew, I am crossing all my fingers and toes that your romance goes well and one day I can come and throw some rice.
I do hope that such a day will come. I'm not sure whose hand I will be holding or when.

---------------

Random musings

I did hear from CL yesterday. She had been I think just a few miles from here presumably with her kids. From the brief note I believe that they had fun. I'm expecting that I won't see her this week but who knows. I may ask her late next week for us to set another date date if she doesn't ask me first. I don't believe that I'm in danger of being friend-zoned but you can never tell.

At the butcher shop yesterday I was chatting with one of the ladies who works there and she caught a reference to my going on a date when I was talking about S24's injuries and how he's eating more meat than usual. Her husband passed about 5 years ago and she said that her daughters are pushing her to start dating. She seemed sad that I was - she had hinted a couple of times over the last few years that she was available. But I think that the fact that I have been dating now is giving her some motivation to put herself out more.

At the flower shop I was served by "flower lady's" mother and suddenly FL shouts out "I've quit smoking!" from the small room off the counter. She's actually told me this previously but I went around and made a few supportive comments and chatted with her a bit. She was finishing up her lunch of her favourite food - take-away Chinese. It's interesting that since she quit smoking that her eyes are wider and more sparkling than they have been previously. And yes, I do have a "thing" for pretty eyes. She is "very" blonde and Even though there is a substantial age difference between us (minimum of 15 years I would think) I am at least a good match for her. Her and her S6's lives would certainly become a lot more comfortable and smoother. Mine would become busier. I'm pretty sure that her mother and others in the shop think that we should be dating.

I had a but of a funny adventure yesterday to share. When I pulled the tarp off of my sloop yesterday a large cloud of rather upset wasps boiled out. I grabbed a shot of them at sent it to the kids etc via SnapChat. I'd asked S24 to help with the tarp and minutes after I sent the Snap he hobbled out of the house to explain to me in detail that nope nope nope - he wasn't going to go anywhere near the wasps. Since I'm used to doing things alone, I got the new tarp up without any real problem and more importantly without any bites. I did find what I believe to be one of the nests and blasted it with wasp killer. I am generally reluctant to take any creatures' life but wasps are one of the few exceptions. When we get a good hard frost I'll go out and clean the boat of nests. They appear to just be in the cockpit and transom. None in the cabin although I did see a couple buzzing around the forepeak.

Well - this day isn't going to seize itself. Let's see what I can get a grip on.


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Hello Andrew

It has been a while since I was here. The last time was when you were getting the roof repaired. So much has happened. Dating, corporate buy outs, improvement with S24, a trip to D26 - I see you had a busy summer too.

I am glad that S24’s behaviour is better and consistent, it is a bit of a trial to get through the growing up of a teenager. My S21 shows a lot of positive signs, and then just two days ago washed his lunch kit is the kitchen sink and dries it with the dish towels. The whole kitchen still smells of diesel fuel (I don’t know! Maybe he spilled it on his kit) and the dish towels have permanent stains of fuel and just reek.

So on Sunday, after D16’s piano lesson I bought all new towels, and dish clothes. Spoke to all the kids about what I expected. It actually went over well, I’ll see how long it lasts.

Hey, this is your thread. What am I doing? smile

You have asked for some guidance on a few topics, I am a bit late but perhaps my view may still have some merit.

As to job security, corporate buy out, and switching companies. I like your idea of remaining with you current employer, the locally owned company, espically if the rumoured promotion for yourself materializes.

You have transferable skills, no doubt, and would be an asset in the new company. However, one of your better skills is loyalty. You have been with the company for, I believe 15 years, you are a loyal person, and money is not your primary driving factor.

Your loyalty also brings me to dating. I agree with you, one women at a time. Be loyal to her, even if it is casual dating. I am sure you would not want her dating two or three other men while seeking your affections. Respect her as you would like to be respected.

I do agree you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. If things do not work out then date someone else. You need not kiss all the frogs at the same time.

For me dating is exploring for compatibility, for similarities, for differences, for a match. A time to learn about them, their views, their morals, who they are. That takes time and going slow is a good idea. I also agree with other posters’ caution about going too slow.

I do not believe in soulmates. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and I am pretty sure there are at least 100 million that you would get along with excellently. Therefore there is always someone “better”. If you have found someone who is a match, and considers you a match, you need not look further.

Ok, disclaimer time. When I arrived here, broken-hearted, I had to have faith in the wise counsel I was receiving. I had never experienced what I went through, others had, and I choose to listen. Andrew, I have never been divorced, and I haven’t dated in thirty years, I never cheated, strayed, or betrayed my W or vows. I know I am extremely loyal and faithful, a small subset of the population. From life away from here, I know my views are not widely shared. Perhaps, there is wiser counsel you should consider following.

The Christian part of CL, and her conservative views. That is something that will need to be look into at some point. It is part of the whole dating and seeing if you are compatible. You do not need to answer it right away. In fact, dating will answer it for you, just be patient, relax, and enjoy your time together.

To the idea of telling flower girl, bank teller, WL1, WL2, etc... about dating CL. No. There is no need. Why cause pain or problems. They were friends you were considering dating before CL jumped the queue and asked you. They are not a bunch of plan B’s, they are still friends of your’s, who if things do not work out with CL you might resume finding the courage to ask for a date.

Be accurate on this. These ladies are friends, they had / have an importance in your mind that was not formalized. No official dating status, so no need to rock the boat. This is about them and their feelings, not about protecting the future dating pool. Just to be clear.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I was a bit disturbed a few hours later when I got a direct message from a married lady of my acquaintance asking if I was still in the city where I got the zapping done and if she and I could get together for coffee and she would provide me with pain relievers. She's "sort of" my niece. She's the daughter of my oldest sisters partner and about my age. We met about 2 years ago at her dad's funeral. I counter suggested that I would be happy to see her and her family if they happened to be around with my sister makes a planned visit this summer.

Seven weeks later a nice time is had, then a couple of dates / kisses, and currently eagerly awaiting her texts.

The human mind can rationalize anything. We have the ability to justify any action to ourselves.

Andrew, she is still married. You are the OM in their marriage.

I cannot believe things sometimes. This very situation has occurred with a guy from my work. I have had very difficult conversations with him. His heart wants what it wants and he did not listen, he was on cloud 9. Her divorce is getting bad, the kids are getting mixed up, her life is getting worse, and she cannot juggle a side boyfriend. She is a mess and is trying to end things with him, or maybe not, who knows - it is a mess! He is hurt and is now calling her crazy.

Andrew, I am worried for you.

I get it. You feel wanted, infatuated, loved. I too would love to have that again, God knows I miss it.

From what you have said, you are not too far into this relationship yet. You have had previous advice, I do not need to harp on you.

I am willing to discuss or further any points I have made or you wish to make.

I really do care about you, and I want the best for you.

You know your situation best.

DnJ


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Thank you so much DnJ for stopping by and the thoughtful comments.

Doing the single parent thing is tough even with older kids. I had a big smile reading your story about your S21. At least my son was nice enough to use old rags and in the garage to try to remove tar from his work shirt with the gasoline I needed to cut the lawn the next day. They do take us somewhat for granted and have expectations at times equivalent to when there were two functional parents I think. S24 does cut me a fair bit of slack these days I think. We talked last night and he set himself a very realistic goal of having his student loans paid off by next March. That came out when I asked him whether he thinks his current job is capable of supporting him independently - stressing that I wasn't throwing him out. He's not sure.

Originally Posted by DnJ
You have asked for some guidance on a few topics, I am a bit late but perhaps my view may still have some merit.
Absolutely. Your perspective is valuable to me. I think we have similar but not the same world-views.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Your loyalty also brings me to dating. I agree with you, one women at a time. Be loyal to her, even if it is casual dating. I am sure you would not want her dating two or three other men while seeking your affections. Respect her as you would like to be respected.

I do agree you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. If things do not work out then date someone else. You need not kiss all the frogs at the same time.
I love that last line. It's one of the reasons I've been reluctant to do the online thing. Too much pressure and too short of timelines.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I do not believe in soulmates. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and I am pretty sure there are at least 100 million that you would get along with excellently. Therefore there is always someone “better”. If you have found someone who is a match, and considers you a match, you need not look further.
I've always felt that a relationship requires effort and acceptance of the other person's differences.

Originally Posted by DnJ
The Christian part of CL, and her conservative views. That is something that will need to be look into at some point. It is part of the whole dating and seeing if you are compatible. You do not need to answer it right away. In fact, dating will answer it for you, just be patient, relax, and enjoy your time together.
I "think" that she knows my attitude. I am respectful and supportive of her Faith but it's not mine.

Originally Posted by DnJ
The human mind can rationalize anything. We have the ability to justify any action to ourselves.

Andrew, she is still married. You are the OM in their marriage.
Ooof! This is the part that caused me to wait until morning to respond.

This and your comments about your co-worker are absolutely spot on. For a particular value of spot on. As someone personally affected by infidelity this is a big thing.

To date nothing has been said or done that while it might cause an eyebrow to be raised by conservative folks doesn't cross the line of what could be the case of my interactions with any married woman.

My own point of view is that separated people do have the ability to explore new relationships. But as you suggest, for those relationships to be healthy ones people need to be in a good enough place to be able to navigate them.

Am I? Yes, I think so. I rarely think of my ex. She has no part in my life. Is she? Well, she's still in the midst of what she herself calls a "sh!t storm" (she has a bit of a potty mouth wink ) That is one of the reasons why despite a level of frustration, I'm working hard on not pushing things along. From my outside view, I do have some expectations that things will sort out for her by Christmas. I think that her STBX who has aggressively started pushing for the separation agreement is so that he can get the divorce done on the stroke of the 1 year of separation in mid-November. There is a possible OW involved. We don't talk about him except for her to complain about how he's conducting himself with her and her kids. My role in this? To not be an unwelcome distraction. To be a friend and supportive. To not add to her burdens. If I can be a "welcome" distraction that's something different.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I really do care about you, and I want the best for you.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.

I had an odd interaction with CL last night. I had come to believe that I had realized something important - she seemed to have a drive for perfection which I don't (my cookies were not perfect but are quite tasty) so I sent her a brief note via Messenger later in the evening. I knew that her S13 had confirmation classes so waited until they were probably over. As usual she wasn't online nor did she read the message for a hour or so. She responded linking to a FB post she'd made on the subject some time ago (it seems to be an important issue for her) referencing Matthew 5:48 and there was a long discussion with her friends on the topic. Interesting stuff (I re-read it later). It reminded me in many ways of The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. An interesting but perhaps overly philosophical read.

I presumed she was free and asked her about her day etc. After her second or third response, she let me know that she was in a church meeting and needed to be a good example. ??? Presumably she was bored and was not being a good example. Or it could have been a brush-off. I expect the former to be true.

As job would counsel me in the past - Dig deep for patience, have no expectations and live my life to the fullest.

In the mean-time I got a note from a friend at work that he wants to go out to lunch Friday and he suggests inviting WL along. I think he thinks that's the direction I should be going. She does have lovely deep brown eyes even if my work friend was slightly crude in his appreciation of another part of her anatomy.


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Ick. Nightmares again last night. Bad ones. I suppose I shouldn't have written what I did 'cuz they were of my ex just moving back in and pretending everything was fine and trying to manipulate me in all the old ways that used to work. At one point I thought I was dreaming, forced myself "awake" and it was still happening. There was one scene where the house was over-run with black kittens that was quite cute though. I would get angry at her and tell her to leave "my" house which she would just ignore.

Fortunately it all was indeed a dream.

I messaged CL briefly at the end of day yesterday and got a message back that things were going really bad for her. I sent a hug and then stepped away. My own expectation is that she's heard that instead of her STBX buying her out that she'll need to buy him out. None of my business and I didn't ask for details.

I've been sending her a "sticker" via messenger in the mornings just to let her know I'm thinking of her in a way that is hopefully reassuring but undemanding. Most times she ignores them - no response is requested or expected so no problem. She sent a cheerful response today. Hope her day is going better today. Despite my own desires to have her to talk to and to spend time with her, I need to continue to give her space to deal with whatever she's dealing with without pressure from me. She's very chatty in person but not so much by text. We aren't 21 though either.

The corporate merger is going moderately smoothly. Since I have a foot on both sides it gives me an interesting perspective. It does look like we're going to lose a big chunk of our chlorine based business as we're not competitive but in talking to people it's not a big surprise. And chlorine is nasty stuff to deal with anyway in an industrial setting. Tomorrow should be interesting as I'm working out of "their" offices.


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
There was one scene where the house was over-run with black kittens that was quite cute though.


Andrew,

I've been having a somewhat similar dream, usually around 4:30 am, where a black kitten jumps on me whilst I sleep. He starts to purr loudly and then he wants to play. Unfortunately, it's my reality (or a very lucid dream). I'm hoping that behavior will subside as the kitten gets older. He's a sweet little booger, but he sure fouls-up my sleep.

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