My main fear is losing the house in a D because I can't find the extra 120k I'd need to buy W out. If I keep the house then I could keep 50/50 custody kids. If I lose the house then I won't be able to afford to live in the local area and so I'll lose the kids. Anyone have 120K to save my family?
Your family isn't your house or money it's a relationship with a person who respects you and trusts you and loves you.
You use the word family but you mean everything that comes with it... house and money and stability.
Just because you act like a good man or husband does not mean your romantic relationship all that is built on will actually work. Which it hasnt. The relationship is toxic and needs to end.
Im really confused why you keep referring to saving the whole package i.e. home etc.. when the person who makes that possible doesn't want a relationship anymore. Its a fantasy you keep telling yourself to avoid the harsh reality of the situation.
From the start i have said in my opinion you are barking up the wrong tree and i still havent changed my opinion.
If you can't afford the house you need look outside the area. Those are the facts. You can either deal with those or continue to hope that an angel is going to come down, magically repair everything and make someone fall back in love with you and want to erase the past. Its not going to happen unfortunately.
Bit by bit this is going to start taking things from you unless you get your game face on and quick.
"If you can't afford the house you need look outside the area. Those are the facts."
My family is now the kids and I. The dilemma is that if I move outside of the area then I will lose 50/50 of the kids. That's the problem I'm going to be faced with. The only solution is to find enough money to afford to buy W share of the house but I'm short of the money. The only other hope is that I might be able to secure the house until the kids leave school in a D settlement and then W can have her share of the equity.
No other parents I know of let their kids have their own mobile phone at that age and it had been our established policy too.
So is this something you object to? If so, then have a discussion with W. Frankly, if it stays at home and is only being used to contact her (or you when its at her house), then it seems reasonable?
Originally Posted by DavidUK
However, W gave one a mobile phone to keep secret from me and to secretly use it to contact her. Kid was distraught at being put in that position by W.
....Really? This seems like a bit of a stretch. But in any case, I agree that it shouldnt be hidden.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I showed them how to use it. They had no interest at all in calling their Mum or anyone else. They only used it for text messages. I had it in between times to charge it up for them and so they didn't use it during meal times, at school (where kids phones are banned), during homework or bedtime . They don't call W and she accuses me of being controlling. One said they missed W so I suggested they called her. I didn't speak to W then or the next day when she called the main house phone to speak to them in the morning before school. I just answered and gave the phone to the kids.
The part I bolded is what I think you need to consider. Why are you taking it from them? You say to 'charge it', but I have to imagine they could charge it in their own rooms. Then you say you are limiting when they can use it. Which I get. But why do you need to TAKE it? That puts you in charge of their usage of it. Why cant you use it to help them learn responsibility? Let them be in charge of following the rules of the house.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I wondered whether giving-in over the kids having a mobile phone (W has got her own way over that) and encouraging the kids to contact their mum would be seen as W cake eating?
No. I dont think so. As long as you have an agreement about what is reasonable. If the kids were texting her 24/7 and interrupting your meal times and bedtimes every day, then sure, that seems like cake eating. But to have regular communication with their mom should be encouraged, I think. Why would you want to stifle those relationships?
Amoafwl, I'd never seen kid1 so distraught over anything before.
I went to the school this morning with the kids... and W turned up. I said to W that the phone is available for kid1 to use but they don't bother with it much. Kid2 then said they wanted a phone too. W said she (W) would have to speak to Daddy (me) about it... that is prob W talk for "No, you are too young" and for W to part-blame me.
I'm keeping busy - looking after kids on your own ensures that. I'm feeling good a lot more of the time.
A couple of mutual friends had been taking the side of W, do a lot with her each week, and were being bad towards me. Today they started talking to me again. Interestingly, W has a 'secret friend' and she was very closely watching us talking. It is weird that the 3 closest women friends of W have kids in the same small school but 2 of them don't know the other 1 is also a very close friend of W and stands only feet away most days. W and secret friend act like they don't know one another. It's very odd. My gut feeling is that secret friend knew in advance that W would be leaving but the other 2 certainly didn't.
More than 4 months gone since BD and I've not seen any MR progress apart from to me. It has been heartless, deceptive, brutal torture from W.
I've just had a call from the bank to say that W has taken the joint mortgage from the joint account into her own account and frozen the joint account.
I'm confused on the housing issue. You say you have to come up with 120k to buy her out of the house. What about her? Can she afford to buy you out? If so, wouldn't that be 120k in your pocket, that you could use to get housing? If not, then it seems neither one of you can afford to buy the other out, and the house will be sold as part of the divorce settlement, and you'll split the proceeds, with both of you then needing housing, and you use the courts at that point to make sure it's in the same city or town.
I'm positive I've never heard of anyone losing custody of their children because they can't buy their spouse out of their home. With kids, it isn't pay to play. I see that you have a solicitor/attorney -- is this really what you're being told? Is it possible you're misunderstanding the advice you're being given?
Four months is not much time, by the way. Certainly not in terms of a wayward "seeing the light" and coming back to your relationship. The bigger question is why, four months on, you are you still pursuing her and giving her so much headspace?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I couldn't afford to live locally with only half the proceeds from the house, it is a small place and the house is close to the school, and so I would lose my 50/50 of the kids if I lose the house. That is why I have to save the house.
W doesn't need her half of the money from the sale of the house. 2 years ago W gave some money to her parents to help buy a bigger house locally. I hadn't known W had given them money towards that (seems typical of a WAW to plan 2 years ahead), there's no mortgage on that house, and she's now living in it.
If she doesn't need it, can you just give her the 60k and make payments to her on the rest?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
If she doesn't need it, can you just give her the 60k and make payments to her on the rest?
Well, she would have to agree to that. Or the judge would have to mandate that, I think.
But Im curious why you couldn't refinance. Lets assume your house is 500K (just to have a number. I don't think the value of the house really matters given the numbers you mentioned above^^^). At least in the US, they would let you borrow up to 80% of the value. So, you could apply for an equity loan up to 400K - what you still owe (in this example, 140K) making a grand total of 260K of credit available. Of course, youd have to pay back the bank and add some interest. And my guess is that you would need to refinance the house into your name first before you could take a loan out like this under just your name.
Another option would be to sell your home. Again, lets assume 500K. Youd each walk away with 180K. I would again think you could at least put a down payment on a pretty nice house with that chunk of money.
Either way, you are going to acquire some debt, sure. And of course, I have no idea what the housing condition/market is like in the UK. Im just going by US info.
But my point is that I wonder if there are other solutions. What recommendation does your lawyer have? How about the bank? Or a real estate agent?
