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TF,

Your sitch sounds eerily similar to mine as I see we are similar in age. I'm a bit further along in the process as my WAW has moved out and I'm still in marital home. WAW also would get "migraines" at times and rely on me to hold her hand.

As I've continued to DB and work on myself, W has only grown in her resentment and increased her disrespect for me as she sees me getting happier. She was and continues to be an emotional abuser and always will take a shot at me when the opportunity presents itself. Well the further detached I've become, the less I respond or react and it only frustrates them more. It's almost comical at the behavior WAW resorts to acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum. She has also said why it took her leaving for me to make these changes, I just say I can't control what was in the past but wanted to ensure I am the best version of myself during this transition period.

I'm not at any point near R, as I believe WAW to be in a severe MLC, but the cracks in her armor are starting to bust at the seems and a lot of family and friends are finally taking notice.

I'm finally to a point where I've let her go. Strange thing I messed up and pressured her back in June in which her reaction was to file. Coming into October and not a thing has been done since I really started DB'ing. She is now actively reaching out to my family and trying to come up with excuses to come by the house or neighborhood. I stand firm in my boundaries and don't tolerate the disrespect anymore and she just continues to seem to be around the corner on a consistent basis. I don't put any emphasis or expectations into these increased occurrences, but figure as long as I keep my side of the street clean and stay the course, I'll be fit and prepared for whatever happens with the next chapter in life...with or without her.


Me - 38 W-37
S6
M 10 years T 13yrs
BD 3/18
W moves out 4/18
W files 7/18

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Originally Posted by EZdozit
TF,

Your sitch sounds eerily similar to mine as I see we are similar in age. I'm a bit further along in the process as my WAW has moved out and I'm still in marital home. WAW also would get "migraines" at times and rely on me to hold her hand.

As I've continued to DB and work on myself, W has only grown in her resentment and increased her disrespect for me as she sees me getting happier. She was and continues to be an emotional abuser and always will take a shot at me when the opportunity presents itself. Well the further detached I've become, the less I respond or react and it only frustrates them more. It's almost comical at the behavior WAW resorts to acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum. She has also said why it took her leaving for me to make these changes, I just say I can't control what was in the past but wanted to ensure I am the best version of myself during this transition period.

I'm not at any point near R, as I believe WAW to be in a severe MLC, but the cracks in her armor are starting to bust at the seems and a lot of family and friends are finally taking notice.

I'm finally to a point where I've let her go. Strange thing I messed up and pressured her back in June in which her reaction was to file. Coming into October and not a thing has been done since I really started DB'ing. She is now actively reaching out to my family and trying to come up with excuses to come by the house or neighborhood. I stand firm in my boundaries and don't tolerate the disrespect anymore and she just continues to seem to be around the corner on a consistent basis. I don't put any emphasis or expectations into these increased occurrences, but figure as long as I keep my side of the street clean and stay the course, I'll be fit and prepared for whatever happens with the next chapter in life...with or without her.



EZdozit,

She has had migraines most of our marriage or at least since the birth of our first child. I can't remember. She has even been on prescription Rx for them at times. She is now on over the counter medicine. They can get debilitating for her, like now where she is just trying to sleep them off like a hangover, to events like vomiting from pain.

I don't know if my wife is WW, WAS, MLC or all of the above. She is def dealing with some mental issues and I know my family are really concerned and feel like they have seen it for years, (she has been dealing with mental issues our whole marriage which if you ask her now will say its all because of me) her family are concerned as well and they are starting to see the cracks, but I think they still have blinders on. Now that BD has happened I don't talk to them about stuff like that anymore. Thanks for the insight I know I read your sitch, but I am going to go back and read it again.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Originally Posted by Twofeet
Again 18,

Seems like most of the posts on these boards are about sitches and how to deal with them. I don't seem to many inner reflections, but maybe I haven't looked enough. Anyway here goes....

I haven't quite finished the Mr Nice Guy book however I don't think I am a true blue nice guy, but I do have nice guy tendencies/traits. I don't recall any child abandonment issues and all the historical child issues that cause Mr. Nice Guy seem weird and dissimilar. That being said while my childhood wasn't terrible it also wasn't great. Lets just say I got to were I am at today pretty much by myself without the help from my folks, I wasn't abandoned I just was extremely independent. The support I did receive came mostly from my wife who also was my HS gf. I don't fear being alone which is a nice guy trait. In fact I enjoy it. I do week long solo hiking and hunting trips. That takes a lot of inner strength to overcome the fear and loneliness in the woods. I do fear abandonment from my wife and maybe I have formed some level of codependency. She is all I have known from hs to my adult life. If that is a Mr. Nice Guy I don't know I haven't seen that in the book yet. The traits I do exude are covert contracts, being controlling, conflict avoidance and fear of abandonment. However like I said I don't think my fear of abandonment is necessarily because of Mr. Nice Guy. The covert contracts is a big thing. I didn't really understand what I was doing until I read it last night. Most of the extra things I would do was to earn unsaid favors in exchange for the hope/expectation of sex. No sex, then fights. However things that I did around the house alluding to the previous post such as assembling furniture, checking cars, building things, yard work, finances, etc., etc., came early in the marriage from the expectation of my wife that the husband does certain man things and the wife does certain wife things. As time progressed I would try to get her involved in some of these things so she would know how to do them. Unfortunately, it got to the point where I gave up because she lacked interest, care, or would get angry or upset. Somethings such as yard work we now typically do together. Our roles changed overtime in that I would do certain things as well such as cook because I was better at it. It has gotten to the point where there are things I do that she doesn't know or hasn't wanted to know how to do, but there is literally almost nothing she does that I cannot do. (Later in our marriage she pushed equal partnership doing things 50/50 which in theory is good, but from what I read in reality results in unreal expectations and disappointment.)
I have been controlling at times, part of the whole Mr. Fix It mentality. Its partially due to keeping things smooth, and unchanged like Mr. Nice Guy, but part of it is to be embarrassingly honest, because of a superiority complex. In aspects such as her career she has out shined me to the point I am not sure if I will ever catch up. Not that I haven't done extremely well myself. In the beginning of our marriage I was definitely not a conflict avoider and in life and work I am not a conflict avoider. However, with the wear and tear of time in our marriage I eventually became someone who tries to avoid conflict with my wife. I also haven't show a lot of emotion, because my belief and how I was raised was that emotions show weakness and men are strong. However after BD my thoughts on emotions have changed a lot and it actually feels good to open up emotionally.

I know some of these traits had been fading especially in this last year of our marriage, but it may have been too little too late compounded by other factors such as her own personal and mental issues, her outlook on life ,and how she contributes or see herself contributing to the marriage.

Needless to say while I feel like I am a well balance person which might be why I am handling my sitch and DB so well, I am FAR from perfect. I think why DB works well for me because it kind of fits in my own mantra of its your job to make yourself happy not your spouses job. I really hope we can get to the point of reconciliation, but you can honestly see if we get there we have A LOT of work to do.

I think I misspoke. I think I mean I was too dependent on my wife not codependent.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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I hear what you're saying, I'm in the same boat I can't look back at my seemingly wonderful childhood and say oh yeah that's where I started down this Mr. Nice Guy trail. I do know that I have always found myself super anxious around women I like. For instance, I was made completely aware that my W was asking about me to a mutual friend yet when we happened to meet at the market I couldn't bring myself to ask her out. She ultimately did it :-(. She had a son already when we met he was just about a year old. She had broken up with her son's father and had 2 restraining orders against him. She was currently unemployed but was buying a house and had just got a new pickup truck. On the other hand, I had a steady career and money to help take care of things. Within a month she had a job but her job required some odd hours of work so I took up taking care of her son and since I worked nights too it made it perfect. So, I guess I had a hero complex regarding all of this. Look at me I'm such a good guy to step in and take care of things. But failed to realize she was giving me a home, her family which extended to my family, a son and all the joys of a marriage to a wonderful woman. Not that I held back affection, on the contrary, I've always been super affectionate as well. Problem is there was always a covert contract of you will respect, appreciate and love me for all of these things I do for you. Any argument would bring up my wounded pride for these things I did for them and felt I didn't get enough in return.


M46 W44
T20 M19
S21 D17 D11 D9
BD 1/2003
Reconciled 2/2004
Contemplating leaving again 4/2018
Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
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The weekend is over and, it is time to start the week. Wish I had 1 more day before the workweek. So as in a previous post I had to skip some solo GAL plans Saturday because my W was feeling ill and had a migraine. Around 430 p.m. I checked on her and she said she was feeling better. I went to church by myself for a Sat evening church service. First time I had been to church in many years. It was a good moment, but emotional at times. We had been married at this church and all our kids baptized there. A lot of memories came flooding back and as I said it got very emotional. Went out to dinner with my folks afterwards. Came home to the wife being very unpleasant, but I was doing so well there was no way she was going to drag me into her hole.
Sunday W slept till noon the got up to eat lunch and to work out. The kids and I had been up till 8 so after I made them lunch we went to my MIL/FIL house for a visit. Came home and wife was extremely unpleasant, likely mad I took the kids to her parents house. I have a very good relationship with them and in these post BD times this it makes her upset. Was this why she was so cold when I got home? Possibly, as she had expressed thoughts like this a few days after BD. Anyway she wanted to know if I let her parents know that she didn't know we were visiting otherwise she might have joined. I told her that we let her parents know that W was working out and had her own plans. She seemed satisfied with my answer. Told her if she really wanted to go she just has to ask we would have waited. She says she knows that but didn't want to go. Anyway she takes the girls and the dog for a short walk because they are complaining she doesn't do anything or spend time with them, which has become the new norm unfortunately. At dinner she timidly asks if I made dinner for her as well. I say I make meals for everyone in this household. She looks relieved, but I find it all weird. At dinner she blames me for her poor health and her high stress. She says she can't wait for D and hopes it comes asap so she be stress free and get healthy again. I validate her and just let the intent of the comments roll off my back. After dinner she says she wants to go for a drive and will take some of the kids, instead she just takes the dog. The kids and I do our thing together then W comes home about 30-45 min before bedtime then sets up for bed on the couch in the girls room. Well we are all in there and I don't plan on stopping playing with the kids just because she wants to post up for bed early on the couch. The S and the 2 D and I start dancing to some music vids on the internet over the tv. Wife is trying to ignore us but can't help it and eventually stops what she was doing to watch us. It appears to lighten her mood and cut a lot of tension in the air. It felt nice to have the tension gone and to feel like a happy family again even for a brief period of time. Afterward I put the kids to bed. Here I am Mon morning ready to take on a new week.

Last edited by Twofeet; 09/24/18 01:16 PM.

H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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You may want to slow down on the seeing the inlaws. The great relationship you have with them is very likely to turn to a bad one as time goes on. I wouldn't discuss things with them either.

So you told her that if she wanted to go she could have told you. I see your W is 35, I think she knew that. So I would advise you to skip the unnecessary convo.

Good job validating her feelings, but when she brings up D she is clearly delusional if she thinks that will be the end of her stress. If she wanted to be healthy now, she could do that. So don't validate garbage IMO.

You seem to be doing a good job of staying strong. Keep on...


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You may want to slow down on the seeing the inlaws. The great relationship you have with them is very likely to turn to a bad one as time goes on. I wouldn't discuss things with them either.

So you told her that if she wanted to go she could have told you. I see your W is 35, I think she knew that. So I would advise you to skip the unnecessary convo.

Good job validating her feelings, but when she brings up D she is clearly delusional if she thinks that will be the end of her stress. If she wanted to be healthy now, she could do that. So don't validate garbage IMO.

You seem to be doing a good job of staying strong. Keep on...


Its hard with the in-laws because my wife isn't wanting to take the kids to visit them. She has already turned them down before, in fact she doesn't turn them down as much as she has pissed them off to get them to revoke their invitation. When they have stopped by my wife makes it uncomfortable and they don't stick around. My FIL is also my hunting and fishing buddy and we are pretty tight. However, when I did visit we didn't talk about the D. They know how I feel about it and I know how they feel about it and we just leave it at that.

I probably didn't handle the convo about the visit with the W as best as I could. I think she was trying to see if I bad mouthed her to her parents about not wanting to go. I also validate her not feeling well. I didn't validate that I am the reason, heck no.

Last edited by Twofeet; 09/24/18 02:59 PM.

H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: Jul 2003
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don't believe the negative stuff but those positive comments those little sneak peaks of their true self those you can believe. Warning though don't latch on and start a R talk just nod in agreement and let it go. If you take the bait you will be bombarded with the negative again and a serious pull back as they rejustify their intent to leave the M.


M46 W44
T20 M19
S21 D17 D11 D9
BD 1/2003
Reconciled 2/2004
Contemplating leaving again 4/2018
Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
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Originally Posted by Twofeet
I told her I was truthfully too tired to do it tonight.


That's fine but you don't want to keep putting her off as that will look like avoidance. Come up with an alternate day and time to discuss it and ask her if that works for her.

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Anyway she goes on to tell me she has been planning the divorce on and off since the first year of marriage it just took 13 years to make up her mind.


Probably BS but she's rewriting history, and right now she BELIEVES her rewritten version so it's pointless to argue about it.

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I haven't quite finished the Mr Nice Guy book however I don't think I am a true blue nice guy, but I do have nice guy tendencies/traits.


Very few people are 100%, but many are 50% or more. The point isn't to "decide" if you are a NG or not, it's to identify the parts of yourself that need to change and work on those.

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The traits I do exude are covert contracts, being controlling, conflict avoidance and fear of abandonment.


GOOD! These are the things to work on, ESPECIALLY covert contracts. They are relationship killers! You attach all kinds of expectations to something but guess what, your spouse (or child or coworker or whoever) has NO IDEA what your expectations are. So their "failure" to meet those expectations are really YOUR failures in communication. Many of us here (me included) discovered this exact same issue about ourselves. The good news is it's relatively easy to work on once you're aware of it.

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Most of the extra things I would do was to earn unsaid favors in exchange for the hope/expectation of sex. No sex, then fights. However things that I did around the house alluding to the previous post such as assembling furniture, checking cars, building things, yard work, finances, etc., etc., came early in the marriage from the expectation of my wife that the husband does certain man things and the wife does certain wife things.


Yes, the trouble is her expectations may have been completely different than yours. Have you read the Five Love Languages? Sometimes we do things that we think are "deposits" in our spouse's "emotional bank account" but in fact it's not even on their radar. Vice versa too, sometimes they do things for us thinking they're rewarding us when in fact it's something we don't even care about. So we think we are filling their account up when instead it may be sitting on empty and resentment is just piling up instead.

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Needless to say while I feel like I am a well balance person which might be why I am handling my sitch and DB so well, I am FAR from perfect.


All of us have things to work on, and it's a lifetime job. Overall that was a great post with a lot of excellent observations and introspection! Now how can you adapt that into a plan for self-improvement moving forward?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I wish I didn't have to post here so often, but here goes....

So I looked at her who gets what list tonight. It's supposed to be 50/50, but she is basically trying to dump stuff on my list so she can cash out or force me to sell it and still cash out. She is saying she needs a downpayment for a new house ( not like I don't need a downpayment as well) and needs a new car. The new car is BS her car is barely 2 years old. She says my 8 year old suv is nicer. It's not but you can't argue with a WW/WAW. So, on the list some of the things are mine, but I don't want them so I tell her she wants this D so she has to sell it. She tries arguing with me, but I am not going to play ball. She then shuts down and gets frustrated. She says TF you are just trying to screw me over, you can just take this stuff and take less of my retirement in payment. I say I understand you are feeling frustrated and you feel like I am trying to screw you over, but if you want to be 50/50 then let's be 50/50, however, I will not be using retirement as payment. Well I thought this was the right thing to say, but maybe not because she starts getting vindictive. Her parents through the course of the marriage gave me some items that belong to my FIL and GFIL(RIP). They are heirloom items that I am to keep in the family. Well she wants me to buy her half or sell them. I say these items are to be passed on to our kids. She doesn't care. So I say I am returning these back to her parents if I can't afford to buy them. I refuse to sell them. She says let me think about. I calmly say we need to table this for another night as it's time to put the kids to bed. As I am putting the girls to bed she complains to me how difficult this is. I tell her I agree with her, and I think that it is intended to be difficult.

I am so forking p!$$ed right now. This is so forking greasy. We may not make it to mediation and it may go back to us getting individual lawyers. I guess I am still surprised by the new looks of anger, resentment, lack of respect dare I say hatred my wife shows me. Even during our biggest most heated fights I never felt the heat she is bringing. I guess I still have a hard time dealing with the thought "who the hell is this person?"


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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