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Gerda

In those dark days

When it was very difficult to hold myself together

I would go and sit in the quiet of church

Any church

I was hurting so much

I had no words to pray

So that was my prayer

To just present myself to G— on my knees


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gerda Offline OP
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DnJ, I can't believe I never wrote back to this because I got so much out of reading it. I am so so so tired.

Today was such a truly horrible day. I will write about that next.

But as far as what you are saying -- here's the thing I realized I fear. I think I have made peace with the fact that I need to get sole (physical) custody for the sake of my kids. But I don't know if I will get it. I want to ask the judge to make him move out if he is going to proceed with a D as it is impossibly stressful for me and my S to have him here while waiting (and for my S, he doesn't even know about H filing, he just thinks H wants to leave in a general way), though my D doesn't seem to be as bothered. I don't know if the judge will say he has to move out while this is going on. I don't know if I should even file a motion for the custody before the first hearing because I don't want his lawyer to be prepared for it in advance when I drop the bomb of his drinking and stealing money from my D's wallet and everything else, etc. So I obsess all day about what I will say and then imagine the judge knocking me down. Sometimes people, like my accountant today, will scare the pants off me saying how the judge doesn't like it when you don't have a lawyer, or another friend who went on and on about a friend who was in a mental institution and the judge still gave joint custody. So I obsess over how what I say will not work, of how I will feel like a fool or my H and his lawyer will get some kind of evil victory at the expense of the kids.

It's as if I can't have courage about it because I don't know if it will work. This is a huge stumbling block even in my faith walk. I am stuck somehow.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/27/18 02:47 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Gordie, I have thought about this image everyday since I first read what you wrote here. Today I was literally lying on the altar of my church under this big mosaic of Jesus on the cross, and I was thinking of you just sitting there, and how horrible you felt, and how now you feel okay.

But I didn't want to tell myself that you feel okay because W changed her mind because I am trying to accept my circumstances. Not to end my stand for my marriage and my family but because I need to let H go and accept God's will and understand the path on which God is leading me.

So I just thought of you sitting there and me lying there, and then I thought of you sitting there in the same church behind me at the same time, telling me that you remembered feeling like I felt and that a time of peace lay on the other side of all the court hearings and all the misery.

I always pray for you and your W. And for DnJ and Sjohn and SBJ and Westo too.

But today was so beyond bad. I will see if I can post it next but I am not sure I have the energy.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/27/18 03:01 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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DnJ Offline
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Gerda - Nice to hear from you.

It is really great that you made peace with the custody requirements and the separation. It is a lot to get a handle on.

And yes, you do not know what is going to happen. That is a fear, no doubt. Good on you for recognizing it.

You have a list of possible outcomes that are causing you stress. Asking to have H move out, should I file in advance, judge won’t like if I represent myself, H & L will win, worried about what I will say, worried about looking like a fool.

Ok, all valid worries. I am proud of you. That is a big step, seeing accurately and without denying anything. So what can you do?

Well first let me assure you, I had fears like that too. They do go away - once the ink is dry on the paperwork, until then try not to bite your nails too much.

However, these fears and possible outcomes can be lessened greatly - Get a lawyer.

That will help so very much. When I was in this boat, I was in no mental or emotional state to be negotiating (that would be the best case) or arguing (most probable case) with a lawyer or anyone for that matter.

Your L will have your best interests and only your best interested in mind. They also have knowledge that you need. They can tell you if you should or even can file to have H forced out. You wont be representing yourself so that cancels a couple of fears right away. You will have a much better idea and initial position.

Gerda, it makes sense and it will alleviate some of your obsessing. It will have a positive benefit on your health. This could, and probably will last a while, better have some help.

I know money is tight, I get it. Find the money - this is the most important negotiating you have ever done in your life, and may ever do in you life. Have representation.

Being the best you will be, is not always easy. You owe it to yourself and your kids to provide the best during this time. For me working to being your best is a great way to live in the light and have faith.

I can see you are stuck. So what to do about that stumbling block? Have faith in yourself and those you trust. Actively listen to the advice your are receiving.

Find a way around those stumbling blocks that litter your path. The more blocks you overcome the more positive possible outcomes you will recognize.

Gerda, the first block that you face - is you. All those fears and unknowns make you stuck. Off load that to an L, to someone who is not emotional tied to this, who does not have all those fears. I think you would agree they would better represent you.

I care about you and this is my honest sincere opinion from my head and heart.

(((Gerda)))

DnJ


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gerda,

I am so sorry that you are having a terrible time of it.

Fear can and will paralyze you from making some decisions Tif you allow it to take hold for very long. I agree w/DnJ, you need a lawyer. I realize money is tight at the moment, but a lawyer's advice is worth its weight in gold, especially when you are dealing with someone who is acting out and wants a divorce. He is not getting any better and he'll continue to push and manipulate you until you throw up your hands and say "enough" and give him what he wants...just to get him to go away.

Gerda, please get a lawyer...you need his/her advice before you go in front of a judge. It's better to be prepared and know exactly what you are entitled to than to go in there blindsided. You may be able to work out a payment plan w/a lawyer. Do you have a legal aid office where you live? Sometimes lawyers will do pro bono work to help others who can't afford legal services. You may want to check into that.

Take a deep breath and try to relax a bit today. Worry and anxiety are creating a lot of stress for you and it's not going to help your health. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Gerda Offline OP
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DnJ and Job,I really appreciate your care. At the moment I can either make the mortgage payments -- and in fact I can't always make those -- and buy groceries, or pay for a lawyer. I have looked into what it costs and it's not possible for me. I did pay a lawyer for a consultation to the understand the process. And I don't think that H will continue to have a lawyer for that long. I just don't think his friend is going to continue to fund that.

I have not been able to find anyone who would help me for free. My best friend's husband was a lawyer in family court and has been helping me also.

I am also going to go to a law clinic this month, hopefully before the first conference. Keep in mind that I have been representing myself in state supreme court for over a year with that other issue and doing pretty well.

Yes, I would love to have the emotional relief of someone doing all this for me. And if it seems to not be working, I will go to friends to help me pay for more help.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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You have said often that the property pays for itself. Then your income needs to come up if you are in such a bind. I know, it's a really difficult time, but what is there that you could do to increase your income at present? You're an intelligent woman, I'm sure there must be some job you could take or some way to increase your income from the work you do now, or some second job or side income you could do. If that's not possible then you may well need to revisit your expectations and sell the property. You can't keep struggling along in this precarious financial way though.

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Gerda Offline OP
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Yes, if my husband leaves, I can convert our apartment so that I can rent out one floor as part of our short-term rentals, and I will make 3000 - 10,000 more per month, depending on how far I go with it. It would be awesome and not very hard to do. I've planned the whole thing out already and I even asked H to stay at our cabin during the weekdays (we rarely rent that place midweek but can almost always get rentals in the city midweek) so that I could do it but he said no. Every year I make a little more in my other work as well.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/27/18 06:15 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gordie, you know what happened today? I had to go to court for my other nightmare thing with the business H and I used to own together, the one that I tried to sell but they never paid me -- and when I got out of that stress pit, I was pretty whipped but I had to turn in a paper to the other court for the D. I walked over there and started crying, then I had to ask around to various women I saw in there for someone to say they mailed the thing to his L and notarize it in front of the clerk, and I found a really nice woman after a few tries, so then I cried again after in relief, then I turned in the paper in a different office and completely started sobbing to the dumbfounded clerk -- But I also thought, that is fine, everyone should cry about this, it's good for the clerk to see that it matters! And then I came out of the courthouse and I could barely walk, I was so sad, could not stop crying, and walking up the street to my bike, I see a young nun approaching, all surrounded by sunlight. So I stopped her and asked her if she would pray with me, and she was so kind and good and light and I was clutching her hand with one hand and clutching this chain link fence with the other and listening to her prayers for peace and clarity and for me to feel God's presence and for H to know God again, both prayers for a miracle and prayers to accept God's will no matter how it all turned out, and I just felt that God really was with me, he had even sent in the big guns right when I needed it.

Left my phone down there so I have to go back now but I am not as destroyed now.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Remember that God will walk with you thru the rough times. Keep your faith in tact.

Isaiah 43:2 New International Version (NIV)
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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