I dont really know what she is, all I know is that midlife for dummies describes what has happened/is still happening perfectly, most time down to the same verbiage
So Ive decided to move from newcomers to here, as I feel I was a newcomer when she first started this a couple years ago. There was a brief pause with the MLC as she came back for a bit, we had a kid, but then she started the same things again. I have not really looking into this part of the forum yet. As I was so focused on other things last time.
Maybe shes just chronically unhappy with me and we really should call it quits. Its sad but I can see a future where we get back together and she just does this again.
OM/en came into the picture during her ultimatum to me ''this is your last chance'' and I think when they met, it was the catalyst or opening she needed to push for separation. She denies his/their (multiple) existence to this very day. I have not confronted her on what I know. Still think about doing it daily.
So here I am. Going to be reading a lot the next few weeks I am sure. Over analyzing everything as I do.
I look forward to talking to and reading about everything here.
Last edited by job; 09/20/1812:05 PM. Reason: Removed reference and link to another site name
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Her: I dont think I can give you what you want right now. Me: what is it you think I want? h:all of me, physically and emotionally, I mean physically I can give you what you want no problem lol, but emotionally no. Commitments no. What do you want exactly m: right now, i just want to set boundaries, im not ok with all of this, its volatile isnt it? h: thats entirely up to you? m: yeah, I get that. I guess then i dont really want anything from you. I want you to go through whatever you are going through and come out the other side a better person. I know you've been struggling with yourself for years. Just as I have been struggling with myself. h: thats probably the most encouraging thing you've said to me. I have definitely been struggling and its ongoing, but I feel like im working on it. I hope you like the person I am after its all said and done? I also hope we can reconcile after we've actually made positive changes? not just superficial ones m: what exactly does reconcile mean to you? i think you need to face your inner issues alone, because I will get in the way if i tried to be there for you.
then she didn't text me back and I assume that was too much pressure from me.
this morning, when she was picking up the kids, I could tell she was avoiding the conversation. I didn't try to push it, but she asked why I was being so quiet. I said, because she never answered the question. then she said it could mean lots of things really, ''i feel like we have sort of reconciled already'' I said ''no, we just haven't been fighting'' she said, ''oh, well it could just mean that in the future we have a new relationship or even a friendship.'' I said ''no, it doesn't mean friendship to me'' she just laughed and said ''oh just the one thing then'' I said'' maybe, just the one thing, who know's. I ended it there and said i hope she had a good day and I would see her later to get the kids.
This stuff is difficult. I wasnt feeling down or out, felt pretty positive and confident. i kept it calm and was sure of myself in my answers, even if I was unsure if they were the right things to say.
Oh well, new day!
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
I do not really text her or call her anymore. She sends me pictures/snaps of our kids when they are with her. Sometimes sends things she thinks are funny. Most people I talk to, say to move on. Cut ties and go no contact except for with children. I am really unsure of what is best. I do not however pressure her into any talks she does not initiate, even those I have been trying to keep pretty light and easy going.
I really am not sure whats going with OM/men, I think it may be plural. I know she's been dating and had one of them over to her place. I know that they have talked about sexual things they have done with each other in the past. I know that she was sexting with another married man who lives in another state, that she had a previous EA possibly PA with about 4 years ago. I did ask a couple weeks ago if she was dating/seeing/talking/sleeping with other men and she denied everything but talking to them. She is not aware, or is in denial, of the information I have regarding all of that.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Shrike, she seems a little too aware and verbal to me for an MLC/QLC kind of thing. But, I do think that your responses to her were right on point. It will be interesting to see how this turns out (for you it won't be fun, trust me I know the difference between interesting for someone else and painful for me).
You do sound grounded and confident and you seem like you know how to handle her
She may be too young for MLC but Im not sure if QLC is the same but if she goes through it now, maybe she wont repeat in her 40s --But it seems she has repeated this kind of behavior too often already-
They say MLC may be unresolved childhood issues. She will probably need to get to some a sort of help at some point to recover
At this point she seems to be more attracted to exploring other R which is a common MLC theme and having fun The MLCer cant get better while searching for Affair partners- it takes a looong time for many to recover if ever
She seems unwilling to work on herself or the R but seems connected to you by her texts many MLC will not keep an emotional connection with LBS for any great length of time-some will-
You have kids to take care of- and many of us here will put the focus on raising the kids as we watch the MLCer to see which direction they go
Many Mlcers will go out to sea and we have to create new lives while being the main parent and provider
You are young--you may have many options - Therapy is helpful for us-reading- Hang in-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Shrike, she seems a little too aware and verbal to me for an MLC/QLC kind of thing. But, I do think that your responses to her were right on point. It will be interesting to see how this turns out (for you it won't be fun, trust me I know the difference between interesting for someone else and painful for me).
Its definitely possible she isn't, I really have no idea what to expect with her anymore, and I have stopped trying to. I realize I cannot control her or make her do anything. I know its up to me to figure what sort of relationship, if any, I am willing to accept with her. I don't know what's going to happen, I am trying to embrace that uncertainty, let go of both our past and the future I thought we had. You are right, it will be both interesting and painful :'D
Originally Posted by peacetoday
Hi
You guys met and M fairly young..
You do sound grounded and confident and you seem like you know how to handle her
She may be too young for MLC but I'm not sure if QLC is the same but if she goes through it now, maybe she wont repeat in her 40s --But it seems she has repeated this kind of behavior too often already--
Thank you, I definitely don't feel grounded, especially around her, but it had been getting easier lately.
She definitely has a history of it now. I know I have to take that into consideration, even if she doesn't realize or admit to it. I mean I know what I was doing wrong in the relationship, to sort of push her to this. I realize that it is up to me to NOT be that person.
Part of me thinks that even if I had done or been everything she ''wanted'' that she still would have found a reason to do what she's doing. It has taken a long time to understand what I was and wasn't doing to hurt our marriage, it will at least help me in the future.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
They say MLC may be unresolved childhood issues. She will probably need to get to some a sort of help at some point to recover-
She has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood, and I strongly believe that getting married to me was a way for her to get away from them for a while, but she never processed them or has gotten help with it. I was her therapist, or at least tried to be for a while. She refuses to actually go in and see someone, since she had bad experiences with it as a child.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
At this point she seems to be more attracted to exploring other R which is a common MLC theme and having fun The MLCer cant get better while searching for Affair partners- it takes a looong time for many to recover if ever-
This definitely is her. She only wants to do things that make her ''happy'' and be around people that make her ''happy''. Even this morning, she said something along the lines of how she's finally exploring her sexuality.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
She seems unwilling to work on herself or the R but seems connected to you by her texts many MLC will not keep an emotional connection with LBS for any great length of time-some will--
As far as her connection I don't really get it. From what she says its all over the place. I know that I am not supposed to believe what she says, and only half of what she does. So I'm not sure its even worth going into some of the things said regarding still being in love.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
You have kids to take care of- and many of us here will put the focus on raising the kids as we watch the MLCer to see which direction they go
Many Mlcers will go out to sea and we have to create new lives while being the main parent and provider-
This makes me incredibly sad. The mindset doesn't make sense to me. It so much to just toss aside and disregard. The selfishness is something I don't really comprehend.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
You are young--you may have many options - Therapy is helpful for us-reading- Hang in-
I have a hard time reminding myself that it is possible to have a future without her and that I still have opportunities outside of this. I am seeing a therapist about once a month, but may try to see more often. I am not sure it really helps, but maybe letting it all out with someone will eventually allow me to move on. I know my co-workers and family are probably getting tired of it.
Thank you, all of this made me tear up a bit today. Perhaps in a good way.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
