She came back.....now what?

[LITB]

Hey BinNC,

I have some questions for you.

What is your living arrangement? Is it safe to say that you live separately?

A couple of things jumped out at me. You said that your GF broke up with you about 10x.
What was with the back and forth?

Can you tell us how your relationship skills are now, compared to when your M was derailed the first time?

What about your WAW? What is different about her now?

If she is still blaming others for her anxiety and depression, seems like a big obstacle to overcome. What has she done about it while you weren't together?

I hope she realizes that it isn't your job to make her happy. That is too much to ask from anyone. She needs to do her part. I get the feeling that she is under the impression that it is up to you to keep her happy. You can be part of her happiness, but you can't fix her.

[equalzr]

I dont have any advice for you either bin, other than to say take it sloooow. Ill be checking your thread out and good luck to you whatever you decide!

[BinNC]

Hi LITB.....I'll try to answer these as thoroughly as possible.

Hey BinNC,

I have some questions for you.

What is your living arrangement? Is it safe to say that you live separately?

Yes, we live separately. I have my own home and she rents a room from someone so her living situation is less permanent than mine. In fact, she's already eluded to moving in with me again.

A couple of things jumped out at me. You said that your GF broke up with you about 10x.
What was with the back and forth?

Well, when the GF and I first met, I was definitely not over the marriage but I grew to love her anyway because we did have a good relationship for the most part. She is 39 and has never had a relationship last more than 5 months since high school so there was a lot of relationship immaturity on her part. She didn't know how to handle conflict and would get very jealous over the little interactions I had with the ex-wife which were mostly business in nature. One time she almost broke up with me because I didn't pay enough attention to her while we were out for breakfast with some friends and another time she broke up with me because I felt physically ill and wanted to spend the day at home resting. So there was a lot of emotional internalizing about things that weren't really a big deal. So every time something like this would happen, she would put up a wall between us. I did have a tremendous emotional bond with her and felt we could've had a great relationship if we dealt with the conflict better but, the stonewalling on her part always made things worse and brought out the worst in me. She would basically make these emotional decisions and convince herself that we weren't right for each other then realize a few weeks later that she made a mistake.

Can you tell us how your relationship skills are now, compared to when your M was derailed the first time?

Well, I was never an openly loving person and I have definitely grown out of that. I come from a family that wasn't very loving for a large part of my life so I really didn't have those skills. So I've learned how to embrace those skills and provide nourishment in relationships and have learned that relationships are a we and not a you and I. Basically to do things that make the other person feel loved.

What about your WAW? What is different about her now?

She's definitely more open about her feelings and what she wants out of the relationship. Before if she had issues, she would just bottle them up for the most part. She has expressed her imperfections and realizations that relationships take work to be successful.

If she is still blaming others for her anxiety and depression, seems like a big obstacle to overcome. What has she done about it while you weren't together?

I don't think she has done anything besides turning to yoga and spirituality. She went to a therapist for one session and never went back.

I hope she realizes that it isn't your job to make her happy. That is too much to ask from anyone. She needs to do her part. I get the feeling that she is under the impression that it is up to you to keep her happy. You can be part of her happiness, but you can't fix her.

[LITB]

I wouldn't suggest having her move back quite yet. She needs to show consistent change over the course of time. Until then, I'd pay close attention to her actions to see if they align with committed intentions.

The blaming part is concerning. I think that really needs to be addressed or it is likely to be a problem in your relationship.

I'm glad to hear that you recognize areas that you needed to improve and have worked on them.

How about forgiveness? Have you been able to forgive her? Has she been able to forgive you?

The part of piecing that I found to be most challenging, is not throwing the mess in my W's face when things got heated. I was aware of that and would not go there. I knew it wouldn't be helpful. It all seems surreal now.

Anyhow, sounds like you have a decent handle on your situation.

[BinNC]

Forgiveness is something I'm working on. I do forgive her for the most part because I do realize my past mistakes and know those weren't easy for her. As far as her, she does say that she forgives me and likes the person I've grown into but I know she's not 100% there yet.

[LITB]

Forgiveness takes time. It isn't something that we are wired with.

It is essential in the piecing process. As the saying goes, There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.

[EZdozit]

BinNC,

When your x came back into life was it a pretty sudden thing or a gradual reentrance? I assume no kids at this point? I sure hope I can get to this point especially for my S.

[BinNC]

EZdozit,

That's correct, no kids. To me it was sudden. We had virtually no contact since the divorce in July of last year. She sent me a message asking to talk pretty much out of the blue saying she was "ready to tell her side of the story" and then asked if we could be friends. I was firm with her and told her no and that if she wanted to tell her side, she could send it to me in e-mail and would read it but that was it. Then maybe two or three weeks later she shows up at my house unannounced while the girlfriend was there. The girlfriend freaked out and left then refused to talk to me. So about two weeks later I told the ex-wife we could meet up and talk. Things just went from there.

[AnotherStander]

Hey B, welcome back!

Just when I was at the point of being comfortable in my new life, bam!

Unfortunately that's almost always how it works. The LBS finally moves on for good and THEN the WAS gets interested again.

So I know she has changed for the better, matured and dealt with some of her emotional issues and I've changed.

Do you really know that though? Are you sure she's not still chasing "happiness"? She didn't find it elsewhere so she hopes recon will bring it back? Her demons are inside her and she's got to deal with that before she'll ever truly be happy.

We're going to see a relationship counselor tomorrow but I have my doubts. I know those feelings are there because I do have glimpses of them here and there but it's frustrating that I can't relax and bring them into the forefront. Any advice on how to reconnect with her?

First, there is no hurry. Don't try and rush things. If she tries to rush, then tell her no, you're doing this on YOUR timetable. You've got to make sure it's what you both want and that -she- is in a healthy place for this.

Thanks Steve! Two years ago I would've killed to be in my position as well which is really confusing because I should be ecstatic about the situation. Part of me is definitely into it but part of me isn't. I'm willing to put in the work and maybe the love will come back with time.

Good. You should go into this with enough detachment that if it doesn't work out you don't feel like you're going through BD all over again.

It didn't go well. It's apparent to me that she is still dealing with anxiety and depression issues which she blamed me for during the end of the marriage. Now it's almost as if she still blames me and her family but is looking to me to get back to the times when we were happy.

Yeah I think you are spot on there. I think she needs a LOT more counseling before she'll be ready for a R again, with you or anyone else.

She doesn't want to get individual therapy for those issues but rather turns to things like yoga and spirituality which, in my opinion, isn't enough.

100% agree. You are in the position of control here, so I would suggest you make that a mandatory requirement of you even considering recon (that she needs to go through IC).

I do love her and care about her but I don't feel passionate about her or even miss her when she's not around and it does frustrate me.

Why does that frustrate you? That is exactly where you want to be. If you're too emotional about this you won't be able to think rationally and might jump into something too soon just hoping for the best.

I wouldn't suggest having her move back quite yet. She needs to show consistent change over the course of time. Until then, I'd pay close attention to her actions to see if they align with committed intentions.

^^^Agree^^^

[Btrow]

Hi BinNC

Thanks for coming back to post.

We rarely see recons here post D, particularly when it's a W leaves H sitch (can be counted on one hand in the last 10 years). You are not R yet, I know, but it appears to be what she wants, so the ball is definately in the LBS court.

I don't have any advice as you seem to handle this to perfection, so just a couple of questions if that is ok with you.

If you have been NC, I assume she hasn't seen any changes (improvements) in you, that brought her back? She basically wanted to go back to the exact person she left?

Did she know you had a GF when she reached out (or the state of your relationship with GF)?

Why now? Why not when her previous relationship ended? Do you know the answer to that?

From your first post in this thread, I can't see whether she had someone else when she left you, or at the time of D. Do you feel betrayed or is that not an issue for you?