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Gilbert Offline OP
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Right, my story is weird so bear with me.


My wife and I were married in april, we were together for a bit over 4 years at that point. She's 30 and I will be 27 next saturday. During a turbulent time living at my parents (we found my father in cardiac arrest on january 1,performed cpr and he was "perfectly fine" after 6 weeks of coma) things were tense. So two weeks after the wedding her colleague (now OM) kissed her, and she was actually trying to work on it. My ego did take a giant hit, and it was hard for me to let it go. We went on our honeymoon, things were well again. Untill I started my new job.(Where she and OM work aswell) at an It detachment firm. She was already on a 2 year project, so we werent working together) It was the happiest she saw me in years, and it aparantly made her feel like she wasnt able to make me happy. Shortly after I found out she was back in contact with OM. I confronted her, and she said she wanted a divorce. That crushed me, so I started begging and pleading. (I used to be extremely confident, so its quite a terrible sight). Well, next morning she seemed to be fine again, and we went our normal business and I tried to do better (yes, doing all the things I never did in an attempt to nice her back, all while being spineless and afraid) This only made things worse, and even though she suggested we went into counceling I could feel her pull away. She started drinking everyday,, and basically bounced between willing to save it, and completely wanting out. I no longer recognized her, she was always very caring to me and our dogs (doggy parents)
But this changed. She got fired from the project, and so did the OM ( she said a manager was hitting on her).
I decided at some point it wasnt worth going through this, if ahe didnt respect me. So I started detaching (from the drama,not her) this worked.. But evertime something happened to her(because of her own destructive behavior) she would blame me for all of her issues, and pull away again. She started telling me things like that she was more of a "free love" kind of girl in the first place, and was only interested in bdsm right now. (She broke up with her ex because he wanted an open relationship, so im calling bs ) A month ago I found out she was having a PA with OM, and he had left his wife. She tried to deny it at first, and wanted more counceling. (While tellling me she still wanted out) but she left the house the same day. At work the rumors started going, as she was not trying to hide her "friendship" (she still insists that they are in love, but are just friends). I tried to keep it low profile, as I did not want to get her fired (I went dark for a 3 weeks, and only responded to the dog related stuff) Last friday HR came to me and asked how I was dealing with the situation. As she seemed to know everything already I didnt deny any of the rumours.
My wife was extremely angry with me, because both her and OM are now on the shortlist for being fired (though their shared history at the last project isnt helping either). I for some reason still very much love her. I am however completely aware that persuing isnt doing me any good. And thus I am living my life, and seem to be doing way better than she is.

I no longer feel that all that has happened is my fault either. And most of the time I am able to completely detach (,and other than greetings pretty much ignore her at work)

On the brightside, regarding 180's. Because of the therapy I was diagnosed with the top 1% of ADHD along with dystemia. I never considered myself a very hyperactive person, so I figured it would be ADD.


But in the end it did kinda all fall into place, and Im glad it did.
The meds are a godsend though, along with some therapy.

She send me a list tonight with stuff she wants to have, yet she wants to stay co-owner of the house.. The mystery of women..

Im rambling, nice to mee ya!

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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I wouldn't read too much into any ADHD stuff. They like to label and medicate. And besides, I get ADD when I'm bored.

You are going to hear this over and over and over. Read the detachment thread. Detach from your W emotionally.

GAL. Get a life. Seriously, get friends, do stuff. What do you like to do? Your W isn't detached from you either it seems.

Stop pursuing. It doesn't appear to have worked yet, so quit trying harder at what doesn't work.

Be that guy you talked about, fun happy, independent.

It [censored] that your work knows about it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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