ambivalent WW - detach? -- Part 3

[burned]

I just can't stand the fact that everything is working out just the way she wants it to, and I'm the one suffering. "I'm so happy on my own, nobody to make me feel bad about myself." So she is just "getting away with it" like kech's H.

[SteveLW]

burned, I always advise posters to not file for D UNLESS they want a D. You're right, doing it to manipulate her will backfire. In fact, most WASs/WSs WANT the LBS to do the dirty work of D. That is why they do the things they do, to try to push the LBS to get fed up and say "forget this" and go file. Some LBSs do get to the point where now they want a D and go file.

But you have decide what you want first. When you WANT a D then go file by all means. WASs will rarely pull that trigger if they think they can push the LBS to do it.

[SteveLW]

I just can't stand the fact that everything is working out just the way she wants it to, and I'm the one suffering. "I'm so happy on my own, nobody to make me feel bad about myself." So she is just "getting away with it" like kech's H.

Eh, don't believe that for a minute! Remember, believe nothing she says. Her life could be miserable right now, but she isn't going to let you know that. She is going to put a smile on and pretend like this is the best thing she's ever done. The

The bigger point is, who cares? If she is happy as a lark, or as miserable as a fly with its wings pulled off, or more likely any thing in between, who cares? It changes nothing that you should be doing.

You admit to not doing GAL well. Change that.

[Davide]

Burned,

I feel you. My WAW, at least in my imagination, is enjoying her freedom and opportunity to live free of the MR. But, so what? Even if the Ws are living up and happy, why should that affect our emotions? If we are living our best lives and GALing as much as possible and making the changes to become the person we want to be, that not only should be enough for us, it has to be. Living our best lives is the only thing we can control. Whatever the W is doing is irrelevant and only distracts us from what we should be focusing on.

Also, it doesn't sound like you are ready to D, so be very cautious about starting down that path.

[burned]

Also, it doesn't sound like you are ready to D, so be very cautious about starting down that path.

Kicking myself because on Sunday I texted her, "This is what you want, fine, let me be the one to start the process." She later responded by saying something along the lines of "I thought we were working on being friends" which I interpreted to mean, why are you taking such a drastic step all of a sudden?

But I have no idea. I just keep making things worse.

[SteveLW]

Yes, those kinds of interaction do make things worse. Limbo suchs. But it is better than D if that is not what you want.

I hated limbo. There were times I wanted to blow everything up because I hated limbo so much. Then a DB vet here told me that "limbo is the gift of time". Changed my whole perspective. You have to have patience. Let the process work, and stop doing things that hurt your sitch.

[burned]

Just that I'm trying hard to understand how it counts as limbo when W:

1. She said she wants D
2. Changed her Instagram name, which is an unusually public action for someone who is deathly afraid of "what people will think"
3. Took off her rings

Then she also said, "It's never black-and-white." And various other confusing garbage.

Believe nothing she says. But her actions are consistent and calculated.

Is it too late for the process to work?

[Davide]

In my mind, limbo is mainly in the mind and attitude of the LBS. So long as you are either a) still attached emotionally to her or b) willing to take on the role of the lighthouse, waiting with detachment to see what happens, you are in limbo. One is obviously much more helpful than the other, but both involve waiting to see if the WAS's journey takes them back to the LBS.

It is always YOUR choice to end limbo by letting go and not waiting any more. It doesn't sound like you are that point yet, though.

Regarding the D talk, if you aren't ready for it, I would just not follow up or bring it up unless she specifically asks about it. If she does,tell her the truth - that you aren't ready to D, that you spoke in the heat of emotion, but that if she wants to go down that route you won't oppose her.

[MoveFrwd]

Burned -

You are moving and posting a mile a minute. You aren’t going to get the answers today. Just sit back for a time. Focus on your apartment and work. Focus on restarting some exciting GAL. Just let all of your questions dangle. SHE probably doesn’t even know what it all means. Accept that you can’t know or understand or CONTROL everything.

Understand that as of now, she isn’t interested in a R with you.

Knowing that, what is important to you? What do you want THAT life to look like?

[burned]

Amoafwl, thanks. I know I need to get my mind off of her and onto me. But I’ve always been kind of a dependent person. (I met her exactly 15 years ago today, side note)

I’m trying to figure out this respect issue, reading about other sitches and feedback from Sandi and Hoosjim.

WW has gotten just about everything she wanted since BD, because I kept giving it to her in the name of being nice so that she wouldn’t leave.

I feel like when I first discovered A on BD and took a strong stand on keeping her and trying to R, she had little stars in her eyes. Then I set up MC and a weekend relationship workshop. Then she wanted S and I said why, so you can resume A, she said well that’s not what it’s about but what would you do about it? I said I would end the marriage if she saw him again. But I didn’t want her to have her own place where she could see him, so I was the one who left. (The A did resume for a night, and I just kind of let it slide right by).

I even remember 2 or 3 distinct moments when it almost felt like she was taunting me, or at least testing me, to see what I would do. Like, when I found out that she was in contact with OM again after that night, she said something like, what are you gonna do about it. Not in an angry way but almost like she wanted me to say I won’t tolerate it. Instead, I said I’m not trying to control her and she can do whatever she wants but consider that it’s disrespectful to me. The next week was the closest we ever felt since S and it was because she thought I had revealed A to OM’s W. She hugged me and looked at me with those starry eyes again and said, why did you do it? Like she was proud of me for rescuing her. (I didn’t do it, I told her that my friends did, and she went right back to being angry at me and at them for interfering with OM’s private life, whatever.)

There were various other missed opportunities to show her that I could stand up for myself. Then the complaining about how her baloney was causing me to act weak at work resulting in mistreatment by some colleagues. And so forth. MC once said that she won’t feel safe with me until she feels that I can stand up for myself, so that then I can stand up for her when she needs me to. I didn’t realize at the time that I was being tested. I didn’t know about DB and it seemed counterintuitive to stand up TO her to show her that I would stand up FOR her.

So here we are. She is in the house, while I’m moving into another apartment. I’m paying the mortgage, the bills, etc. She has the dog and cats. She asked me to gift her one of our cars so that it would have only her name on the title, and I did. And so forth.

Then about a month ago I got friend-zoned, and neglected AnotherStander’s advice to put my foot down on not switching from husband to friend. And then this weekend I tried to use the threat of D to stand up for myself, and she yet again called my bluff.

A lot of older, wiser people are telling me that I’ve basically always let her take and take and take and then when she decided she wanted more, off she went. I took pride in being a generous, kind, patient person. But here I am. A weak shell of who I used to be. And she’s looking down at me thinking, what a sucher.

GAL for me will make me feel better for me, I know. I need to get back to the person I used to be. I don’t think at this point it will make much of a difference to her, but that’s beside the point.

Have I lost so much respect that it’s too late? In other words, does it make any sense to keep standing? Has anyone gotten to R from such a low point? Could really use some input from Hoosjim.