Gordie 22 eight months after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

Journaling



So we are at some sort of plateau

A new normal

We talk daily

No more ILYs

Friendly non sexual physical touch

Separate bedrooms

We can be seen in public together

She even invited me to a social function

And introduced me to others as her H

We never speak of OMs and the aborted divorce

Maybe we never will



Kids are better for the most part

Grades are better for all except one

That one is still anxious that things could go south at any moment

I know that feeling so have tried to reassure him



W has gotten involved in some charitable work

This has been a very healthy development

It excites her and is meaningful to her

And it allows her to focus less on self and more on helping others

[DnJ]

Hello Gordie

It is sad about kid and their fears. I know you are doing a good job reassuring him. All the kids have been through a lot, it is tough on them, good thing they got a great role model near by. Hey that’s you, in case I was too criptic with my hints.

You are wise not to push for answers. Her not speaking about OMs and aborted divorce, I would hazard a guess and say is normal, as much as anything is normal in this situation. She probably is still figuring out what the H3ll she did, and why. Kind of hard to speak about stuff when you are still figuring it out.

Don’t worry she will speak when she feels safe and secure. That has more to do with her than you. It is going to take time for her to feel safe and secure to herself as she is continuing to wakening to her actions.

Besides those answers really don’t matter that much.

Keep being that model of patience.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

Don’t worry she will speak when she feels safe and secure. That has more to do with her than you. It is going to take time for her to feel safe and secure to herself as she is continuing to wakening to her actions.

I don't quite agree with this.

My point of view - from quite a distance and without my glasses - is that she's successfully rug-sweeping and pretending that what happened never did. I suspect but don't know that that's Gordie's opinion as well.

Because I like bad imagery and long stories it reminds me of a tree gall. Damage is done to a tree by an outside force and the tree grows "around" the wound. It's still there. Will it fester and cause problems in the future or will it just be part of the tree? I certainly don't know.

I have an ash tree that my youngest brother gave me from the family farm. It has 2 main branches growing that I was worried that it would cause the tree to rot and split. I was going to cut one of them off and allow the remaining one to grow stronger on it's own. But my brother (who studied and practiced forestry) suggested that I bolt the two branches together and have them grow and heal up the crotch and reduce the pressure pulling them away. So I put a piece of threaded rod though the trunks and torqued them down. If you look at the tree now, you can see a couple of inches of threaded rod. The nuts and washers on the ends are long absorbed into the tree. At some future point, the tree will need to come down and that threaded rod will probably be an unpleasant surprise to someone.

[DnJ]

I do agree with the rug sweeping. I think it is to be expected. When and what happens next Is the real tale.

An MLCer having to own up to and acknowledge their actions cannot happen all at once. They may think and feel they have got away with it for a while, however like the beating of the heart in The Tell-Tale Heart, it is there in the mind and it will need to be reconciled.

I think that given time people will admit or atone for their actions. They have to, even if it is just to themselves. Finding peace demands you quell your demons.

An other idea is that the MLCer during those crazy times was someone so different that once out they have no recollection of, or maybe no index to, the various actions and feeling they had during that time. A little like your own memories of childhood. We can all remember back to a certain early memory but no further. We all have memories of those previous times, just no index to them, no common language to understand our thinking from that time.

At any rate, that is only my opinion, and time will provide answers - in it’s own sweet time.

Have a great day guys

DnJ

[Rose888]

I think actions can tell you a lot about whether or not your spouse is sweeping things under the rug or not.

A spouse to seems to be trying to understand herself better (reading or in therapy or listening to podcasts), who does some 180s of her own that make her a better person/spouse, who avoids the people or situation that were associated with the affair, etc., is probably not sweeping things under the rug and will at some point talk to you about it, or at least say something that opens the door for you to bring it up.

It's a conversation that probably needs to be had, but if actions are positive, then I would hold off until after full reconciliation before I brought it up.

I think.

The affair bit is not something I had to deal with.

[Gerda]

DnJ and Andrew -- I agree of course with DnJ but I love your ash tree story and it reminds me a lot of the ash tree in George Macdonald's incredible book, Phantastes, which anyone reading these words should go and get right now and read it cover to cover. He was CS Lewis' model in a way, and that book will give you a lot to think about in terms of your own journey and the MLCer.

But anyway -- Andrew's story could be interpreted in several ways, and I am going to go with DnJ's. The tree grows achingly slowly. We humans can't even tell it's growing day by day. Andrew gave his tree continued life not by cutting off a limb but by binding two limbs together. As I read it, I thought of how Gordie and his W needed a kindly tree-carer to come and rebind them -- they were already part of the same tree, but the tree was ill, and many thought a limb should be cut off. Instead, a tree-carer came and did something unusual to bind the limbs together again, to see if they could indeed grow together, to see if the bolt inside would cause them to bear fruit or become a hidden wound.

In Gordie's case, the tree-carer is God, so I have confidence that if he doesn't try to rush things but lets the caring be done by the only one who can mend it, the tree will be healed.

[Gerda]

Meanwhile, Gordie -- you always talk about just listening. But what does this mean when my H is a writer? I can see that you let your W talk and talk and you just listen. But how do you see that playing out in my situation when these monstering sessions or diatribes of self+wounds are all in writing? (And also they are generally so abusive, combined with the financial abuse side of things, that I need to build a boundary lest I collapse completely.) In fact I have stopped looking at or speaking to my H, and his insanity and hatred plus my ostracism of him is making our household a very toxic place to be. There is no fighting but there is a horrible feeling all the time. I feel that I could speak to him and talk to him again if he leaves. I need space to heal, and talking to him or looking at him here and now is like grinding a salty blade into an open wound. But if he leaves, I think I could do it.

Anyway the point is that I rarely answer his notes so I am not "listening." Actually, I usually spend an hour or two answering his notes, then force myself to wait until that night or the next day to send it, and by that time, almost always I manage to delete it without sending.

But sometimes I wonder about showing I am "listening" to these notes and wonder what you think about that since you are the master of listening. You can use one of the many notes of his that I have posted to tell me what you mean if you do think there is a listening response.

I will not be able to do anything about it now because of what I said above but I would like to think about it for a while and one day maybe I will be able to take your advice.

Maybe this post belongs in my own thread so I guess I will post it there too.

[Gordie]

DNJ

I am not pressing for answers

As you said what is the point

My desire for the big apology has faded over time

Am I okay with the rug sweeping

My actions say that I am

Is that an act of conflict avoidance

Or is it patiently loving my wife and living my life


Andrew

I loved your story

We grew apart

Our tree almost split

Can we be bolted back together and grow together again

Yes it is possible

But it will take time

A very long time

And the scars will always be there

But even scars fade



Rose888

I think her actions show that she is working on herself

Conversations can wait

No relationship talks until after full reconciliation

Define full reconciliation

I think I know

And fear I may never get there

But fear gets me nowhere

So I am going to let that go



Gerda

You are going to make me cry

Yes indeed

The tree carer is God

And my tree is sick

When the pain was so great

I wanted to cut my own limb free

And saw no chance to heal

But here I am these many months later

Still under the same roof

Trying to love her and keep my family together

Still cautious of another round of running

But less cautious each day

I will respond to your other q on your thread

[OneArt]

Gordie, while I don’t have a reconciliation, I have found there is a place beyond the pain. Even 6 weeks ago I would still cry almost every time I took a shower. But not since. I think the tears have dried up. I sometimes feel mad, but it doesn’t last long, or concerned, or amused, but none of these feelings linger. The desire I once had to know everything is gone, and now I think about my own peace and how that trumps the need to comprehend. Even the limbo hasn’t been bothering me. Finally, after two long and painful years, there is nothing more I want to research, no more angles to investigate. Instead I’ve become an explorer in my own life. I think I understand where you are. A couple of times a day I say, as I always have for my deceased father, “I love you H”, then I go about my day.

[SBJ]

Gordie, you are doing what you feel is right and nobody on here understands exactly what it is like in your home and your relationship. Even though there are similarities within all of our situations, our relationships are just as different as fingerprints...no two are alike.

From the get go, you have done all you could to understand what was going on...now you are at a place that many never arrive at. This is kind of uncharted territory. As you go thru your daily life and journal here, those of us that are still following along and hoping that our spouses finish cooking are on the edge of our seat with anticipation of your success. You are rocking what is being thrown at you. I toast you every night for your courage and your tenacity, and I keep praying that hearts are softened for complete healing and restoration for not only your marriage, but all of ours.

Keep kicking ass my brother!!!