Gordie 22 eight months after she dropped the D

[OneArt]

Despite all the pain and emotional hardship, I'm a better person today. If he would talk to me, I might really thank him for doing what he did because it forced me out of a bad situation that my loyalty would probably have kept me in forever. These days I just feel sad for him that he can't manage to do any of this the right way and I believe he is still hurting himself more than anyone else. I for one, am happy to have seen the man behind the machine.

[Gordie]

I heard a story on the radio that resonated with me

It was about a middle aged man who had been shot by his own father decades earlier

His father went to jail and out of his life

A few decades later the father was released from prison and reached out to his son

Son was very cautious but decided to be open and meet with him

Strangely the father acted as if nothing had happened

He did not speak of the event and offered no apology

Son wanted to ask him why he did he do what he did

But then he came to a point where he realized there was no point

He said I realized the pain of me not knowing the answer

Was more bearable than forcing him to tell me

[Gordie]

Struggling with my parents

They only want to talk about my situation

I have told them I do not want to talk about it with them

They persist

I get frustrated

They get upset

It makes me not want to spend time with them

But they are getting older

What to do

[Gerda]

That story about the father and son -- WOW. Also the way you write it. You pull exactly the most important details and say everything in so few words. It's a real gift. I want you to write a short story.

Meanwhile -- about your parents -- what is it they want to say or talk about? Your response of wanting to run seems very normal. You have taken on a very difficult task and walked it alone with only God. It's too hard to explain it to anyone with God. I don't think you have to tell them anything. Can't you just say,

"It's better if you share your worries with God and let me walk my path on my own. I trust God with my family and I am okay with all the mystery and uncertainty because of that." If they press you, just say, "Since I really just want to lean on God, it will only cause tension if you keep asking me about this. I know you love me and I love you. Let's just leave this at the altar."

If they are not believers, you could find the secular version of that?

[AndrewP]

Gordie - one thing we have both learned here is that we can't control other people. I am sure your parents are coming from a place of kindness and love and also perhaps nosy busy-bodies

There's an acronym that I found on another site that might be helpful. BIFF. Brief. Informative. Firm. Friendly.

If you keep the answers short and then change the subject to something more positive and interesting and forward looking, perhaps in time they'll stop focusing on what went wrong in the past.

[Gordie]

Gerda thank you for your kind words

I would love to write a short story

I love to read so writing is a fantasy of mine

A fantasy I have never explored

A well written story is a work of art

A gift from the writer to the reader



Andrew thank you for checking in

I know I cannot control them which is why it is hard

I love them but they push all my buttons

They live far away but I still go see them regularly

I told them I do not wish to speak about w

And they honored my wishes until it was time for me to leave

They said they want me and the kids to spend the holidays with them

I told them I could not commit to that under the current circumstances

Then they pressed for more information

And they started with the guilt trips

I was brief and firm

They would not let it go

I felt my blood pressure rising

And then I left



Journaling

My good days now far outnumber my bad days

The truth is w is still baking

I am not at risk of divorce in the near term

But I am also not fully reconciled

W is still trying to figure out who she is and how to make herself happy

She has gone through a lot of changes in her thinking about

Diet and physical appearance

Religious beliefs and practices

Social beliefs and practices

The meaning and purpose of life

So for two years of this journey she was convinced she needed to be free if me to live life as a single woman

Which is what brought me here



It is as the Women in MLC book describes

It really is like a second adolescence

I am in year six of her MLC

[neffer]

G, your patience is admirable. Is W doing IC?

[Gordie]

Neffer

W has been on and off IC

I hope it has been helpful but not sure

IC encouraged divorce

Follow your feelings

Had no issues with seeing OM because it felt right

[DnJ]

Hi Gordie

Still following along.

You mean the IC encouraged divorce before, not now right?

It is great when your good days far exceed your bad ones.

Keep racking up the good days.

[Gordie]

DNJ

I do not know

She does not speak of IC these days

I do not ask