Gordie 22 eight months after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

Previous Thread:

Gordie 21 going with my gut


Thank you all for the encouragement

Devvo how did it feel when she said she was no longer angry

It felt good to hear words match her actions

Things are still tentative and cautious

So I am trying to keep expectations low

Similar to when she said she did not want to be divorced

But has never said I want to be married

Do you see the difference

But these days I put more weight on her actions

Actions have been positive

Words are still difficult

But feel like things are so much better

Not where I wish them to eventually be

But that is okay for now

Patience patience patience

[Gordie]

Journaling

Unlike DNJ my kids have seen their grades drop dramatically during this crisis

Trying to get them back on track

Start the year off on the right foot



I am more relaxed at home

W is more relaxed

Kids are more relaxed

That tension in the air is gone



Last few weeks w has asked me to go out for a date

This week I asked her

When we go out

I am no longer anxious something bad will happen

That there will be another b d


We have reached a new plateau

Where we are comfortable with one another

Enjoy one another

I do not know if and how this new relationship will develop

Will it be a friendship

Will it be a romance

[job]

Gordie,

This is wonderful news! Keep up the good work!

[DnJ]

Hello Gordie.

Sorry to hear about the kids’ grades. It is a good outlook you have - the starting the new year off on the right foot.i suspect that with W being “around” more it will be benifical to lowering your childrens’ stress and therefore help with scholastic achievements.

I honestly cannot imagine the stress you and your kids had to endure. You know I have major respect for what you have gone through.

As you have stated, the tension in the air is gone. That is fantastic.

Things are going really well for you. And I second job, keep up the good work! It is indeed wonderful news.

[Gordie]

DNJ and Job

Thank you as always

This is such a supportive community

Praise and encouragement from you means a lot

I consider you very wise souls


I just read the Freckle6 success story praised by Roist

She reconciled after separation of four years and divorce

Ironically they were piecing when the d was finalized

She expressed a few things I have been feeling

1 a long period of having a platonic relationship with a lot of uncertainty

I find myself wanting more but know this cannot be rushed

W has to go at her own pace

I can hope but not expect

2 recognition that wounds heal but that there will always be scars

You cannot pretend the bad stuff never happened

Better to acknowledge that reality and move forward

3 a sober minded view of marriage and commitment

This recognition of reality as DNJ would say as harsh as it is

Reality is that either party can end a relationship any day

Freckle6 says they reconciled and even had another baby

But that she will never marry again

It is just a piece of paper

And that piece of paper will not keep anyone who wants to leave from doing so


I have had all of these feelings too

And glad to know I am not the only one

[DnJ]

Gordie those are very enlightened feelings you have there. I am sure seeing them expressed by Freckles6 was reassuring, maybe even a little hopeful.

The ability to see the harshness of reality is an unfortunate, or maybe a fortunate, byproduct / outcome of living and healing from this MLC storm. How do you see it? Fortunate or unfortunate? Both?

Seeing behind the curtain can never be undone. It is that age old question - a blessing or a curse? It real depends on how you choose to view it.

Hope you are enjoying your Sunday.

[OneArt]

Gordie, I have a scholar and a non-scholar. The non-scholar had a talent that we knew would get her into her program of choice and it did. She failed a class senior year with dad's shenanigans, but it was fine.

The scholar was always very independent about his work and on top of everything. If he got even a 97 he was upset about it. Then, midway through middle school, dad's antics began. Scholar suffered. Grades dropped immensely. Last year was the start of high school. I had pulled my head out of my you know what and for the first time had to really jump in and make sure the work was getting done. I was not thrilled about it because I am not a helicopter parent and think that independence is something we owe our children. He was not thrilled about it. But, he finished the year one B+ shy of a 4.0. After Cs, Ds and Fs the prior year, it was a miracle. His classes are super advanced and his school is tops.

This year, I'm still having to sit on top of things, but he is becoming himself again. He is no longer saying what is the point, I don't care how I do, school isn't everything, etc. He is saying I love this class and that class, this teacher isn't so bad, I made another friend today, when can we start going on college tours.

The kids probably just need a lot of hand-holding still. I think they do this to feel our love and our involvement more intensely. I think they test us to make sure we are there and we will help them through and we will not let them go.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Gordie,

I took a lot away from your post about not pretending the bad stuff never happened. The ol' sweep it under the rug technique. It doesn't work well for me either, and just builds up negative emotions.

I'm glad to see you are getting comfortable again and were able to ask about a date. I wasn't comfortable with that either, but it turns out I was right for not being be.

I know my parents' divorce was tough on me, right as I turned 16. Luckily my grades never suffered, but their sitch was over and done with in 6 months, with no floundering on anything. I hope they continue to improve and stay steady with their schoolwork. Obviously these situations bring stress that adults can't handle, so it's going to be hard on a child or teen.

And I really liked DNJ's post about seeing behind the curtain, is it a blessing or a curse. I guess there's positives and negatives to lots of things. Our dispositions determine our outcomes.

[sjohns6]

Gordie,

I have so much respect for you and how you handle your situation. I find myself at a place where I am not so sure I am eve interested in reconciling with W, and it doesn't seem to be out of anger. I'm just not attracted to the person she has become and she shows no signs of becoming anything different. I feel that way, and then I think of you. I remember that you said that you were at this point too, and here you are now patiently dating your W. You are a lighthouse, but not just for your W, for us (me) too. Thank you for being you and sharing that with us. I bet your kids are going to rock it this year!!

#teamgordie

[Gordie]

DNJ I absolutely found Freckles to be hopeful

To know others have been down this path

And that my thoughts and feelings are not unusual

I do at times get impatient

But that is normal too

Stay the course



Oneart you are right

I am not by nature a hand holder

But old dogs must learn new tricks

Kids need dad more

And dad needs to do more hand holding

So be it



Over rainbow

DNJ has a way of hitting the nail on the head

I have been thinking about that

Is it better to have seen what I cannot unsee

I only know I am a better man today

It is what it is



Sjohn6 you are too kind

I have received and continue to receive so much here

It warms my heart to know I help others too



Journaling

Not much new to report

I am definitely hand holding the teens

Getting them off on the right foot

W continues to gradually warm up

Wants to talk more like a new friend