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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Those are good things to share with the kids, Gordie. I know that my behavior is affected by my interactions with W despite my attempts to hide it. So, I feel the need to explain SOMETHING so that they don't form their own opinions regarding my mood.

So, W did me a favor today. She forgot to tell me something regarding a party for S to go to and asked if she could take him. I agreed and then she was an hour late picking him up, and son did not look happy about it. He looked pretty bummed. What was the favor you ask?? With her actions she reminded me how foggy in the head she still is. As a result, I'm not missing her today. Thank you, W...missing you was hard. Indifference is easier.


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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How are you


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Thanks for checking on me, Gordie.

I've been having my ups and downs, but overall I'm good. I am still struggling with the decision to continue standing or not. Then I struggle with the fact that I even ask the question...as if it matters. I know that I have to continue living my life and release all expectations that I have for my W. That is a difficult thing to do because with her living somewhere else now, I find that my thoughts of her are not on the past couple of years, but of all the years before that. That causes me to miss her. It causes me to want to call her and tell her how I feel...that I miss her. I know I can't do that, and I know that my desire to do that is keeping me from moving forward faster than I am. I also know that I can't force my way through that set of feelings. I've tried. I tried to force myself to let go, and maybe for a few days it seemed to work. Then I would cycle back to loving and missing her. I finally realized that only time will allow me to fully let go/move on and that I have to experience this grief and move through it...not around it.

In the beginning I was living moment to moment. I was getting triggered by all her actions and cycling up and down with her moods. It was unbearable. I was able to detach to a very small degree and then not cycle with her as much, but I was living hour to hour, and then day to day. Now that she has moved out I find myself doing really well for 4 to 5 days at a time. To the point that after several days feeling good that I am done with W. I realized that this has more to do with not seeing her or talking to her. Then, I see her or talk to her and I then miss her again. I do not act on it, but it takes me between a few minutes to a day to get back to not missing her and feeling sad. So, I am going through days at a time where I am feeling much better. Even on the days I am missing W, it isn't an overly oppressive feeling, just a sadness that pops up from missing someone you dearly care about. Today I am missing her...

I have had my kids for the last week and it has been great! We have done lots of stuff over the last few days. I am keeping us active and GAL for myself and the kids (family life), so I am faking it till I make it, and I am making it more often now than faking it.

Of course, with all my attempts and efforts at moving on and getting a life, I still miss my wife.


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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Sjohn6

Take it easy on yourself

You have a lot of hard earned well awareness

And you are grieving something you loved

The good times of the past

And the promise of what was to be your future

No way around it

Grief can get quite dark

How is your support network


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Sjohn6, I agree with Gordie and I will add this --

Your love is beautiful beautiful beautiful and full of truth -- you love what was/is most true! You love her through her darkness! How I wish someone would feel that way about me.

It's a hard cross to carry (and believe me, I totally understand as I carry the same one!) but it makes you shine with light. You are shining into my darkness right now.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Thank you Gordie and Gerda. You guys are amazing and I appreciate all of your help and kind words.

Gordie, you are right...I do need to take it easier on myself. I've been doing better with that the last couple of weeks. I've started to let go a little and get back to myself some. Not the me that I was with W, but ME. I had begun to forget there was a difference. I have a decent support network, but if I'm to be honest, I've been trying to lean on others a little less lately. My friends and family, and Ws family for that matter, are all wonderful in their support of me, but few of them truly understand the depth of what I am going through. Most people just get divorced when stuff like this happens. I think I've attained sainthood amongst my family and friends due to how I've handled myself, but thats just because they don't understand the nature of my love for my W and how MLC works. It causes me to want to share less with them as I learn to stand on my own 2 feet again. I really have been getting better and more detached, but I still have my down days here and there.

Gerda, I just love your heart. Your message made me tear up a little. Thank you so much for your kindness and I am glad we are able to shine light to each other at our times of need. I've had to take a step back from the forums for a bit lately. I've been doing pretty good at being detached, but sometimes when I get on the forums its such a stark reminder of all that I've gone through and all I have left to experience. Sometimes it keeps me from living day to day and appreciating that day. I'm sorry that I haven't been here to help in your time of need. It sounds like you are going through a tough time. My heart goes out to you. I really needed to post today so I came back and caught up on a few peoples posts.

Journalling...

So, I've been doing pretty well these past couple of weeks. Ws actions (the little I see of them) are not affecting me hardly at all. She is occasionally nice, although I really haven't been reading much in to that. And when I say occasionally, I don't mean that she is mean the rest of the time...just that she is still distant. Previously I would read something in to every nice gesture from her thinking it meant something. Now I am starting to see her behavior as a bit awkward. She doesn't seem to know how to act. I still see lots of bizarre behavior from her..well bizarre for her anyways. She still seems unfocused and her emotions seem misplaced...for everything. She got braces recently. I know it isn't that crazy for an adult to get braces, but the timing just makes it seem weird.

I have had the kids this past week. As time goes on, I am starting to realize the disconnect between my daughter and W. D does not seem to want to spend time with W at all. She never wants to go there when its her time to be with her. Son says W is frustrating sometimes, but that he gets along with her ok. My sons 15th bday is today making this a busy week for us. Last Friday both kids had sporting events that I had to pick them up from. Saturday son had a sand volleyball tournament all day, and daughter had fencing lessons. Since sons bday was today and he had school and then another volleyball match, I was going to try and do fun stuff with him on Sunday for his bday. On Saturday night I found out that one of my friends daughters (15 years old) committed suicide a couple of days ago. She hung herself and her sister (17 years old) found her. It was devastating news. I have not spent a lot of time with them recently, but our kids played together as babies and we would watch eachothers kids from time to time. Her funeral service was Sunday. Even though there were lots of friends and family there, he asked me to speak at the funeral. So, I had a few hours to prepare something to say on Sunday morning. I made my kids breakfast and tried to be up beat and fun (it was sons bday celebration day) and then took them to my sisters to hang out with family while I went to the funeral. W went to the funeral, although not with me. I did not realize when my friend asked me to speak that I was the only friend he asked. It was an honor. I also read a poem. W was pretty emotional. We hugged and she was sweet.

After the funeral I went back to get my kids and had to try and switch back in to happy bday mode. Got the kids and went home to enjoy an evening together. It went well, but it was hard to stay upbeat after the emotional upheaval of a day. Today is my sons bday and I can't help think about the day he was born. My W had a natural birth with a midwife and no drugs. She was in labor for 3 days. When my son finally came, I pulled him from the womb barehanded. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. He was happy and healthy and I couldn't believe the world was trusting me with another human life. I have always been so proud of my W for that and amazed at her strength. So, with today being his birthday and after all that transpired this weekend, I have to say I am feeling a bit emotional today. Not in a bad way, but kind of in an "all over the place" kind of way. Nothing like the death of a child and your first borns birthday to rip you away from your detachment.

Now I'm getting ready to go to my sons volleyball game. Got to get my game face on cause its bday dinner after that with the in-laws. I think I'm going to need an emotional rest soon...I am exhausted!!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Apr 2017
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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I wanted to also share the speech I gave at the funeral for my friends daughter. Not sure why, maybe its just therapeutic for me. Here it goes:

What can you say when there are no words? What can you do when there is nothing that will take away the hurt?

I stand here today as a representative of a family in grief and a community in mourning.

We are all united not only in our desire to pay our respects to Olivia and celebrate her life, but rather in our need to do so.

All of you being here and the outpouring of love and compassion you have shown is a more tribute to Olivia than I can ever hope to offer.

We gather to celebrate Olivia (beans), who brought joy to so many. A young woman that took joy in the hopes, dreams, and accomplishments of others. A girl who's eyes would light up a room and who's smile was contagious. In every memory I have of her, she is wearing a smile from ear to ear. Just seeing her face would brighten your day.

As parents, our biggest fear is to bury our children; it is so unfair and seems unnatural. The loss of an innocent with so much life left to live defies any understanding. A hole has been carved into our hearts that can never be fully healed.

To her parents, I cannot comprehend the depth of your grief. We all know how much you loved her and how hard you tried to support her in everything that she did.

She was such an extraordinary young woman, and today, we gather to celebrate the life she has lead. Olivia was the very essence of compassion, of style, beauty, and spunk.

This tent is filled to overflowing and everyone here is a testament to the beautiful person that she was, and we can all honor Olivia in the days to come. The connections we have with those of us around us are precious, yet fleeting. I challenge you to grab a hold of your loved ones and tell them how much you love them. Hug them, spend time with them, cherish your relationships. Listen, learn and love, love harder than you ever have before.

We are all fragile right now, so please be especially observant of anyone that seems to be slipping in the struggle to deal with the grief. It is going to be a process that will be ongoing.

Today is our chance to say thank you for the way you brightened our lives. Our lives are indeed better having had you in it, and we are so grateful that we got to take part in your life and you in ours.

You will forever be in our hearts. You will not be forgotten


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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That was beautiful. Made me tear up. Made me want to hug my children. Unfortunately I am on a business trip and I cannot hug them right now.

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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Thanks Vapo. After the funeral I went straight home and hugged mine. So glad that I had them this week!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Sjohn6

Yes that was beautiful and from the heart

You are a good friend


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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