Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda.

I am glad you are finding clarity. Don’t worry if things fog up a bit, it will clear again.

I know you are having a tough time. Just want to remind you, I am thinking about you, praying for you, and hoping for the best. No matter how dark it seems, things will get better, you will be better.

Take care, and all the best

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ and everyone else, If you can believe it, things got even worse last week. My neighbor (and close friend) freaked out about my son not going to school and called child services again, so I am once again under investigation on top of everything else.

God renewed and restored my faith so I have been walking with some confidence and much less fear. I will post more soon.

DnJ, thank you for being such a good friend. What you said about thinking and praying -- The same for me for you.

[kml]

Gerda - what is the situation with home schooling in your country? Are you registered with the school district or have you joined some kind of home schooling group? Being a part of something organized may help protect you.

Honestly, I'd be concerned about your ability to focus on home schooling with all that is going on. And if it's keeping you from being able to make more money to get into a stable financial position, you may want to rethink homeschooling this year. (Mind you, I say this as someone who became a (reluctant) home school parent to two of my teens in their high school years so I appreciate both the plusses and minuses.) The world won't likely fall apart if he goes to regular school for a year or so until you have your head above water. Does your husband support you home schooling?

[Gerda]

Kml, I don't home school. Not sure where you are finding that. My son has school refusal issues which we are working through and I have him in a special school now.

[sjohns6]

Gerda, I'm sorry to hear about the situation with child services. Thats a lot to deal with along side all the other things you have on your plate.

Its hard to know what kind of words might be helpful in times like these, but one thing I will remind you of is that a divorce is a piece of paper and nothing more. Your H may be pushing for that...and he may get it. That doesn't mean that feelings are going to magically change if you find yourself in possession of that piece of paper. I don't think that a piece of paper means much in the eyes of God, I think what is in your heart is what matters in that respect. And, from what I know of you, you are standing for many reasons, and your faith is one of them. Even if you DO end up with a divorce, your heart is right where it should be and that is what your stand is really about anyways.

This is a difficult time, but let it flow over you like water on a duck. If you keep your faith and walk your walk and keep true to yourself, what should happen will happen...whatever that may be. Have faith in that!! Divorce is not the end...heck...it may be the beginning of something better. Sometimes a door has to close before another can open...and that new beginning COULD be with your H. But, whatever that future is, it is not today. So, enjoy today and know that even better days are coming!!

Big Bear Hug to YOU!!

[kml]

Sorry Gerda, I misunderstood about the schooling. If he's in a special school don't they keep track of his attendance? Why is this your "friend"'s business? And what kind of "good friend" reports you to CPS???

[DnJ]

Good morning Gerda

How are you doing? I do hope things are getting better for you and your kids.

Don’t worry about responding, I imagine you have a lot going on and a break might just be rejuvenating.

Just dropped in to say hi and let you know I’m thinking about you.

Take care of yourself

DnJ

[Gerda]

Thank you so much, DnJ. I do check on my thread but somehow have not had the strength to write about what is going on. It has been awful here but I have had some faith revelations that have been helping me to keep my eye on God. Standing crying in the hallway of the courthouse after turning in a notice of appeal and seeing that a judge was assigned, sitting in the office of a psychiatrist for my son and talking about what is happening and what is going to happen, recording my H's wine bottles and all the other things he does and says or doesn't do and say like the other night when I was knee deep in garbage in the rain and mice jumping out of the cans because my H didn't do the garbage again, all these things written in a little notebook, these moments are so horrifying, a nightmare from which I can't wake up. These things are different from my stand as it has been because before I could do my own thing and try not to focus on H (except as far as my son's troubles are concerned). But now I have to have him and his sin "always before me" as the psalm says, I am having to actually act and do things in this pit of darkness, which means my head has to be looking down at the pit. Figuring out how to be this deep in the pit and still look up at the light is searingly painful but I know that I am doing this. Sometimes peace floods me in the most impossible moments, and I know that God is with me.

I met with this young priest who is visiting my church for a month. He is very young, from Vietnam, and literally glows with light. He is love incarnate, it is incredible to witness. He spoke to me for a long time about what it means to love and talked to me about Saint Monica and how she kept faith with a husband like mine. I still have to do all these horrifying practical things to protect my kids but I want to hold my heart in the light, and one thing he reminded me of is helping me, it was something Mother Theresa said --

I have found the perfect paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Thank you for the kindness and friendship, DnJ.

[Gerda]

sjohn, i have been treasuring your words to me on my thread and yours since the day you wrote them, just haven't been able to write anything. I read what you wrote over and over and thought about it in my darker moments. Praying for you and your W. Just wrote about my priest in last post, I think you will like that too. I keep repeating to myself what you said about the piece of paper and I really want to give my H to God to deal with, it's just the horror of having to do battle in order to hold on to house/kids that gives me despair. I walk around doing the rosary or the chaplet of divine mercy all the time, just clinging to God. The divine mercy gives me so much peace no matter how anxious i have been. But I do always wake up in the morning in terror.

You are a light!

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am glad to hear from you. Try not to get discourged, keep moving forward, you are getting stronger everyday.

I understand how H’s behaviour is becoming your focus, the keeping of records and such. Maybe this will help a bit.

You primary focus is you and your kids. Keep that firmly in mind. Your H’s antics are not your focus, just something to note.

...I am having to actually act and do things in this pit of darkness, which means my head has to be looking down at the pit. Figuring out how to be this deep in the pit and still look up at the light is searingly painful but I know that I am doing this.

I still have to do all these horrifying practical things to protect my kids but I want to hold my heart in the light...

Gerda, you can act and do things in the darkness of the pit and still be in the light. You are doing what is necessary because you love your kids and yourself. Your actions are not vengeful, you and your children deserve peace.

H is determined to follow his course of action, there is nothing you can do to dissuade him. I know you love him, well the old H, the new one probably not so much. You want to keep your heart in the light - let him go. Out of your love for him, let him go. His only chance to get through this mess is to be allowed to go through it. Can you, do you, love him enough to let him go?

It is crazy difficult, I know. I won’t lie, it hurts also. However, hanging on and not letting go hurts more. I know you are going down a good path. Trust and have faith, it will get easier and less hurtful.

A useful little tip for you. All those horrifying practical things to protect your kids - you are doing them for the right reasons, so be accurate in your thinking.

There are just practical things to protect your kids - not horrifying, don’t label them as such. If you can see and understand the reasons, which I am sure you do, you will realize your intent is not horrible. Do not label your actions as horrifying.

Looking at this clearly will affect how you think about things and positively affect your beliefs. Please try to see this differently, you do not need to create more pain for yourself, you have enough on your plate.

Mother Theresa’s words are very true and a great beacon to follow.

You do reach a point where you cannot be hurt anymore. It is a wonderful realization. You are not so full of hurt and pain that no more registers, no nothing like that at all. You reach a point where you finally see that you have absorbed and survived the worst your spouse could do to you. All the other hurts and anguish just fade, you become quite fearless and resilient, with an inner strength that may just surprise you. And yes there is still love.

Your friend,

DnJ