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What was your real reason for you to tell her you didn't want her to go? Why didn't you give her a reason? I'd be annoyed too if my H said "because I said so".

One of the things my H accused me of, and rightly so looking back, is that I mothered him too much. Told him what to. Often he said "I'm not one of the kids". I did not LISTEN to that, and it fed into the predicament I'm in now.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

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Good question. I believe the real reason was to prove that the reason she was leaving this morning was exactly what I suspected and she what she initially denied, and then confirmed.

Understand that this was not a pattern of behavior. I have never tried to prevent her from doing anything like this before. I have never said "because I said so" to her.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Hi RR. So you confirmed she left to avoid Sunday morning pressure? Did she told you that?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Yes! Once I told her I didn't want her to go, she said "well I'm not going to sit here and....."

We both did our own things Sunday and I returned to the house around 4:30. We had discussed me grilling and I asked if that was still the plan. She said in a sweet voice "If you still want to". Anyway, life picked up as if none of it ever happened.

I thought about pointing out to her that all I ever really wanted was mature honest communication, but didn't mention it.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Originally Posted by RR17


I thought about pointing out to her that all I ever really wanted was mature honest communication, but didn't mention it.


That was until right after posting that. Went downstairs to French press the second round of coffee. (don't worry, I've done it for years. Not just after BD) W comes into the kitchen and starts chit-chat. I asked her if I could say something about what happened yesterday. If she would hear me out and then I would welcome her comments. She said yes.
I went back through the series of events including the part about her confessing that she was leaving to avoid pressure after ridiculing me for thinking just that, and said " I never wanted to stop you from going anywhere, especially not church. I just wanted honest communication."

She just stopped and had a slightly sad face. No words, as expected. I waited because as the MC pointed out. I think a lot faster. lol
After a minute I asked "Do you disagree with any of that?" She said "No, not really" still looking sadish. I went on with the coffee and she throws in. "That was the only reason, I did want to try that church."
I reply. "I never said it was the only reason" I go on with the coffee and she continues to get ready for work. After burning up another hairdryer she comes into the MBR looking for the travel dryer and acting like nothing ever happened.

Last edited by RR17; 11/12/18 01:13 PM.

M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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I get your frustration RR. Find a way to get the possitive outcome from what happened. How do you feel now?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Originally Posted by Grace21
What was your real reason for you to tell her you didn't want her to go? Why didn't you give her a reason? I'd be annoyed too if my H said "because I said so".


I agree, it sounds very controlling. After reading the followup posts I'm still confused as to why you didn't want her to go. Because you felt she was "running away" from pressure (sex?) You've got to keep giving her time and space, you're not out of the woods yet. If she wants to go do something then let her, you don't own her. If you're upset about it then talk to her about why. Don't make demands.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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This whole extended exchange seems very pursuing and not DBing.

And controlling.

Every time you talk about your wife’s communication style, I get an impression of a woman who has had her thought and feelings dismissed so often (possibly because they are judged as insufficiently “logical”?) that she doesn’t feel safe sharing.

I’m not seeing how your current approach is going to help her overcome that.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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If I have done wrong I'd like to know.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Grace21
What was your real reason for you to tell her you didn't want her to go? Why didn't you give her a reason? I'd be annoyed too if my H said "because I said so".


I agree, it sounds very controlling. After reading the followup posts I'm still confused as to why you didn't want her to go. Because you felt she was "running away" from pressure (sex?) You've got to keep giving her time and space, you're not out of the woods yet. If she wants to go do something then let her, you don't own her. If you're upset about it then talk to her about why. Don't make demands.


It was very controlling. First, let me say that I didn't start the whole conversation. I was asked, "what is that look." Meaning what are you thinking. I shared my honest thoughts. I was ridiculed for having these thoughts. The most ridiculous fantasy thoughts.
I stood up to her. I stuck my foot down. (yes, controlling behavior). Also very much a 180 as I have never demanded she not go anywhere before. At that point, she got mad and finally admitted that I was correct and why she was leaving.

There was no pressure to have sex. No pressure to have anything. I was in bed enjoying coffee.

Why didn't I want her to go?
I really didn't care. I was pissed that my thoughts, that I was asked to share and that were correct, had been ridiculed. And until I stuck my foot down, she refused to acknowledge the truth.

Stander, I hope that you realize that I am in no way justifying my behavior, simply clarifying.

Quote
Every time you talk about your wife’s communication style, I get an impression of a woman who has had her thought and feelings dismissed so often (possibly because they are judged as insufficiently “logical”?) that she doesn’t feel safe sharing.

I’m not seeing how your current approach is going to help her overcome that.


Well, Rose, perhaps I am doing a poor job of painting an accurate picture of her communication style. She has never felt safe sharing. I remember during the honeymoon phase of our courtship, asking her what she was thinking and she always said "nothing". Make it something negative and you will only hear it during an emotional outbreak.

When her daughters ask her to do something that she disagrees with, they get a "We'll see" or a "Maybe later". When all the while her real answer is No.

See where this is going, Rose?

IMO, she is going to have to overcome that on her own. I suspect some childhood, something, caused by my MIL, whom I love dearly. W and I have in fact discussed this very subject. It was great at first, imagine a mate that never expresses a negative thought. Problem is they are still there, bottling up, ready to explode. I have in fact tried to make it as welcoming as I possibly can for her to open up. I'm not perfect and old habits die hard.

I'm not willing to own this one.

In this instance ,it was my feelings that were attacked with so-called logic. lol


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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I, too, am confused. I didn’t get the part about her ridiculing you. From what you describe, you were hoping for sex and she was [possibly] trying to avoid it? I think you took that personally...hence the irritation and “because I said so”. People who regularly say “we’ll see” and “maybe” could be conflict avoidant but they also could just be buying time until they are able to think things through. I do this with my kids often. Usually because my first reaction tends to be “no” and I want to give it some thought first and understand why it’s a no. Regardless...all of this still sounds like pressure to me and is the opposite of DBing. I get that it is frustrating. I get that you just want to be past this part. I, for one, am very envious that you have the opportunity to do some piecing as my H is solidly out of the home and all indications are that he plans to stay there. Keep working on GAL and DBing RR17. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

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