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LW, I've been thinking about your sitch and my last post this morning and I want to express some frustration as well as point out a few things that I feel you may be missing. Sometimes it helps to know the WHY in order to accept and best execute some of these DB techniques.

I think you are a good guy. When I decided to follow your thread, I did it because, in giving back, I felt it best to go deep with a few people since it's impossible to keep up with all people's sitch. So you won or lost depending on how you look at it. cool

We all vent. Most share our feelings even if they are not what we are supposed to be feeling for proper DBing. When we share our stories they are from one person's perspective. So, when an interaction sounds counterproductive to what your supposed goal is, it only stands that helpful people will call you out. We are all here because we want to save our marriages. No?
I for one, am not here for unconditional support. I don't offer it either. It's not productive. I am here for results, not to just feel good regardless of what I'm doing in my sitch.

So, I want to say something about the reasons behind "Validation". Forgive me if you think you know this. When I read about your interactions with your W, I wonder if you grasp the why.

Validation is IMO, is a way to:

[*]Lower or remove pressure for WW/WAW
[*]End any Fight or Flight dynamic, which hinders any rational thinking on their part.
[*]Let's W know that you are emotionally there for them. The cause of most MR problems in the first place.
[*]Helps W feel like you are listening and that their feelings are understood and are a priority to you.
[*]Helps better prepare us to respond and not react when we hear threatening stuff.

It's not just something to check off the list, yet at first, it needs to be intentional.

LW, Make this woman believe that if she were to explore coming back, that the waters are friendly. That her thoughts and feelings mater. That you care about her happiness. That you have changed.

Otherwise, just be done with it.

Your conditions will have to be covered latter during recon. Hope this helps.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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sia Offline
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RR17, I make sure to read your feedback whenever you write on LWs threads. And I fully buy into the fact that we are here not for unconditional support but to actually get feedback based on our behaviors to our ever evolving sitches. We all know we support each other and understand the pain like nobody else can, but what makes this forum more valuable is the 2x4s we get. It may or may not be applicable to LW, he is the better judge of his own sitch, but there are a lot of us out here who still read and follow sitches and absorb the advise that could be applicable to us as well. LW, thanks for posting about your continued journey and RR17 please know you are helping more LBSs than just LW.

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LoneWlf Offline OP
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RR,Nicole, Rose, Toe, Davide, Steve85 and Sia, Thank you for all your kind word and support and valued opinions.

I have been working at my new job and it is taking up a lot of my time. My new boss seems to be a good guy but often blows a fuse quite easily so I'm trying to get up to speed quickly . I apologize that I have not been on here as much to interact but also to return the love and support that I feel from all of you. Know that you are all in my daily prayers.

RR and Rose first and foremost thank you for your continued interest and support. As hard as it is to take, the 2X4 are what is needed. It has been a blessing to have you on my side. Your comments often ring truth. It is true that you are only getting one side and so you need to base your comments based upon facts you are given.

I read your input on validation and fully agree with what you said . I am actively using these techniques at home and at work and have a long way to go. In my last interaction with W- I went into it with no expectation. We did our usual thing- I tried to validate where I could. I also found that this time there was the most communication that we had in a long time talking about my job, S. No talks about R but just day to day stuff. I also found it a little more relaxed and maybe that is why there was more communication. There was even more friendly joking involved.

Where my head is now is that I don't have feelings of love or euphoria for my W. I do not know what I want. She strikes me as just the mother of my child. If I were to be looking to actively date at this time she would not get my attention at all. I'm not sure what I want to do BUT I do want to honor my vows and the covenant that I made along with my desire to have a family. For my S sake- I need to do what is best because I don't want to R only to have him crumble again. This is the second M my W has walked away from. I can say I care for her well being but my heart does not go a flutter when she is in my presence. I'm just focused on getting me and S and how to get better.

On a good note I last nite I went to see S play in the band for his schools awards night. He asked that I not reach out to W so she was absent. It was a VERY proud moment when he was called up for the honor roll even though he had such a rough time last year after BD. Gonna spend this weekend to celebrate with him.

For all of you out there. It is hard work- a constant struggle. Making you doubt who you are what you stand for. Stay positive and know I am with you all in Love and prayers- Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Feelings change.

And we all have a right to be angry. But holding on to anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Are you still angry?

It wouldn't be healthy to feel as you said "flutters" at this time. Feelings change.

Besides if you attract her back you. Notice I said to attract and not to pressure her back, you can at the time decide what you want. Kick her to the crup if you want. But unless you attract her back, you have no chance of any healthy reconciliation. None

Up until this point, as is said in these pages, "W has given you the gift of time". This opportunity won't last forever.

Why not give yourself the opportunity? Not for your son exclusively. A crappy marriage is not what your S needs anyway. Remember S is watching whatever you do.
In all my hours of reading about this stuff, I once read "find any reason to stay". Well, I will add "find any reason to DB." It's not your final decision.

Sia, thank you very much. I appreciated your post and one never know who else is reading. smile


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Congrats on the job, Wolf. Hope you're doing good...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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LW, congrats on the new job and your S's success in school too!


Together:20 years
M:3 years
Me:40
WW:40
S15
A suspected:5/17
AC:5/18
BD:8/18
WW in full blown R w/ OM
Still under same roof
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I'm curious about your son's request that you not contact his mom about the awards ceremony.

Was it like this:

Son: Dad, I'm playing at the awards ceremony. Don't tell Mom.

?

Or was it like this:

Son: I'm playing in the awards ceremony.
LW: Great! Do you want me to tell your Mom?
Son: No.

?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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mtb, equalzr, -It is a new job but I am up for the challenge! thank you for your kind words I hope you both are doing well, sorry I have not posted in your threads lately but I do check sporadically. Know that I share your journey and pray that you both find peace.

I'm curious about your son's request that you not contact his mom about the awards ceremony.

Rose I'm always thankful for you giving me a females perspective. S used the first statement and mentioned not to tell mom. The conversation ended there. I do wish she were there because it was such a PROUD moment -after seeing him so broken after DB - missing school and almost failing a class and to be able to stand among all these wonderful students overcoming adversity.

And we all have a right to be angry. But holding on to anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Are you still angry?

RR- First and foremost-THANK YOU! I often feel you come at me hard. It is these 2X4s that really make me look deep within trying to sift through the substance of my being. It allows me challenge my actions, words and values. Am I still angry? Yes- at times I am. Sometimes these feelings come and go. Sometimes the stay and fester. It is these extended periods where I feel she has hurt me to the core. Where I feel that she betrayed me - on a level farther than I can explain. I feel she use the bait and switch technique- coming to my church then persuing me and then all of a sudden she is some one I don't know. I don't know if she still goes to church but I think she is still tied up in this new age religion BS. I know- let her go and remove her from my head space but I feel as if I gave her the best years of my life. Now I know I sound like I'm playing the victim card and I know it is not healthy. I too am well aware that after BD- this could very well be the BEST years of my life but is it up to me to make that happen.

The phrase the you gave earlier about swallowing poison and anger is the same phrase that I used early in my thread about FORGIVENESS. Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. This is the essence of my belief and value system. It is said in my daily prayer. It is by following in the footsteps of Christ we not only become happy but even better we become more holy ( whole-ly). It is almost a year since BD and I still cycle between good and bad days. My IC said to read the book - The art of Forgiveness. He also said I will be hard pressed to find or nurture love in my heart if anger lives there. He says it is OK to be angry it is one of the steps to healing but you must try to positively channel that energy. This is what I use at the gym or when I am cycling. RR- you are absolutely right that I must let go of my anger and fully forgive. I am not there yet but will try to steadily work towards it. And maybe once attained I will be able to find PEACE.

Again- I am amazed by the love and support from the vast amount of strangers that come and read and offer advice. And as an act of Love - You leave some kind words, offer support and create an internal bond -leave a lasting impression.( You guys know who you are). I feel it is like I am in a hospital bed and out of the kindness of your heart - you poke your head into my room- sit at my bedside and offer me Love, Hope and Support without judgement or knowing who I am. For this I am truly grateful.

With you in Love and prayers- Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Posts: 94
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Dear LW, I am glad you landed the new job and are living up to the challenges it presents. God only knows how fragile our emotional state is but a change as significant as this is cathartic in my opinion. It offers a platform to invest yourself mentally. I am also happy to hear of your S's successes. I am not just a new DBer, as you know I am relatively an inexperienced parent as well. My oldest is only 3.5 so I have so much to experience and learn in that realm.
On reading your post I asked myself what I should do if there is something about my D that makes me proud, the answer was I should share it with her other parent. Mind you, I am not doing that at all right now, I am acting like he should lose out on all such moments as well because it was his decision to leave the family. But I think I have to work on changing that on my side, he wronged me but he still is the father of my precious Ds. I should not punish him by taking away from the moments of happiness that our children will provide. He deserves that experience too.
I will let the other more experienced parents weigh in on if you should have included your WAW in your S's performance. At that age I am not sure if you should ask him to open his heart to his mother so she can experience the joy of seeing him shine too. Maybe that will show him that you are yourself opening your heart and showing forgiveness.
But I thank you for sharing this and letting me apply this to my own sitch, I should work on being a better co-parent.
Have a wonderful weekend and celebrate your Ss success, hugs.

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Congrats on new job and S!

I agree with Sia, your S needs her mother too, even if he doesn’t acknowledge. Don’t be a barrier there, be a bond.

Moving forward LW, stay strong!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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