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Thanks David. I’m keeping up with your sitch. So today, W turn to get kids ready for summer camp. They needed to be there by 8am. I got up, got ready for work and she was still asleep on the sofa. Clearly going to be very late. I just left her tonit where as before I might have woken her and even helped with the kids. No contact all day which seems the norm now. Got home later to collect kids and take them to the park. W been out shopping at Victoria Sectet, leaving the bag in the kitchen for me to see. So what. Got back, W offers to help with preparing kids dinner. No thank you. I play with kids, W frantically messaging on her phone. Kids go to bed. I go into our old matrimonial bedroom to finish decorating for my D and W is in the bed asleep at 845pm. Very odd. She awoke and began to try and start a fight, I need to communicate better blah blah. I almost bit, but just walked off.

With the upcoming funeral I have been forced to tell a few more of my extended family about the situation as W will not be attending. Also heard W had deleted all my family from FB. Perhaps me too. Who knows? Who cares? Keep detaching. Began looking at some houses today in readiness for the impending house sale. Found a lovely place in a very nice street which my kids would love. Booked a camping trip for the kids and I before they go back to school. Organised a drinks night with an old friend. Enquiries about drum lessons, something I’ve always wanted to do.

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Hi UK,

Those sound like healthy goals that you can control. From reading your posts, you are doing very well. Detaching is powerful stuff. Letting others own their anger and not letting it affect you is very "manly". I can let others be angry, IE my lady, or my kids, and still be there for them to express this anger.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by DavidUK
Sounds like she's still looking for excuses to help make her guilt go away to make it easier on herself to justify her decisions... which means she isn't 100% sure she's doing the right thing. Every single time you lose your cool it justifies her decisions.

Therefore you MUST stay very calm and cool. You may need to be ultra-disciplined with self-control beyond anything you knew possible to be able to do it. Whatever happens, that better self-control will do you good in the future.

Visit your Dr asap and see if they suggest anti-anxiety pills. If so then have one before you know you will see W.

Get new clothes that flatter you, smart new shoes, new aftershave and spend on a great hair-cut by the best person you can find. Look smart and your best whenever you see W. It will help your self-confidence. You will feel better and W will notice a positive change.


I agree.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by uk82
I need to communicate better
These may not be words to start an argument. Communication is both speaking and listening. Validation and listening helps here. Bite your tongue and practice these two skills.

or


Boundaries, "it is hard for me to communicate when one or both of us is angry. I would prefer to communicate in a calm and effect manor."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I’ve not posted for a while so here is an update of where we are and what is happening:

- I’m trying to detach and GAL. W is making the detach part easy due to her continued distancing, disrespect and nastiness. I now do not instigate any conversations at all. If she asks me anything I answer as succinctly as possible. I think however I am being too cold. I am finding this paradox between detaching and being warm very difficult. Especially when every interaction with W is her either sniping, criticising, being nasty or disrespecting me. I actually don’t think I care anymore.
- W keeps insisting the house be sold as soon as possible, even if it means selling in its current unfinished state at a reduced cost. I will not be agreeing with this but I’ve ignored her comments so far and the fact that she had the house valued again. She wants it sold yesterday and us to be done ASAP. I am half expecting to come home one evening to see a For Sale sign outside which would be embarrassing for many reasons, not least that I would need to call the agent and tell them to take it down.
- W is getting more flagrant with her actions and comments regarding her new life. When the kids were asking where she had been all weekend, she replied ‘Partying with my friends’. She is acting like a teenager. Also I overheard her again telling the kids ‘when we move and we have two houses’. I’m also pretty sure now she is actively dating / sleeping with OM or OM plural.
- W tried to throw more pictures away, namely family portraits and a wedding photograph which included my recently deceased grandmother. Apparently my children asked her if they could have the pictures in their bedroom which is where they now reside but my S7 told me ‘mummy was going to throw them away daddy’. I’m glad it didn’t happen because I would have snapped at that.
- We recently purchased a new family car, just after BD which was a 180 for me because historically I have managed all our financial affairs and have been extrmely cautious and not impulsive at all. This was before I even knew about DB. W has insisted this is ‘her’ car ever since although it is clearly the family vehicle. Recently W took to using the new car when she was alone, leaving the old car for the kids and I. I suggested that the new car should be used for whoever had the children and whoever was alone should have the old car. W ‘kind of understood what I was asking’ but has then since decided to ignore this and took the new car for the whole weekend on her own and left the children and I with the old car. I have not said anything yet but I will be reminding her of what we agreed and what is best for the kids and will wait for her to completely ignore my request again for her own selfish reasons.
- W is a keyboard warrior I have noticed. When we are face to face she does not want to say too much to me about selling the house, rental property or splitting the business. However, when she is at work, wow, watch her go. Bombardment is an understatement. I tend to ignore these emails. But she is particularly interested in getting the money from the business very quickly. My accountant cannot believe how much she is hassling him.
- The separation is in full swing now with W setting herself up with her own room now. I managed to hold onto the master bedroom. She then told me she would not be cooking meals for me now, which I expected so in turn I am no longer doing her laundry. It seems incredibly petty seeing as we are in the same house, but so be it. I’m a better cook that her anyway.
- Had a great weekend with the kids. Took them to see family, the park, the school fete to see their friends. W used to make them pancakes for breakfast st the weekend while I tended the garden. So I decided to make them pancakes even though I’d never done it before. Kids loved them, said they are nicer than mummy’s ones and err very impressed that I could flip them in the pan as mummy cannot do that. Ha
- Have booked up several house viewings this coming weekend in case I cannot afford to buy W out of the house. Will be good to look and feel what my new life will be like. Keeping all my options open right now.
- W is going to visit her auntie this coming weekend. This is interesting for a couple of reasons. She has never visited this auntie before in the 12 years we have been together. Secondly this auntie had a mental breakdown / depression a few years ago and left her husband, was going to divorce him, blaming all her unhappiness on him etc. She got medical help and they R and got the family back together. W family think she is going through a similar thing and are very worried about her. I believe this visit will be centred around the auntie talking with W and explaining her situation and how she felt etc. I cannot see this doing any good and am planning accordingly. Carrying on with my own plan and my new life.
- Attended my grandmothers funeral alone yesterday but wore my ring to try to stop too many awkward questions. It worked mostly but a few more extended family now know the situation. My close family now hate W which is what Wcwants I think judging by the fact that she has deliberately alienated herself from all my relatives. I, on the other hand, have been polite and courteous to W family at all times and have no problem seeing or speaking with them.

Any insight or advice on any of the above welcome as always!

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Hold your head high my man.

MLK said "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

I think I can relate to the tit for tat part, as we have the same thing going on in our house. REMEMBER, its temporary. This wont be like this forever. Continue to be you. Role model for your kids.

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