Wife left and we did get divorced. Turns out she was seeing someone else at the time which didn't last long. So after a year long separation and a year of divorce, she decided to work her way back into my life. She literally scared off my girlfriend (who has broken up with me about 10 times before anyway so no big loss there) and decided that she never should've left and wants to give us another shot. This all happened in early July and I'm still kind of in shock about the whole deal. Just when I was at the point of being comfortable in my new life, bam! So I know she has changed for the better, matured and dealt with some of her emotional issues and I've changed. I really didn't know how to nurture our relationship before and I had a drinking problem which I have since left behind. She seems to be completely committed to restoring our relationship and I'm trying my best to bring back my emotional connection to her but I'm having a hard time with it. We're going to see a relationship counselor tomorrow but I have my doubts. I know those feelings are there because I do have glimpses of them here and there but it's frustrating that I can't relax and bring them into the forefront. Any advice on how to reconnect with her?
As someone that has recently moved from the path to D to R with my WAW, I can tell you that you need to come to terms, deep down, with what you want.
R is a lot of work. I have written in my threads and other's threads that moving to R and piecing requires even more work than DBing did. And there is no shortcuts. If that work isn't done, then you will end up back here after some amount of time asking how to save things again.
Really, you have to decide IF you are into it. And IF you are willing to put in the work necessary to make it work.
However, most people posting here will kill to be in your position, pre or post D! I will watch with intently to see how this goes so please keep posting!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve! Two years ago I would've killed to be in my position as well which is really confusing because I should be ecstatic about the situation. Part of me is definitely into it but part of me isn't. I'm willing to put in the work and maybe the love will come back with time.
I think the fact that you are NOT ecstatic about it is a very good sign. You let it go and got on with your own life, and now you can choose to put in the work to R, or choose not to. Either way, you are going in from a position of strength and with your eyes wide open.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I think the fact that you are NOT ecstatic about it is a very good sign. You let it go and got on with your own life, and now you can choose to put in the work to R, or choose not to. Either way, you are going in from a position of strength and with your eyes wide open.
Amen. May we all someday reach that point.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
BinNC that's pretty heavy. I don't have much advice for you because I am trying to figure out my own [censored] but man like I said I can't even picture myself in that position right now. Good luck to you brother.
You’re in a good position. Like Bob Marley said- Don’t worry Be Happy. Do what makes you happy and don’t focus too much on her all the time. Therapy is the time for that focus. It’s great you have an open mind. She has to show you with consistent action why you love her and want to be together. I’ve been S for 15 months and want the R badly especially with a daughter. But I can’t make my W see it. I do see myself potentially in your exact position. I’m unsure about pursuing divorce or continuing to stumble my way through DBing.
The only other advice I have is have the difficult conversations with her and if you can get through those talks together maybe you grow together, get closer and the connection grows. Don’t repress your concerns and maybe she understands. Use your new skills and be the changed man you want to be. Then you have no regrets but you have the opportunity to see if it works. I’m sure it’s hard not knowing what’s you two have been through. But in my sitch we have been through a lot. I wouldn’t think of it as old love coming back. But a chance for new love with the woman you loved, know so well and have so much history with. I have the chance for a new R with a great woman but would give a lot to be in your position. You’re lucky be grateful and thankful. You have an opportunity don’t force it. Focus on the positives and problems solving. Not the past which can’t be changed and the future which is uknown. Be present and enjoy the moments. Good luck!
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Thanks for the feedback folks! So here is a small update. We did go to counselling yesterday which was a initial consultation where we discussed our relationship background and family histories. It didn't go well. It's apparent to me that she is still dealing with anxiety and depression issues which she blamed me for during the end of the marriage. Now it's almost as if she still blames me and her family but is looking to me to get back to the times when we were happy. She doesn't want to get individual therapy for those issues but rather turns to things like yoga and spirituality which, in my opinion, isn't enough. I do love her and care about her but I don't feel passionate about her or even miss her when she's not around and it does frustrate me. So now we have individual sessions over the next two weeks then another couples session the week after. I'm going to give it some more time but really have no expectations at this point.
BinNC, while it is what every LBS wants, I can understand how once you move on and the WAS does come back it can be such a difficult ordeal. Being a LBS you have the pain, hurt and anger and most of all blame that you can use to recover and slowly we all do. The guilt of breaking the family and the MR is on the WS. But once they come back, it is an added responsibility to know you may have to walk away is a double edged sword. Getting to MC is a good step, is it still called MC post D, I dont even know. Hope you find the strength in you to get through this, I am going to read up on your threads to learn your journey. For now, may be just go with the flow and choose your values over emotions?
What is your living arrangement? Is it safe to say that you live separately?
A couple of things jumped out at me. You said that your GF broke up with you about 10x. What was with the back and forth?
Can you tell us how your relationship skills are now, compared to when your M was derailed the first time?
What about your WAW? What is different about her now?
If she is still blaming others for her anxiety and depression, seems like a big obstacle to overcome. What has she done about it while you weren't together?
I hope she realizes that it isn't your job to make her happy. That is too much to ask from anyone. She needs to do her part. I get the feeling that she is under the impression that it is up to you to keep her happy. You can be part of her happiness, but you can't fix her.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I dont have any advice for you either bin, other than to say take it sloooow. Ill be checking your thread out and good luck to you whatever you decide!
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Hi LITB.....I'll try to answer these as thoroughly as possible.
Originally Posted by LITB
Hey BinNC,
I have some questions for you.
What is your living arrangement? Is it safe to say that you live separately?
Yes, we live separately. I have my own home and she rents a room from someone so her living situation is less permanent than mine. In fact, she's already eluded to moving in with me again.
A couple of things jumped out at me. You said that your GF broke up with you about 10x. What was with the back and forth?
Well, when the GF and I first met, I was definitely not over the marriage but I grew to love her anyway because we did have a good relationship for the most part. She is 39 and has never had a relationship last more than 5 months since high school so there was a lot of relationship immaturity on her part. She didn't know how to handle conflict and would get very jealous over the little interactions I had with the ex-wife which were mostly business in nature. One time she almost broke up with me because I didn't pay enough attention to her while we were out for breakfast with some friends and another time she broke up with me because I felt physically ill and wanted to spend the day at home resting. So there was a lot of emotional internalizing about things that weren't really a big deal. So every time something like this would happen, she would put up a wall between us. I did have a tremendous emotional bond with her and felt we could've had a great relationship if we dealt with the conflict better but, the stonewalling on her part always made things worse and brought out the worst in me. She would basically make these emotional decisions and convince herself that we weren't right for each other then realize a few weeks later that she made a mistake.
Can you tell us how your relationship skills are now, compared to when your M was derailed the first time?
Well, I was never an openly loving person and I have definitely grown out of that. I come from a family that wasn't very loving for a large part of my life so I really didn't have those skills. So I've learned how to embrace those skills and provide nourishment in relationships and have learned that relationships are a we and not a you and I. Basically to do things that make the other person feel loved.
What about your WAW? What is different about her now?
She's definitely more open about her feelings and what she wants out of the relationship. Before if she had issues, she would just bottle them up for the most part. She has expressed her imperfections and realizations that relationships take work to be successful.
If she is still blaming others for her anxiety and depression, seems like a big obstacle to overcome. What has she done about it while you weren't together?
I don't think she has done anything besides turning to yoga and spirituality. She went to a therapist for one session and never went back.
I hope she realizes that it isn't your job to make her happy. That is too much to ask from anyone. She needs to do her part. I get the feeling that she is under the impression that it is up to you to keep her happy. You can be part of her happiness, but you can't fix her.
I wouldn't suggest having her move back quite yet. She needs to show consistent change over the course of time. Until then, I'd pay close attention to her actions to see if they align with committed intentions.
The blaming part is concerning. I think that really needs to be addressed or it is likely to be a problem in your relationship.
I'm glad to hear that you recognize areas that you needed to improve and have worked on them.
How about forgiveness? Have you been able to forgive her? Has she been able to forgive you?
The part of piecing that I found to be most challenging, is not throwing the mess in my W's face when things got heated. I was aware of that and would not go there. I knew it wouldn't be helpful. It all seems surreal now.
Anyhow, sounds like you have a decent handle on your situation.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Forgiveness is something I'm working on. I do forgive her for the most part because I do realize my past mistakes and know those weren't easy for her. As far as her, she does say that she forgives me and likes the person I've grown into but I know she's not 100% there yet.
Forgiveness takes time. It isn't something that we are wired with.
It is essential in the piecing process. As the saying goes, There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
When your x came back into life was it a pretty sudden thing or a gradual reentrance? I assume no kids at this point? I sure hope I can get to this point especially for my S.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
That's correct, no kids. To me it was sudden. We had virtually no contact since the divorce in July of last year. She sent me a message asking to talk pretty much out of the blue saying she was "ready to tell her side of the story" and then asked if we could be friends. I was firm with her and told her no and that if she wanted to tell her side, she could send it to me in e-mail and would read it but that was it. Then maybe two or three weeks later she shows up at my house unannounced while the girlfriend was there. The girlfriend freaked out and left then refused to talk to me. So about two weeks later I told the ex-wife we could meet up and talk. Things just went from there.
Just when I was at the point of being comfortable in my new life, bam!
Unfortunately that's almost always how it works. The LBS finally moves on for good and THEN the WAS gets interested again.
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So I know she has changed for the better, matured and dealt with some of her emotional issues and I've changed.
Do you really know that though? Are you sure she's not still chasing "happiness"? She didn't find it elsewhere so she hopes recon will bring it back? Her demons are inside her and she's got to deal with that before she'll ever truly be happy.
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We're going to see a relationship counselor tomorrow but I have my doubts. I know those feelings are there because I do have glimpses of them here and there but it's frustrating that I can't relax and bring them into the forefront. Any advice on how to reconnect with her?
First, there is no hurry. Don't try and rush things. If she tries to rush, then tell her no, you're doing this on YOUR timetable. You've got to make sure it's what you both want and that -she- is in a healthy place for this.
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Thanks Steve! Two years ago I would've killed to be in my position as well which is really confusing because I should be ecstatic about the situation. Part of me is definitely into it but part of me isn't. I'm willing to put in the work and maybe the love will come back with time.
Good. You should go into this with enough detachment that if it doesn't work out you don't feel like you're going through BD all over again.
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It didn't go well. It's apparent to me that she is still dealing with anxiety and depression issues which she blamed me for during the end of the marriage. Now it's almost as if she still blames me and her family but is looking to me to get back to the times when we were happy.
Yeah I think you are spot on there. I think she needs a LOT more counseling before she'll be ready for a R again, with you or anyone else.
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She doesn't want to get individual therapy for those issues but rather turns to things like yoga and spirituality which, in my opinion, isn't enough.
100% agree. You are in the position of control here, so I would suggest you make that a mandatory requirement of you even considering recon (that she needs to go through IC).
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I do love her and care about her but I don't feel passionate about her or even miss her when she's not around and it does frustrate me.
Why does that frustrate you? That is exactly where you want to be. If you're too emotional about this you won't be able to think rationally and might jump into something too soon just hoping for the best.
Originally Posted by LITB
I wouldn't suggest having her move back quite yet. She needs to show consistent change over the course of time. Until then, I'd pay close attention to her actions to see if they align with committed intentions.
We rarely see recons here post D, particularly when it's a W leaves H sitch (can be counted on one hand in the last 10 years). You are not R yet, I know, but it appears to be what she wants, so the ball is definately in the LBS court.
I don't have any advice as you seem to handle this to perfection, so just a couple of questions if that is ok with you.
If you have been NC, I assume she hasn't seen any changes (improvements) in you, that brought her back? She basically wanted to go back to the exact person she left?
Did she know you had a GF when she reached out (or the state of your relationship with GF)?
Why now? Why not when her previous relationship ended? Do you know the answer to that?
From your first post in this thread, I can't see whether she had someone else when she left you, or at the time of D. Do you feel betrayed or is that not an issue for you?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
If you have been NC, I assume she hasn't seen any changes (improvements) in you, that brought her back? She basically wanted to go back to the exact person she left?
I really don't know. The only thing that I do know is that she had been checking up on my social media.
Did she know you had a GF when she reached out (or the state of your relationship with GF)?
Yes, she knew. I told her that I couldn't contact her and that I loved the GF. The GF refused to believe I wasn't in contact with the ex-wife before she showed up at the house that day.
Why now? Why not when her previous relationship ended? Do you know the answer to that?
Your guess is as good as mine. I know I had gone through and deleted some old stuff from social media a couple weeks before she contacted me and I suspect that triggered her in some way in that I was truly moving on and she had to act. From what I understand, her previous relationship lasted only a few months after the initial separation and I'm sure she was out there looking for Mr. Perfect during that time.
From your first post in this thread, I can't see whether she had someone else when she left you, or at the time of D. Do you feel betrayed or is that not an issue for you?
Yes, she had met someone a week before the BD and separation. She denied it at the time but all the signs were there. I was just too blind to see them.
How do you know she was checking yoyr social media?
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Bin, did she apologize for her past behavior? Was it a MLC? Did she go IC?
She did apologize. She was turning 30 when we separated and stated she needed to find herself so there may have been some sort of life crisis associated with that. She was 21 when we got married so that is a possibility. She went to IC once on her own accord and never went back.
Had to read back on your first post in this thread. It isn't exactly clear if YOU agreed to reconcile?
Are you a couple? Were there any conditions before you made that decision, if it has already been made?
One of the conditions that I would suggest, is that she get IC for her anxiety and depression, because she seems to be avoiding addressing those issues. You might be feeling confused, because you aren't convinced.
If she is truly committed, she shouldn't have a problem putting in the work. I wouldn't let her move in until that gets addressed.
Just my .02 cents.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
So for those on this thread, thank you for your input. As for an update and probably final update. Some things have happened which I'm not going to detail but the reconciliation is over. Unfortunately, the ex has a lifetime of trauma to deal with and my role has shifted from potential reconciliation mate to doing what I can to get the help she needs. It is something that had bled into our marriage and for her has become a crisis. Take care.
