Wife left and we did get divorced. Turns out she was seeing someone else at the time which didn't last long. So after a year long separation and a year of divorce, she decided to work her way back into my life. She literally scared off my girlfriend (who has broken up with me about 10 times before anyway so no big loss there) and decided that she never should've left and wants to give us another shot. This all happened in early July and I'm still kind of in shock about the whole deal. Just when I was at the point of being comfortable in my new life, bam! So I know she has changed for the better, matured and dealt with some of her emotional issues and I've changed. I really didn't know how to nurture our relationship before and I had a drinking problem which I have since left behind. She seems to be completely committed to restoring our relationship and I'm trying my best to bring back my emotional connection to her but I'm having a hard time with it. We're going to see a relationship counselor tomorrow but I have my doubts. I know those feelings are there because I do have glimpses of them here and there but it's frustrating that I can't relax and bring them into the forefront. Any advice on how to reconnect with her?
As someone that has recently moved from the path to D to R with my WAW, I can tell you that you need to come to terms, deep down, with what you want.
R is a lot of work. I have written in my threads and other's threads that moving to R and piecing requires even more work than DBing did. And there is no shortcuts. If that work isn't done, then you will end up back here after some amount of time asking how to save things again.
Really, you have to decide IF you are into it. And IF you are willing to put in the work necessary to make it work.
However, most people posting here will kill to be in your position, pre or post D! I will watch with intently to see how this goes so please keep posting!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve! Two years ago I would've killed to be in my position as well which is really confusing because I should be ecstatic about the situation. Part of me is definitely into it but part of me isn't. I'm willing to put in the work and maybe the love will come back with time.
I think the fact that you are NOT ecstatic about it is a very good sign. You let it go and got on with your own life, and now you can choose to put in the work to R, or choose not to. Either way, you are going in from a position of strength and with your eyes wide open.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I think the fact that you are NOT ecstatic about it is a very good sign. You let it go and got on with your own life, and now you can choose to put in the work to R, or choose not to. Either way, you are going in from a position of strength and with your eyes wide open.
Amen. May we all someday reach that point.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
BinNC that's pretty heavy. I don't have much advice for you because I am trying to figure out my own [censored] but man like I said I can't even picture myself in that position right now. Good luck to you brother.
You’re in a good position. Like Bob Marley said- Don’t worry Be Happy. Do what makes you happy and don’t focus too much on her all the time. Therapy is the time for that focus. It’s great you have an open mind. She has to show you with consistent action why you love her and want to be together. I’ve been S for 15 months and want the R badly especially with a daughter. But I can’t make my W see it. I do see myself potentially in your exact position. I’m unsure about pursuing divorce or continuing to stumble my way through DBing.
The only other advice I have is have the difficult conversations with her and if you can get through those talks together maybe you grow together, get closer and the connection grows. Don’t repress your concerns and maybe she understands. Use your new skills and be the changed man you want to be. Then you have no regrets but you have the opportunity to see if it works. I’m sure it’s hard not knowing what’s you two have been through. But in my sitch we have been through a lot. I wouldn’t think of it as old love coming back. But a chance for new love with the woman you loved, know so well and have so much history with. I have the chance for a new R with a great woman but would give a lot to be in your position. You’re lucky be grateful and thankful. You have an opportunity don’t force it. Focus on the positives and problems solving. Not the past which can’t be changed and the future which is uknown. Be present and enjoy the moments. Good luck!
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Thanks for the feedback folks! So here is a small update. We did go to counselling yesterday which was a initial consultation where we discussed our relationship background and family histories. It didn't go well. It's apparent to me that she is still dealing with anxiety and depression issues which she blamed me for during the end of the marriage. Now it's almost as if she still blames me and her family but is looking to me to get back to the times when we were happy. She doesn't want to get individual therapy for those issues but rather turns to things like yoga and spirituality which, in my opinion, isn't enough. I do love her and care about her but I don't feel passionate about her or even miss her when she's not around and it does frustrate me. So now we have individual sessions over the next two weeks then another couples session the week after. I'm going to give it some more time but really have no expectations at this point.
BinNC, while it is what every LBS wants, I can understand how once you move on and the WAS does come back it can be such a difficult ordeal. Being a LBS you have the pain, hurt and anger and most of all blame that you can use to recover and slowly we all do. The guilt of breaking the family and the MR is on the WS. But once they come back, it is an added responsibility to know you may have to walk away is a double edged sword. Getting to MC is a good step, is it still called MC post D, I dont even know. Hope you find the strength in you to get through this, I am going to read up on your threads to learn your journey. For now, may be just go with the flow and choose your values over emotions?
