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I forgot to mention something important. After she agreed to quit talking to OM, she said she doesn't consider us separated anymore. She also stated that no matter how this turns out, I will fare better than her. Her life will be crap and mine glorious and happy.

It's very clear that I need to grab this situation by the reins and begin the moving on process. Detach. I can detach while giving my son the attention and continuity he deserves. From 6-9 I will be 100% present even if all three of us are together. I will begin slowly taking S out on my own maybe an hour at first and see how that goes. W is in very bad emotional state and I don't want to take the only thing that gives her light away too much. But I do want her to start seeing what life after D may look like.
Before 6 and after 9 I will be fully detached other than some behind the scenes fatherly stuff such as laundry, packing lunches, etc.

I'm fully prepared if she starts talking to OM again. I'm also fully prepared for any other hidden secrets that may come to light. I've learned a great deal about myself through this and I can handle anything that's thrown my way. This 180 and gal does make me nervous, but I've learned through this ordeal that the negative emotions are temporary and I will feel better about things. The most important aspect of this is our S and his future. I want to work things out with W and I want our family to stay together. What I've been doing isn't going to accomplish eaither. Next step is 180, detach, and gal.

Please keep commenting if you have anything to say. Just having this board has given me some strength.

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Update. Went and hung out with some musician friends. Came home in time to tell S goodnight. W wanted to chat about potty training. She was an emotional wreck. Crying and questioning if she's a good mother. She's Beena fine mother and I reassured her. We developed a more rigorous potty training plan.

Went to bed. Still having a really hard time sleeping. I'm feel like a walking 24 hr panic attack. Mostly obsessing about OM and losing time with my son in a D. Can't stop wondering if she's talking to OM. I want to spy, Snoop, and ask. But I'm fighting it. I'm mostly in an ok mood. Work is going well.

No texts from her at all today. Came home from work and everyone was sleeping. W organized and cleaned the kitchen which is out of character for her.

W has a work dinner this evening. S is sick so we are going to hang. She is definitely noticing some changes in my disposition and mood. It's hard to keep it up. When I'm around her, I get weak but I'm holding strong.

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Update. 1 week after starting to detach.

I have been feeling mostly pretty good. Sleeping well again. Appetite is back. I've been carrying myself in a pretty positive and confident manner just about 100% of the time. I have a new emotion since this the BD. I'm angry and I want to express it. My instinct tells me W needs to see me as a man that'll actively stand up for what he believes in. However, ldoing so, negates detachment.

S is really responding well to my connecting with him in an even deeper manner. He even came to me at 3AM when he couldn't sleep rather than to my W.

W has been off and on cheerful. She's been flirty a few times and has been reaching out to offer hugs. She has asked me 3 nights in a row to hang out after S goes to bed. When I say no, she is bisually disturbed.

My feelings have really changed this week as I've reflected on the past 6-7 weeks as well as the last 3 years. During this week, I've also really watched her and paid attention to her actions. Some things I've thought about and observed have me thinking and questioning if I even want to stay married to her. I wonder if my drive to hold this family together has more to do with S than it has to do with myself and W. I'm not making any sort of decision, but I have been questioning myself and daydreaming of how great life could be as a single dad.

Zero evidence of W speaking with OM. It's still hard to not think about. If I hit a low point, it always is because I'm thinking too much and wondering if We is still talking to him.

When W and I first started these conversations, we drew up some rules in order to keep S as safe as possible. One rule is Sundays can be status update talks after S goes to bed. W mentioned last night that she may have a few things to talk about. I'm not going to say a word other than things to ensure she knows I'm listening.

GAL outside the house is nearly impossible as my S has become my number 1 priority. The internal changes I'm making have allowed me to become more connected to him. I can GAL inside the house as best as possible and after he goes to bed. I have some weekend plans for after 9 next weekend. The internal changes have been very noticeable at work. I have folks writing little appreciation memos to me as well as notes to my boss. I'm focusing my efforts to continue that internal growth as well as moving on with my life and 180's. It seems though, that the more I image moving on, the less I feel like Id work on R. I'd say right now, I'm 50/50.

Prior to BD, we had discussed moving closer to her family and I was kind of excited about this possibilities as we've had zero family support and little contact since S was born. Early on in this sitch, W stated that we will probably end up not moving and I'd end up with an amazing life without her while she'd be a mess and OM would be a broken mess. The other day, she brought up the possibility of moving again...as a couple or as single parents. That made me angry but I didn't let it show. I have an incredible job with a new leadership position and giving that up to move 3 hours away and farther from my parents so she can live closer to OM is not going to happen. If we move, it'll be after some time of successful R.

W has stated several times that if we D, she wants to remain close friends and co-parent 50/50 as much as possible. She keeps saying I will always be part of her life. I'm all for the best co-parent relationship possible as S is number 1. I don't understand how she can expect us to be such good friends. Does she think I'm just going to hang and talk about my life like her girl friend?

I don't know. How many times have people detached and then been the one that ending up leading the way to the D? I'm not there yet and I am prepared to wait it out for her to make whatever move comes next. I turn 40 next month and I keep thinking that I need to move on and start my new life. I'm not a person I like when I've lost trust for someone. There's no way I can be in a marriage when I lack any bit of trust.

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Update. W is still in the house and W has been talking more and more about our M. W said we should go on a date or two. We have been on 2 dates in 3.5 years since S was born. Last time we spoke about our M, she instigated. She complained that now I'm becoming too connected and involved. This after 2 months ago she asked that I become more connected and involved. She actually doesn't remember much of what shes said in the last 2 months. Her talk also made it fairly clear that she has put OM on hold and hasn't ruled him out. She is truly lost.

My personal therapy is going well. Therapist says I'm doing all I can do and am doing all the right things for myself. He even hinted that I should consider if I deserve better or not. I think I do and have taken a giant leap in detaching. Daydreaming about single father life all the time. I'm going to be ok. Actually, the path to R looks to be more troubling than the path to D. I've put a soft deadline on how long I can go like this.

So, all is ok. Hope you all are doing well.

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So she's sending mixed signals right??? Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Her repeated actions will tell the truth.

You do deserve better, and I agree that the divorce is probably an easier path.

Your W wants to remain "close friends" if you D, b/c she doesn't want to lose you. But she won't commit to you. So she wants you to be OK as plan B. It sounds like she needs to hear from you that you won't be her friend. Period. End of story.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Yeah. She has been very clear what she wants with a D. Close co-parent relationship. Even discussed living on the same street or neighborhood. Hanging out at school and sports events etc. I was very clear that I would only communicate with her in a business like manner and only in regards to our S.

I'm not sure I'm a plan B. That would require her to even have a plan in the first place. She may have a plan, but it appears she has no clue as to any plan. She has spoken freely what the obstacles are in R and in D for her.

I almost wish she'd get caught talking to OM again so I have the excuse I need to start the D process. Living like things are now is terrible. W has hour to hour mood swings. I'm just going about my life as normal trying to be a lighthouse and build my own foundation. I'm hanging in there for my S and myself. S needs a solid foundation.

In terms of not believing what she says, I don't think she is lying. I just don't think she has even the first idea of what she wants or how she feels. It also seems as if she has cut contact with OM for 3 weeks or more. She leaves her phone lying around unattended all the time now. If she is communication with him, it's another way other than her phone. She also never has her computer out anymore. So, worst case scenario is that she told him to back off a while and I'll just quit trying at some point.

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