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#2812631 09/15/18 11:52 PM
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Hello,

I have been here before a few years back. I am once again separated from my wife for about 6 months now.
I will update post with my current situation tonight.

I am trying to get some quick advice on confronting her with information that I found regarding her seeing/dating other men while we are separated. She has consistently denied seeing anyone else the entire time. I however snooped when I should not have and found pretty much everything I feared.

We had been seeing each other pretty regularly before that and I was actively trying to work on things with her. As she seemed very open to trying to make this work. It now just seems like she was cake eating the whole time.

Since finding the information, I have enacted sandi's rules completely, which I wish I had done from the start.

I am now faced with the question of confronting her with the information and whether it will even have any benefit. I am not willing to be in an open relationship with her.

I know that this is not much to go off of. But I would appreciate any help. And will do my best to clarify, as im sure there are questions.

Thank you all


M: 29 W: 28
D: 8 S:1
M: 10 T: 11
BD1: 8//15 (physically separate)
Back together: 4/16
BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18)
Here we are again.

Shrike #2812639 09/16/18 12:33 AM
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WAWs don't need separation or their own place to find themselves. Or work on themselves. Or to work on the MR. WAWs need their own place for one reason and one reason only...... To sleep with other guys. Sorry to break this to you.

So why confront? Why not concentrate on yourself? Are you GAL? Have you been working on 180s? How is your detachmentn coming along?

lBHs spend so much time and energy on the WAW and any OM she may have. That's unattractive to her. The secure strong LBS goes on with his life. And that is attractive!

Do you think a confrontation over this information will bring you closer together? Or push you further apart? Cause I'll tell you that answer if you don't know it.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2812654 09/16/18 03:25 AM
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I know the answer. I am just having a bit of a hard time accepting the truth.

Detachment is rough. I know I am not there yet.

Was not focusing on myself at all, in fact was hyper-focused on her. I am much worse for it. Putting a stop to it this week, but the thoughts still run through my head when they want. I process them and then shut them down as quickly as possible.

GAL has been going on from the start. But I was involving her too much in it all.

180's are coming slowly, I do backslide now and then. I know she notices.


M: 29 W: 28
D: 8 S:1
M: 10 T: 11
BD1: 8//15 (physically separate)
Back together: 4/16
BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18)
Here we are again.

Shrike #2812656 09/16/18 04:18 AM
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I am going to try and tell a bit of my story. Which will most likely come out all over the place and not seem clear at all.

I know a lot of this will seem super obvious to you all and that I will seem a fool, I believe I am. So please spare me the criticism's unless its purely constructive. I hope to share it and at least get some of this out so that I can process it. Maybe see things from a different perspective and get some clarity with everyone help.

We separated back in 2015 for about 6 months, at that time she was having her 4th emotional affair. Which was the first to turn physical. I had moved on completely and she sensed it and asked me to come back almost immediately. I know now that I let her back to easily. Things warned against on this forum where ignored by me, because I had gotten what I wanted. We had no counseling, there was no apology from her, there was a vague promise to never do it again. There was no transparency, in fact I never really fully trusted her to this day. We had our second child on the way less than two months after getting back together. So not even the proper piecing and work to rebuild our relationship was done.

I think its safe to say, I set myself up for failure and shouldn't really be surprised that I am where I am now.

So down the same road we went, I slipped back into my old depressed self dealing with work/school and new baby. I think I did the opposite of what this book and this board preaches along every step of the way. Because I thought this time was different. She starts waitressing nights at a bar... full of single/divorced people. Makes a lot of ''friends'' there
.
I do'nt think I need to go into detail the conversations I'm sure where had. Her old resentments for me came back. We did the dance we were already so good at. Old arguments resurfaced, I again was to blame for everything wrong in her life.

March comes and she tells me she wants to separate. She asks me to move out. I agreed, but don't find a place until May. Part of me was sick of her and wanted out, so I went along with it without much of a fight. I halfheartedly tried to convince her otherwise. But there was a lot of fights during the initial few months.

Most of June we do not talk, I do not really remember it.

Something wakes up in me in July, a love for her that I have not felt in a very long time. I very much am willing to do anything to make this work. She seems receptive to this. We go on a few dates. I say that I am ok with living apart and working on each other like this, as long as there are no other men. She states that she see's herself as single, and only married by law on paper, because she is not ready for that step. (this should have been a pretty big red flag for me...) She however assures me there are none. But, she also says that she doesn't trust me, that she is afraid this is all a show to get me back, and that I soon as I have her again, I will fall back into my old unexciting, unmotivated, self hating state of mind. Which to be honest, is entirely possible, I know that I am responsible for not being that person, I do not want to be that person, and I am working to change that actively. I do not blame her for feeling like that.

We start sleeping with each other again. We are talking a lot, getting a long like we haven't in years. She does bring up past resentments a lot. Says she is angry with me and cannot get over it. Is hot and cold and all over the place emotionally. We would sleep together but then she would not talk to me for a week. It is emotionally and mentally draining, However I think things are going ok, we are at least communicating so I am ok with all of this. But something does not seem quite right. This continues from mid july until basically last week, when she falls asleep on the couch after inviting me over.

I look through her phone and find what maybe I was expecting. But also more. Her conversation with her one very close female friend (whom I have to come to learn is what I am now defining as a tinder/working girl) , is almost a mind blowing insight into the state of her mind. She talks about things with her that I would never had imagined her even thinking about. It is like a completely different person. She is basically learning from her ''friend'' how to juggle men and be ''paid'' for it in dinners, rent, gifts, vacations etc... I really dont even know how to go into detail about this conversation, that goes back all the way to early 2017. It has everything, stuff like, they send nudes to each other, and decide which is the best to send to certain guys. I dont even know anymore. Ill stop there about that, im sure some of you know where that rabbit hole goes.

I believe now, that this is just the type of person that she is. I think that as soon as our relationship gets a little tough, or she gets bored, or just wants attention, really any of number of probable reasons, is when she looks outside the marriage for attention from other men. I no longer know if she is capable of changing this.

She does not see herself as having a problem. There is always something that I've done or not done that she uses to justify her decisions. But maybe there is no longer a problem for her. Maybe this is how she wants to live her life.

Crazy universal spin on everything, is that I still find myself in love with her, or at least who she was, or who she could be

I know I am not willing to be a part of all of that. I have no clue how or even if she would ever give it up. I dont feel like even the thought of losing me is enough to pull her out of it.

My plan? I dont really know. I know that I cannot focus on her and what she is doing. I have no control of that. And have no expectations about what she is going to do.

I know I need to focus on myself and my kids and just take my life from there step by step. Time to do a bit of soul searching maybe.

Thank you to anyone who reads, shares or has input.


M: 29 W: 28
D: 8 S:1
M: 10 T: 11
BD1: 8//15 (physically separate)
Back together: 4/16
BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18)
Here we are again.

Shrike #2812662 09/16/18 06:51 AM
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Just voicing a thought/that reoccurs pretty regularly. This sort of fear that takes over, that if I leave her alone for too long she is going to like it and get over me totally and never come back.

She has told me she still loves me, is afraid of losing me, is attracted to me, just this last Tuesday. She has told others that if I can be consistent with what I was doing (talking to her, being open, dating, just being pushy in general, maybe even aggressive in some sense) that she would be open to working on things with me. Is this all just manipulation to keep me on the hook?

Being aggressive with my emotions towards her and sort of taking what I want, was something I never did with her. I was always very passive and sort of gave off an air of I dont care.

On the other hand, doing all of that with her is killing me inside while I know that she has OM. So for myself I feel as if its best to just sort of disappear for a while. I have not contacted her since I saw her Tuesday morning. And she has only texted me about the kids. She seems very very cold right now.


M: 29 W: 28
D: 8 S:1
M: 10 T: 11
BD1: 8//15 (physically separate)
Back together: 4/16
BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18)
Here we are again.

Shrike #2812670 09/16/18 11:26 AM
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I also have been passive in the R and my instincts in this sitch tell me to get active and get active now. Right now, I'm fighting off those instincts and getting active with myself. Reading and writing has helped a ton. I did stand my ground once during my sitch and W responded well. But I backed off and am saving the next time I get aggressive for when she makes the next move. I can tell you that in the week I've been solely focusing on myself and S, I have made huge gains in the self confidence department.

I'm dressing myself well 100% of the time, wearing nice cologne, working out, eating fresh foods, and doing some things I enjoy. I'm looking for a new hobby to start and am planning on doing something to face one of my biggest fears. W has noticed and has done a few things such as touch me for the first time in 7 weeks.

Oddly enough, I am now starting to question if I even want to stay married. I am a great person and I deserve better than what W has given me in the past 2 years. I deserve someone who is willing to give themselves to a relationship 100% of the time. I have so much love to give right now and no one to give it to. That's my hardest obstacle right now.

Do yourself a favor and do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself. It seriously has made a huge difference for me in a matter of 6 weeks. I started to detach 2 weeks ago and 1 week ago felt like I had made a good deal of progress in detaching. Since then, I've had the best week I've had in two months.

Shrike #2812679 09/16/18 12:59 PM
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First, she is very wayward and maybe always has been. Sorry but this no longer a pattern but a lifestyle.

Do here are some things you should do and think about.

First, get tested for STDs. The lifestyle she is talking to her friend about puts you and her into jeopardy healthwise.

Second, drop this fear of embracing DBing. We all go through that "I'm not sure it will work in my sitch" crap. Knock it off! You are already on record admitting you ignored this board's very sound advice in the past. So you need to drop that attitude and be ready to let her go to get her back. And this time the RIGHT way.

Quote

She has told me she still loves me, is afraid of losing me, is attracted to me, just this last Tuesday. She has told others that if I can be consistent with what I was doing (talking to her, being open, dating, just being pushy in general, maybe even aggressive in some sense) that she would be open to working on things with me. Is this all just manipulation to keep me on the hook?


Let me ask you, do you think you are exempt from what she was talking to her friend about? Of course not! In fact you are sucker numero uno!!! Believe nothing she says. Nothing. Read Sandi's rules. Study them. Know them.

Also, get a lawyer. The first thing you need to do is move back home. Kids in a house with a WW need stability. Be that stability. A lawyer will likely tell you is within your rights to move back home.

Finally, be prepared for the worst. I can see you setting yourself up for being a worm to get her back. Won't work my friend. Maybe nothing will but that certainly will not. Take your balls back and kick het to the curb. No more dates. No more R discussions. No more sex. Not even friendship until she gives up her waywardness, all other men and agrees to your terms for R including full transparency.

Last edited by Steve85; 09/16/18 01:00 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Shrike #2812687 09/16/18 03:34 PM
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Shrike, all we have is your description of your sitch.

That said, Who in their right mind would want to be with a W like that? Honestly

Do you think that confronting her will stop it?

As long as you are willing to tolerate this kind of behavior, this is what you will get. Play a stupid game, get a stupid prize.

You will not get the results that you desire until you do what needs to be done. Go work on yourself. Forget W, at least for the time being. If I were you I would be working on retaining custody and kick this one to the curb. A healthy man will not allow themselves to be treated as such. Go work on you. Self-esteem, confidence, these are areas that you need to find help with. Seek IC.

But I also understand that love is blind. Until you, no will no longer tolerate this, you will never have the person's respect.
NEVER!


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

Shrike #2812695 09/16/18 05:13 PM
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Just like everyone else said, you need to move on. If she comes back, on your terms, great. But if not, then you haven't lost the person you loved, because she's gone already. As long as you're willing to tolerate her seeing other men, sending nudies, having them pay for gifts, vacations, she won't have enough respect for you to come back. Would you want to be with someone who was willing to put up with that kind of behavior from you?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
SteveLW #2812706 09/16/18 06:17 PM
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Thank you all for the replies. It's definitely what I need to hear.

Originally Posted by Jim1234
Would you want to be with someone who was willing to put up with that kind of behavior from you?


It has taken me a long time, maybe I even haven't, come to terms with her no longer being who I think she is in my head. No, you're right, I wouldn't stay with someone who let me act like that.

Originally Posted by RR17
Shrike, all we have is your description of your sitch.

That said, Who in their right mind would want to be with a W like that? Honestly

Do you think that confronting her will stop it?

As long as you are willing to tolerate this kind of behavior, this is what you will get. Play a stupid game, get a stupid prize.

You will not get the results that you desire until you do what needs to be done. Go work on yourself. Forget W, at least for the time being. If I were you I would be working on retaining custody and kick this one to the curb. A healthy man will not allow themselves to be treated as such. Go work on you. Self-esteem, confidence, these are areas that you need to find help with. Seek IC.

But I also understand that love is blind. Until you, no will no longer tolerate this, you will never have the person's respect.
NEVER!


I dont think im in my right mind currently. I was more focused on confronting because I thought it would let me get out what I was feeling. Maybe help me move on a bit. Is there anything I should say? Or is it not even worth it. If I just move on and do what I need to do, im thinking she will notice. Not that it matters. I am starting to not care if she does or not.

Ive scheduled a session with my therapist for the end of the month.


Originally Posted by Steve85
First, she is very wayward and maybe always has been. Sorry but this no longer a pattern but a lifestyle.

I definately see this being the case now.

Do here are some things you should do and think about.

First, get tested for STDs. The lifestyle she is talking to her friend about puts you and her into jeopardy healthwise.

I hadnt thought about this, but will definitely talk to my doctor about it.


Second, drop this fear of embracing DBing. We all go through that "I'm not sure it will work in my sitch" crap. Knock it off! You are already on record admitting you ignored this board's very sound advice in the past. So you need to drop that attitude and be ready to let her go to get her back. And this time the RIGHT way.

Quote

She has told me she still loves me, is afraid of losing me, is attracted to me, just this last Tuesday. She has told others that if I can be consistent with what I was doing (talking to her, being open, dating, just being pushy in general, maybe even aggressive in some sense) that she would be open to working on things with me. Is this all just manipulation to keep me on the hook?


Let me ask you, do you think you are exempt from what she was talking to her friend about? Of course not! In fact you are sucker numero uno!!! Believe nothing she says. Nothing. Read Sandi's rules. Study them. Know them.

Also, get a lawyer. The first thing you need to do is move back home. Kids in a house with a WW need stability. Be that stability. A lawyer will likely tell you is within your rights to move back home.

I dont think I am willing to move back in with her, even if I could. My kids are with me 6 nights out the week and I have a larger house, closer to my daughters school now. I dont really want to put my kids back into her place more than they would have to be.

Finally, be prepared for the worst. I can see you setting yourself up for being a worm to get her back. Won't work my friend. Maybe nothing will but that certainly will not. Take your balls back and kick het to the curb. No more dates. No more R discussions. No more sex. Not even friendship until she gives up her waywardness, all other men and agrees to your terms for R including full transparency.

I Really needed to hear this. This will be the plan, or at least the outline.


M: 29 W: 28
D: 8 S:1
M: 10 T: 11
BD1: 8//15 (physically separate)
Back together: 4/16
BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18)
Here we are again.

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