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A Message from Michele
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Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811749
09/11/18 11:57 AM
09/11/18 11:57 AM
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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I was reading FB today at breakfast. A person who was a freind of both W and I, and who W now cleans their house and cuts their grass, and has not spoke to me or kids since BD, posted the following:

Keeping a child from the other parent and their side of the family is cruel, unnatural and abnormal. In all reality, it is Abuse!

My spidey sense are starting up. I am pretty sure they do not know what is really going on, just getting W’s side - whatever that it.

Oh well, I can’t control what people think. Besides it could just be a coincidence.

There it is off my chest. I feel better.

On a related note. Yesterday I had to fill out and sign some registration paperwork for the school. There were changes from last year, so I went in to discuss the required updates. I did look over the paperwork with D16 so we did talk about the changes, was good to get her input.

Marital status, children live with father, father has sole custody, emergency contact, etc... The school already has a copy of legal separation document has proof, so changes were all accepted. One part was who the school is authorized to send info regarding child’s performance, grades, and such. The kids and I decided to remove W from the document (night before). D16 dos not want Mom getting homework assignment notices and then thinking D16 is falling behind and contacting her - like last year. They are just a notice of assigned homework, not a tardy notice.

I explained this to the secretary and she baulked, saying that they keep both parents on the forms. Then in a little bit of a threaten tone - unless you have legal sole custody. I explained that I do have sole custody, and the school has that paperwork. She then remembered that fact, and backed off. She said she just can’t imagine how W could do that, and how it must feel to the kids. I told her that the kids and I are doing well. I explained our reasoning of removing W, and that she has not contacted the kids since S17’s graduation, all summer.

She agreed to make the changes. On the way to my car it just didn’t feel right. I thought about it for a couple of minutes and went back. I apologized to the secretary and ask to read the form again. I told her to keep W on the form and ensured that W was only getting emails about grades and things, not field trip permission or other forms that require a signature. I am not trying to put road blocks in the way, W is doing enough of that on her own.

I did let the secretary know that if things become a problem we could make changes at a later date. I updated my kids with my decision and reason. They understand my compassion and also feel that this is a better approach.

I feel better about this too.


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S19, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811933
09/12/18 01:41 AM
09/12/18 01:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 385
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Gerda Offline
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DnJ, I love your change of heart. It sounds like it felt really good to let go of the wall in a way that would still not cause stress for your kids. You thought of everything, for everyone, as usual.

Stay off FB!!! Go out and look at the trees instead. They will never get your spidey sense up.

(((DnJ))))


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811936
09/12/18 01:47 AM
09/12/18 01:47 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 523
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Stay off FB!!! The best advice I hear all day. smile


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S19, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811938
09/12/18 01:52 AM
09/12/18 01:52 AM
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Posts: 385
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Gerda Offline
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We are posting at the same time! It's almost IRL!

I am off to walk the dog and look at the skyscrapers. Mercifully I am not on FB ever. Even the thought of it gives me the chills.

In a way it's good if she is telling people you are keeping her from the kids. It means she is longing for them. Anyone who would believe that you are at fault, let alone post it passive-aggressively on FB, is about as wise and good a friend as my kids' godfather who paid for H's D lawyer and said he wouldn't talk to me about it because he wasn't talking sides or getting in the middle.

Most likely, though, they were talking about something else. But either way, stick with the trees.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/12/18 01:55 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811940
09/12/18 01:57 AM
09/12/18 01:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 385
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Gerda Offline
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Trees Need Not Walk the Earth
David Rosenthal

Trees need not walk the earth
For beauty or for bread;
Beauty will come to them
Where they stand.
Here among the children of the sap
Is no pride of ancestry:
A birch may wear no less the morning
Than an oak.
Here are no heirlooms
Save those of loveliness,
In which each tree
Is kingly in its heritage of grace.
Here is but beauty’s wisdom
In which all trees are wise.
Trees need not walk the earth
For beauty or for bread;
Beauty will come to them
In the rainbow—
The sunlight—
And the lilac-haunted rain;
And bread will come to them
As beauty came:
In the rainbow—
In the sunlight—
In the rain.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2811972
09/12/18 11:49 AM
09/12/18 11:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 523
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DnJ Offline OP
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DnJ  Offline OP
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Gerda - What a nice poem. Children of the sap. Very cool.

We were close to talking IRL. We probably would have stayed up all night and filled your new thread. Lol

Maybe W is longing for her kids, I don’t know. I guess the freinds’s FB post is just that a single post, I won’t read too much into it.

That freind however has behaved, over the last 11 months, in a very side taking way - it’s not my side smile

I haven’t try to set them straight or anything either, just letting them go and trusting that the truth will eventually win out. It is like your son’s godfather and his thinking he is being neutral.

I hope you enjoyed walking your dog among the skyscrapers, those columns of steel, concrete, and glass, a spire reaching skyward. There is a lot of light in a city that can support buildings that high. Hopefully the light of a planet or bright star found its way through and graced you with its glow from far beyond any of the troubles of here.

The largest thing in my town are my trees. The cottonwoods were planted by <name withheld for reasons of anonymity> when he founded the town, he also built this house, around 150-160 years ago.

Hope you have a great day.


At BD
Me49, W46, S20, S19, S16, D15
M-26, T-29
Oct 8 2017 - Bomb Drop, Moved in w/OM, & Left Kids
Dec 9 2017 - Legal Separation
Currently
Me50, W47, S21, S19, S17, D16

I may give up, but not today.
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2812437
09/14/18 03:56 AM
09/14/18 03:56 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,300
USA
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Gordie Offline
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DNJ I loved how you followed your gut re the school

No rule book on what to do in these situations

And you always seem to choose the best path

And the friends who take sides are no friend at all

Enjoy your weekend in that stately old home amongst those great trees


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: Gordie] #2812454
09/14/18 11:50 AM
09/14/18 11:50 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 25,345
Maryland
job Offline
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job  Offline
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Posts: 25,345
Maryland
I agree...avoid FB as much as possible. In the beginning, those so called friends will take their sides... but eventually, their eyes begin to open a bit more and they will see what is going on. They will see that you are moving forward and living your life to the fullest and there sits your w, still complaining and acting out.

I think you did the right thing by going back in and speaking to the secretary at the school about what your w should receive in the way of notices. At least she will get some of the info, info that would most likely interest her. She doesn't need to see assignment info and field trip into.

I admire the way that you've handled your situation and also the wonderful advice that you give to others.

Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2812483
09/14/18 02:42 PM
09/14/18 02:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,811
Canada
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AndrewP Online
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I was reading FB today at breakfast. A person who was a freind of both W and I, and who W now cleans their house and cuts their grass, and has not spoke to me or kids since BD, posted the following:

Keeping a child from the other parent and their side of the family is cruel, unnatural and abnormal. In all reality, it is Abuse!
If you want some good perspective DnJ, just reflect on some of the posts from Irish where his ex-wife is also very much the victim.

We each have our own narrative of what happened and what the circumstances are. Sometimes those narratives are what we tell people. Sometimes the narrative is what people assume. Are any of these narratives the exact truth? Doubtful.

A few months ago one of my ex's new friends she made through OM posted a thing to her Facebook wall giving sympathy to people who oppress others and tell lies about them. When I heard about it, I just shrugged. Was it aimed at me? Dunno. But I am probably a horrible horrible man who tells lies about a wonderful woman because I'm bitter and junk like that.

I think that especially in the case of a run-away mother that people just can't comprehend how they can abandon their own children. My ex for example hasn't seen her daughter since 2015 - when we were still together. There's nothing stopping her but she hasn't. Despite living only a 5 minute drive away she rarely sees her son.

Nobody wants to be seen as a "bad person" so narratives are created that cause them to not be.

Does it matter to us who live in the real world? Not really. We have our own narratives.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: This is going to take some time #4. [Re: DnJ] #2812527
09/14/18 07:40 PM
09/14/18 07:40 PM
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Posts: 4,221
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Mach1 Offline
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Hey D, sorry to join this party late....

I struggled mightily with the forgiveness thing, as I feel that most have during this process....

I don't know if I can word things any better than I already have in this thread.....

It certainly isn't everyone's process, but it sure was mine...


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400702&page=2

I will be back around, hopefully sooner, to see your thoughts.

Start around the 11-14 date...


PS...I love the progress buddy...

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